It's A Beautiful Day

Then came the sound: a squeaky wheel and an authoritative *ding-ding*.

From the front window, a figure loomed. Clad in a high-vis vest, knee pads, and mirrored sunglasses, a security guard on a child-sized BMX dismounted with all the grace of a wet ferret. The words “MALL PATROL – TEMP” were scrawled in marker on a white patch of Velcro on his chest. He stormed in, puffing as he yanked off his helmet.

“You Viper Higgins?”

“I might be,” Viper replied coolly, blowing a ring of mango mist into the air like a wizard at a vape convention. “Who’s askin’? Traffic cops finally figured out I’ve been using *granny mobility scooters* for my Deliveroo gigs?”

The guard slammed a clipboard down on the counter. “You’re in violation of Regulation 46B — Unlicensed Vaporous Retail Dispersion in a Non-Accredited Outlet!”

Viper blinked. “Regulation what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, Higgins! I did a three-day seminar in Booterstown. This is serious business.”

Viper leaned forward, resting his elbow on a jar of cotton coils. “Look mate, the only thing I’ve been dispersin’ lately is positive vibes and moderately addictive fruit-scented clouds. What exactly do you think I’m runnin’ here?”

The guard narrowed his eyes. “An illicit vape ring.”

Viper chuckled. “Oh yeah? What gave it away? The *Buy 2 Get 1 Free* sign or the fact that half me stock is banana-flavoured?”

But the guard was undeterred. He produced a dog-eared notepad and clicked his pen dramatically.

“Where were you last Tuesday at 4:12 PM?”

“Here. Watching *Airwolf* on the mini-telly while restocking menthol pods.”

“Witnesses?”

“Only my mate Clint, but he was trying to build a homemade taser out of a toaster so he’s a bit... distracted lately.”

The interrogation escalated. The guard paced back and forth, wheels on his bicycle squeaking ominously with every step.

“You’ve been spotted dealing unlabelled liquids out the back door.”

“Those were just samples from Barry in Latvia — completely legit. He even sent a handwritten note in Cyrillic, very personal touch.”

“And what about the unauthorized fog event reported last Friday?”

“That was a leak in the citrus lava tank. Nearly passed out meself. Had to crawl to the front and text me own ambulance.”

The guard scribbled furiously. “You're *this close* to a fine, Higgins.”

Viper squinted at him. “Mate, you’re wearing elbow pads and guarding a vape shop on a pushbike. No one’s close to anything here.”

Silence settled for a moment. The guard, clearly out of steam and dripping in sweat from riding uphill through a car park, finally sighed and flopped into the shop’s inflatable chair, which hissed indignantly.

“I hate this job,” he muttered.

Viper slid a tropical melon pod across the counter. “On the house.”

The guard sniffed it, then slipped it into his pocket. “Still writing you up, you know.”

“Course,” Viper said with a smirk. “Wouldn’t expect any less from Castletown’s finest.”

The guard rose with a grunt, adjusted his helmet, and exited with another *ding-ding*, the bicycle wobbling wildly as he peddled into the sunset.

Viper took another long drag and muttered to himself, “Should’ve offered him the dragon’s nipple.”


viper higgins higher than the sputnik when I was eleven  fan boy remix

With each new release, RobotBassMaster5000 continues to captivate audiences with his futuristic soundscapes, infectious energy, and unwavering dedication to his craft. As he evolves and explores new sonic territories, his influence as a musical guru and trailblazer only grows stronger, ensuring that RobotBassMaster5000's name will be forever etched in the annals of musical history.

viper higgins higher than the sputnik when I was eleven fan boy remix

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