In this episode we look at building up trust and open honest communication, especially how to build trust with people who have experienced betrayals in the past, from yourself or others. We also look at the power of gratitude and communication tools to make it all work.

Building Trust and Cultivating Gratitude

Join us as we welcome back Sarah and introduce a method of creating durable, modular, and ethical agreements to help you meet your safer sex goals. Once a much talked about concept fluid bonding agreements have fallen out of favor in ethical non-monogamy for being often problematic and hierarchal, and we can’t help but agree. However, there were some valuable concepts we wanted to salvage and continue to polish into more useful and more ethical forms. Merchandise Website:  https://www.etsy.com/shop/MandeeMakesMerch

Sexual Safety Agreements Chain

You asked for an episode on the ethics of Unicorn Hunting and we gave it to you!  Listen to Michael, Mandee, and Sarah discuss the defining factors for Unicorn Hunting.  What are the red flags and prep work needed if you are considering this relationship style or being approached to join a couple?  We also discuss how to address Unicorn Hunting as a group leader.

Citations:
- Photo by Daria Sannikova from Pexels
- OPP Episode: https://www.probablypoly.com/post/episode-33-the-one-eggplant-policy
- Closed Relationships:https://www.probablypoly.com/post/episode-63-closed-relationships-ethical-otherwise
- Couples Privilege Episode: https://www.probablypoly.com/post/episode-61-couples-privilege
- Consent is Not Always Enough: https://www.probablypoly.com/post/episode-58-consent-isn-t-always-enough

Unicorn Hunting Relationships

Laugh with us as we giggle and guffaw in our 69th episode discussing overrated sex acts.  We normally bring you heavy topics, but this episode is all about fun.  We would like to caveat that the information presented is based on our own experiences and opinions.  C*m and celebrate with us getting to number 69.  
Don’t forget to subscribe if you want notifications when we post new episodes.

Citations:
- Photo by Daria Sannikova from Pexels
- The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Ultimate_Guide_to_Cunnilingus.html?id=yk9p4FqmJqwC
- The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio https://books.google.com/books/about/The_Ultimate_Guide_to_Fellatio.html?id=X8T0sglLnrAC

Overrated Sex Acts

Episode 69 (Over Rated Sex Acts) is now live!

Join us as we discuss how to navigate common events in polyamory communities.  What difficulties do attendees experience engaging in new spaces? Get a better understanding of how community leaders approach community events.  Learn ways to become more involved and how to create a space that fits you best. 
Don’t forget to subscribe if you want notifications when we post new episodes.

Citations:
- Photo by Inga Seliverstova from Pexels

#NavigatingSocialEvents #EventBurnOut #ProbablyPoly #Awkward #ENM

Navigating Social Situations While Awkward

We're diving into a reader question on creating effective community spaces.  This episode we discuss safer spaces, braver spaces and creative interventions.  Is the ban hammer the way to go or are there compassionate ways to manage safety concerns? What does success look like for a harms process? 

References:
chrome-extension://efaidnbmnnnibpcajpcglclefindmkaj/https://www.creative-interventions.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/10/CI-Toolkit-Final-ENTIRE-Aug-2020-new-cover.pdf
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Creating Community Spaces

In the first episode of Probably Poly we introduce ourselves and tackle the ways in which accepting the premises of non-monogamy and polyamory weigh in on our other "common sense" beliefs.
Section Index:
00:34 - Host Introduction and Credentials
02:20 - Why claiming to have a visual preference for a specific race is usually problematic
11:30 - How accepting polyamory changed everything i thought i knew
27:27 - Cultural Myth #1: Lying is always primarily the fault of the liar
30:19 - Cultural Myth #2: If someone insults you or hurts you emotionally that justifies retaliation

Probably Poly Weekly Podcast

How Polyamory Changed Everything I Thought I Knew

In this episode we discuss why the philosophical perspective is important to polyamory and lay out the moral framework for an ethical system based in non-coercive informed consent.

Probably Poly

Diving into Non-Coercive Informed Consent

The wonderful Mandee Conant from Atlanta Poly Weekend (One of the largest and oldest polyamory conferences in the South East) Joins me on the show to talk APW and couples privilege.

Probably Poly Goes to APW

Mandee Conant returns and we all discus the meaning of objectification, how we want to use it on the show, and how the concept can be used in the non-monogamous discourse.

Objectification Overview

In this episode we discuss how heteroromantic love and heterosexiness are encoded in children's animated films.  We explain how it effects viewers, why its a problem, and which movies are the best movies to watch to avoid it.

Heteronormativity in Animated Films

Have you ever wondered why people tell more negative stories then positive stories? Or, wonder what the most commonly misunderstood reasons for communication breakdowns are? Do you just want to improve your own communication success rate? Or do you want to understand the linguistic theories that undergird the ethical theories we use at Probably Poly? Then check out this weeks episode.

Communication is Haaarrrrdd

What does it mean to you? Is it different for monogamous and non-monogamous communities? If so how? What is the difference, if any between commitments to sexual partners and non-sexual friends? This week on Probably Poly we talk commitment and try to answer these questions and more.

What Does Commitment Really Mean

What’s the difference between ending a relationship and transitioning one? If you do transition a relationship what are your options? How does navigating the end or transition of a relationship differ between polyamory and non-monogamy. Join us this week for the answers!

Ending vs Transitioning Relationships

Ever wondered what gives an action, or person, their moral worth? Do you wonder where our own values come from? Or, how to check in on if you are upholding your own ethics? Well then, join us this week on a deep dive to some of the foundational questions that any ethical project must answer.

How We Value

This week we discuss evaluating who and when you should come out to with our guest Sarah Neal who provides a set of questions you can ask yourself as a framework to understand the risks rewards and options available to you around coming out.

Questions to Ask Before Coming Out

This week we talk about how NRE (New Relationship Energy) highjacks your body and mind. We deal with questions about how you can lessen its effects, and if you could avoid it all together. Or if, you’re into NRE how to ride it in a safer more ethical fashion. We also discuss how NRE temporarily bridges the social energy gaps between introverts and extroverts and the fallout that causes.

Harvard Page on Science of Love: http://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

Understanding NRE

Our 30th episode was taped live at APW with our fans. We discuss the structure of jealously and answer listener questions directly in this extra long extra live episode.

Citations:
- Handbook of Jealousy (book) Edited by Sybil L. Hart and Maria Legerstee
- A Perfect Mess (book)Eric Abrahamson and David H. Freeman

Jealousy Live at APW

This week we talk in depth about the origins and functions of moral language, words like “good” and “evil”, “bad” and “good”. These sorts of questions are very important when thinking about how to judge others, how to forgive ourselves, and how to understand the burgeoning transformative justice movement.

Citations: 
Article about the issues of believing in meritocracy: https://www.fastcompany.com/40510522/meritocracy-doesnt-exist-and-believing-it-does-is-bad-for-you

How Believing In Good And Evil is Antisocial

ost people say they have it, but have you ever asked yourself what you mean when you say you have free will, what it means, or why it might matter? These questions are extremely important and we hope you’ll join us in exploring them.

Citations:
Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry on Free Will: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/freewill/

What is Free Will Anyway?

This week we respond to a listener question about how to work with neurodivergent members of our communities in a way that benefits everyone. We are particularly excited to have my friend Louis who identifies as having Aspergers stops by to give some guidance and react to our suggestions. After we published this episode we were contacted by a concerned listener. This version includes a forwards and afterwords intended to address those concerns. 

Forward: 00:00 - 04:26
Original Episode: 04:27 - 42:24
Afterword: 42:25 - 57:46

Citations:

Respectful Disability Language Guide: http://www.aucd.org/docs/add/sa_summits/Language%20Doc.pdf
MTV’s Decode Episode on African American Vernacular Dialect: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-VnitbeS6w&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR3XSX7w0cZYOFWVUwGknTWpUGe8B3njuIiphUqJZAa2jNcuVBX__9SY7XQ
Obsidian Tea: https://obsidiantea.com
Black and White Styles in Conflict: https://www.press.uchicago.edu/ucp/books/book/chicago/B/bo5960984.html
Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race:  http://renieddolodge.co.uk/books/
So You Want to Talk About Race: http://www.ijeomaoluo.com/
The Racial Contract by Charles W. Mills https://www.amazon.com/Racial-Contract-Charles-W-Mills/dp/0801484634
“Hey, Beautiful”: On the Racist and Classist Implications of the Catcalling Video: http://www.bkmag.com/2014/10/29/hey-beautiful-on-the-racist-and-classist-implications-of-the-catcalling-video/

Hidden Disabilities and Polyamorous Communities

This week Sarah Neal drops by again to help us tackle our first stab at the topic of cheating. We look at why people might cheat and how that might be different in a non-monogamous setting. We also look at how to handle cheating if it happens to you or you are engaged in cheating. And as usual Sarah and I tend to disagree at first but find some consensus by the end.

Lets Talk Cheating

This week Angel Kalafatis-Russell aka Professor Sex of ProfessorSex.com joins us to discuss the ethics of STI testing, treatment, and disclosure. As well as best safe practices for safer sex and STi testing. This super long pre-holiday episode features our new sound software made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. Thank you so much all those who have donated.

Links:
Professor Sex: https://professorsex.com
PolyPages Guest Episode: https://anchor.fm/polypages/episodes/BONUS---Polyamory-as-Identity--Sexual-Orientation--or-Intimate-Practice-e9c5om
Recommended Books Page: https://www.probablypoly.com/resources

Professor Sex and STI's

In this episode we use the holidays as a framing device to do a pretty deep dive into when and how it is morally acceptable to lie. We hit the whole range from big potentially life saving lies down to little white lies and even if lies meant to improve the wonder of children like Santa Clause are really super helpful. We hope you are having a wonderful holiday with your families and we hope you enjoy.

Family Lies

This week we talk about the difficult but ever-present issue of sharing social spaces with ex partners, as well as navigating how to handle the possibility of getting back together with an ex years later.

Sharing Spaces After a Breakup

Sharing emotions with the people around you is a cornerstone of authenticity but its easier said than done (especially in a culture which unfairly praises apparent objectivity), and much easier said than done to do it ethically. This week we look at all the benefits of that emotional content, the myth of the neutral “logical” position, and how to  engage that content as ethically as possible.

Next Group Chat will be August 22nd from 5 to 7 pm est. on Google Meets Link: meet.google.com/nyk-uzex-wkf 

Citations:
Episode Referenced for Manipulative Emotions: https://soundcloud.com/probably-poly/gatekeeping-and-shame
Episode on Holding Space through the lens of Mourning: https://soundcloud.com/probably-poly/mourning

No Such Thing as Objectivity

One of the most common confusions we hear in Ethical Non-Monogamy is, what exactly are boundaries, needs, and wants. How can you tell them apart? How can you tell if your partner really has a need or if it’s just a want? In this episode we tackle these questions and more as we attempt to clearly explain boundaries, needs, and wants.

Join Our Next Chat on Saturday September 26th from 5 to 7pm EST: meet.google.com/zta-qeiw-kbn

Citations:
First Video Episode at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKjr-doAGKk&t=36s
Donate at: https://www.probablypoly.com/donate

Boundries, Needs, and Wants

Episode 61 (Couples Privilege) is now live!

If you have at least one relationship then you have couples privilege. In this episode we look at what causes couples privilege, why it is so hard to see in yourself, and what we can do to help alleviate the sorts of harms that couples privilege is likely to cause. 

Join Our Next Chat tomorrow Saturday November 7th from 5 to 7pm EST: meet.google.com/ftw-gpod-adc

Couples Privilege

In this episode we invite therapist Dr. Daniel Stillwell on the show to discuss the difference between the ways in which he applies the theories of boundaries, needs, and wants in his practice and common ways these theories are discussed or talked about in relationship help texts and the poly community at large. We separate multiple functioning ways to apply different versions of these theories for different scenarios and discuss the importance of defining your terms in discussions with partners.

Join Our Next Chat Saturday November 7th from 5 to 7pm EST: meet.google.com/ftw-gpod-adc

Get a copy of the visual from the episode complete with map key at: https://www.probablypoly.com/resources

Check out Dr. Daniel Stillwell at StillwellTherapy.com

Same Words Different Tools

In this episode explore the ethics of closed relationships. This includes explicitly non-monogamous closed relationships (often called poly-fidelitous) as well as how unintentionally closed relationships that represent or see themselves as open form.

Visual Resource for Boundaries, Wants & Needs Visualization: probablypoly.com/resources

Closed Relationships: ethical & otherwise

We have the amazing honor this week of interviewing five of the people who spoke up about their experiences with Franklin Veaux, who have gone collectively by the name "the Franklin Veaux survivors" (although they don't all individually identify as survivors) — Melanie, Rose, Celeste, Eve and Marissa. We talk about what went right and what went wrong during the harms process and ways in which we can apply these lessons to our communities and culture going forward. 

Citations:
Survivor Archive: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com 
Jiji Judges: https://twitter.com/jijijudges 
Crystal Farmer on Reid Mihalko’s harms process: https://medium.com/@crystalbyrdfarmer/on-accountability-and-reid-mihalko-12bcb8afbb21
Rose on community response to Harms: https://ourbetternatures.wordpress.com/2019/06/08/community-response-to-complaints/
Survivor Statement about the Harms Process: https://link.medium.com/8g9lXLxeXbb

A First Hand Look at the Franklin Veaux Harms Process

Episode 65 (Crystal Byrd Farmer on The Token) is now live!

We are very lucky to have Crystal Byrd Farmer drop by this week to talk about her book. “The Token” is a practical guide, including workshops, on how to look critically at majority communities wishing to increase diversity across any axis as well as common mistakes, how well meaning people are often still doing harm, and the best ways to avoid those harms.

Citations:
Crystal’s Website: https://crystalbyrdfarmer.com
Buy the Token from the Publisher: https://newsociety.com/books/t/the-token

Probably Poly

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