This was updated! I hope you enjoy the update! 

This song is about my sister and brother and the abusive father we grew up with as siblings. How his destructive rage and anger created discourse for each of us in different ways in our lives. And the regrets I held on to for a long time growing up about leaving my family to do my own choices. Something I heavily punished myself for years and years. The regret of diving into my own anger from what happened with my dad and how life had dealt a terrible hand. That anger consumed me and I left to live in Portland away from my family because I felt like I was toxic everywhere I walked. 

This is the second half to this song being mainly about my sister, the half you haven't seen yet will be about my brother. When the second half is done I will update more about it, thank you for your patience. 


Intro verse

All these evil men
How can we learn to trust
Not just them, any others that bring the problems
On this wheel of life, devil's fuckin' signin' deals, we needed angels
So badly
Sis, you beat so much, fought cripplin' fears, you have so much courage believe it
We livin' bright futures, the hope you buildin' blocks smilin' even with ole' father time loomin' by you still healed-em.
Heart of family, 
Sis we need you,
You bring hope breakin' methods
No hold on us, got no marks, old days, angry lost trash, rippin' journals, thrown away
Police records show how he beat us
Pages of how I failed my sis and mother
I regret it , felt like I had to run or I'd explode from rage, leave ya both in cinders
Gone one week, he's so weak, my vacation left you bruised in tears.
Spring break away from fears
Came back, clutched knife, downstairs couch, ready to see him
But he never came back, the broken bastard didn't want a fair fight, rematch trained for years 
Knuckles white smashin' trees bloody crimson, for days I wasn't there to save ya

Chorus

I left you, I'm sorry
I left for selfish problems
I lost so much time....
I left because I wasn't (strong)...
I left you, I'm sorry
I left for selfish problems
I lost so much time....
I left because I wasn't (strong)...

Ending Verse

So happy to have ya back in life
Make up bein' angry, 
Those early days at you, at everything, choices all made
You were figurin' it out, fightin' pains and survivin' history.
I was so angry at myself that I failed you. 
How I left you there to deal with that demon. 
Never gonna leave ya behind, believe it
Sister for life  and you showed me how to heal it, what I held for so long, that bitter angry hole of retribution. 
Peas in a pod had each other.
Created my own bubble, you both swam in pond, I sat outside the odd one.
So angry at life, I couldn't show you how much you mattered...
When I left home all I could think was how it'd be better
To not have this boilin' ragin' ball of fire burn burn away your love of life you gave

This love of life you gave...
Aahhhooohhh....
This love of life you gave...
This love of life you gave...
Aahhhooohhh....
This love of life you gave...
This love of life you gave...
Aahhhooohhh....
This love of life you gave...
This love of life you gave...
Aahhhooohhh....
This love of life you gave...

Lessons in Forgiveness

Peas In A Pod

This song is about a fateful day as a kid when I was 16 years old dealing with my dad coming home to his wrath and anger over a house that wasn't cleaned to its absolute perfection. As the song suggests it could have been anything, a smudge, a cereal box out of place, even just milk on the wrong shelf. This among other days was the examples of feelings and hurt we would have as he came home ready to unleash that anger he feels for himself on us.

There was many days of dealing with that feeling but on this one the song talks about, I fought back. I was terrified, scared, but knew I couldn't let him keep barraging us with hatred. So I think a thin zinc steel metal bar (the one that is colored white with holes in it) and smacked him on top of the head. And in the first moment where I finally had won a fight between us the monster was no more. And the despair and reality of what was lost became suddenly so real. 

Where I started and where I have gone are so far away, but remembering the past and how it made you is important. Much love, hope you enjoy.

Shit, he's comin' home
Gotta clean kitchen drawers
Cold fridge ice up for warmth
Another day at home
Angry dad on prowl
Siblings warned beast's out
Engine's revvin', lock the door
Put headphones in, waitin'
Clean shit he still, hatin'
That I'm not his model son
Just do what he wants 
Gasp for air gettin' choked
Sellin' cars hates his job
Burn flamin' sun TIME TO RUN!

Mice run from elephants
Try findin' safety net
But monster's out huntin'
Fillin' hungry empty pit
16 felt small take stand
Against wild beast dad
How'd I get trapped, in this house of sins.

Poachers they out there huntin' prey
Mice they runnin' fast into the shade
Hard escapin' monsters in bright day
Another scary game of hide and escape
Not upstairs
Not down scared
No escape
Flee free here
Run away
Find a safe space try to get the fuck away
Sad seeing my sisters tears my brother can't make sense of
Why we run fast find our safe space away from sun
That's the golden price
Messin' with palaces made from thin ice
Gotta break these gates and find real love

Mice run from elephants
Try findin' safety net
But monster's out huntin'
Fillin' hungry empty pit
16 felt small take stand
Against wild beast dad
How'd I get trapped, in this house of sins.

Shit, he's now at home
Comin' with hateful roar
'Bout specks on kitchen floor
Gotta get sis and bro
Ceramic tiles peaceful island
Lock the door things are fine
Stay in bathroom, lock it tight
I'll be back, turn off light
Solar fury, so bright
Jekyll gone, fight Hyde
Make a switch moon knight, lunar eclipse tonight
Doctor screams we fuck ups 
Crazed concoctions, beat us up
Not this time, I won't run
No sword for nights, just this club
Tell him stop or feel the rush
Throbbin' head or lost blood
But he kept pressin metal
Talkin' 'bout I how failed him
Years of pain snappin'
Zinc steel smacked him
Crimson splatters
Monster turned man, but I lost blood that mattered

Mice run from elephants
Try findin' safety net
But monster's out huntin'
Fillin' hungry empty pit
16 felt small take stand
Against wild beast dad
How'd I get trapped, in this house of sins

Hungry Monsters

When I was 30 I had broken up with someone I was with for 5 years. I had found out on the plane ride home from a trip we had together to Vegas that she was messaging about meeting someone on Tinder to meet up and have sex when we arrived back home. For the next year I was in a really dark place fighting against my own depression and using drugs and drinking to try and make myself feel any bit better I could. It felt like a year of my life that I had erased because of my deep sadness and blaming myself for more of how the relationship failed then what was fair to put on myself. 

But through this time I was able to learn a lot about myself and get to know the person that I am today and continuing to walk the path of being able to get to know myself more and more. And realizing the massive pressure and expectations I put on myself come from the way I grew up and never confronting those problems in the way I have learned today. This song is meant to be a perspective of what I felt in those moments, what I felt as I went through it, and where I am today. 

We are all human and by default we make mistakes. Learning to be able to let go has been one of the hardest lessons in my entire life, but the weight that comes from letting go is immense. I hope that this song can help give you that inspiration to persevere through the hard times. You still got tomorrow. 

Lyrics:

Verse 1
Contemplation meditation, times I broke her expectations
Of bein' a man, choices for the future, gotta plan it
Weight on shoulders, push up sadness pull up the playlist
We gonna build up mental muscles, gotta have it
Lift up bars on feelin' better, it's instrumental
Sound the sirens we got alarms, snoozed clock too long I'm in vibrato

Chorus 1 
Sometime's your stuck in a dream
Replayin' nightmares you wanna scream
Freddy ain't got shit on my inner demons
He be fiendin' tryin' to scheme 'bout this painful weakness, pull up phono cable, he's got a remix

Verse 2
Scratchin' cortex, spun on track, DJ composin' my sleepin'
Tried to be serene like Mozart,  too much pressure, inside Allen Poe heart, 
Put on self, be somethin' better, same pressures from father,
But you know that, how it goes, tumblin' through painful storms, weeds be growin' in my heart made stoned
Tendin' my garden I lost her, all this burnt grass from lovers
We were Peep's, 29, it burnt me, surprise, starin' at campfires, I'm wonderin' why
Tinder embers trickle', all this lyin' ripples, 
Plane be flyin' high hash problems with spliffs filled
Purple smoke filled lungs, texts of deceitful bonds, scripts of how we ended

Chorus 2 
Sometime's your stuck in a dream
Replayin' nightmares you wanna scream
Freddy ain't got shit on my inner demons
He be fiendin' tryin' to scheme 'bout my memories, pull up teleprompter, I gotta see it

Verse 3
Little bit of those beach days together now I'm focused livin' better was a lobster red shell 31 coma flew outta pot I'm thinkin' clearer of all the times I look to see her burnt crisp reminiscin' green I'm missin' her
Bein' at the beach, sky so blue
Hittin' weed candles, times so few
Of what I remember, days undue
Didn't grow, stuck in sand hourglass moved
Smoked bowls on my birthday, now I'm 30 I lost my mind in movies
Replay the pain, purple kush sequels, sun beamin' down through seagulls

Final Chorus
Sometime's your stuck in a dream
Replayin' nightmares you wanna scream
Freddy ain't got shit on my inner demons
He be fiendin' tryin' to scheme 'bout failures, pull up my self worth, I gotta believe it.... I gotta believe it.....

Seagulls Fly Away

When I started making all of these songs I came out with one before called, "Felt Deserved". In that song, I talked about a lot of the same perspectives I share in this song as I did that one, but when I wrote that song I was in a negative mind frame and I felt that it the message of hope that I wanted to bring to people was stifled by the trials and tribulations of going through my own problems and growing. I wanted to redo this song, but in a way where I can properly show the message I want to bring to people while talking about the difficulties life can be bring.

For those who have been following the whole way this is all starting to come together more and more, and you may find this song referencing songs before it. This is today, looking at all of it and being at peace. For a long time, it was hard to write about the more positive side of myself and where I am. But now, I feel different. We will all get there, even if it takes months or years. I hope you enjoy, always remember you got more time then you think!

1st Verse
Shinin' moon makin' me safe bring me rain
Cleasin' burns washin' scars from older pains
Sharks smellin' ole' viscera trails father carnivora
Bring me tidal wave let it be blowin' over
Broke cycle, hourglass sand, father time ashore
Clock's gone, hardest lesson's lettin' go, I'm grabbin' the paddles, I'm escapin' the undertow...

1st Chorus
I feel asleep
Clock doesn't make noise, what's it mean?
Did I escape the dream? Picked up the oar, voyage to peace?

2nd Verse
Studied  homework, vault of trauma's, breakin' safes
Cuttin' checks, 
New school of gettin' paid, baby!
More learned my lessons gold bars pilin' up I got the crimson everythin' I'm goin' red today, ay,
Little bit and I know shit, everythin' up that I gotta be blowin', gotta get through the static, everythin' up that I gotta get showin'
And I'm on the shit, little bit time livin' on the fitz, gotta get through the days, little bit time livin' on the blitz

2nd Chorus
I felt asleep
Clocks really gone, what's it mean?
Sailin' forward this water free, follow compass, my route to peace

Final Verse
Had lotta time off
Got outta bubbles
Used to go sinkin'
Leapin' the puddles found my pad livin' the moment chill at creek
Stars be bright, no sun lunar ocean light
Scope new journey, this tadpole be growin'
Learn from falls, it's all okay, though winter comes, you'll learn to spring, these seasons change, summer will end, the heat will fade
Life be out there findin' signs of big ole world to see
This thinkin' alien got my wisdom finally found my peace
I know from old dirt roads,  debris bed these lost woes, I fell down I lost count, like a sheep, now wake up
Cryptid's gone, beam's of light they cured my hatin', new space flow, ridin' out we happy savin'

New Voyage

In a previous song, "Peas in a Pod", I talked about a vacation trip I took to see my friends that I had back when I was younger. This song is talking about how they truly saved me in a time where I needed it most, the feeling I had of regret and the path it took me with not trusting others because of the mistake (what I blamed myself for at that time) it caused and treasuring the friendship I still have with one of them. Austin you will always be missed. Though we don't see each other like we used to, I hope life has been treating you well Vera. 

This is about when I was 14-16 years old being with my friends while all the darkness was happening from home, and this was my only escape away from the fires. I am forever grateful that I had them in my life, thank you for saving me. 

I hope you all find a friend that gives you inspiration for the future and remember to treasure them. I know if I didn't have the friends I do today and the ones who got me through hard times in life I wouldn't be who I am today. Much love everyone. 

1st Verse
Growin' up in Sherwood houses
Together lastin'
Stuck wanderin' streets, Tryin' to figure out past shit
Moved to town find new friendships
14 years old got playground next to us
Walked around cul-de-sacs, I'm ironin' out my problems
Headphones playin' metal, my ole classic
Walkin' up to houses knockin' doors
Sayin' hey I'm Nate, what's yours?
Bundle of a mess tryna' fit in
I came to yours and I didn't know it, you were the family that I never met
I didn't know I found my new friends

1st Chorus
Went back home smilin' jumpin' over lines where I stepped
Thinkin' things will be okay now, I got my own friend's
Opened door, now I'm feelin' sunburnt
Memories kickin', why I left home first
Tryin' leave fires home, feel like I fit

2nd Verse
Been a couple of months, games of halo's on my head
Playin' D12 we were laughin' at the world's bullshit
6 months passed and we made a band
Tried to sing back then, still can't do it
Levi on the bass, Austin' slammin' sticks
Stories wrote about spartan fightin'
Still got notebooks filled
10 months down the road, they came to my house
Even hell was good, not a dream, just needed rest
2 years down the road 16 feels hard to forget
It was vacation time, spring's leaves in trees
Sun startin' to burn wood I needed to chill

2nd Chorus
Go to your house leapin' over bars trappin' me in
Thinkin' things will be okay now, I got my own friends
Opened door, now I'm feelin' sunburnt
Memories leavin', family gettin' burnt
Tryin' leave fires home, try to forget

3rd Verse
My family back home in McMinnville, 
30 minutes so long without a car
But it wasn't for dad, hatin' his job's shit
He drove home angry one night, no promotion
Kids tired of bein' scared, it only made him angry
Mom tryin' to hold us together away from him
And I was gone, fightin' Gods with Kratos
But Zeus was slammin' hammers on mom and sis
Black eyes, I wasn't there
Levi's mom got a call, told what happened
She walked up, hugged me, said time to go back
All this because I choose havin' friends...

Cul-De-Sacs Gone

Leaving my house after what I had been through and making my way to the city of Portland I went through a year of hard times, running with the wrong crowds, trying to take food or money whenever I could to stay afloat and fuel my habits that gave me comfort while living on the streets. Sometimes all it takes is one bad crowd and one bad time to really remind you of where you are in this world and the impact it can have on you if you fall down the hill too much.

I was in a canyon of my own denial and resentment of what had happened and who I was and dove into that persona and idea of I was "meant" to be. I am so thankful I had good friends who helped me get off this road when I was in it, but remembering the mistakes from the past and why you made them is important for growing and STAYING on that path of growth.

This song is meant to be a perspective piece of what my mentality was at that time, how I felt as I was going through it, and what price I paid from everything.

You're not the scars, they just are part of who already existed before them.

Verse 1
I'm fleein' from beatins' I'm tryin' to get even
A story 'bout times I'm constantly thievin'
Sprintin' on cracked pavement we runnin' flippin' the switches
Starin' down chambers I wish fuckin' Koch's clicked
No missin' this family shit we runnin' the streets gotta flee from pigs
Fill the trough cops are out
Greedy treasure empty pockets
Wolves be out blow you down
Just want swill
Robbin' stores
Gettin' fill
Sharin' food
Robin's crew
Hood's banquet
All the broken we be sharin' feastin'
Sherrif's out, knights beggin' to see me.
Comin' soon, don't wanna be on your TV
Ditched the scene, got cash, Found out, sequel of fists
The blood pours, just some old paid debts.

Chorus 1
Empty road I choose, gotta run
This leakin' crimson, flowin' down
Swore trust to bandits
Cub believin' the shit they show him
Raid castle, felt so loney

Verse 2
Wanted to be baddest wolf
Live with pack the alpha's come
Don't need the moon, ragin' howlin', solar powered
Poison growin' smoke be blowin' hate in lungs be toxic
Walkin' 'round felt chernobyl problems
Anger, radiate's from days on boulevard
Dog chain, baked in sun too long
18, felt like I was drownin'
My pack I felt proud of, they told me come aboard

Chorus 2
Empty road I choose, gotta run
This leakin' crimson, flowin' down
Swore trust to bandits
Cub believin' the shit they show him
Raid castle, felt so loney

Verse 3
You need 6 fools tradition tells bring ya tools rob citadels
'Bout these wolves they look for tales, King's court no room for dogs,
It's time to bail
Sirens ringin'....
WHOOPS
The clams we holdin' fix our problems
Ain't got place to stay this solve's it
Wardens wanna block me out I'm breakin' the bars down
Get me the fuck outta here fuck this shit I'm takin' gold
These other bandits left behind get stuck
Left the pack got the fuck out
All this shit it be deservin' karma returnin' they reignin' the blows in
Betrayal of my crew for my own choosin'
Guards!
Never showed up, too busy with crack heads
Method of justice
Broken face into the pavement

Chorus 3
Empty road I choose, gotta run
This leakin' crimson, flowin' down
Swore trust to bandits
Cub believin' the shit they show him
Raid castle, felt so loney

The Big Bad Wolf

When I started making all of these songs I came out with one before called, "Felt Deserved". In that song, I talked about a lot of the same perspectives I share in this song as I did that one, but when I wrote that song I was in a negative mind frame and I felt that it the message of hope that I wanted to bring to people was stifled by the trials and tribulations of going through my own problems and growing. I wanted to redo this song, but in a way where I can properly show the message I want to bring to people while talking about the difficulties life can be bring.

For those who have been following the whole way this is all starting to come together more and more, and you may find this song referencing songs before it. This is today, looking at all of it and being at peace. For a long time, it was hard to write about the more positive side of myself and where I am. But now, I feel different. We will all get there, even if it takes months or years. I hope you enjoy, always remember you got more time then you think!

1st Verse
Shinin' moon makin' me safe bring me rain
Cleasin' burns washin' scars from older pains
Sharks smellin' ole' viscera trails father carnivora
Bring me tidal wave let it be blowin' over
Broke cycle, hourglass sand, father time ashore
Clock's gone, hardest lesson's lettin' go, I'm grabbin' the paddles, I'm escapin' the undertow...

1st Chorus
I feel asleep
Clock doesn't make noise, what's it mean?
Did I escape the dream? Picked up the oar, voyage to peace?

2nd Verse
Studied  homework, vault of trauma's, breakin' safes
Cuttin' checks, 
New school of gettin' paid, baby!
More learned my lessons gold bars pilin' up I got the crimson everythin' I'm goin' red today, ay,
Little bit time and I know shit, everythin' up that I gotta be blowin', gotta get through the static, everythin' up that I gotta get showin'
And I'm on the shit, little bit time livin' on the fitz, gotta get through the days, little bit time livin' on the blitz

2nd Chorus
I felt asleep
Clocks really gone, what's it mean?
Sailin' forward this water free, follow compass, my route to peace

Final Verse
Hadda lotta time off
Got outta bubbles
Used to go sinkin'
Leapin' the puddles found my pad livin' the moment chill at creek
Stars be bright, no sun lunar ocean light
Scope new journey, this tadpole be growin'
Learn from falls, it's all okay, though winter comes, you'll learn to spring, these seasons change, summer will end, the heat will fade
Life be out there findin' signs of big ole world to see
This thinkin' alien got my wisdom finally found my peace
I know from old dirt roads, debris bed these lost woes, I fell down I lost count, like a sheep, now wake up
Cryptid's gone, beam's of light they cured my hatin', new space flow, ridin' out we happy savin'

New Voyage (Studio Version)

Everything I make is home studio

Grew up with pains and heartache and through music I found a way to really heal inside. I want to share that healing with everyone and that even when we have pains that doesn't mean it can stop you from becoming more then your pain. 

I just hope to be able to help someone out there who feels this way, or has had struggles, or even going through current struggles. There is always a better tomorrow, and today's problems won't change your past ones. 

I just want to share a message that I feel I could really help with. I love writing music and sharing my thoughts. Thanks for your support.

ReBorn

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