In this journal entry I talk about attending the Artist Development Program in London and how it inspired me to move, with my family, into a caravan for a year; *sorry about all the wind noise*; I wanted to merge a fantasy of an ideal life with reality; it didn't go as planned but I learned a lot; I moved back to Norwich 3 years ago; trying to apply what I learned from the caravan experience; trying to be consistent with my values; wanting to live a good stoic life; the projects I've attempted since being back in a house; achieving a lot but none of it going anywhere; I'm still trying to 'do my thing'; having put effort into my music, I feel I need to re-focus on teaching; putting out old music didn't feel right; people are connecting with the music I'm making now. Thanks for listening

Al Juice 0.09 - The Caravan Idea

In this journal entry I talk about my plans for sharing these journals; how listening to things recorded in the past is a bit like time travel; it's odd to capture time in this way; I arrive home but my children don't want to be recorded; I finish up in the music shed. Thanks for listening

Al Juice 0.10 - Pacing Up and Down Like a Maniac

Talking into my recorder on my way to a gig; my reflections on a songwriting circle/workshop I'd just helped deliver; Birds of Hell (the band I'm in) headlining at Norwich Arts Centre; I've been busy and I've been walking a lot; I ate some pizza, I normally eat low carb; I run off fat rather than carbs, energy levels pretty good; Feeling some sadness, it felt like everyone at the workshop was more successful than me; I feel awkward when networking, I haven't found an authentic way of doing it; my lack of "industry proof". Thanks for listening

Al Juice 0.11 - The Least Successful Person In the Room

In this longer than usual journal entry I reflect on not feeling great after a heavy drinking session; I got horribly drunk, was great at the time; I don't drink a lot but when I do I'm in the habit of binging; too much booze plus lack of sleep can trigger weeks of depression; easy to think I have flawed character rather than faulty habits; I want to limit intoxication to twice a month; I damage my self esteem when I don't keep promises to myself; as the band I'm in, Birds of Hell, gets more successful, I can't afford to make each gig a massive party; I enjoy getting blasted though, I don't want to completely give it up; I missed some workouts; it's tricky when my social life revolves around drinking. Thanks for listenting

Al Juice 0.12 - Binge Drinking Triggers My Depression

In this journal entry I talk about getting comfortable recording myself in public; how I want to eventually make a vlog; review of past journal entries and my plans to put them out; journalling is like putting rocks on a cairn; getting into the habit of creating content; my fear that I'm uninteresting; there's something self nurturing about making audio journals in public; journalling/making content is a great way to feel present and a good alternative to my other strategy of getting wasted at parties. Thanks for listening

Al Juice 0.13 - I Wouldn’t Approach You at a Party

In this audio journal I share more thoughts about how my recent binge drinking exploits create a 'boom and bust' in my mood; how, afterwards, I struggle with low energy, apathy and feel like a failure; how my routine gets derailed; I don't keep commitments to myself; the risk of spiralling into despair; this time I'm getting better at spotting the warning signs; being at a crossroads where I can act to curb depression; feeling powerless but knowing that that's not true; my compulsion to launch a hedonistic 'spaceship' that inevitably crashes; drinking to relinquish control and wanting to bask in silliness with friends; side effects outweigh the benefits; I think what I seek is joy; I need to respect the needs I have but replace the habit with something healthier. Thanks for listening

Al Juice 0.14 - The Binge Drinking Spaceship Crash Lands

I recorded this journal entry on my way back home from running a music workshop for children with special needs. I talk about feeling exhausted; feeling vulnerable in my work situation; worrying I'm a fraud and that no one wants to work with me; how irrational that idea is; in order to cope with intensity of the situation I tune my consciousness out; missing things that others see; thinking about my conscious awareness and how I distract myself; using podcasts to fill my head with other people's thoughts; there's a cost to not being present; I feel I'm constantly preparing for life to start but I'm terrified of the intimacy and intensity of being alive; I'm afraid of relaxing into my body; if I value life too much I'll fear loosing it; constantly planning but not executing; In workshop review meetings I worry I'm not doing my job well enough; I use most of my effort in maintaining my coping strategy; if I let my guard down I would be free to really live my life. Thanks for listening.

Al Juice 0.15 - Terrified of the Intimacy of Existence

In this journal entry I describe how someone asked me to be a therapist and I reflect on it. Should I do it? I like the idea of contractual relationships; clear boundaries afford the opportunity to go deep with someone; the book, 'The Road Less Travelled'; the fact I'm not a trained psycho-therapist; I'd need to be clear in my motives; being asked was a gift; trying to plan perfectly before I start a project - endless monotony; I'm like Sisyphus; should I be a musician and a therapist? Thanks for listening.

Al Juice 0.16 - Stop Being Sisyphus, Start Being a Therapist?

In this journal entry I discuss how there's part of me that thinks it's unacceptable for me to experience joy; my thoughts on what self esteem is; there's joy to be found, even in crisis; the positive warrior archetype; I don't let myself experience reality; my definition of joy; what do philosophers say about joy? Is it a choice? I've done loads of work to improve my life, I need to just claim what's already there; I mistake intoxication for joy; "true" as in truing a bicycle wheel; truing up your world view, sense of value and purpose; stop just staring at the "bike", get out and ride it.

Al Juice 0.17 - Get Out and Ride the Joy Bicycle

I recorded this journal entry at a party in an artists community called "Heaven". While I was there I made this short film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm0hEjTJ1UE. This recording is the audio that accompanied it. I discuss my late friend, the artist Ben Platts-Mills; his home and community hub - "heaven" and how much I love it; how my family stayed there for extended periods; the "bender" he lived in; Ben lived the dream, he was actions were aligned with his values; my pledge to follow his example.

Al Juice 0.18 - Pizza in Heaven

I'm Al Southgate and this is my new podcast. It started life as a kind of audio journal, I called it Al Juice. Pimp Your State Of Mind is a better title, it's also a song that I wrote and an album I never released. I'm trying to improve the world - just a little bit - by improving my life. I want to earn a decent living writing songs, I'm pretty good at it, just not so hot on all the admin nonsense. I hope my journey to become a better man is entertaining and useful. I don't care if I'm rubbish at podcasts, I'll get better.

Pimp Your State Of Mind

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