Humor

© Copyright 2021 Peter Lloyd

I was feelin bout as groomed as Genghis Kahn
When I came across a place called Saul’s Salon
I walked in and said, “I need a haircut, Saul”
He said, “Sit on down, neighbor, and I’ll cut em all!”

He tossed a sheet across me and said, “I’m Bob
“It can get a little hairy, but I love my job”
“I believe you, Bob, but as I recall
“The sign on your window says your name is Saul”

“Well, what is truth,” Bob philosophized
“Is there really any difference tween truth and lies?
“Can you prove that E equals M C squared?
“When the Rapture comes will you be prepared?”

“The thing about it is, Bob, facts are facts
“And what you believe determines how you act”
I said, “There’s only one reality”
That’s when Bob interrupted me

“Everybody’s got their own reality
“I got mine and it’s right for me
“Does it really matter if I’m Bob or Saul
“Long as I answer when you call?”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

I saw no use confronting Bob’s insanity
So I decided to ignore him and watch TV
Looked up on the wall and there on the screen
Was the spookiest creature I’ve ever seen

Her eyes were blazing, what she said, absurd
Though the sound was down, I could read every word
The more I read, the more I realized
What got into Bob was a shitload of lies

I said to Bob “I think I know what’s up with you?
“You been watching too damn much Fox News
“It’s no good for your brain, it’ll sicken your soul
“In the middle of your heart, leave a gaping hole

“Well,” Bob replied, “I got news for you
“Covid’s a hoax and global warming too
“The election was stolen, nine-eleven was staged
“The Clinton’s eat babies, but no babies were caged

“Obama’s from Kenya, and masks don’t work
“Sleepy Joe Biden is a socialist jerk
“The earth is flat and the moon is too
“I know cuz I watch — Fox News”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Bob’s not a fool, he’s just misinformed 
Like in Orwell’s story, nineteen-eighty-four
Took a little longer but it’s coming true 
And the people behind it — Fox News

No respect for the truth, don’t even know what it means 
Nothing but a clusterfuck of lying machines
First they lie, then you catch em, then they start denyin
If their lips are moving, you know they’re lyin

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Even if you don’t believe the Earth is round
I think we can still find common ground 
Cuz there’s one thing we can never deny
If we hear it on Fox, it’s a goddamn lie

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin the truth

Fox News Blues

© Copyright 2020 Peter Lloyd
Melody adapted from "Beautiful Dreamer" by Stephen Foster

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
Urologists spot it, no matter how small
Then go in and scape it right off of the wall

To get to your tumor, they don’t have to cut 
They don’t turn you over and go up your butt
The way to your bladder’s not in through your nose
They go up your schlong with long, rubber hose

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

First they prepare you and put you to sleep
Into a twilight you go, not too deep
Meanwhile your penis takes all of the flak
While you in your twilight, lie flat on your back

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
So go see your doctor, and one who’s well known
For treating each penis as if it’s his own

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

Poor Little Penis

Words and music © Copyright 2000, 2015 Peter Lloyd

Never desire a girl on a wire
You might lose your balance but she’ll never fall 
Never caress a master of chess
You may capture a piece or two but she’ll take ‘em all

Never connect with an architect
She’ll put up cool houses but you’ll live in a dump
Never corral a political gal
You’ll be stuffing a ballot box, while she’s out on the stump

Stay single save your money
And spend it all on free-spirited chicks
Stay single taste the honey
While you’re still young enough to savor your kicks

Never seduce a pretty masseuse
She’ll rub you the wrong way and get under your skin 
Never engage a star of the stage
She’ll need so many encores, it’ll make your head spin

Never marry a secretary
You may learn too late that she’s just not your type
Never ally with a feisty GI
You may rise through her ranks, but you’ll earn every stripe

Stay single save your money
Take an old married man’s advice
Stay single enjoy the honey
Before drop in supply increases the price

Stay single save your money
Keep your life balanced and calm
Stay single share the honey
Unless you find a girl just like your mom

Never Marry

Something in the Orange

Boys Of Faith

Nine Ball

There’s a part of you that drifts somewhere else when the house gets still — and I see it.
This one’s for the quiet you, the deep-thinking, hope-holding version you don’t always let out loud.
I don’t just love the way you live…
I love the way you dream.

When She Dreams

🕯 I Leave Ashes Behind 🕯
A slow-burning soul elegy wrapped in velvet smoke.
No anger. No goodbye. Just the soft hush of someone choosing absence with grace.
Minimalist jazz-inflected instrumentation meets intimate, breath-warm vocals — a departure so quiet, it echoes.

This is not closure. This is sovereignty.
She doesn’t vanish — she simply leaves nothing behind but ash.

🎧 Mood: detached, graceful, unshaken
🖋 Line to remember: “I leave ashes — dry and clean / Like I was never in between.”

Let the silence speak.

I Leave Ashes Behind

---

Verse 1

I don’t need closure, I don’t need grace
I watched it burn and turned my face
No final words, no bitter cries
Just smoke curling through the sky

Pre-Chorus
You’ll search the air for what we were
But darling, I don't leave a blur


---

Chorus

I leave ashes behind
Not love, not hate, not the ties that bind
No trace for you to follow back
No scent of me on your collapse
I leave ashes — dry and clean
Like I was never in between


---

Verse 2

I left the dress, I kept the name
I walk in silence, not in shame
No bags to pack, no doors to close
Just lighter steps where nothing grows

I didn’t flinch, I didn’t stay
I simply turned and slipped away

Pre-Chorus
You’ll search the air for what we were
But darling, I don't leave a blur


---

Chorus

I leave ashes behind
Not love, not hate, not the ties that bind
No trace for you to follow back
No scent of me on your collapse
I leave ashes — dry and clean
Like I was never in between


---

Bridge (the ritual of disappearance)

No candle lit, no mourning song
No looking back to prove him wrong
No trace of me in what you find
Just breath… just dust… just disinclined


---

Final Chorus

I leave ashes behind
Not love, not hate, not the ties that bind
No myth for you to twist or keep
No echo waiting while you sleep
I leave ashes — soft and wide
Then I return to what’s inside

I Leave Ashes Behind

Lover Girl

Snow White

**Description after the lyrics**

Verse 1
You paused before you turned—
Long enough for me to yearn
I felt the words behind my teeth,
I waited long for you to speak.
But both of us, afraid to fall,
Let nothing rise, we said it all.

Chorus
We almost said it, both of us—
A word, a touch, a wait for trust.
But fear stood taller than the need,
And silence got the final lead.
We almost spoke. We almost stayed.
What stays is what we never said.

Verse 2
We never fought, we never lied—
Just watched the light begin to slide.
You waited for me, and I did too,
Hoping the other would break through.
Maybe we were two of a kind—
Good at silence, just a little blind.

Chorus
We almost said it, both of us—
A word, a touch, a wait for trust.
But fear stood taller than the need,
And silence got the final lead.
We almost spoke. We almost stayed.
What stays is what we never said.

Bridge
I don’t blame you. I don’t blame me.
We just played it safe too easily.
I hoped you'd reach, you thought I might—
It turns out we were both not right.

Final Chorus
We almost said it, both of us—
A word, a truth, a wait for trust.
But timing failed, and fear rang true,
And silence got the best of two.
We almost spoke. We almost stayed.
Is that what we were meant to say?

Still…
If you’re hearing this someday—
I wish I had somehow found a way.

***** Does this song like you? You can bring it home with you if you like. Click the green button.

We Almost Said is a quiet ache turned into song. It isn’t about what happened, but about what didn’t—the words that stayed locked behind teeth, the closeness that never bridged the small gap. It moves on hesitation, on pauses that became endings, on the way two people can hold the same yearning and still let it slip away.

It’s tender, not bitter. More sigh than shout. The refrain of “almost” is its heartbeat: love nearly spoken, closeness nearly claimed, a truth nearly shared. And in that space between, the song finds its power—not in explanation, but in what lingers unsaid.

We Almost Said

How many times have we laughed  
And how many times have we cried  

And entrusted our words to the wind  
Like a disenchanted melody  

But we have always found each other  
Almost as if it were a dream  
Almost as if it were a sign  

In our love nest  
A soft cloud above the world  
In our love nest  
Touching the heart deep within  
In our love nest  
Love nest  
Love nest  

And I always see happy your smile  
You are like a drop of rain that refreshes the face  
I feel your scent your scent that surrounds me like an embrace of love like a wave  

That lifts me up and then sinks me  
And my heart beats so so so so  

In our love nest  
A soft cloud above the world  
In our love nest  
Touching the heart deeply  
In our love nest  
Love nest  
Love nest  

I think of you constantly of you  
Even though sometimes you're far away yet incredibly close  
You're my first thought in the morning  
And during the day it's pleasant to think of your company  
And I always wait for our moment to fly fly away  

In our love nest  
A soft cloud above the world  
In our love nest  
Touching the heart deeply  
In our love nest  
Love nest  
Love nest

LOVE NEST   (reworked)

Our Vow

Mirror of Lies

Words and music © Copyright 1971, 2016 Peter Lloyd

You left your footprints on the doorstep of my heart when you walked out
You caught my finger when you slammed the door
I guess you didn’t hear me when I opened it up to shout
“I guess this means you don’t love me anymore?”
 
You took along all my favorite phonograph records and you don’t own a stereo
I still don’t understand how you’re gonna hear them play
I guess it doesn’t matter. They were all scratched and kind of old
Keep the damn things. I never played them anyway

My darling, how can I forget you with your footprints on my heart
And all my records stole from me besides?
There’s so much I want to say to you, but I don’t know where to start
So I’ll stop

Footprints

Merry Christmas, boys and girls
Come on, sit on Santa’s lap
I’ll tell you story about a toy
And a very bad boy

Well, Mom bought Larry a Starter-Up Steve
The truck that puts kids in the driver’s seat
They punch in a program, and the truck moves slow
At least that’s how the commercial goes

No, Mom didn’t know it, but she’d soon find out
What the darker side of fun was all about
You see, Larry was cuter than a newborn cub 
But he’d sold his soul to Beelzebub

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Mama watched Larry “oo” and “ah” 
Punching Steve’s buttons with his cute li’l paw 
But she got bored and snuck up to the sack 
Now Steve was headed for the end of his track 

The boy hopped Steve like a kangaroo 
Up, back, left, right, and wheelies, too
As Larry kept driving, anyone could tell 
He was setting up Steve for one living hell

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Steve tried to avoid his rendezvous
But he could only do what he was programmed to 
His tires screeched and his motor raced
And he drove right into the fireplace

His plastic chassis went up in flame
Bounced out of the fire on its twisted frame
Then he spun around trailing sparks and soot 
Took a hit on his hood from the kid’s left foot

Starter-Up Steve
Starter-Up Steve    

That mean little devil, he squealed with glee
Chasin’ flamin’ Steve ‘round the Christmas tree 
The tree caught fire with a hefty roar
And the boy followed Steve out the parlor door 

Then the whole damn house went up in smoke 
‘Course Larry took it all as one big joke
No more diapers, no more pins
No more Mommy’s goo-goo grins

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now Steve, started movin’ at a blindin’ speed
Burning ‘cross the lawn toward the hickory tree
He hit that trunk at a terrible pace
Made a big impression on his plastic face

Larry ran up to his loyal chum
All hot and gooey like chewing gum
Steve’s one good eye rolled back in his head
And the boy cried, “Damn! Stupid Steve is dead.”

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now mom and dad, it’s time once more
To run on down to your big, box store
Just keep in mind when you’re buyin toys
What happens in the hands of innocent boys

Take your list and check it twice
But before you buy take my advice
No matter what you get for your sweet li’l son
He’s bound to find the darker side of fun

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve

© Copyright 2016 Peter Lloyd

The Darker Side of Fun

Words, music, and performance © Copyright 2017 Peter Lloyd

This song is brought to you by Amerikoch
And now a word from our sponsor

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Back to our song

I’ve been told
The roads of Hell are lined with gold
The rats dress up in pinstripe suits
And tom cats prowl in combat boots

And now a word from our sponsor

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Buy one for your cousin
Buy eleven, get one free
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Back to our song

Tell me why
When camels spy the needle’s eye
They turn away, begin to cry
And start to sing a sad goodbye

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Buy a slice of Uncle Sam 
Yes, now’s the time to order
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Somewhere beyond the border

That’s our song. See you next time

Welcome to Amerikoch

Songwriter since 1966. Can't believe I still have to write protest songs. Prefer writing love songs and songs of praise for stand-up women and men, parodies, lyrical nonsense, blues and adaptations.

Never Marry

Peter Lloyd

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