Get this reader on the table, we need to operate NOW! Nurse, pass me a syringe full of Matt forgetting if he's ever owned a watch. I'm going to make a two-inch incision and insert Joe griping about his comedy heroes being sad about death. WE'RE LOSING THEM. We're going to have to do it- Nurse, I understand your reservations but we have to no TIME. We're going to try an experimental technique which involves shoving Log talking about yoga directly into the reader's spinal chord. We lost them. This never gets easier. Time of death: whenever this podcast description ended. I'm going to get a pork pie.
 
"Raving Energy (faster)" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

money or we'll perish

458: Richard Simmons' Melancholy Watch

If your Christmas tradition isn't playing this podcast at full volume, directly into your nan's increasingly ecstatic face, then we don't even want you listening to it. She'd love Gav's story about over-paying a tailor. She'd swoon to hear Secret Santana's latest return. She'd nod vigorously when Matt laid bare the world of aviation. She'd clap like a seal at Log's recantation of The Box of Delights. And she'd cry herself into the grave at the fact that Steve wasn't there. EAT UP, GRANDMA.

Jingle in your pocket

551: Secret Airborne Delights, Just £45!

Excuse me? Excuse me. Please may I be excused. You must excuse me now. Oh no I've excused myself into my shorts. That's your fault, that is, actually, for not excusing me quickly enough. Now I've got excuses all down my legs. Excuse YOU, more like.

In this one: Steve solves the XL Bully crisis gripping da nation. Joe drops some fresh Saltburn beats. Also the AI episode art is just a joke from the episode, we're not horrible.

7hrs 15d

554: Nothing Compares 2 Worms

Wets here! Get your wets. Fresh wets. Only the finest wets. Just came in this morning. Low low prices. Affordable wets for the family. You sir, want wets? Well you can't have one. No wets for you. Don't even look at my wets.

In this episodes, Log meets a yummy mummy. Joe meets a juice fanatic. And Steve overhears the pope dropping some f-bombs near an archdeacon.

say a lil prayer

567: Yummy Mummy Pope Juice

And where do you think you've been these past four weeks? Think you can come slinking back into our lives like nothing's happened? That things would be the same again? Well you're right, and we forgive you. But DON'T let it happen again.

In this episode, Log catches up with people we've agony aunted, Joe devises some cool new tech for food, and Steve put a ring on it and got a ring put on him, in a ring-putting ceremony theologians are calling "unlikely".

toast the coin

569: Big and Sticky

We can't keep meeting like this!!

In this episode, Joe wonders what would happen if you did a wet space in orbit. Log ponders on Andrew Tate's beautiful penis. Steve recounts the time we went to the Olympics... and won!

give us gold

571: Olympic Tate Gas

It's another episode of Regular Features, the podcast named "top result" by Spotify when you search for Regular Features in the podcasts section.

In this episode, Steve writes an entirely original screenplay for an action movie. Joe dives deep into the horrid curse of the Kennedys. And Log, god love him, Log is simply standing there while this whole thing happens around him. What more can you ask?

yippee ki COIN

575: Come Come Cotswold Cradle Curse

Autoglass repair? Okay cool, yeah I'm into this. I'm buying what you're selling. I'm picking up what you're putting down. A repaired windshield, well who could say no to that? What a deal! My beautiful original windshield, restored to its former glory, the idea delights my heart! What's that?! Autoglass REPLACE?! Well hold on just a minute!!!

In this episode, Joe gets word from our podcast sponsors that one of us has been electing for dangerous and unapproved head surgeries. Log rediscovers the wondrous routines of Jasper Carrott. And Steve simply attends. Nobody can ever accuse him of not having been in the room.

coin damage +2

576: Carrott and Stick

This week Joe has a bone to pick with Gav and it's nothing to do with the fact that Gav saw King Charles the other day and didn't spit at him. Matt also invites you to enjoy a game show he's made about a well. Like what the title and the artwork are on about. 

580: Well, Well, Well.

I'm uploading this from America, which means that you should now be seeing Coca-Cola streaming from the USB port of your phone. That's free Coca-Cola, so don't miss out. It's going in your shoe! It's going in your shoe!! You got Coca-Cola shoe!!! That's not our fault. Get a glass, now, make the most of it. Oh it's over. Don't blame us, it's your phone, and your shoe, and your Coca-Cola.

In this episode, Gav has upset a Reader, Steve sends us on an Oat Quest, and Joe has noticed a pattern in North American filmmaking that he wishes to exploit

581: It's Oat So Quiet

Come and get your oats, mother. I have prepared the oats for thee. They are in the garage, mother. I have set the oats on the floor, behind the Citroen. Pay no heed to the engine noise, mama. Consume the oats and be satisfied. Oh mother, it is dark behind the Citroen. Allow me to illuminate your meal of oats with the car's reversing lights. No, I will not crush you under the Citroen, mother. I would not dare. I am saddened that you would even suggest such foulness. Aha! I am crushing you now, mother. I will have what is coming to me. What I deserve. My inheritance of oats! The oats will be mine! 

In this episode, Steve acquires the deed to a platinum mine, Log defends his pub from amateur Christmas boozers, and Joe addresses the bag of wheat in the room.

Happy Christmas!

582: It's a Box of Oats

This week Bobby Williams' monkey movie has a grip on the Regular Features boys however one of the lads refuses to be caught up in the zeitgeist and has done a feature about Family Fortunes or summin'. 

This episode of the podcast is dediated to Twins director David Lynch. 

585: Three Better Men

Hello, my name is Betty Boop, the owner of the Regular Features podcast. I am 95 years old but still as sprightly as a bag of Tennessee pickles. Teehee. Anyway it is my pleasure to welcome you to another episode I suppose. 

In this one, Steve's still on about aeroplanes for some reason, Log discovers the origins of Hockley Nottingham's infamous Goose Gate, and Matt lists the horses from worst to blurst.

boop boop, be-doop

586: Goosegate Horsefly

Are you a victim of shiny ham? Did you think it was like shiny beef (which is fine), ate it, and your hands fell off? Then are we the legal team for you! We will personally sue the pig who produced your ham that went shiny. If they're already dead, we'll sue their piglets. We will get you your money back! But not your hands, those are long gone. Actually, can you bring your hands to our law office? We want to see fallen-off hands, just for our own curiosity.

And while you visit, we might play you an episode of Regular Features in which Matt finds out Mavis Beacon wasn't real, Log starts but - crucially - does not finish a feature, and Joe makes a startling discovery inside an audio illusion. DON'T DELAY IF YOU ATE BAD HAM.

587: Mavis Beacon Teaches Bonka Bonka

Welcome to Regular Features, the only podcast that's been clinically proven to be both big AND clever. 

In this week's episode, teenage Steve gets a visit from The Rock out of Wrestling, Matt intrudes into the personal doings of a Pikachu, and Log designs his own cash register, or "till", as in "I'm not serving you this pint till you give me coins for my cash register".

tombstone me NOW

588: Rock vs Electric

Hi, I'm Joe Skrebels. I just want you to know that I downloaded the public domain image used as art for this episode of the podcast before I realised it looked like me on that sled. I want to make it very clear that I did not teleport back to the 1930s for a photoshoot that I could use as podcast art almost a century later. I wouldn't do that, I haven't got the wherewithal.

In this episode, Matt can't stop sninning, Log processes some stuff about a Paula Abdul music video, and Joe travels back in time to go sledding. Wait, no, don't pay attention to that. Alexa, delete that. ALEXA, DELETE THAT.

589: Snins of Our Features

In this episode, Log is up for a BAFTA, which looks like you're SHOUTING it because it's an ACRONYM. For the sake of making each of our features sound equally prestigious: Steve is talking about EARWAX, and Joe suspects somebody might be trying to MURDER the inventor of the SAXOPHONE.

OKAY?

honest 2 gudnes

590: Spider Gobblin' Flamingos

Four podcasters, two pairings, one episode. Joe and Gav face off against Matt and Log in a barely conceived concept episode. Do not adjust your set, because your set doesn't control podcasts. 

JEWELS FOR DADDIES?

591: Bingo Bango, It's the Double Twoboy Tango

This week we preview the 2025 Video Games BAFTA Awards one whole week after they've been announced. How did we manage such a time-bending feat? We're not quite sure ourselves. 

£££4BAFTAS

592: BAFTA The Future

Mmm, we have just baked a delicious episode. Now to leave it cooling on the windowsill with all delicious smell lines coming out of it. We hope there are no hungry readers hiding in our begonias.

HEY. In this SPECIAL two-boy episode, Joe attempts to decipher a cryptic feature idea from his notes app. And Steve reckons Katy Perry aint been quite right ever since she did a loop-de-loop near a moon.

593: Eighty Litre Grief Hole

It's another quiet day in the Regular Features stock market today, and OH MY GOD THE FEATURES INDEX IS CRASHING. Put in a big buy order for Log talking about Tinkletown! Sell your stocks in Pope futures, because Joe's lifting the lid on a smoky secret! And whatever you do, hold onto your animal facts, because Matt's flooding the market!

Smoke up a popecoin

594: Big Smoky Porcupines Hit Tinkletown

Welcome back to the Regular Features podcast, the only podcast that enters your dreams every night to chase you around a big hedge maze. And when you wake up there are hedge clippings under your pillow. And when you shake your husband awake to tell him about the dream, he has OUR faces. Dream within a dream, baby! We're the only podcast that does that, we checked!!

In this episode, an Instagram voodoo-witch lets Gav in on an ancient secret you WON'T believe. Joe invites you on a murder investigation with a SHOCKING twist. And Steve pings around pointlessly like a DVD logo.

oh we insist

595: Galactic Pantry Mystic Murder

Hello and welcome to the only podcast that is "Regular Features".

In this episode, Joe samples forbidden chlorinated delicacies of the new world, Ryan Coogler bugles his way into and out of yet another scrape, and Steve wonders what if Bebop out of Ninja Turtles wound up Pope.

coin4parp

596: Ryan Coogler Bebop Bugler

Whether you're looking for the hottest new magpie or the latest dad's brother, the Regular Features podcast is your one stop shop for all things birds AND uncles. So come on down to this episode. The uncles and birds are waiting... for you??

In this episode, Joe shows off his criminal underbelly. Log learns to speak the ancient language of beak. And Steve feeds so many damn birds. Now scoot!

caCAAWW

597: The Uncles and Birds Special

Open wide, it's time for podcasts.

In this episode, Joe recounts the story of a man who drove his car into where a multi-storey car park wasn't, Steve invites us on a tour of Candyman's factory, and Log lists the animals of his local city farm that have displeased him.

beep beep oink

598: Luton Candy Pig

Whaaah it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, I'm sure. Who me? Whah ah am the most readily scandalised debutante in all of Mississippi. A single nod from a brute would be enough to butter my teacakes and make my shadow scurry up my garters, ahhh doooo believe. Ahh rahhllyy achsually dooooo if you don't mind.

In this episode, Joe introduces me to the fine and upstanding gentlemen of this podcast, who I am assured are decent folk of good moral standing. And Log, ah am told, goes to war with various birds. Ahhh. AHHHHH.

"That Zen Moment " Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

ah do declare

599: Scandalous Bird House

We can't believe we're the first ever podcast to reach Episode 600. Feels a bit weird tbh. 

But thank YOU, dear readers, for supporting us all these years and for keeping this runaway train of nonsense chugging along and stocked up with coal. 

(the coal is likes and iTunes reviews and the track is Patreon money fyi)

£££4Coal

600: A Normal Hot NIght

Welcome back to Britain's LEAST acclaimed podcast. It's Regular Features, gab nab it, and it's the only podcast on the web as far we know.

In this episode, Steve has an update from the British Podcast Awards. Log measures our pride with a capital pee. And Matt talks about chairs for what seems like ages, but turns out is only about 12 minutes. Okay here we go.

take a seat

601: Proud Beethoven Chairs

Oh, it's a bad day to be a dolemite! But possibly a good day if you're a children's book or someone called "Rocky Balboa". 

£££4Punches

602: Rocky DCII SUBTITLE Freezin' My Dolemites Off

Take a little pinch of Regular, and a heaped teaspoon of Features. Pre-heat the oven. Sorry I was supposed to tell you to do that first. Unpinch the Regular and tip the Features back into the Feature Scuttle. Now that your hands are free, pre-heat the oven. Okay. Now you can repinch the Regular, add a heaped teaspoon of Features. Hold on. There was supposed to be greaseproof paper somewhere. Sorry.

In this episode, Joe introduces us to Rumplestiltskin's weird brother. Log clears out a gay bar using the power of words. And Steve is back with a critically acclaimed sequel in the Brian Cradle sagaverse. Please love us!!

"Volatile Reaction" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

"Touching Moments Four - Melody" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

nyah-hah-hah!

603: The Bus That Couldn't Remember His Name

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week

Regular Features

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