"he's lanky and weird but he sure knows the right words to say" a little transparent there Shane

puppet history

So this Christmas
You wanna get em
Somethin sweet and sentimental

Aren’t you precious
And so thoughtful
So very nice

But lemme pitch you this
Instead of worthless shit
Maybe take the hit
And dip
Into those savings for a little
somethin priceeeeyyyyyyy

Gucci, Rolex, Tiffany
A rare illegal foreign cheese
I’ll buy you shit that’ll make you scream
Make your real life feel like a holiday dream

You want a yacht okay why not
A taxidermied ocelot
Armani, Prada, and Dior
Anything you want, I’ll wrap it up, it’s yours

This Christmas! Gonna spend every DIME
Because the finest gifts are
ONE YOU FIND ON A SHELF

This Christmas! Ain’t wasting my TIME
Tryin to read your mind and make you something myself

(Wailing)
This Christmaaaaaas!

This Christmaaaaaas!

Love on a Shelf

Well the winter snow’s-a-fallin and you know your friends are all expecting
gifts oh so unique
And you really better nail it, cause you know that you’ll have failed em if
They’re not knocked off their feet 

You can get em comfy slippers, seasons tickets to the Clippers
A kazoo for playin jolly little tunes
Some nova lox or wooly socks, fancy chocolates in a box
A funny shirt they’ll prolly throw away by June

But if you wanna get em something cool and hip and new
PSST
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified goose!

Can you imagine how they’ll clap
After they tear away the wrapping
And lay eyes upon an ancient dusty bird

Some hollow bones, their very own
to grace a mantle in their home
If I might say, pretty impressively preserved

So listen, hey, this holiday,
I’m not sure what else I can say
But if you really wanna throw em for a loop

You find a goose that went kaputt
Ya wrap it up from beak to foot
And you give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
GOOSE
(honk)

Mummified Goose

I used to spend my holidays alone
An anthropomorphic oar, pretty bored
Sittin inside of his home, oh no

But then you met me, and I suggested we
Go on a little holiday trip, really quick
And we went down to the Bahamas for a dip
And we just kept going

Christmas can be every day
When you’re travelin' the world and you’re an oar and you’re gay
We ate tangerines in Tokyo
Then caught a flight to Borneo
And spent a day in Rekjavik
The hot dogs there were pretty sick

Every trip ya take is a gift
When you love the livin' hell out of the one that you’re with
We’ve been to Bangalore
and BogoTA
Had onion rings in Omaha

Got high as hell in Amsterdam
And ate up all our Christmas ham

God damn that was a damn good ham

And now the future that we make is our own
Close your eyes and throw a dart at the map, and that’s that,
Off to destinations unknown
I hope wherever we go has more ham

Travelin’s such a wonderful ride
But it’d be a drag without you here at my side
Why don’t we stop for brunch in Saskatoon
Namibia to see some dunes
Chicago just to peep the bean
And also bone beneath the bean

Antarctica if we’ve got time
I hear that France has decent wine
To London when the tea is served
And maybe skip St. Petersburg

Hey what’s the deal with Idaho?
Like should we bother? I dunno.
Singapore or Bora Bora?
Either, oar, cause I adore ya

Either Oar

Livin in France
Out in le country
A little more limited menu than you see in Paris

Got no filet mignon
Got no boeuf bourguignon
No bouillabaisse or creme brûlée or charcuterie

Ahh but when the pangs of hunger
howling in the gut grow stronger
Fangs come out and then I long to
MUNCH ON THE TERRIFIED FRENCH

French HEADS, I’m eatin’ em nightly
Bon apetite mon frère, no need to heat I’ll eat ‘em rare

French HEADS, season ‘em lightly
A bordelaise for Claire, a pinch of pepper on Pierre

HOWLS

Call me beast
Call me a monster
Just don’t call me late when a tasty young shepherd’s in the meadow alone

Go on and shame me
Ah but ya made me
It’s whatcha get when you’re hangin with a wolf in the quiet low valleys of the ecotone

Ahhh I realize it’s reckless
But this wolfy’s feeling peckish
If you don’t protect your neck it’s
CHOMP CHOMP AU REVOIR! Ha ha ha ha

French heads, they’re oh so yummy
Paprika dusted on Denis, a side of skewered Genevieve

French heads, in my tummy
As for below the neck, no thanks
I’m good
I’ll take the check PLEASE

French Heads

The song that plays at the Professor's funeral

Puppet History - The Professor's History (Funeral Song)

Hologram Professor Song - Puppet History

Window Song - Puppet History Season 5

Cloud Song - Puppet History Season 5

Cupid Song - Puppet History Season 6

You fold your arms like you’re holdin’ in thunder,
Eyes stuck on the floor like it might say somethin’.
I pour a drink just to hear the ice clatter—
That sound’s been louder than us lately.
We’re standin’ still but the silence is movin’,
Like there’s a fight in the room nobody’s choosin’.
I reach for your hand, you fake a smile,
It’s been like this for a while…
And I’d rather break than bend,
Say the words and let the hurt begin—
Than sit here sinkin’ in—
We keep sayin’ nothin’… but it’s screamin’ loud,
Like a goodbye dress in a suitcase now.
We’re shufflin’ hearts like cards on the table,
We’re shufflin’ hearts like cards on the table,
Both too scared to lay ‘em down.
We ain’t sayin’ the words, but they’re hangin’ there—
Like smoke in the kitchen, thick in the air.
If love’s still here, it ain’t stayin’…
In all the things… we ain’t sayin’.
You pull your sleeve like you’re fixin’ not to feel it,
I make a joke we both know ain’t real.
Clock ticks slow like it’s beggin’ for mercy…
Ain’t just the walls that are hurtin’.
And maybe love don’t always shout—
But silence?
That’s how it drowns.
We keep sayin’ nothin’… but it’s screamin’ loud,
Like a goodbye dress in a suitcase now.
We’re shufflin’ hearts like cards on the table,
Both too scared to lay ‘em down.
We ain’t sayin’ the words, but they’re hangin’ there—
Like smoke in the kitchen, thick in the air.
If love’s still here, it ain’t stayin’…
In all the things… we ain’t sayin’.

What We Ain't Sayin'

Angels Are Real   
(Marvin Shelton-ASCAP)


Verse 1
Just past the midnight hour
I'm saying a prayer under the water tower
Out on the edge of town
I know your daddy's probably sitting on the front porch with the light on
But I don't wanna take you home
Just let me look at you
You're just too good to be true

Chorus
Girl I wanna know more of you
I don't wanna let go of you
Who knew heaven was at the end of Main Street
I just took a left when I got to the old oak tree
you're sitting next to me, holding my hand in my '89 Chevy
Moonlight glowing on you through the windshield
You're the answer to my prayers, angels are real

Verse 2
I never thought that I could have a spiritual awakening
But girl that's where you're taking me, oh
Just let me hold you
Oh make my dreams come  true


Chorus
Girl I wanna know more of you
I don't wanna let go of you
Who knew heaven was at the end of Main Street
I just took a left when I got to the old oak tree
you're sitting next to me, holding my hand in my '89 Chevy
Moonlight glowing on you through the windshield
You're the answer to my prayers, angels are real

Bridge
Amen girl, hallelujah
Amen girl, hallelujah
Amen

Chorus
I think I want no more of you
And I ain't ever letting go of you
I found heaven at the end of Main Street
I just took a left when I got to the old oak tree
And you're sitting next to me, holding my hand in my '89 Chevy
Falling in love out by the hayfield
And I can't hide how I feel
Moonlight glowing on you through the windshield
You're the answer to my prayers, angels are real

Angels Are Real

Choo choo
I'm a train!
Choo choo
This is the song I sing!
Choo choo
All abooooooard!

Y’know it sucks to be a train
Luggin' normie losers through the cold and the rain
Same path, same track, same route
The monotony’s enough to make a choo choo POUT!

But then one day you catch a break
Gonna take a VIP to the Old Line State
Uh, who me? Yes you. But who?
Well I’ll tell you who-
The soon-to-be president of the
UUUUUUnited states.
They call him honest Abe.
He’s got a funny little beard
And he’s lanky and weird
But he sure knows just the words to say

But then some racist dipshits	
Took out a hit and chose to sit and wait-
For the man they call Abe
And robbed this lonely locomotive of a real exciting day

And then all of my choo choos
Turned into nothin but boohoos!

Boo hoo
Choo
Choo choo
Boo choo hoo hoo
Boo Hoo!
Choo boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
Choo choo hoo
Boo hoo
Choo choo

Chugga Chugga Boo Hoo

Pompeii, a beautiful day!
Check me chillin in a geological way
I’m Vesuvius,
Some say the grooviest
Volcano they know in the west coast bay

And excuse-a-me-ah, a but ya see-ah
I got a little case of planetary diarrhea
So uh oh-oh-oh! I’m gonna blow
Ashes up the asses of the masses below

I’m Mount Vesuvius!
And, look, I hate to do this
Just gonna bury yr town rq :(
But spewin’ goo’s my truth, sis :)

Apologies to the bay of Napoli
But I gotta lotta lava gotta get outta me
Well I’m hot and I’m quakin! And shakin geothermally
But it’s not to be taken! Please don’t take it personally!

Pompeii! If you’re feeling it! Shout it back!
Oh, okay, well, they’ve covered in ash. —   

I’m Mount Vesuvius
And, look, I hate to do this
Just gonna bury ur town rq :(
Cause spewin’ goo’s my truth, sis :)

And I’m sorry but I can’t control these grim volcanic urges
And I hate to cake your town beneath my pyroclastic surges
And you have to know that even Mother Nature gets the runs
This could all have been prevented with a million tons of Tums!

I Spew Goo

Hatshepsut
She was competent as hell
They tried to wipe her from the books
As far as we can tell

A pharaoh
You should know
She really held it down
Oh just because she kept the peace
She don’t deserve renown?

Hatshepsut
Oh you haven’t heard?
She stepped up and ruled Egypt
And raised Thutmose the Third

A queen
A king
Depends which glyphs you’ve seen
But by and large
She sure took charge
And really nailed the thing

Hatshepsut
A funny claim to fame?
Her husband, dad, and kinda son
They all had the same name!

A pharaoh
Who narrowly
Missed her chance to rule
But luckily the king-to-be
Was tied up with pre-school

Hatshepsut
If you’re still asking whom?
Just show’s a pharaoh’s greatness
Can’t be measured by their tomb

A queen supreme!
Yet surreptitiously interred
I should know, me and my bro
Were mummified with her

Hatshepsut!
Commit the name to memory
Because you see, regrettably
She happens to be dead and we
Can help her out enormously
Particularly spiritually
If every now and the-ish we
Could toss a kindly thought to she
Who nearly became history
Not via Egyptology
But lost for all eternity
Erased though it’s a mystery
Why anyone would possibly
Resort to such vile treachery
And so it’s with respect that we
Remember on occasion
She kicked ass.

Hatshepsut

We were in love once
Oar, weren’t we?
Dipped into the sea
Just you and me
Wading in harmony

We were were in love once
Oar weren’t we
But now I’m a sword you see
Me and Musashi
Boy we make ‘em bleed

I long for the days our heads dunked under waves
How we splashed and we smooched , oh remember?

Well now I’m a blade and the one thing I crave
Is to slash and to swoosh and dismember

We’re meant to be, Oar
Or are we?

Now this samurai’s cuttin me/you down to size
We must be denser than wood to not realize

We just can’t be, Oar
Or can we?

It’s pretty clear to me, you’d rather be weaponry
You’re spillin’ gore on the shore and I’m lost at sea

Chugga Chugga Boo Hoo

Puppet History

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MummifiedGoose

grace

WolfDemon- Sterling

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