Gather round, gather round. No stop, that's too much gathering. Disperse... A little more... A little more. Well now you're far too dispersed, aren't you? You're gonna wanna give me just a hint more gathering. Woah woah woah, now you're even more gathered than the first time. So much for the wisdom of crowds, ya tightly packed throng o' boneheads.

In this very chatty episode of Regular Features, Gav recounts the tale of our annual trip to the most happening Halloween party this side of Godalming. Steve hosts a "guess the TV theme tune" quiz in lieu of actually doing a feature. And Joe turns informant for anyone who'll listen.

"Onion Capers" and "Newer Wave" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

here is johnny!

546: Snitches Get Witches

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.

In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.

7hrs 15d

554: Nothing Compares 2 Worms

Well, I ate the whole thing. Shrug emoji!

In this episode, Joe brings us to the aid of an ailin' 'n' flailin' maestra flautist, Gav discovers a hidden side effect of jelly boy bonification, and Steve delves deep into the Regular Features agony auntsack.

flaut fund

561: Vegetariana Lasagne

JUMP! For my love. JUMP IN! And feel my touch. Please, wife, you have to jump now before it's too late. The cruise ship is sinking and this is the last lifeboat. If you don't jump, I'll float away and you'll be left to drown alone on that cursed boat. So, if you want to taste my kisses in the night, or ever again, my sweet love, then... JUMP!

In this episode, Joe is horrified to learn the true meaning behind the 1990 glam rock FILTH anthem "Cherry Pie". Steve wakes up from a nap to discover three-time Grammy award winner Dua Lipa has become trapped inside his walls. And Gav is here too, making a big hoo-hah over nothin'.

save a slice 4 me!

563: Dua Lipa Cherry Pie

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets.

In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near an archdeacon.

say a lil prayer

567: Yummy Mummy Pope Juice

And where do you think you've been these past four weeks? Think you can come slinking back into our lives like nothing's happened? That things would be the same again? Well you're right, and we forgive you. But DON'T let it happen again.

In this episode, Log catches up with people we've agony aunted, Joe devises some cool new tech for food, and Steve put a ring on it and got a ring put on him, in a ring-putting ceremony theologians are calling "unlikely".

toast the coin

569: Big and Sticky

It's another episode of Regular Features, the podcast named "top result" by Spotify when you search for Regular Features in the podcasts section.

In this episode, Steve writes an entirely original screenplay for an action movie. Joe dives deep into the horrid curse of the Kennedys. And Log, god love him, Log is simply standing there while this whole thing happens around him. What more can you ask?

yippee ki COIN

575: Come Come Cotswold Cradle Curse

I'm uploading this from America, which means that you should now be seeing Coca-Cola streaming from the USB port of your phone. That's free Coca-Cola, so don't miss out. It's going in your shoe! It's going in your shoe!! You got Coca-Cola shoe!!! That's not our fault. Get a glass, now, make the most of it. Oh it's over. Don't blame us, it's your phone, and your shoe, and your Coca-Cola.

In this episode, Gav has upset a Reader, Steve sends us on an Oat Quest, and Joe has noticed a pattern in North American filmmaking that he wishes to exploit

581: It's Oat So Quiet

Come and get your oats, mother. I have prepared the oats for thee. They are in the garage, mother. I have set the oats on the floor, behind the Citroen. Pay no heed to the engine noise, mama. Consume the oats and be satisfied. Oh mother, it is dark behind the Citroen. Allow me to illuminate your meal of oats with the car's reversing lights. No, I will not crush you under the Citroen, mother. I would not dare. I am saddened that you would even suggest such foulness. Aha! I am crushing you now, mother. I will have what is coming to me. What I deserve. My inheritance of oats! The oats will be mine! 

In this episode, Steve acquires the deed to a platinum mine, Log defends his pub from amateur Christmas boozers, and Joe addresses the bag of wheat in the room.

Happy Christmas!

582: It's a Box of Oats

Are you a victim of shiny ham? Did you think it was like shiny beef (which is fine), ate it, and your hands fell off? Then are we the legal team for you! We will personally sue the pig who produced your ham that went shiny. If they're already dead, we'll sue their piglets. We will get you your money back! But not your hands, those are long gone. Actually, can you bring your hands to our law office? We want to see fallen-off hands, just for our own curiosity.

And while you visit, we might play you an episode of Regular Features in which Matt finds out Mavis Beacon wasn't real, Log starts but - crucially - does not finish a feature, and Joe makes a startling discovery inside an audio illusion. DON'T DELAY IF YOU ATE BAD HAM.

587: Mavis Beacon Teaches Bonka Bonka

Hi, I'm Joe Skrebels. I just want you to know that I downloaded the public domain image used as art for this episode of the podcast before I realised it looked like me on that sled. I want to make it very clear that I did not teleport back to the 1930s for a photoshoot that I could use as podcast art almost a century later. I wouldn't do that, I haven't got the wherewithal.

In this episode, Matt can't stop sninning, Log processes some stuff about a Paula Abdul music video, and Joe travels back in time to go sledding. Wait, no, don't pay attention to that. Alexa, delete that. ALEXA, DELETE THAT.

589: Snins of Our Features

In this episode, Log is up for a BAFTA, which looks like you're SHOUTING it because it's an ACRONYM. For the sake of making each of our features sound equally prestigious: Steve is talking about EARWAX, and Joe suspects somebody might be trying to MURDER the inventor of the SAXOPHONE.

OKAY?

honest 2 gudnes

590: Spider Gobblin' Flamingos

Four podcasters, two pairings, one episode. Joe and Gav face off against Matt and Log in a barely conceived concept episode. Do not adjust your set, because your set doesn't control podcasts. 

JEWELS FOR DADDIES?

591: Bingo Bango, It's the Double Twoboy Tango

This week we preview the 2025 Video Games BAFTA Awards one whole week after they've been announced. How did we manage such a time-bending feat? We're not quite sure ourselves. 

£££4BAFTAS

592: BAFTA The Future

Mmm, we have just baked a delicious episode. Now to leave it cooling on the windowsill with all delicious smell lines coming out of it. We hope there are no hungry readers hiding in our begonias.

HEY. In this SPECIAL two-boy episode, Joe attempts to decipher a cryptic feature idea from his notes app. And Steve reckons Katy Perry aint been quite right ever since she did a loop-de-loop near a moon.

593: Eighty Litre Grief Hole

It's another quiet day in the Regular Features stock market today, and OH MY GOD THE FEATURES INDEX IS CRASHING. Put in a big buy order for Log talking about Tinkletown! Sell your stocks in Pope futures, because Joe's lifting the lid on a smoky secret! And whatever you do, hold onto your animal facts, because Matt's flooding the market!

Smoke up a popecoin

594: Big Smoky Porcupines Hit Tinkletown

Welcome back to the Regular Features podcast, the only podcast that enters your dreams every night to chase you around a big hedge maze. And when you wake up there are hedge clippings under your pillow. And when you shake your husband awake to tell him about the dream, he has OUR faces. Dream within a dream, baby! We're the only podcast that does that, we checked!!

In this episode, an Instagram voodoo-witch lets Gav in on an ancient secret you WON'T believe. Joe invites you on a murder investigation with a SHOCKING twist. And Steve pings around pointlessly like a DVD logo.

oh we insist

595: Galactic Pantry Mystic Murder

Hello and welcome to the only podcast that is "Regular Features".

In this episode, Joe samples forbidden chlorinated delicacies of the new world, Ryan Coogler bugles his way into and out of yet another scrape, and Steve wonders what if Bebop out of Ninja Turtles wound up Pope.

coin4parp

596: Ryan Coogler Bebop Bugler

Whether you're looking for the hottest new magpie or the latest dad's brother, the Regular Features podcast is your one stop shop for all things birds AND uncles. So come on down to this episode. The uncles and birds are waiting... for you??

In this episode, Joe shows off his criminal underbelly. Log learns to speak the ancient language of beak. And Steve feeds so many damn birds. Now scoot!

caCAAWW

597: The Uncles and Birds Special

Open wide, it's time for podcasts.

In this episode, Joe recounts the story of a man who drove his car into where a multi-storey car park wasn't, Steve invites us on a tour of Candyman's factory, and Log lists the animals of his local city farm that have displeased him.

beep beep oink

598: Luton Candy Pig

Whaaah it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. Who me? Whah ah am the most readily scandalised debutante in all of Mississippi. A single nod from a brute would be enough to butter my teacakes and make my shadow scurry up my garters, ahhh doooo believe. Ahh rahhllyy achsually dooooo if you don't mind.

In this episode, Joe introduces me to the fine and upstanding gentlemen of this podcast, who I am assured are decent folk of good moral standing. And Log, ah am told, goes to war with various birds. Ahhh. AHHHHH.

"That Zen Moment " Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

ah do declare

599: Scandalous Bird House

We can't believe we're the first ever podcast to reach Episode 600. Feels a bit weird tbh. 

But thank YOU, dear readers, for supporting us all these years and for keeping this runaway train of nonsense chugging along and stocked up with coal. 

(the coal is likes and iTunes reviews and the track is Patreon money fyi)

£££4Coal

600: A Normal Hot NIght

Welcome back to Britain's LEAST acclaimed podcast. It's Regular Features, gab nab it, and it's the only podcast on the web as far we know.

In this episode, Steve has an update from the British Podcast Awards. Log measures our pride with a capital pee. And Matt talks about chairs for what seems like ages, but turns out is only about 12 minutes. Okay here we go.

take a seat

601: Proud Beethoven Chairs

Oh, it's a bad day to be a dolemite! But possibly a good day if you're a children's book or someone called "Rocky Balboa". 

£££4Punches

602: Rocky DCII SUBTITLE Freezin' My Dolemites Off

Take a little pinch of Regular, and a heaped teaspoon of Features. Pre-heat the oven. Sorry I was supposed to tell you to do that first. Unpinch the Regular and tip the Features back into the Feature Scuttle. Now that your hands are free, pre-heat the oven. Okay. Now you can repinch the Regular, add a heaped teaspoon of Features. Hold on. There was supposed to be greaseproof paper somewhere. Sorry.

In this episode, Joe introduces us to Rumplestiltskin's weird brother. Log clears out a gay bar using the power of words. And Steve is back with a critically acclaimed sequel in the Brian Cradle sagaverse. Please love us!!

"Volatile Reaction" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

"Touching Moments Four - Melody" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

nyah-hah-hah!

603: The Bus That Couldn't Remember His Name

Oh my goodness, you STINK. Get in the bath immediately. I cannot BELIEVE how often I have to scrub the stink off of you in this bath. Urgh, first I need to scrape off this outer layer of Gavin, who has clearly been equating figures of Irish renown with NFL offensive positions. Oh, and what do we have under here? A Steve feature about his washing machine I shouldn't doubt. And, oh god, I've been sick, this is a whole bubbling film of Joe discussing the stagnation of the kitchen. OK get out, I love you again.

Mr Bond please coin me

604: Normal Irishmen in the Microwave

When she saw me running backwards and forwards and getting confused, shouting "oh no I can't organise my thoughts because I'm running backwards and forwards and getting confused", my grandmother used to put a hand on my shoulder and say "more haste, less speed". 

I looked her square in the eye and said "oh my god you mad hag everyone knows time = distance / speed, that is the most stupid thing I've ever heard". Then I would fall asleep from not being able to find my keys. 

It is THAT spirit of GET IT DONE that Gav brings to the world when he drives a car: up to - and exceeding! - the speed limit. This time, however, he has been caught, and now the only Zooming he's doing is in a meeting with a speed awareness instructor! (That's a real joke: there are nearly FOUR in this episode.)

Meanwhile, Joe brings an angry father into the show. A man who wants to know why his debutante offspring has been scandalised to death by our vulgar utterances. And Log has joined a gym that is expensive beyond reason and reckons he can put it against his tax bill if he says it was research for the podcast. 

"Western Streets" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

JUICE POLICE

605 - Money, Speed And Scandal

I really have to encourage you to listen to this, because Log makes a whimsical guess during the second feature and it's honestly astonishing stuff. Elsewhere, Joe gets into advertising (again), Matt's been watching strangers on the beach (again), and Log regales us with tales from the life of man who sells fish in pubs (unique). 

P.S. You're a bee.

FISHMONEY

606: Slinging Fish on the Beach

Do you think Pliny the Elder and Pliny the Younger ever had a magic act where Pliny the Elder would climb into a big wooden box with whatever the Latin is for "PLINY THE ELDER'S DE-AGING DEVICE" written on it. Then Pliny the Younger would jump out of the box and say "behold, it is I, Pliny the Elder but younger. But you may call me simply Pliny." 

Then William Pitt, who had been watching from backstage, calls his dad on the phone and says "Pitt! Pitt the Elder! It's your son, Pitt the Younger. You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" and then he holds the phone towards the stage, not understanding that telephones can't convey a magic act that ended twenty seconds ago. "Pitt the Disappointment, more like," says Pitt the Elder on the phone to no one.

In this episode. Steve gets scanned. Log gets Zimmed. Joe gets secrets. Charmed I'm sure.

clunk, clip, clap

607: Scan My Secret Big Boy

In this episode, something's got under Steve's skin, something's got out of Log's bottom, and something's threatening to explode in Joe's mouth. It's very much a "well that's certainly something" kind of an episode. And will we apologise for that? Yes, actually. Sorry.

"Prelude in C" / "Unseen Horrors" / "Wholesome"
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

coin coin coin

608: The Buerk Ultimatum

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week

Regular Features

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