"Dance Monkey" was a global smash hit for this Australian artist in 2019, and since then the music video has had well over one billion views on YouTube!  It is perhaps most remembered for Tones and I dressing up as an old man, complete with beard and prosthetics!  For this collab, I enlisted the services of an American vocalist I encountered as part of an online music club called dnldr.  Danielle Hollobaugh is an accomplished singer, having built a solid fanbase on social media over the years!  She is also a professional actress, so that's another handy string to her bow!

The arrangement was a lot of fun for me to put together.  I remember I had the vast majority of it done within one continuous four-hour session.  I came home from work one day and then started on it, then just kept pushing through without a break.  All that was left to do from there was to add Danielle's vocals, and then I was able to achieve a very nice mix.  A lot of the sounds were taken from my Roland FA-06 music workstation, with the bass coming from my Technics SX-KN930 keyboard.  I ended up using the drums from a different unfinished project, and they work fine here.  This collab was actually completed in early 2020, but I'm only getting around to uploading it just now.  Original song by Tones and I.  Cover collab by Protis & Danielle Hollobaugh.

Tones and I - Dance Monkey (collab With Danielle Hollobaugh)

My song is about questioning whether or not life is easy, as well as an actual piece of cake that may have become a metaphor for life somehow.  Metaphors have never been my strong point when it comes to songwriting, so it's quite rare for me to even have a go at using them.  The verse and pre-chorus melodies have been taken and adapted from two different song that I had previously written for I Heart Songwriting Club.


VERSE 1
It's a piece of cake
Is life too easy
I don't think so
No I don't think so

Ups and downs galore
Knock-backs and throwbacks
It's a complex ride
Yes it's a complex ride


PRE-CHORUS
We are not meant to comply
Most are struggling to get by
Many will reach for the sky
And then ask why oh why


CHORUS
Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it

Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it


VERSE 2
It's a piece of cake
Sitting on a plate
Waiting to be consumed
Don't let it go to waste

Oh so rich and moist
And so full of flavour
Sink your teeth into it
It's one to be savoured


PRE-CJHORUS
Time to make a break for life
Let your spirit gather flight
It takes one slip of the knife
To land yourself in strife


CHORUS
Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it

Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it


CHORUS
Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it

Bounce back from adversity
You must know your limits
There's no need to swing the lead
It's your life so go live it

Piece Of Cake

This is my 100th submission for I Heart Songwriting Club.  It's a somewhat angry song about incidents from my high school days.  Life in general is full of ups and downs, perhaps none more so when you're trying to juggle education with a social life and fitting in with others.  As if these things weren't hard enough for me back then, without having someone constantly badgering me and trying all they can to exclude me from their group!  This ordeal only lasted one year, and then things were pretty much back to normal for the remaining years of high school.  All this stuff was never spoken of again, much to my relief.  I always wondered why it happened though, and I never did find out the reason for that.  I suppose at the end of the day, these incidents are more a reflection on this person than myself.  If anything, they helped me to grow and have a better understanding of the world around me.  As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!


CHORUS
Karma is a bitch
I want my revenge
You will pay for what you did to me

Robbed me of my confidence
You'll get your comeuppance
And will never walk away scot-free


VERSE 1
You said I needed new friends
When the ones I had were fine
You were so consumed with jealousy

But I had the last laugh
When the others had my back
In the end you wished that you were me

You were always envious
Of how they all liked me
So you said the opposite was true

But they all stood by me
We are never backing down
Then you were made to look like a fool


CHORUS
Karma is a bitch
I want my revenge
You will pay for what you did to me

Robbed me of my confidence
You'll get your comeuppance
And will never walk away scot-free


VERSE 2
So why did you do it
I wish you would answer me
So that I can finally know the truth

But that will never happen
Because you've gone away
At least we won't be fighting nail and tooth

We had always got along
Except for that one year
When you tried to make my school life hell

But i rose above it all
And showed a lot of strength
I wonder why you didn't get expelled


CHORUS
Karma is a bitch
I want my revenge
You will pay for what you did to me

Robbed me of my confidence
You'll get your comeuppance
And will never walk away scot-free

Karma Is A Bitch

I had a number of ideas when it came to pondering this week's theme.  The actor George Segal was in the film adaptation of a play called "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf?", and he was also in the 1990's sitcom "Just Shoot Me."  Thoughts of photography ran though my head as I considered writing a song about another one of my friends.  Then I wondered if the song should be about a wolf, or perhaps a wolf in sheep's clothing.  Come to think of it, this is an idea good enough to be shelved for another time!  In the end though, I decided to write my song about the feeling of literally biting my tongue.  I did this at work on my lunch break recently, and I'm still feeling the repercussions!  I have done this a fair few times in the past, and it always hurts for an extended period of time due to the tongue being a muscle.  I still can't decide which is worse, biting your tongue or burning it on hot food!  I guess it all depends on how severely you bite or burn it, as one time my tongue actually turned purple after having bitten down on it supposedly thinking it was part of my burger!  Not only have I started with the chorus in this song, but I have deliberately made it much more wordy than the verses while using a different rhyming scheme as well.


CHORUS
I bit my tongue and it made me cry
It hurts so much that I want to die
I can't help but ask myself why
Do I keep doing these things

Do I like the pain?  No I don't!
Am I going insane? Yes I am!
Why does it always get in the way
When there really is no need


VERSE 1
Throbbing through my body
The pain of a bitten tongue
It bled quite a lot as well
It feels like I've been stung

I once ate a burger
And bit down on it then
It actually turned purple
And the damage was done


CHORUS
I bit my tongue and it made me cry
It hurts so much that I want to die
I can't help but ask myself why
Do I keep doing these things

Do I like the pain?  No I don't!
Am I going insane? Yes I am!
Why does it always get in the way
When there really is no need


VERSE 2
It takes some time to heal
Because the tongue is a muscle
You'll suffer for a while
It's a real hard tussle

So you must wait it out
While dealing with the heat
Has my mouth gone up in flames
It certainly feels like it


CHORUS
I bit my tongue and it made me cry
It hurts so much that I want to die
I can't help but ask myself why
Do I keep doing these things

Do I like the pain?  No I don't!
Am I going insane? Yes I am!
Why does it always get in the way
When there really is no need

I Bit My Tongue

Once again, this week's theme had me go on a somewhat wayward thought process.  I first thought about the future, and how often things were predicted in the past that either ended up happening or didn't.  Flying cars come to mind, quite obviously.  Thoughts then turned to movies such as Back To The Future and TV shows like Futurama, but I felt like all of that had been done before.  Then I remembered a friend of mine named Tori Turner, and how we met at a Sam Buckingham gig last year!  She works at a Crystal Warehouse, and those products are really good at calming your spirit and improving your mood among other things.  I was initially sceptical, but at the gig Tori placed one on my wrist and I noticed the difference almost instantly!  I wore it to bed that night and for at least several months after the gig, and my whole wellbeing was a whole lot better as a result.  I cannot recommend then enough, to be honest!


VERSE 1
Drawing breath slowly
Calming your nerves
All the good things for your soul
Are very well deserved

Changing your mindset
Improving your mood
Soothing your spirit
Looking after you


CHORUS
The power of crystals
Is a wonderful thing
You feel so much better
Every step is a spring

A great way to unwind
From all the stress in life
Do yourself a favour
And give them a try


VERSE 2
Tori sells these crystals
We first met at a gig
She placed one on my wrist
And the difference was big

I wore it as I slept
And woke up feeling fine
I'm so glad that she
Brought them into my life


CHORUS
The power of crystals
Is a wonderful thing
You feel so much better
Every step is a spring

A great way to unwind
From all the stress in life
Do yourself a favour
And give them a try

Crystals

This is the result of my first ever in-person co-writing session, and who better to do it with than someone like Sam Buckingham?  She's an Australian singer-songwriter who released her third album "Dear John" in April of 2022.  I took part in a crowdfunding campaign to help her achieve this, and one of the rewards she offered for the participants was a songwriting session.  Naturally I snapped up this offer, and one of my dreams became a reality.  As for the song itself, I wanted to write about something personal that would initially make me feel vulnerable.  I hadn't written about my father yet, so I decided to give that a go.  He passed away in 1987 having taken his own life, when I was just five years old.  For those who are wondering, Denis was his name.  This is perhaps one of the most personal songs that I have written (or co-written), but I managed to get through it with Sam by my side.  I am so grateful for this opportunity to write with her, and I look forward to doing more in-person co-writes with others in future.


VERSE 1
Aches in my chest
The pain won't go away
I can't decide if
I want to live another day

She's so upset
How did it come to this
I've lost control
Of this relationship


CHORUS
He was here one day
The next day he was gone
I can't remember
Feeling so forlorn

I look back and I wonder
If he'd be proud of me
If only he were here
Then he would see
The man that I turned out to be


VERSE 2
He's losing his mind
Testing my patience
he's not the man
I thought I married

Two kids to care for
One on the way
I have no idea
If he will stay


CHORUS
He was here one day
The next day he was gone
I can't remember
Feeling so forlorn

I look back and I wonder
If he'd be proud of me
If only he were here
Then he would see
The man that I turned out to be


VERSE 3
I was so young
I didn't understand
Why so much pain
Was consuming this man

But I cannot change it
What's done is done
Now my bond with Mum
Is even stronger


CHORUS
He was here one day
The next day he was gone
I can't remember
Feeling so forlorn

I look back and I wonder
If he'd be proud of me
If only he were here
Then he would see
The man that I turned out to be

Denis (co-written with Sam Buckingham)

Upon seeing this week's theme, I immediately thought about the concept of friendship and what it means to me.  I originally wanted to avoid using words like "friend" and "friendship" in the song, but then I came up with a much better idea.  I've seen several videos on YouTube where people ask each other various questions to see how much they know about each other.  The most common of these is what's known as the "best friend tag", but others exist as well for siblings, partners, etc.  Sometimes the participants include a sort of punishment for getting a question wrong, such as whipped cream in the face or having an egg smashed on their head.  It's all in good fun, and those videos can be quite entertaining to watch.  This can also beg the question: how much do you actually know about other people in your life?


VERSE 1
When did we first meet
Can you recall
Wasn't it one time
In the school hall

We hung out daily
And became close
Our bond was so strong
We made the most


PRE-CHORUS
A series of queries
May boggle your mind
Jog your memory
See what you find


CHORUS
The best friend tag
Is the ultimate test
How well do you know me
Give it your best

Get a question wrong
Whipped cream in the face
It's all in good fun
You're never disgraced


VERSE 2
When is my birthday
Isn't it near yours
Weren't there big parties
That were never bores

So many friends there
Were sharing the love
Supporting each other
Beyond and above


PRE-CHORUS
A series of queries
May boggle your mind
Jog your memory
See what you find


CHORUS
The best friend tag
Is the ultimate test
How well do you know me
Give it your best

Get a question wrong
Whipped cream in the face
It's all in good fun
You're never disgraced


VERSE 3
What's my favourite colour
Green, blue or yellow
Do you remember
When I played the cello

I was eight years old
It was bigger than me
I did enjoy learning
That I guarantee


PRE-CHORUS
A series of queries
May boggle your mind
Jog your memory
See what you find


CHORUS
The best friend tag
Is the ultimate test
How well do you know me
Give it your best

Get a question wrong
Whipped cream in the face
It's all in good fun
You're never disgraced

Always Tell The Truth

I had already written a song mentioning tears in my previous submission for this term.  Because of this, I decided to use a homonym in the form of tiers instead.  In the context of membership, tiers can refer to levels where each one has a different set of options.  The cheapest tier offers the least amount of features, and the price increases with each more expensive tier.  This song is not about membership however, as I've stripped the idea back to the very basics.  We can all learn more about whatever we choose to undertake in life, so I think of that as "levelling up."  This is also common in the video game genre known as RPG (role-playing game), where you "level up" your characters to make them stronger and more skilled to take out the bad guys.  I've chosen to adopt a three-line structure throughout the song, and how this works is as follows.  Line 1 of each section of lyrics contains five syllables, with line 2 having six syllables and line 3 consisting of seven syllables.  Throughout my songwriting within the Club, I have given a lot of thought to my syllables counts to make sure the lyrics flow and are singable.  What I'm doing here is a bit of a twist on my usual formula, which can only be encouraged in I Heart Songwriting Club.  For the harmonies in verses 2 and 3, I simply used the melody as well as the lyrics from the previous verses.  I deadened these in the mix so that the main vocals would stand out.  You'll hear what I mean as you listen.


CHORUS
Level up your life
Build your experience
There's always time to upskill

Nothing's better than
A mind filled with wisdom
Just imagine the sheer thrill


VERSE 1
Study can be tough
Getting assignments done
It's the best thing you can do

You will learn a lot
If you go take a chance
Much more than you ever knew


CHORUS
Level up your life
Build your experience
There's always time to upskill

Nothing's better than
A mind filled with wisdom
Just imagine the sheer thrill


VERSE 2
Work towards your goal
Of getting promoted
Soon you will manage a team

Delegating tasks
Having authority
Is one of your biggest dreams


CHORUS
Level up your life
Build your experience
There's always time to upskill

Nothing's better than
A mind filled with wisdom
Just imagine the sheer thrill


VERSE 3
You life is enriched
As you're helping others
Fulfil their aspirations

They look to enhance
Their own skill sets as well
To reach their destinations


CHORUS
Level up your life
Build your experience
There's always time to upskill

Nothing's better than
A mind filled with wisdom
Just imagine the sheer thrill

Level Up Your Life

This week's theme made me think of a series of inspirational and motivational sayings, such as "drive to survive" and "dare to be different" to name a few.  I see the word drive in a similar way to how I see the word determination, where you're working towards something to reach your final goal of where you really want to be in life.  I have been working in retail for over 20 years, and the time is right for me to work towards doing something else.  I have recently taken up freelancing, where I write music for other people's lyrics.  I would love to do more of this, and eventually get enough work so that I can eventually work from home.  This may take some time to achieve, but I will get there if I keep it up and stick to my guns.  I am in this for the long haul, because this is my idea of "wildest creative dreams" as Francesca may very well say.  For my letter theme this week, I decided to write my song in the disco style.  I was even toying with the idea of doing it like The Bee Gees, but then I thought that the outcome would be a daring disaster!  I cannot help but think that I've already used the verse melody from this song in something else, but I just can't put my finger on it.


VERSE 1
Twenty years in retail is a very long time
To spend at a job for anyone
It's the only real employment you've ever had
Apart from a weekly paper run

You feel like it's time for you to move on
And strive towards doing something else
Music is a skill that you've had for life
And it should not be left on the shelf
It should not be left on the shelf


CHORUS
Drive to survive and you will thrive
Do what you want to do
It's not to late to seal your fate
Although the uncharted is new

To work from home is so unknown
It's where you'd like to be
Just sort it out and you will shout
This is how it feels to be free


VERSE 2
You've recently taken up freelancing
Which has always been a great deal of fun
You write music for other people's words
And it's then that you Feel like number one

You want to do it as much as you can
You are really in this for the long haul
You will reach the final destination
Then one day this career will be yours
Then one day this career will be yours


CHORUS
Drive to survive and you will thrive
Do what you want to do
It's not to late to seal your fate
Although the uncharted is new

To work from home is so unknown
It's where you'd like to be
Just sort it out and you will shout
This is how it feels to be free

Drive To Survive

I recognise this week's theme from the first co-writing session i ever did with I Heart Songwriting Club.  On that occasion, I teamed up with two others as we crafted a song called "Jimmy's Jaunt."  As I recall, it was basically about a guy who turns to the shady side of life in order to provide for his family.  For my song submission though, I have decided to write about the underground music scene.  I'm trying to go for a "show not tell" type of lyric, and being descriptive while using minimal syllables in each line again.  I went for a heavier overall sound, so I chose harsh stabbing piano chords which helps portray the throbbing nature of the underground quite nicely.  It's the feeling you get when you go to a festival and you can literally feel the music vibrating in your chest!  The chorus, as well as being more wordy, details a fictional venue called The Underground. Upon further research though, I found that there's an actual venue with that name in America!  The third verse makes mention of a friend of mine called Darcy, who is a music photographer and is often seen at various gigs and festivals around the place.  I myself have been going out to see more live music over the last six months or so, and I absolutely love it!  If anything, I wish I had started doing this kind of thing earlier in my life.  Better late than never though, right?  


VERSE 1
Dark corridors
Stages bathed in light
Sweaty moshpits
Such an unreal sight

We're on tonight
The band plays at ten
It will be fun
Hope to see you then


CHORUS
The Underground is where it's at
A warm welcome to one and all
I'm sure you'll love what we offer
It's live music from wall to wall

Our open mic nights are the bomb
You never know what you will get
So come in and enjoy yourself
It's a choice that you won't regret


VERSE 2
The crowd is one
Moving to the beat
Underground is
Music from the street

Sing your heart out
If you know the words
You're invited to
The best show on earth


CHORUS
The Underground is where it's at
A warm welcome to one and all
I'm sure you'll love what we offer
It's live music from wall to wall

Our open mic nights are the bomb
You never know what you will get
So come in and enjoy yourself
It's a choice that you won't regret


VERSE 3
Smile for the lens
Darcy takes the shots
When she comes near
Ask her what's the goss

The smell of booze
Or perhaps it's pot
It's all the same
At this rowdy spot


CHORUS
The Underground is where it's at
A warm welcome to one and all
I'm sure you'll love what we offer
It's live music from wall to wall

Our open mic nights are the bomb
You never know what you will get
So come in and enjoy yourself
It's a choice that you won't regret

The Underground

The first thing that came to mind for this week's theme was my brother.  He works for a company called Latitude Financial Services, and he's been a part of their team for the last few years at least.  The office where he worked had to close down due to the COVID-19 pandemic, so he has been working from home since early May.  Some may recall the TV commercials for Latitude featuring Alec Baldwin, and no my brother never got to meet him.


VERSE 1
The hours go by so slowly as he sits behind his desk
He wants to help those people in financial distress
He wishes to eradicate their credit card debt
Before bankruptcy can create a real threat


CHORUS
My brother works for Latitude, a finance company
He works from home in solitude, it's where he can be free
It really gives him gratitude to not wear uniform
He must have attitude to avoid the boss's scorn


VERSE 2
His job may be so taxing, there is no doubting that
He works throughout the day, but will stop to feed his cats
He offers real solutions for civilians' money woes
And when he takes his breaks, he can even touch his toes


CHORUS
My brother works for Latitude, a finance company
He works from home in solitude, it's where he can be free
It really gives him gratitude to not wear uniform
He must have attitude to avoid the boss's scorn


VERSE 3
He takes part in Zoom meetings, which can be lots of fun
His workmates come together just to get the job done
And when five-thirty rolls around, he turns off his device
Then he gets some exercise in  fading sunlight


CHORUS
My brother works for Latitude, a finance company
He works from home in solitude, it's where he can be free
It really gives him gratitude to not wear uniform
He must have attitude to avoid the boss's scorn

Latitude

This song uses an instrumental I made in the music program ACID back in 2003, and perhaps ironically I called it "The Club".  Given that the guideline for my previous co-writing session was to start with a beat, I decided to go back through my "alchives" (not a typo, but a play on my real name which is Alan) and dig up this little treasure.  I tweaked it here and there so it would fit the structure of the new song here, and this is the result.  Back in the early 2000s I played around with loops and samples a lot, and ACID is the perfect program for that.  This week's songwriting task sort of felt like I was getting reacquainted with an old friend, given that my DAW of choice these days is FL Studio.


INTRO
Time is running out
It makes we want to scream and shout
Time is running out
It makes me want to scream and
Shout shout shout shout shout shout shout 


VERSE 1
I have no time to stand about
I really want to turn and pout
I know that I am short and stout
It's true without a doubt

I'm always falling short of time
For coming up with decent rhyme
Perhaps he's right, I should resign
Myself to the mere truth by my design
Zign zign zign zign zign zign


CHORUS
Watch yourself as time goes by
The hands move fast, I don't know why
I'm having fun but the hours fly
I wish I could slow it down

I need more time to enjoy my life
Before I know it, I'll have a wife
She and I may go through strife
And drama may be rife

Please slow down down down
Time is going too fast fast fast


VERSE 2
An hour is not a lot of time
To write a song I can call mine
I cannot help but force the rhymes
But is it such a crime?

Time is up then you'll record
And watch as the song's put to the sword
It's all a bit risk and a bit reward
With others leaving feedback across the board
Board board board board board board


CHORUS
Watch yourself as time goes by
The hands move fast, I don't know why
I'm having fun but the hours fly
I wish I could slow it down

I need more time to enjoy my life
Before I know it, I'll have a wife
She and I may go through strife
And drama may be rife

Please slow down down down
Time is going too fast fast fast

Time Is Running Out

My life has not been the easiest when it comes to social interaction.  I'm much more comfortable with chatting to people online first, before meeting them in person.  Put me in a room full of them, and more often than not I'm lost at sea!  I much prefer smaller groups, but even then they all seem to pair off and I'm left just standing there!  It's so hard for someone like me to go up to a stranger and start a conversation, especially since we had "stranger danger" effectively drilled into us at primary school!  I'm much more comfortable when I'm with someone I know, and they introduce me to people then the conversations become easier!  Through working with colleagues and customers in my job however, my communication skills have become so much better over the years but I still have feelings of anxiety about social situations in general.  For my "letter" theme this week, I've decided to go with Nostalgia so I used an Oldies-sounding "driving rhythm" (as per the extra challenge).  I think it suits the subject matter of the song quite well.


VERSE 1
I recognise her face
I'm too shy to say hi
Will she remember me
From chats we had online

She did know who I was
We had a lovely talk
She made the first move though
I'm sure I would have baulked


PRE-CHORUS
That's me in the corner
Watching others have fun
What am I doing here
I just feel really dumb


CHORUS
Why am I so damn shy
I've always been like this
I feel like such a fool
About things I have missed

I shut off completely
And go all stiff and scared
Why am I in this place
My life is so unfair


VERSE 2
I'm full of anxiety
Bigger groups frighten me
When I'm amongst them
I'm always lost at sea

Why is it so damn hard
To converse with others
Is it cos they're neither
My sister nor my brother


PRE-CHORUS
That's me in the corner
Watching others have fun
What am I doing here
I just feel really dumb


CHORUS
Why am I so damn shy
I've always been like this
I feel like such a fool
About things I have missed

I shut off completely
And go all stiff and scared
Why am I in this place
My life is so unfair


ENDING
I feel like I'm improving
In more recent years
Things are not so scary
As I can face my fears

Strangers are just new friends
That you are yet to meet
Once you can break the ice
Then you're in for a treat
Once you can break the ice
Then you're in for a treat

So Damn Shy

Writing the lyrics for this song turned out to be quite a bit easier than I first thought.  This songwriting tasks really do make you think though, in order to make a coherent song in an hour.  I thought I was out of practice when it comes to writing songs, but the lyrics just came to me.  I managed to complete the lyrics in little over half an hour, with the rest of the time being spent working out a simple arrangement for the song.


VERSE 1
It's a leap year, it's your birthday
On February twenty-nine
It's a leap year, it's your birthday
We really hope you're feeling fine

It's a very special time of year
That will make you feel unique
It's a leap year, it's your birthday
We hope you will enjoy the week


VERSE 2
When you leap over obstacles in your life
It makes you feel really good
Just knowing that you're achieved something
And doing everything you should

By kicking goals all over the place
You won't be stuck in the mud
Just stare them down and win the race
Until the rain becomes a flood


VERSE 3
The Olympic Games happen every leap year
Where they strive to do their best
The athletes shed blood, sweat and tears
To finish well above the rest

You can always aim to accomplish more
Than anyone has done in the past
You'll get first place in no time flat
And you'll make the victories last


VERSE 4
Your birthday's even more special this year
We're sure you'll have a nice surprise
When friends and family all come around
You'll feel like you've won first prize

When you're surrounded by the ones you love
What a grand occasion you'll make
It's a leap year, it's your birthday
Now let's all have some cake!
Now let's have some cake!

It's A Leap Year, It's Your Birthday

As much as I love hot buttered crumpets, I have no idea where to start when it comes to making them!  Over the weekend I stared thinking about the dance style called krumping (which I admittedly don't know a great deal about either!), and that's what I decided to base my song around.  I started describing how to reach that stage in the form of a recipe, but I guess that format sort of changed throughout the song.  I also wanted to strip the song back to just piano and vocals this week, as it can be difficult to find a suitable drums-and-instruments backing within the allotted time limit.  The music here is definitely NOT what one would actually krump to, as that particular dance style uses more highly-energetic and upbeat tunes.  I also can't help but think that a lot of my song submissions may follow similar chord progressions to each other, even though I do try my best to change it up and get some variety in there.  Brace yourselves for some more shoddy singing folks!
	

VERSE 1
I really want to krump it on the dance floor
Or maybe even krump it on the street
It really takes a while to reach that stage though
So now I have the recipe for it

First you'll need to get a lot of exercise
Three cupfuls of that shuould be enough
Spoonfuls each of poise and dedication
So then the whole thing will not seem so tough


CHORUS
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all day
First heard of it on Dancing With The Stars
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all night
People look at you and think that it's a farce

Krump it, just krump it 'til you can't get enough
There's no need to care what other people think
Krump it, just krump it until it ges dark
Then you'll totally find the missing link


VERSE 2
You're really gonna wanna hit the gym now
Three of four times weekly should suffice
It really helps if you improve your fitness
So the krumping's feeling even more nice

Butter those buns and get on with the job now
Cos you really need to boost your energy
Krumping is a high impact dance style
That will make your whole body feel free


CHORUS
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all day
First heard of it on Dancing With The Stars
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all night
People look at you and think that it's a farce

Krump it, just krump it 'til you can't get enough
There's no need to care what other people think
Krump it, just krump it until it ges dark
Then you'll totally find the missing link


VERSE 3
It's vital that you have a balanced diet
So cut out sugar and all fatty foods
You'd hate to feel all bloated while you're dancing
Cos that will put you in a bad mood

Better watch the booze and cut out smoking
As they can make you feel flat and droopy
You need as much vitality as you can get
So you don't feel like you're getting loopy


CHORUS
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all day
First heard of it on Dancing With The Stars
Krump it, just krump it, just krump it all night
People look at you and think that it's a farce

Krump it, just krump it 'til you can't get enough
There's no need to care what other people think
Krump it, just krump it until it ges dark
Then you'll totally find the missing link

Krump It

This theme really took me back to my primary school years.  About 30 or so years so, my teacher decided that we would all do "impromptu" speeches about topics he seemingly chose out of thin air.  From what I can recall, I was one of the first to stand up in front of the class and the topic I was given was "UFO."  At that time in my life, I had never even heard of what a UFO is!  With just that to go by and with no other preparation time allowed, I proceeded to say things around looking up at the sky and saying "Look! A UFO!"  Needless to say, that was my first and last ever impromptu speech!  Later on, I learned that UFO actually stands for Unidentified Flying Object.  It's pretty much related to spaceships and science fiction, but my logic at the time made me ask the question "If anything is flying through the air and no-one is able identify what it is, wouldn't it technically be a UFO?"  The answer to that is most probably no, but it's funny to think about the ways a child's mind works!


VERSE 1
At school I had to give a speech
About a UFO
I had no idea where to start
Or how I'd even go

I felt like I'd been put up front
And into the spotlight
I hated the attention
At this time in my life


CHORUS
What the hell is a UFO
I wondered to myself
This was an impromptu talk
With no-one there to help

I came up with a minute's spiel
Where I just rambled on
If this had been Red Faces
I would surely get the gong


VERSE 2
I learned of flying objects
That were unidentified
This filled me with smart ideas
And a good way to survive

If no-one knew what a frisbee was
Would it be a UFO
That could get people thinking
About the meaning of it all


CHORUS
What the hell is a UFO
I wondered to myself
This was an impromptu talk
With no-one there to help

I came up with a minute's spiel
Where I just rambled on
If this had been Red Faces
I would surely get the gong


VERSE 3
Anything that moves through air
That was unknown to me
I would call that a UFO
It's what my mind would see

I found that to be incorrect
But felt like I had won
As far as technicalities go
I had outsmarted everyone


CHORUS
What the hell is a UFO
I wondered to myself
This was an impromptu talk
With no-one there to help

I came up with a minute's spiel
Where I just rambled on
If this had been Red Faces
I would surely get the gong

What The Hell Is A UFO?

For this week's theme, I thought of the word Aniseed as "Anna's Seed."  One of my open mic friends goes by the name Annabelle, and she is a talented singer-songwriter who gets up on stage almost every week to share her talents.  She befriended another one of my friends whose artist name is Rach Shine, and the two of them have performed together and become rather close.  Rach and I met mid-last year at an open mic night, where neither one of us ended up playing due to various technical difficulties.  Rach had seen a video on Instagram of me performing, and she recognised me as I just so happened to be sitting at the table next to her.  She reached out (or rached out, if you will) to me, and we've become really good friends.  In the following months, we have gone to more open mics together and started performing as a duo.  This is despite the fact that both of us have full-time jobs, so it has been a delicate balancing act to make it all happen.  We are so both so thankful that it did though, well and truly!


VERSE 1
I went to Stones Corner
Where everything went wrong
I didn't get to play
Not even just one song

Someone's keyboard blew up
I was going on tenth
An early work shift beckoned me
And I'd go home before then


VERSE 2
I was sitting next to her
Not knowing who she was
Then she turned around to face me
Just because

She had seen me on the net
As I played on my keys
She struck up a convo
And we were both so pleased


VERSE 3
We really hit it off
She played piano too
We talked for two hours
And nothing was taboo

I had made a new friend
And entered the Rach Shrine
We both clicked instantly
Her talents were like mine


VERSE 4
Over the coming months
We chose to be a team
Performing in front of friends
It felt like such a dream

We keep getting closer
Whenever we touch base
Let's hope we keep this up
Both on and off the stage

The Rach Shrine

This song is about the history of the St George Illawarra Dragons rugby league team.  It's a joint venture club, formed by the merging of the St George Dragons and the Illawarra Steelers.  As a single entity, the Dragons entered the New South Wales Rugby League competition in 1921 and won 11 straight premierships between 1956 and 1966.  The Steelers, by comparison, entered the same competition in 1982 and were only moderately successful.  The two clubs decided to join forces at the end of the 1998 season, combining their playing squads to create a truly powerful team.  The first verse goes over their grand final appearance in 1999 which was their first season, where they lost to the Melbourne Storm who were only in their second season themselves.  The second verse recalls the Dragons' grand final win in 2010, with former Brisbane Broncos coach Wayne Bennett at the helm.  Another ex-Bronco in Darius Boyd won the Clive Churchill Medal for best player in the decider that year.  The third verse details the drama that has engulfed the Dragons over the last few years, with a huge turnover of players and coaching staff.  Could Season 2024 be the year of the Dragon?  Sure, if they end up getting the wooden spoon for finishing last in the competition!  This song basically wrote itself, given that I've been a massive rugby league fan for 30 years!  By the way, the team I support is the Brisbane Broncos.  The chord progression in the verses is based on "When The Saints Go Marching In" but in a minor key as per the guideline.


VERSE 1
This team formed in '99
With the city of steel they merged
A strong joint venture club was born
To the great big dance they surged

They faced the Storm that afternoon
And led by 14 points
Melbourne took the chocolates though
And nearly wrecked the joint


CHORUS
Saints and sinners
Losers and winners
The ups and downs of life

It's not just on
The sporting field
Where things can seem contrite


VERSE 2
The season of 2009
Saw Benny take the reins
They made the semi-finals and lost
That year was all in vain

They struck gold in 2010
And won the premiership
They beat the Chooks by 24
With no sign of backflips


CHORUS
Saints and sinners
Losers and winners
The ups and downs of life

It's not just on
The sporting field
Where things can seem contrite


VERSE 3
The last few years have not been kind
As the Dragons hit the wall
Coaching staff and players left
Oh how the mighty can fall

They need a stroke of Lady Luck
In 2024
Their fans will hope for miracles
With another new mentor


CHORUS
Saints and sinners
Losers and winners
The ups and downs of life

It's not just on
The sporting field
Where things can seem contrite


CHORUS
Saints and sinners
Losers and winners
The ups and downs of life

It's not just on
The sporting field
Where things can seem contrite

Saints & Sinners

For this week's theme, my first thought was of the TV show Rugrats where one of the characters pronounced "Fragile" as "fra-jill-eh."  Jill is my mother's name, so that made me think of a parody song I wrote to the tune of Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again."  I called my parody "On The Phone Again", due to memories of Mum spending countless hours on the phone talking to her friends  I figured it would be too mean of me to just sing my parody lyrics to an original melody, while keeping a similar chord progression to the Willie Nelson song.  Instead, I decided to write my song about people (mainly teenagers) who spend almost all their spare time looking at various screens!  They can range from anything like TVs and computer monitors, to even mobile phones and other portable devices.  It seems like it's all they do these days, so maybe it's little wonder that some people has such short attention spans!  This kind of behaviour can be highly addictive, and I myself have found this to be true as I used to lose track of time and finally go to bed in the early hours of the morning!


VERSE 1
She is on her phone again
Talking to all of her friends
Just your average teenage girl

Nothing else is getting done
But she sits there having fun
And she's living in her own world

She doesn't come for dinner
Their patience will get thinner
As this will keep going on

She will be on it all night
Then they will turn out the light
And say "you're been there too long"


CHORUS 1
She is a slave to the screen
This behaviour is obscene
She will end up with square eyes
Which could begin her demise


VERSE 2
He is playing games again
Across the pond with all his friends
Just your average teenage boy

PSN and Xbox Live
Is where he really comes alive
And his heart is filled with joy

He wants to beat the high score
In his chair he's craving more
Until he makes it to the last boss

Come morning he is still awake
And playing just one more game
After every single loss


CHORUS 2
He is a slave to the screen
This behaviour is obscene
He will end up with square eyes
Which could begin his demise


ENDING
Too much screen time can be bad
Take a break, this ain't no fad
Too much screen time can be bad
Take a break, this ain't no fad

Slave To The Screen

For this week's theme, I first thought of Ricki Lake and her talk show back in the 1990s.  It had me thinking about all of those similar daytime TV shows that were all the rage throughout the 90s and in more recent times.  Jerry Springer is perhaps one of the most notable examples, where his guests really air their grievances when they rip into each other on stage.  One particular program I took interest in was from England called The Jeremy Kyle Show.  It has a very similar premise to Jerry Springer, but it's arguably more extreme than its American counterpart.  The British program features lie detector and DNA tests, which have been known to have a hand in destroying relationships and families.  The two shows are complete and utter trash, and could both be described as "car crash TV" as in you just can't look away.  At times, it's intriguing to see what will happen next.  It really makes me wonder who in their right mind would go on TV to humiliate themselves in this fashion?  Weird Al Yankovic wrote a parody of the song "One Week" by The Barenaked Ladies, which was called "Jerry Springer."  This song is based on the chord progression used in "One Week", with a completely different melody of course.


CHORUS 1
I'm backstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm backstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm backstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm backstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page


VERSE 1
You ruined my life
You slept with my wife
We'd been together for so long

She cheated on me
With this little flea
Now our friendship is long gone

We used to be mates
But that was a mistake
When I found out who you really are

You showed your true colours
And that was a disaster
Now you can go get fucked


CHORUS 2
I'm onstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm onstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm onstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm onstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page


VERSE 2
The baby's not mine
You've wasted my time
How could you do this to me

You were so curious
That makes me furious
You've broken this family

I hope you are happy
Our lives are now crappy
You could not keep it down

You won't be forgiven
For the wedge you've driven
Oh you are such a clown


BRIDGE
You brought us on this talk show
To try and sort things out
It has done the opposite
All we do is scream and shout

The host always makes fun of us
And offers no help at all
His only care is the ratings
And setting us up to fall


CHORUS 3
I'm offstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm offstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm offstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

I'm offstage
Full of rage
I can't turn the page

Talk Show

It is somewhat appropriate that the 2024 National Rugby League premiership season begins this weekend, in Las Vegas of all places!  Vegas is perhaps best known for its nightly live entertainment, its wedding chapels and of course gambling.  In fact, Louisiana and Nevada (where Las Vegas is located) are the only two states in the whole of America where casino-style gambling is legal.  To have a bet on sporting events, or pretty much anything else for that matter, can be highly addictive.  People have lost so much money, as well as other things, due to "chasing the win."  One song that comes to mind which is about gambling addiction is "Blow Up The Pokies" by The Whitlams.  Musically it sounds happy and wholesome, but lyrically it's the complete opposite!  As for this week's theme, the word "premonition" is in the first verse of the Ricky Martin song "Livin' La Vida Loca."  I have decided to base my chord progression on the one used in that song.


VERSE 1
Having a punt
Having a gamble
Losing your money
Life is a shambles

Betting's a habit
Of the worst kind
It's not even fun
Instead it's a grind


CHORUS
The thrill of the chase
Really lures you in
You stay there for hours
Just craving the win

That will never happen
Not with all these odds
You will keep on playing
Until you lose the lot


VERSE 2
People spend heaps
At all of these places
More often than not
It's their life savings

They get so addicted
And out of control
Relying on pokies
To help fill the hole


CHORUS
The thrill of the chase
Really lures you in
You stay there for hours
Just craving the win

That will never happen
Not with all these odds
You will keep on playing
Until you lose the lot


VERSE 3
You'll hit rock bottom
And then ask for help
It's you last chance
To save you from yourself

Have it been sooner
You may not be a mess
Instead here you are
All sad and depressed


CHORUS
The thrill of the chase
Really lures you in
You stay there for hours
Just craving the win

That will never happen
Not with all these odds
You will keep on playing
Until you lose the lot


ENDING
It's never too late
To turn things around
All you need to do
Is make a sound

If you want to gamble
Set a limit
Show self-control
Make sure you stick to it

Thrill Of The Chase

Customers often mishear what I say to them at work.  One such example is when they want me to slice bread for them, and I ask them if they would like it thin or thick slicked?  They often ask me to repeat myself several times, because they do not hear or understand what I have said.  I feel like I say thin or thick so much, that I could make a rap out of it and I probably should!  Since the words thin and thick sound similar, I replace them with sandwich and toast respectively relating to the thickness of the slices.  Sometimes they still don't get it, so then I have to go on to the shop floor and show them what I mean.  Other times, they will respond with "medium."  Um, there are other two thicknesses that we can slice the bread for you!  As for the song's title, Vincent Twice is a character on the children's show Sesame Street, and is a parody of the American actor called Vincent Price.  The Sesame Street character's trademark was saying his name twice in succession, and this is reflected in the song's chorus.  As I brainstormed for this week's theme, I got to thinking about songs in English that are recorded in foreign languages for the overseas market.  The Beatles released two of their songs in the German language, one of them being "I Want To Hold Your Hand."  The German lyrics, when translated back into English, are actually completely different to how the Beatles originally wrote the song!  One of their biggest hits became "Komm Gib Mir Deine Hand" which translates as "Come Give Me Your Hand."  My submission for this week's theme uses a chord progression based on "I Want To Hold Your Hand."


VERSE 1
Would you like your loaf of bread
Thin or thick sliced
I have to ask this several times
Until you hear it right

This goes on throughout the week
And it gives me the gripes
I often wonder to myself
Is my name Vincent Twice?


CHORUS
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Always repeats himself
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Does this guy need help?

He's a work of fiction
Who says things more than once
If only he were listened to
He would not feel like such a dunce


VERSE 2
The product is found in Aisle 2
I tell the customers
They don't hear what I have said
To them I'm just a blur

I feel like I must talk so weird
Whatever I do is no dice
I often wonder to myself
Is my name Vincent Twice?


CHORUS
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Always repeats himself
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Does this guy need help?

He's a work of fiction
Who says things more than once
If only he were listened to
He would not feel like such a dunce


BRIDGE
It's mostly those with accents
Who don't hear what I say
I shouldn't be too hard on them
But i feel so dismayed

I'll just keep serving customers
And always being polite
Then it will not feel like
My name is Vincent Twice


CHORUS
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Always repeats himself
Vincent Twice, Vincent Twice
Does this guy need help?

He's a work of fiction
Who says things more than once
If only he were listened to
He would not feel like such a dunce

Vincent Twice

Earlier this week, I performed at the New Farm Bowls Club for the first time.  It was part of their weekly event called The Bug, which is the Brisbane Unplugged Folk/Acoustic Music Night.  I made it on to the open mic board, and I had a really fun time!  One of the feature acts that evening was called The Salty Sirens, which is made up of two women dressed as pirates.  Their shows largely consist of sea shanties, and other rollicking numbers to do with the pirate theme.  The songs are often cheeky and suggestive in nature, with plenty of adult themes, some innuendo and salty language as well.  They were joined by an ensemble group called The Shanty Choir, who were all dressed up as cabin boys, crew members and wenches too.  It was a really fun night, and they treated the venue as a pirate ship.  I had seen The Salty Sirens on only one occasion previously, and on that occasion they were joined by a band called The Irate Pirates.  One of my friends played drums in this band actually, and is often called upon to lend a hand when needed.  The Salty Sirens hold monthly "Shanty Club" gigs, and I'm always hoping to get along to more of these.  The chord progression for my song is based on that of the traditional sea shanty "What Shall We Do With The Drunken Sailor."  Which is quite appropriate, if you ask me!


VERSE 1
I went to a concert
The other night
Where seven seas were sailed

On stage were two women
Dressed to the nines
This show would go on without fail

Ahoy there mateys
They said to the crowd
We welcome you warmly aboard

We'll all gathered here
To make beautiful sounds
At that point, the audience soared


CHORUS
They are the Salty Sirens
Singing songs of the sea
Their cheeky cheerful tunes
Will fill you with glee


VERSE 2
Sometimes they're joined
By a group of fine folks
Who make up the Shanty Choir

Crew members, cabin boys
Wenches as well
Their antics will make you smile

They all take their turn
With telling a tale
And then they will break into song

The crowd is in raptures
It's just so much fun
They're encouraged to sing right along


CHORUS
They are the Salty Sirens
Singing songs of the sea
Their cheeky cheerful tunes
Will fill you with glee


VERSE 3
Shiver me timbers
Planks will be walked
Parrots may sit on your shoulders

The music will take you
Back to the past
To bygone times that were older

The songs all sound fresh
With a modern-day twist
That can be rather extreme

It's all in good fun though
So don't be put off 
If you find any adult themes


CHORUS
They are the Salty Sirens
Singing songs of the sea
Their cheeky cheerful tunes
Will fill you with glee

The Salty Sirens

For this week's theme, I chose three of my least favourite dances and mentioned what I dislike about them.  I first heard of the Nutbush back in primary school, and that is where it became insanely popular!  This dance is named after the Tina Turner song "Nutbush City Limits" and only seems to be performed in Australia!  Strangely enough, there is a similar dance called the "Alley Cat" which is set to a different song and is more well-known in America.  The Macarena took over the schoolyard during my teenage years, with its dance moves having seemingly nothing to do with the song's lyrics which were mostly in Spanish.  As for Gangnam Style, it was another global phenomenon which also came with its signature dance moves.  I refused to take part in any of these dances.  As for my song's title, it refers to a friend of mine who is a musician and one of her nicknames is "Miss Melie Worm."  She likes to do a little dance whenever there's music playing, where she moves her arms up and down in front of her and also out to the sides.  I always wondered exactly what "The Melie Worm" is, and now I know!  My chord progression is loosely based on the one used in the song "Wiggerly Woo" from the Australian children's TV show Play School.


VERSE 1
I don't like the Nutbush
Because it is so lame
Steps and kicks and jumps and claps
Oh who thought up this game?

It's mostly done at weddings
And graduations too
It just makes no sense to me
I know what we should do


CHORUS
Let's all dance the Melie Worm
This is how it's done
You move your arms up and down
It is so much fun

They can be in front of you
Or both out to the sides
Do this at your next party
Your guests will be surprised


VERSE 2
I hate the Macarena dance
With all its sexy moves
Children have been doing this
And getting in the groove

I always choose to sit it out
Whenever this song comes on
I can think of better moves
For you to follow along


CHORUS
Let's all dance the Melie Worm
This is how it's done
You move your arms up and down
It is so much fun

They can be in front of you
Or both out to the sides
Do this at your next party
Your guests will be surprised


VERSE 3
What is up with Gangnam Style
You're looking like a horse
It became a viral smash
And people said of course

Silly moves will make me groan
I guess they're all like this
There's one dance in particular
That you don't want to miss


CHORUS
Let's all dance the Melie Worm
This is how it's done
You move your arms up and down
It is so much fun

They can be in front of you
Or both out to the sides
Do this at your next party
Your guests will be surprised

The Melie Worm

I wrote a song about one of my music friends, Nathan Eggins, in a previous term for I Heart Songwriting Club.  It was called "Conspiracy Of One", because that's the name he chose for himself as an artist.  It's also his favourite album by The Offpsring, but his music could not be more different to that of the American punk outfit!  I performed "Conspiracy Of One" for Nathan at an open mic event earlier this year, and he was both flattered and honoured all in one!  We had agreed to co-write a song late last year, but the hardest part was finding the time to do so.  He was busy touring to launch his latest album at the time, and unfortunately I missed out on going to of those gigs.  Eventually Nathan and I decided on a date and time that we would follow up on down the track.  He also said that he wanted more experience co-writing online than in person.  So we started out on Zoom, but we had all sorts of issues with the audio and not being able to hear each other.  In the end, we switched over to Facebook Messenger which worked so much better for us!

Our co-written song took us two online sessions to complete this demo.  I suggested that we write it in a reggae style, which is a genre that he had never tackled before.  I had written a few reggae songs before, so it was a really good challenge to take on a more stripped-back approach to this type of music.  We both collaborated on the lyrics, while he played acoustic guitars and sang.  I think I also offered assistance on the chord progression as well, and it all came together really nicely.  As for the song's lyrical content, it was one of those extremely hot summer days when we wrote this.  As such, I suggested we write to the theme Heat.  The first verse is about being a child in a playground, while the second verse is about being stuck in a day job.  There's a metaphor about life being a playground, and you could say the whole song is a coming of age story about growing up and realising the responsibilities of life.  You don't stay young forever, even if life may seem like a playground at times!  Nathan and I are both so proud of how this song turned out, and it would be nice to write with him again in future.


VERSE 1
It was a hot hot day
What a day to be in the shade
But there I was in the sun baking like a souffle

I should’ve stayed inside
But I had to go on the slide
When I reached the bottom I found that my bottom was fried
(Ow!)


PRE-CHORUS
If life’s a playground, then why was I stung?
If life's a playground, why can’t I stay young?


CHORUS 1
Roundabouts and swings
Ups and downs to everything
It was all fun and games, 
No such thing as shame

And when I heard the school bell ring 
I should have known what life would bring
Instead I chose to do my own thing


VERSE 2
Now I’m a drone in a hive
With too many files on my drive 
I’m doing what I can just trying to survive

Will I be in this job forever
Me and my colleagues together
We feel like we’re at the end of our tether


PRE-CHORUS
If life’s a playground, then why am I stuck?
If life's a playground, why am I in a rut?


CHORUS 2
Roundabouts and swings
Ups and downs to everything
It’s not all fun and games
I often feel the shame

As I work hard for the king
I’m still waiting for that bell to ring
For the next part of my life to begin


SOLO


CHORUS 3
Roundabouts and swings
Ups and downs to everything
I’ve had some fun and games
And grown out of shame

And when the church bell rings
The nice box they’ve laid me in
Will be a place to contemplate everything

Roundabouts & Swings (co-written with Nathan Eggins)

My very first thought for this week's theme was the song "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" by The Proclaimers, but that didn't end up leading me anywhere useful.  I then realised that Francesca, along with many other founding members, will be writing their 500th song in I Heart Songwriting Club!  The words "Happy 500th" came to mind, and that could be taken to mean well-wishes for 500 songs or maybe even for someone who's celebrating their 500th birthday!  That last idea may be a tad far-fetched, so I decided not to go down that path.  Then I started thinking about the sport of cricket, and so that's how I came up with the song's title.  I have tried to use aspects of cricket as metaphors for writing songs in the Club, and I think I may have had a successful innings here!  It was a real Test for me, and I felt relieved when I called stumps on this one.  For the record, former West Indies cricketer Brian Lara actually did score 501 not out in a first-class county match in England back in 1994.  The chord progression for this song is loosely based on Channel 9's iconic theme song for its cricket coverage when it had the television broadcast rights to the sport for some 40-odd years!


VERSE 1
You walk up to the crease 
To face the first delivery
It's a long road ahead

Unless you're given out
Off the opening ball
It's every batter's dread

A swing and a miss
But it's called a wide
An extra run to your score

You're about to face
A barrage of bouncers
How much can you endure


VERSE 2
The next one comes
From around the wicket
To try and put a spin on things

What's meant to be a yorker
Is actually a wrong 'un
And then you hit it for six

All of a sudden
It's the middle of the innings
Whoa, you're halfway there

When it comes time
For you to bat again
You won't be livin' on a pair


VERSE 3
If you keep this up
You'll make a new record
No-one's done this before

If you stay motivated
And your mind on the job
You'know what will be in store

Don't go throwing 
Wickets away
Make sure you use your brain

Work with your partner
At the other end
And then you'll win the game


CHORUS
Howzat!  You've made it
Five hundred not out
You must feel oh so proud

This deserves to be
Shouted from the stands
Go sing the team song out loud


CHORUS
Howzat!  You've made it
Five hundred not out
You must feel oh so proud

This deserves to be
Shouted from the stands
Go sing the team song out loud

500 Not Out

Much like with most other weeks in the Club, my thought process varied rapidly as I pondered what to write about.  The obvious was the first that came to mind, being waves on the beach.  Then came the act of waving hello and goodbye, but that had already been done some 50-odd years ago!.  A homonym of wave, being "waive", was also an option but I decided not to go down this path.  Should I make this song about surfing?  Well not in the traditional sense anyway, but maybe the kind that involves computers.  That brought me to the idea of making WAVs, which are uncompressed sound files that are saved whenever you record audio either on a desktop or laptop machine.  I have always been into computer-based music, having had experience with it for at least 25 years.  It made perfect sense to me to write a song about it.  I experimented with loops and samples fairly early on in my deep dive into this kind of music, having been heavily inspired by the likes of Moby and Fatboy Slim who used a lot of both of these in their songs.  In saying that though, loops and samples were not used in the creation of my submission for this week.  On the subject of surfing, the chord progression of my song is based on the one used in the hit "Surfin' USA" by The beach Boys.  


VERSE 1
You open up your DAW
And start a new file
If you put the effort in
You'll be here for a while

The hours pass by oh so quick
But all you do is smile
You're fully in the zone now
This track's a real vibe


CHORUS 1
When you're recording audio
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save

When you're recording audio
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save


VERSE 2
A guy told me I suck
And he wants my internet
It was a decision
That he'd like to forget

I took his voice and looped it
Then it became a song
I made the whole thing last
Over three minutes long


CHORUS
When you recording vocal takes
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save

When you recording instruments
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save


VERSE 3
When you're finished for the day
Make sure to back it up
I use online storage
To archive all my stuff

External drives can work as well
But they are prone to fail
To me it's just not worth 
All the drama it entails


CHORUS
When you're recording digital
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save

When you're recording digital
You are making WAVs
Just in case of a crash
Please don't forget to save

Making WAVs

This was written and recorded in November 2004 using FL Studio.  In my opinion, it's the best completely original work that I have created.  The song is basically about the act of writing songs.  

Let's Write About It

This song is basically describing the video game "Fire Attack", which appeared as part of the Nintendo Game & Watch handheld device series back in the 1980s.  You play as the main character who is desperately trying to protect his house from other men carrying flaming torches.  IF one of these torch-bearers reaches the house and sets it alight, you lose one of your three lives.  To stop these attacks, you have a mallet which you use to hit the men just as they approach the house.  The game starts off slowly, but gradually increases speed as you progress.  As far as I know, this is one of those games that keeps going until you lose all your lives.  I used to own it as a child, and it was one of my favourites in this series of games.  I have also sampled the sound from the game itself, and used it as percussion to make a rather nice beat.  A music friend of mine named Jaylee wrote a song called "Flame", and that's what I'm loosely basing my song's chord progression on.  


VERSE 1
Your home is under siege
You are weak at the knees
Everything you know is up in flames

This is a scary time
The whole scene is a crime
It will be a hard one to explain

Loosely attired
They carry sticks of fire
Right up to your front door

They'll keep doing this
Until you start to miss
Then you can't take anymore


CHORUS
This is a fire attack
You'd better watch your back
Just keep your wits about
No need to scream and shout

FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!


VERSE 2
It's good that you're armed
This will work a charm
As you try to stop them in their tracks

If you are not fast
There's no way you will last
You can not afford to be slack

If you lose a life
Do not start to gripe
You have another two in play

There is no giving up
You want to come up trumps
Don't let them have the final say


CHORUS
This is a fire attack
You'd better watch your back
Just keep your wits about
No need to scream and shout

FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!
FIRE ATTACK!  FIRE ATTACK!


VERSE 3
This may be a game
Dancing in the flames
But what if it would happen for real

You must act on the double
Before things turn to rubble
Just imagine how you would feel

You should call triple-0
As they are in the know
And they will sort out this mess

The firies and cops
Will make sure they stop
There's a warrant for their arrest


ENDING
Lock them away
For the rest of their days
So they won't cause any more pain

Amidst all the chatter
It's your safety that matters
Because this ain't no game

Lock them away
For the rest of their days
So they won't cause any more pain

Amidst all the chatter
It's your safety that matters
Because this ain't no game

Fire Attack

My very first thought for this week's theme was Pancakes!  Many of you are probably wondering what on Earth do these have to do with Heirloom?  Well my Nanna had an old exercise book when she was younger, and this is where she wrote various recipes that she had created herself.  Yes, she did have her own amateur cookbook!  One of these recipes was for pancakes, and I guess most people would think of them as crepes becasue they are usually big and thin.  Nanna passed on this recipe to Mum, and we'd enjoy these pancakes every so often growing up.  Mum then passed on the recipe to her children, so now my brother and I make them on occasion as well!  Fo the record, I prefer my pancakes topped with butter and lots of it!  It's not the healthiest meal out there, but it's defintiely a treat!  For my song's chord progression, I'm basing it on two other songs.  The first one is about making pancakes and was on the TV show Play School.  The other one is called "Western Star", by an emerging artist named Ella Hartwig.  I find this somewhat amusing, because Western Star is also the brand of butter that I use on my pancakes!  I reference this in the opening verse of my song, while the "Western Star" that Ella sings about has to do with trucks in far north Queensland.


VERSE 1
Some put them in a toaster
Others fry them in a pan
Topped with cheese and sugar
I am a massive fan

I also love to have mine spread
With a bit of Western Star
I'm talking about the butter
And not big rigs from afar


CHORUS
Pancakes come in many forms
You can have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day

Pancakes come in many forms
You can have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day


VERSE 2
Some buy them in a packet
Or in a bottle as a mix
You need to shake it first
And that will do the trick

Nanna made her own method
And passed it down to Mum
We have them at Christmas time
And they are oh so yum


CHORUS
Pancakes come in many forms
You have have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day

Pancakes come in many forms
You can have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day


VERSE 3
Some go out for breakfast
And have them stacked up high
That's all you're gonna need
And nobody can deny

You can choose your flavour
Such as sweet or savoury
But as far as I'm concerned
Nothing beats Nanna's recipe


CHORUS
Pancakes come in many forms
You have have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day

Pancakes come in many forms
You can have them any way
Whenever they're on my plate
They always make my day

Pancakes

Back in June of 2005, I travelled to the United States of America for three and a half weeks with family.  While there we saw Los Angeles, San Francisco, Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon.  I was the "man of honour" at my sister's wedding in Las Vegas!  The whole trip was wonderful and a real eye-opener, given it was my first time overseas!  I was very much an avid songwriter back then as well, having penned several lots of lyrics while abroad!  I had a little notepad and a pen with me when inspiration struck!  Early one morning in a hotel where we were staying, I suddenly woke up and went to the toilet.  I did not utilise the facilities in the usual way, however.  I took my notepad and pen in there, and started writing lyrics for a song about a friend of mine!  I think I pretty much finished the lyrical content of the song, and I had ideas for chords and melody which would be worked on more upon my return to Australia.  It never happened though, well not for that particular song anyway.  For thsoe who don't know, John is a slang term for toilet.  While Googling why this is the case, I found out the first flushing toilet was invented by a fellow named Sir John Harrington.  My chord progression is based on the one used in the song "Dear John" by Sam Buckingham, which is from the album of the same name.  Rather than following the guideline of only using my voice, I decided to use some "voice" sounds on my various keyboards instead.  This song is different to the one I started writing "on the John" back in 2005.


VERSE 1
I woke up at 3am
To use the lavatory
How was I meant to know
What would come out of me

Would it be a number one
Or a sample of stool
It was something else
That I thought was really cool


CHORUS
I wrote a song on the John
Who would have thought
I knew my time there
Would not count for nought


VERSE 2
Lyrics flowed on to the page
As I went about my thing
I had a melody in my head
I attempted not to sing

I did not want to awaken those
Asleep in the next room
I kept it down to a dull roar
Well that's what I assumed


CHORUS
I wrote a song on the John
Who would have thought
I knew my time there
Would not count for nought


VERSE 3
I went to bed so satisfied
With what I had achieved
It was neither a one nor two
But what I call number three

I dreamt about this piece of work
My mind was full of glee
But I could not record it
In the land of the free


CHORUS
I wrote a song on the John
Who would have thought
I knew my time there
Would not count for nought


CHORUS
A song on the John
Who would have thought
I knew my time there
Would not count for nought

A Song On The John

I started writing this song in 2005. I had heaps of ideas while I was holidaying in the United States for three and a half weeks. This one is about my brother-in-law, who married my sister while we were overseas. The lyrics were completed once I had arrived back in Australia, and the first recording of this song wasn't done until ten years later in 2015!  I decided to write it in an Elvis Presley style, but I chose not to imitate the voice of "The King". There were also no swivelling of hips whatsoever, while puttng this song together.  Unfortunately though, the 2015 version of the song sounded way too similar to Elvis's "All Shook Up."  Fast forward to the present day in 2024, and only now have I managed to create a version that removes all similarities to Elvis's hit.  One could say that my song submission for this week has been a good 19 years in the making!


VERSE 1
Well Raimond was peeing on the side of the road by his car
It was obvious that he was not gonna get very far
Then Sally came along, she just walked on by
She said "Raimond, please zip up your fly"
He said "No way, as I still have a fair way to go"


VERSE 2
"Could you respect my privacy, please go and stand over there
He said "I know we're married but y'see I'm pullin' out my hair
Sometimes I just need some time on my own
So go buy yourself a nice ice cream cone
And meet me right back here in an hour or two"


CHORUS
My name is Raimond Beaumont, oh
I really like the sound of my name, oh
My first name rhymes with my last name
So there, my name's Raimond Beaumont

My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont


VERSE 3
Well Raimond was driving to the bar to watch Formula One
He loves watching Schumacher win because it's so much fun
Then Sally came along, she walked up to him
She said "Raimond, do you fancy a swim"
He said "No thanks, as I just got myself a Heineken"


VERSE 4
"Y'see the thing with these drivers is that when they need to pee
They just don't do it by the side of the road like me
They have to hold it in so they piss their pants
Which means they won't be gettin' any romance
From the champagne girls on the podium after the race


BRIDGE
My name is Raimond Beaumont, oh
And Alan is my brother-in-law, oh
He wrote a funny song about me
And now guess what, I need to pee

My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont


CHORUS
My name is Raimond Beaumont, oh
I really like the sound of my name, oh
My first name rhymes with my last name
So there, my name's Raimond Beaumont

My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont
My name's Raimond Beaumont

Raimond Beaumont

Miss Elm is a "ukelady" (a lady who plays ukelele) and a former member of I Heart Songwriting Club.  This is where I initially heard of her, and later on I found out that we had mutual friends within the local music scene.  Our paths crossed in person at the launch of her single "Pippi Long" in 2021, and I've pretty much been hooked ever since!  She has such a sweet voice, and her skills on the ukelele are exemplary!  Not only has she played shows all around Australia, but she is also a music teacher for voice and ukelele.  She even ran a group called "The Ukelele Rockers" for a period of time, but these days her focus is mainly on self-care and healing.  This has become a real passion of hers, and can be found online as "The Expression Atelier."  She particularly loves what's known as sound bowl healing, with the shrill tones and frequencies putting you in a calm and relaxed state.  I've actually experienced this myself during BIGSOUND last year, and I came away from that with my mind totally at ease.  For my song submission this week, I'm basing my chord progression two songs by Miss Elm which are called "Clean Slate" and "Pippi Long."  My song's title is a reference to a Bettle Midler album, which was entitled "The Divine Miss M."


VERSE 1
I know of a lady
Who plays the ukelele
She teaches others too
Which is a real beaut

We first met in person
At a single launch
Back then I was amazed
At how she is so staunch


PRE-CHORUS
She said I'd be up
On stage one day
Take a look at me now
And how true that became


CHORUS 1
As the divine Miss Elm
She has released music
With such an honest voice
And knows just how to use it

Combined with strong words
And little instruments
She is a real force
And success is imminent


VERSE 2
She's is into self-care
In such a big way
It's one of her main passions
And it really makes her day

She works with several sound bowls
Which get stuck in your head
They fill you with a lot of calm
And so much less dread


PRE-CHORUS
I lay down at BIGSOUND
While hearing all their tones
I felt so relaxed
With less stress in my bones


CHORUS 2
As The Expression Atelier
She is prepared to heal
She's so full of empathy
And knows just how they feel

She helps so many people
Find their own voice
To journey with her
Is a very wise choice


VERSE 3
She says I'm an ambivert
How accurate this is
I could talk for hours
About the music biz

She's so down to earth
With a calming demeanour
People flock to her
And they couldn't be keener


PRE-CHORUS
I'm so glad that we have met
And get along so well
When will our paths cross again
Only time will tell


CHORUS 1
As the divine Miss Elm
She has released music
With such an honest voice
And knows just how to use it

Combined with strong words
And little instruments
She's a real force
And success is imminent


CHORUS 2
As The Expression Atelier
She is prepared to heal
She's so full of empathy
And knows just how they feel

She helps so many people
Find their own voice
To journey with her
Is a very wise choice

The Divine Miss Elm

This is an original song that I started writing in 2005.  I had heaps of ideas while I was holidaying in the United States for three and a half weeks.  This one is about my brother-in-law, who married my sister while we were overseas.  The lyrics were completed once I had arrived back in Australia, but only now have I had the chance to record it.  I decided to write the song in an Elvis Presley style, but I decided not to imitate the voice of "The King".  There were also no swivelling of hips whatsoever, while making this recording.

Raimond Beaumont (All Shook Up Version)

This is an original song, written about one of my great friends from BandHub.  The idea for this came about after I made a comment on a Meg Myers collab (of all things!).  Suzi Uzi saw this and replied "that sounds like my theme song".  From there, the seeds were sown for this catchy number and it's now completed four months later.  I initially played some chords on the piano, not knowing what the song would be about.  I liked the progression so much that I rushed to my computer to record it into FL Studio.  Everything kind of fell into place from there, and results in what you're hearing right now.

LYRICS

VERSE 1
She's born and raised in Chicago
She may have stayed at Trivago
She'll tell the world that she loves you
Her surname backwards is Izu

She doesn't care for Thanksgiving
She's too busy making a living
Doing things that she does best
She carries ink under her chest

CHORUS 
She'll Start a religion, calling it MASE
Singing Sublime while stoned off your face
Throwing those bull horns all over the place
She's so cool because she wears belly shirts in winter

She wears belly shirts in winter
She wears belly shirts in winter
She wears belly shirts in winter

VERSE 2
Perhaps she should've been a chef
She cares more for a treble clef
With bass and drums and lead guitar
She's on her way to being a star

Black Road's the band that she has formed
With great friends from an old school dorm
They gig their way all over the state
Even when a band member shows up late

CHORUS

She wears belly shirts in winter

VERSE 3
We first met on BandHub, became very close
Our convos initially were rather verbose
Until we got busy and life intervened
She, like my brother, wears skin-tight jeans

She's also bilingual, and so por favor
I wish I could say to her ¡Eres el mejor!
She is the duck's nuts, yeah she's the best
She may not agree, but then I digress

CHORUS

She wears belly shirts in winter
She wears belly shirts in winter


Belly Shirts In Winter

Protis has been writing music since 1998, when he was still in high school. The name Protis came about from watching the TV show Pokemon; his original name was Piggy, and just how Pikachu evolves into Raichu, well he decided that Piggy would evolve into Protis. The name has stuck ever since then.

Protis is a big fan of computer-based music.  The first computer program he used for music purposes was Cubase Lite on good ol' Windows 3.1 operating system.  Over the years he moved on to Cubast VST, where he further developed his skills as a songwriter.  Most of his early recordings were instrumental works, as at the time he was unable to compose decent lyrics.

After a while, Protis decided to leave the realm of General MIDI and progress into the world of loops and samples.  He accomplished this by using the ACID range of products.  Countless hours were spent with this brilliant piece of software, coming up with lots of cool beats.

Protis has also dabbled in the FruityLoops software, now called FL Studio.  He utilised FL Studio to write songs which contained his first self-penned lyrics.  He was surprised at just how well his lyrics came across in each song, fitting in well with the music.  And all this from someone who could never write words to his songs!

Protis

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