Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a two-inch incision and insert Joe griping about his comedy heroes being sad about death. WE'RE LOSING THEM. We're going to have to do it- Nurse, I understand your reservations but we have to no TIME. We're going to try an experimental technique which involves shoving Log talking about yoga directly into the reader's spinal chord. We lost them. This never gets easier. Time of death: whenever this podcast description ended. I'm going to get a pork pie.
 
"Raving Energy (faster)" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

money or we'll perish

458: Richard Simmons' Melancholy Watch

If you can't handle me at my hurdy, you don't deserve me at my gurdy.

In this one, Steve heads underwater to discover treasures untold. Joe comes head to head with a devil baby. Log submits his video will.

implode our pockets

532: The Crombinators

Hey, you know how a demure Helen O'Connell asks Dean Martin how he likes his eggs in the morning (in the hit song "How D'ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning"), and how it should be pretty obvious to everybody that she's coyly inviting him to stay the night?

But then a horny and oblivious Dean Martin keeps replying with "I LIKE MINE WITH A KISS" and "REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT EGGS, JUST GOTTA GET MY FREAKIN KISSES" and later, "I WILL TRANSFORM INTO AN ANGRY MONSTER IF IT'S JUST EGGS AND WE DON'T ACTUALLY SHAG BTW".

And then people in the 1950s were like, damn that guy's cool. Let's nickname him "The King of Cool" for that. Let's put him in a Rat Pack for that. It's just something to think about!

In this episode, Steve shares his favourite scene from hot kitchen drama The Bear, Joe remasters a beloved racket-and-ball sports series, and Log attempts to get his texts read out on 6 Music. Gav is there, making sure we all behave.

Thanks!

behind!

536: Squash My 6 Music Bear

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.

But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. He regales you about yoghurt. What is yoghurt? Is it also from a egg? The final face is called Log. He tells you about his haunted house, Blyth Manor - and that it contains a egg.

A egg! You must leave. You must leave a egg to find out more about all the a eggs around. It is time.

Money for a egg?

540: A egg.

In this episode, Log rediscovers his love of music by ordering vinyl records from a spooky owl, and Joe is smitten with thyssenkrupp's floating aeroplane corridor gantry jobbies. Steve is here too, technically.

(They're call jet bridges, I looked it up. Jet bridges! Like Jeff Bridges' cooler, more articulated brother. Hello, I'm Jet Bridges. If you want to get on this Airbus A380, you gotta climb through my guts first).

now boarding... us!!

543: Take Off Your Jorts And Shacket

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! 
Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. 

Listen to the podcast! https://regularfeatures.com/ 
Support the podcast, get a BEE NAME: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

£££4Pimms

544: Live at The Canal Cafe Theatre (again)

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log's recantation of The Box of Delights. And she'd cry herself into the grave at the fact that Steve wasn't there. EAT UP, GRANDMA.

Jingle in your pocket

551: Secret Airborne Delights, Just £45!

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets.

In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near an archdeacon.

say a lil prayer

567: Yummy Mummy Pope Juice

Autoglass repair? Okay cool, yeah I'm into this. I'm buying what you're selling. I'm picking up what you're putting down. A repaired windshield, well who could say no to that? What a deal! My beautiful original windshield, restored to its former glory, the idea delights my heart! What's that?! Autoglass REPLACE?! Well hold on just a minute!!!

In this episode, Joe gets word from our podcast sponsors that one of us has been electing for dangerous and unapproved head surgeries. Log rediscovers the wondrous routines of Jasper Carrott. And Steve simply attends. Nobody can ever accuse him of not having been in the room.

coin damage +2

576: Carrott and Stick

In this episode, Log gets a cease and knock-it-off from the estate of a former member of house of the England parliament of the member of the right honourable house of members of the house... in Britain! And Steve's friend has been rubbing shoulders with stars on a barge. Barge stars! Legal threats! What more can we give? We're doing our best!!

all aboard, poochie

578: Fresh Prince of Hilaire

Hello, this is an episode Regular Features. Please remain seated until your group number is called. In this episode, Log's friend Wolf Blitzer dispenses with his unruly cats. Matt dispenses playground justice. Steve dispenses a helicopter into a mountain. Joe dispenses a lost Elvis Presley recording.

coin wud b nice

579: Tostada Toilet Playground Cats

This week Joe has a bone to pick with Gav and it's nothing to do with the fact that Gav saw King Charles the other day and didn't spit at him. Matt also invites you to enjoy a game show he's made about a well. Like what the title and the artwork are on about. 

580: Well, Well, Well.

I'm uploading this from America, which means that you should now be seeing Coca-Cola streaming from the USB port of your phone. That's free Coca-Cola, so don't miss out. It's going in your shoe! It's going in your shoe!! You got Coca-Cola shoe!!! That's not our fault. Get a glass, now, make the most of it. Oh it's over. Don't blame us, it's your phone, and your shoe, and your Coca-Cola.

In this episode, Gav has upset a Reader, Steve sends us on an Oat Quest, and Joe has noticed a pattern in North American filmmaking that he wishes to exploit

581: It's Oat So Quiet

Come and get your oats, mother. I have prepared the oats for thee. They are in the garage, mother. I have set the oats on the floor, behind the Citroen. Pay no heed to the engine noise, mama. Consume the oats and be satisfied. Oh mother, it is dark behind the Citroen. Allow me to illuminate your meal of oats with the car's reversing lights. No, I will not crush you under the Citroen, mother. I would not dare. I am saddened that you would even suggest such foulness. Aha! I am crushing you now, mother. I will have what is coming to me. What I deserve. My inheritance of oats! The oats will be mine! 

In this episode, Steve acquires the deed to a platinum mine, Log defends his pub from amateur Christmas boozers, and Joe addresses the bag of wheat in the room.

Happy Christmas!

582: It's a Box of Oats

This year instead of our annual Ramblemas Special, we bring you the inaugural Regular Features Rambuary Spectacular. 

583: The Rambuary Spectacular

New year, new you? No! Old year, OLD YOU. Open up those earholes and let us slither on in again, like you always do. Change is for the weak. Continuing to listen to Regular Features is strength. Phwoar. Look at you. Have you been working out.

In this episode, Joe's got hoofs on the baize, Steve's got lungs out of phase, and Log's got heraldic insights that amaze. Roll tape!

pot the red

584: Whooping Hoof Heraldry

This week Bobby Williams' monkey movie has a grip on the Regular Features boys however one of the lads refuses to be caught up in the zeitgeist and has done a feature about Family Fortunes or summin'. 

This episode of the podcast is dediated to Twins director David Lynch. 

585: Three Better Men

Hello, my name is Betty Boop, the owner of the Regular Features podcast. I am 95 years old but still as sprightly as a bag of Tennessee pickles. Teehee. Anyway it is my pleasure to welcome you to another episode I suppose. 

In this one, Steve's still on about aeroplanes for some reason, Log discovers the origins of Hockley Nottingham's infamous Goose Gate, and Matt lists the horses from worst to blurst.

boop boop, be-doop

586: Goosegate Horsefly

Are you a victim of shiny ham? Did you think it was like shiny beef (which is fine), ate it, and your hands fell off? Then are we the legal team for you! We will personally sue the pig who produced your ham that went shiny. If they're already dead, we'll sue their piglets. We will get you your money back! But not your hands, those are long gone. Actually, can you bring your hands to our law office? We want to see fallen-off hands, just for our own curiosity.

And while you visit, we might play you an episode of Regular Features in which Matt finds out Mavis Beacon wasn't real, Log starts but - crucially - does not finish a feature, and Joe makes a startling discovery inside an audio illusion. DON'T DELAY IF YOU ATE BAD HAM.

587: Mavis Beacon Teaches Bonka Bonka

Welcome to Regular Features, the only podcast that's been clinically proven to be both big AND clever. 

In this week's episode, teenage Steve gets a visit from The Rock out of Wrestling, Matt intrudes into the personal doings of a Pikachu, and Log designs his own cash register, or "till", as in "I'm not serving you this pint till you give me coins for my cash register".

tombstone me NOW

588: Rock vs Electric

Hi, I'm Joe Skrebels. I just want you to know that I downloaded the public domain image used as art for this episode of the podcast before I realised it looked like me on that sled. I want to make it very clear that I did not teleport back to the 1930s for a photoshoot that I could use as podcast art almost a century later. I wouldn't do that, I haven't got the wherewithal.

In this episode, Matt can't stop sninning, Log processes some stuff about a Paula Abdul music video, and Joe travels back in time to go sledding. Wait, no, don't pay attention to that. Alexa, delete that. ALEXA, DELETE THAT.

589: Snins of Our Features

In this episode, Log is up for a BAFTA, which looks like you're SHOUTING it because it's an ACRONYM. For the sake of making each of our features sound equally prestigious: Steve is talking about EARWAX, and Joe suspects somebody might be trying to MURDER the inventor of the SAXOPHONE.

OKAY?

honest 2 gudnes

590: Spider Gobblin' Flamingos

Four podcasters, two pairings, one episode. Joe and Gav face off against Matt and Log in a barely conceived concept episode. Do not adjust your set, because your set doesn't control podcasts. 

JEWELS FOR DADDIES?

591: Bingo Bango, It's the Double Twoboy Tango

This week we preview the 2025 Video Games BAFTA Awards one whole week after they've been announced. How did we manage such a time-bending feat? We're not quite sure ourselves. 

£££4BAFTAS

592: BAFTA The Future

Mmm, we have just baked a delicious episode. Now to leave it cooling on the windowsill with all delicious smell lines coming out of it. We hope there are no hungry readers hiding in our begonias.

HEY. In this SPECIAL two-boy episode, Joe attempts to decipher a cryptic feature idea from his notes app. And Steve reckons Katy Perry aint been quite right ever since she did a loop-de-loop near a moon.

593: Eighty Litre Grief Hole

It's another quiet day in the Regular Features stock market today, and OH MY GOD THE FEATURES INDEX IS CRASHING. Put in a big buy order for Log talking about Tinkletown! Sell your stocks in Pope futures, because Joe's lifting the lid on a smoky secret! And whatever you do, hold onto your animal facts, because Matt's flooding the market!

Smoke up a popecoin

594: Big Smoky Porcupines Hit Tinkletown

Welcome back to the Regular Features podcast, the only podcast that enters your dreams every night to chase you around a big hedge maze. And when you wake up there are hedge clippings under your pillow. And when you shake your husband awake to tell him about the dream, he has OUR faces. Dream within a dream, baby! We're the only podcast that does that, we checked!!

In this episode, an Instagram voodoo-witch lets Gav in on an ancient secret you WON'T believe. Joe invites you on a murder investigation with a SHOCKING twist. And Steve pings around pointlessly like a DVD logo.

oh we insist

595: Galactic Pantry Mystic Murder

Hello and welcome to the only podcast that is "Regular Features".

In this episode, Joe samples forbidden chlorinated delicacies of the new world, Ryan Coogler bugles his way into and out of yet another scrape, and Steve wonders what if Bebop out of Ninja Turtles wound up Pope.

coin4parp

596: Ryan Coogler Bebop Bugler

Whether you're looking for the hottest new magpie or the latest dad's brother, the Regular Features podcast is your one stop shop for all things birds AND uncles. So come on down to this episode. The uncles and birds are waiting... for you??

In this episode, Joe shows off his criminal underbelly. Log learns to speak the ancient language of beak. And Steve feeds so many damn birds. Now scoot!

caCAAWW

597: The Uncles and Birds Special

Normally, we'd use this description to call you all a bunch of shites or something, but Gav met a man called Robin who's put us all on best behaviour. 

Love you Robin sorry Robin

299: Beautiful Robin's Biowine Nickname

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week

Regular Features

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