To kill everything I am
I throw myself away into the Wasteland (the Wasteland)
I kill everything inside my head
all the good wishes in my heart
'cause I'm a demon
destroying my own flesh
like a fire-pit of Heaven's angels falling from the sky
peppering my bloodthirsty escape
(from something that won't let me fly)			

To kill everything I am
I throw myself away
into the modern century
to survive in 2020
stay alive

Devour your best friend
calling it the trend

tell me how to stay alive
oh, how Time flies
now so do I
inside the Wasteland								

I'm just a little girl
far too camera shy
for the modern century
to survive in 2020

inside the Wasteland..

Love is in the air
I don't even care inside the Wasteland
I used to want it more than air

Love is in the air
Run your fingertips through my sulfuric hair
I used to want it more than air
I used to want it more than anything at all
I used to keep it in the Wasteland
beyond where I could never be
and run my fingertips through air
and run my fingertips through anything at all
inside the Wasteland
inside the Wastelend




They call jealousy an evil mistress
but she was the only one who granted my wish
she had what I needed, I needed to feel my own shadow,
the empty space it hovers over, it follows – 
and then you begin to unite all the wreckage
of light years apart blown apart by your silence
blown up by compliance
my home in the sun
it if forever gone
there won't be another one

They call jealousy an evil one but she has granted me my wish
all that was needed from me was to reach in and pull me up
by the reluctant appearance
the fear of loud voices
resistance to screaming
the hatred that fuels me 
the maskings of goodness
the trapping politeness
the life incongruous
it threw us around
it knocked us down each time
and it buried us underneath
Time against Time

and it buried us under the weight of ideas



I'm just a little girl
moving through the world
I'd not been here before
the world had fallen low
my demon brought me here
searching for her home
lured in by her scream
only she is who she seems
so I won't fight it


Beauty's in the eye
in my mind's eye
his third eye

the world has gone blind
but nobody can see

so we talk about, talk about
anything at all

in the war of images (of pretty pictures)
in the war of empty art
in a world of foolish hearts

I'm in the wasteland
I'm walking in the wasteland


My own jealousy is a volcano of fuel
I can use it to move around the world
I don't need your wheels or your loops
my clawing hands put before me
For there's a fire raging within
that would destroy anyone beautiful,
anyone more beautiful than I,
moving gracefully through the end of Time
around the Wasteland,
the home I never knew,
the arms awaiting me.
Embrace my enemy and be free

Wasteland

Very very rough recording of a song I wrote in 2004 with my parrot singing his heart out in the background. Will re-record without the parrot and hopefully a better piano and more practice as soon as I get the chance.

Marriage

The road to nowhere is calling again
and I must follow my heart
Cast off the weight of the rush and the musts
of the twenty first century plaque on our back.

All I look upon in this state
who have followed the golden path
started out brightly singing, hand holding, and dreaming,
ten years later went mad
twenty years later were sad

later in life still as lost as before
or taken a role in what they had run from,
but a fraction of who they could have become
were they able the call to ignore.

But in the garden dream that goes on unseen
they became a king, risking everything.
Must it be a trade of body for spirit?
Must we always yearn for it, yet fear it?

The golden path some call a disease.
It sneaks upon you from between the trees
and it calls and you follow if you're brave enough -
but after ten steps it disappears

And when you come out in the woods in the night
an no path can be seen, you're left wondering why
you left it behind you only to wind
up lost and alone and poor.

This is my fate, it seems to be -
wrestle over and over with this disease,
hope the reason will find me soon enough,
for I gave it all up to come out this way,
and I followed the music come what may,
even knowing it might be a spell

and that I might end up worse off than before
a disease ridden mongrel on the forest floor
chasing my own tail to no avail
finding nothing awaited me after all.

Nobody still knows who makes the call
nor why it falls so seductively
upon my ears to lure me away
from the daylight parade just to break my life down
in a manner that cannot be told.

I have been here so many years
and still I am burdened by nebulous fears
after so many valiant and ill thought-through risks
to step from the ledge right before I fell

but still I remain bound up inside some spell
in a world and a way that will not let me be
chasing after a light that comes on from nowhere -
but it's always, always flickering.

The golden path was given to me
just like I was born already wed.
And the winds and the ways of contemporary days
have little to do with what happens in me.

The Circular Path

I'm looking for a destination
as well as motivation to go
It lay along a distant byway
Backroads had always been my way

I took the road around for long years
When I was young I had no fear to live that way
I don't remember what I searched there for
It doesn't matter anymore

Who am I if I was never anyone?
Who am I if I have only just begun
to wind my way around another setting sun?
Who am I if I am no one?

Who am I if there is no one left to be?
She was somebody but she is not somebody
Who am I if I was never anyone but me?

And so I went along the highway
But then it didn't go my way
We led each other to a quiet distance
Now there is nothing left to say

Some years ago I met a family
They were all drawn to the sea like me
We met each other on a distant shore
That doesn't happen anymore

Who am I if I was never anyone?
Who am I if I have only just begun?
Who am I if I have only come undone once more?

Who am I if there was no one here before?
She was somebody but she isn't anymore
Who am I if there is nothing on this shore for me?

La la..

A thousand miles a thousand places
A million faces coming up from below
A thousand years ago began last morning
When I woke up it was zero

And memory is all that's left here
The relics soon they will disappear
The world I knew last night turned into history
When I woke up there was no me

Who am I if I was never anyone?
Who am I if I have only just begun
to wind my way around another setting sun?
Who am I if I am no one?

Who am I if there is no one left to be?
She was somebody but now she is nobody
Who am I if I was never anyone but me?

I found another destination
As well as motivation to be
I left it all upon a distant shore
There is no problem anymore

Who Am I

self-abandonment
self-abandon once again when you're on your own
it happens every time

self-abandonment - it happens once again
self-abandonment - it feels just like a friend
it's self-abandonment – never changes
after every spark I end up sitting in the dark

self-abandonment – it's just what happens in the dark
self-abandonment – it breaks my little heart
God kisses me
and oh he misses me
I know that God must have a plan – to kiss me once again
he'll kiss me once again

they say a white woman and her dog are an abomination
destroying the nation
if you can't find GOD in a DOG then maybe you're the dog
and you will be put down

many plans
God has so very many unfolding plans
unspoken plans

when he lets me glimpse a bridge on the abyss
he reflects my loneliness
and I know togetherness – then he's gone
left me with a vision to hold on

self-abandonment – it makes my world so small
self-abandonment – there's nothing left at all
I self-abandon – there's nothing to do 
but fall into and wait for God to call
and for nothing at all

self-abandon – I haven't had a friend
it's self-abandonment – it's quiet in the end
and there is nothing going on
I ate the little spark that's in my heart
shared between two – devoured into none

I can't take one step without God pushing me
and oh he pushes me again to be alone
it's just the way I like to live my life

they say when you are sitting alone
that's when you're closest to your truest form
I don't have to make plans, I don't have to pretend
to like anything about the world at all

philosophies reduced to paper sheets that crumple in the dark
all their lives reduced to long-forgotten art
he'll kiss me once again

God is the mystery
and how he misses me
and how he hides within his plan...

there's unity – then annihilation
for reality – give up your brightest fantasy
I pay the cost every time that I am lost
waiting for him to return
reignite the little spark in our home

and he'll kiss me once again,
I know he'll kiss me once again
in the end
he'll tell me about his plan
for me and him

you're like a song that went through my heart – remains as the shape of my mind 
you're like a song, you're here then gone – left no trace of self behind
you're like a song that went through my heart – remains as the shape of my mind
you're like a song that went through my heart

Kiss Me Once Again

If you can't see, then close your eyes
The years rush over - slow down Time
The beautiful resides in life behind the mind, unseen

I sit alone beside the sea
My only one for company
Besides the stars and rocky shore that lies beneath my feet
The sea and I converse more closely than two landlocked men

I talk to none inside the world
I left that place to be alone
Out here I have a friend who's everywhere and hears my call

My cry to him seems never done
Bursts out of me in shapeshift form
A million ways and roads that say and lead to the same - home
One long unbroken song that plays one note - I hum along
My hands move to it, my eyes through the veils pierce to the core
Inside of everything around me, but - I still need more

Manifestations for the one,
One story, one painting, one song,
One truth, the mirror for the only lie we carry on.

***
written in 2013, not my favorite version but alright for now

Ocean Hymn

I was sitting underneath of the old oak tree
when my love walked by and he said to me
I have searched for you be my company
from this day on

He took my hand and we went along
everywhere we go hear the marriage song
it's a long long road as we wander home
or to the sea

We are foreign strangers everywhere we go
overhead the birds sing along in tow

Time venerates youth over all
ripping through its years like a waterfall
it slows down to a steady brook
until it's gone

Folk shake their heads and babble on
with no clue of where all the time has gone
I look to my love to know where I belong
in this cruel world

There's a lighthouse rock in the middle of the world
people come and go who were never heard

A distant call that I overheard
I watched him go to the underworld
the cries of demons I have heard
ever since

I hear him ride for the one above
the search for truth is the search for love -
I don't need to speak or be spoken of...

Dreamsong (Traumlied)

I was sitting underneath of the old oak tree
when my love walked by and he said to me
I have searched for you be my company
from this day on

He took my hand and we went along
everywhere we go hear the marriage song
it's a long long road as we wander home
or to the sea

We are foreign strangers everywhere we go
overhead the birds sing along in tow

Time venerates youth over all
ripping through its years like a waterfall
it slows down to a steady brook
until it's gone

Folk shake their heads and babble on
with no clue of where all the time has gone
I look to my love to know where I belong
in this cruel world

There's a lighthouse rock in the middle of the world
people come and go who were never heard

A distant call that I overheard
I watched him go to the underworld
the cries of demons I have heard
ever since

I hear him ride for the one above
the search for truth is the search for love -
I don't need to speak or be spoken of...


Traumlied (Dreamsong)

Before I fell in love, 
life was so clear
oh before I fell in love, 
I knew what tomorrow would bring
now you 
you
I don't want to see
you never call or tell me anything.
You struck a chord I'd kept closed off, locked away
for my plans to come forth, so clear.
And I don't know you
I never will
but you are in this melody
I love you
I love me
Love the terrain 
that keeps me chained
to no memory

First Night

jealousy makes me hate instagram
jealousy makes me call image a sham
jealousy makes me puke out a tweet
tweet tweet tweet angrily they dislike you retreat
jealousy makes me hate these words
from a news anchor's mouth could it sound more absurd
jealousy feeds presidential flies
jealousy jealousy saves my behind

jealousy when i wake up, with bread
jealousy when i wake up, alone
jealousy for every passing home
jealousy for every flash of hair
i'm a jealous bitch with a meek little smile
classic conditioning made me this vile and i'm still a child when i could have a child
now i'm alive - it's cause now is when i am alive

a jealous mic is an honest microphone
pass it around to me you've had your turn
and now all shut and listen to me
i finally finally finally
have nothing to say
what can i say
that hasn't been said or rendered dead
or preemptively dissected by another
much cleverer readier friendly competitor
leveraging tech wizardry to make use of the king
it moves so fast you can barely blink
i certainly cannot so rapidly think
my presence is shrinking and
i'll fall behind watch the spotlight prey on another much younger with longer hair
in 52 seconds nobody will care 'less her hair is pink before they could think of that, too

i'll run run in place pedal to the metal square that's sitting upon my face
lest i lose all the nothing i got in exchange for my days
wrapped in pictures my life in a haze

all hail instagram, king instagram
tag him and he will spare your life...

Classic Conditioning

FREEDOM... FREEDOM...
FREEDOM... FREEDOM....

mysterious
praiseworthy
entity
in front of me
how loved
you are

for the world
do you know
what you bring
what you are

it's a mayhem
it's a coming storm
it's exactly what we've been waiting for

it is the coming light
we are the waiting din
sleeping passengers with enough dreams

FREEDOM.... FREEDOM...
FREEDOM.... FREEDOM..

GRAB YOURSELF BY THE COLLARBONE AND DON'T LET GO NO MATTER WHO WILL SING FOR YOU
OR TELL YOU
TO BE TRUE
TO THE FREEDOM IN YOU

I find freedom
in my country
under my bed
turn off the lights

there is freedom
in the country
eating up
the little towns

there is freedom
in the wild things
in the road trips
through the Never

I know freedom
I don't know freedom
I'm a slave
I'm a slave

the only thing I believe in is the empty space in the center
that can never be filled with being
no, can never be filled with being

the only thing that's real for me is everything that cannot be
all that never has been before
all that never has been before

the only thing I believe in is the emptiness in the center
underneath it all
underneath it all

the only thing that's true for me is what cannot be touched
the only thing my freedoms know if gravity of shadow

it's a mayhem
it's a coming storm (it is a coming night)
it's exactly what (it's a coming storm)
we've been waiting for (never seen before)

it is a fading light
inside another star (inside a distant star)
a distant passenger (a coming passenger)
that I knew from afar

grab yourself by the collarbone and don't let go no matter who will sing for you
or tell you
to be who
you are

you're a freedom
you're a freedom
running after a dying kingdom

you are the fading light
inside a new beginning (inside a distant star)
waiting for the end (that I saw long ago)
to ring (from such a great afar)

mysterious
praiseworthy
entity
inside of me

renewable
nuclear
energy
of the bomb (the nuclear bomb is me...)
is me (the renewable bomb is me...)

(I'm in love with the renewable bomb)
(I'm in love with the nuclear bomb)

freedom... freedom...
freedom... freedom...

it's a nightmare
it's a drowning God
coming up from under the underground

it is the fading light
inside a coming star
that I saw long ago
from such a great afar...

(
it's a nightmare
it's a drowning God
coming up from under the underground

it is the fading light
inside a distant star
that I saw long ago
from such a great afar

mysterious
praiseworthy
entity
inside of me

renewable
nuclear
energy
of the bomb...
)

(
I know freedom
I don't know freedom
I'm a slave
I'm a slave
)

Renewable Nuclear Bomb

Lover
I hope you know I'm longing
for us to find ourselves
together in this world again
You know I'm holding on
to what I found so long ago

Lover
your voice rings out so quietly
beneath the world of noise
that's banging on my door
resounding constantly
shattering it with one note

Oh lover
I hope you know I'm with you
we'll tear down the establishment
just with the way we step
You bring the ammo
I'll bring the camera

Lover
you know that they will find us
We'll hide under the underground
until the world is ready
writing our own dictionary
of phrases censored quietly

Oh lover
I feel you reaching out to me
when I do not expect
and never when I need it
to tell me of the pain
born inside the world we bring

Oh my lover
our bond it is so fragile
I have carried it o'er the land
as long as I could carry
You know it's going underwater
fading out of memory

Lover
I hope you know I miss you
and that I'm walking through this world
in a world no one can see
You know that I'm still holding on
to what is waiting there for us...

My lover underground
is waiting for me
My lover underground
is longing to be free
My lover underground
is sitting by himself
I'm living by myself
so far above the Earth
I'm walking by myself
all over the Earth
I'm longing to be free
I'm longing to be free
I'm longing to be free
I'm living by myself
I live upon the Earth
I live inside myself
I'm longing by myself

Lover

https://renewablebomb.bandcamp.com/
https://www.youtube.com/@renewablebomb

renewablebomb

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