Again working at this job I sometimes would get caught between the corporate policies and the customers own frustrations.  I would have high up officials in the company demanding of me to just explain to the customer there is no answer, and expecting that to be good enough.

I couldn't lie to them, but I was suppose to make them think the opposite answer that they wanted, or ANY wanted was suppose to be acceptable while still proving the best customer service possible.  

It's a sort of impossible task, that took big chunks of my day when happening, and eventually you start worrying that it's going to happen again and you're whole job is just avoiding these conflicts between what the customer wants and the reality of the companies limitations...

you know while trying to maintain a profit for both my business and the business we're serving.

Tack

I should care because no one else even knows how to

I don't even have a clue what this is beyond the same story of sleep.  

It's restless music, I think.

Resume

Full Night

I think that's a great title, look back a year later writing this.  It's not destroying fear. I don't have much fear, that's sort of the problem.  I am don't use fear to motivate me, in some attempt to run away from my past or my future.  I am accepting of fate and see the consequences.

What I really want to do is to destroy the fearless part of me and have some useful motivation in my life based upon the fact in life that everyone else seems pretty scared shitless of.  I found there's nothing really to fear, but fear itself.  To have fear is irrational, but to have concern for finding answers is what should be there in place.  

Rational look at what is wrong, if it's wrong, how to improve it, and if possible, prevent it from happening again.  I can name countless examples of it, but the time I screamed about the problem or got angry at it, especially when it's not even within my control at all is not how I see myself.

If someone is angry at me, I might respond in mirror empathy. I don't like to escalate, but tit-for-tat is escalation too...

Destroy Fearless

This would describe the vision.  The goal. The attitude. The direction. The angle. The movement. The heading. I use to always want to head up, head north, move forward, at the interesting angle to everything in life.

Now it's just the same as before.  It's monotonous, and without real dedication.  It's not sadness, but it's not really enjoyable. I always assume no one really cared about myself, but really I never cared about them so I guess I am even.

I wish there was some way to engage with and fulfil people.

Complete Lack

There was a time I set that I was going to 'give up' and I was past there by now.  I thought it was fear, I would think laziness, but now I think it's courageous, but really it's all because of simple interest.

Curiosity. There's some questions that I want answers to that are still left open, that I think I made for myself and hidden from myself.  Being able to fool myself is question enough of what did I do?

Why did I do it, I could almost always answer with 'because I could' but even then the answers feel almost too simple.  The rest was part of a longer plan, longer than I could imagine, and still going...

It's not Game Over it's just Way Over at this fucking part of my life.

Way Over

I sick without a virus.  I was tired while never leaving bed.

I was asleep in my life without being active.

I've carried myself across a lot of goals, after running past other goals, after sprinting to other goals.

Eventually you pass so many goals, and just see so many goals to come, and wonder when your done.  Goals in life in themselves are hard enough to find, let along cross.

I think I just need to build myself a better life if the one I have now isn't good enough, and I wish I spent my life previous doing that before much better than I did.  

I tried when I could, and it still left me completely alone and feeling like a failure and broken and broke with nowhere and no one to turn to.  I don't blame anyone else but me and take full responsibility, but I still find crying at the dark at no one still EXHAUSTING.

Confused and rattled and torn and ragged and frustrated beyond measure.  I know a lot of people would rather I be better than I am, and I tried to be the best that I could possibly be, which means my best was NEVER good enough for anyone in particular.

I was a failure not only to myself but to everyone I ever loved.

What a beautiful life.

Tired Sick

To be honest I knew I should have taken a stand to fix my life.  But when you take as stand against your ownself who actually wins and who loses?  

What do you do when the villain of the story is your ownself and he must defeat the hero of the story that is ALSO you. It's an internal struggle, an argument, against a bully that is the victim,  Even when people are there to support you, they are also attacking you.

I don't think it's just my own self I am letting down, but also maybe just a different course in life I am interested in.  You have to destroy some part of yourself to change. Some part of your life. Some aspect that you built up during your life.  Some wiring that was wrong, or not as effective as it could have been.

Something that's not really broken, but more just out dated.  Like milk that's spoiled.  The milk of motivation?

I had a purpose before...

Stand Up

Now this track is more about the feeling that comes when I try to sleep, as most of this album is about sleep if nothing else.  This would be anxiety.  The choking feeling.  Worries about how I would afford to eat, rent, what to do next, if I should continue.

It's just the normal things everyone must feel when they goto bed.  Dramatic climax before exhaustion sets in and you fall asleep after a night long struggle with mortality and anxiety.

Coming Tonight

There's not much to say about this, except during this time it wasn't much that I wanted to be around anyone, and the few people I did know I kept away.  I had made friends at my work with a couple of really nice people that I didn't even call or talk to that really did care about me that I do regret not seeing after.

There was always this notable hesitation in anything I did.  A reluctance.  I am sure everyone goes through it in their life and at some point, but I usually feel like I am helping people by staying away, than really trying to avoid people.

I love being social.

Stay Away

The only other thing I would find myself doing other than working on music during the year was sleep.  It wasn't always a restful sleep but the dreams that came were mild, like memories or videos of my past.  They were not about my future as I rarely have dreams that Freud would call 'wish fulfillment'.

Instead I see my dreams as just a departure, like a ride down a stream of murky water that's filled with a mixture of my own thoughts that I ride upon the surface of.

The few dreams I remember of there being action and drama always feel like I am in a movie or a play and that none of it is real or meaningful, and just set up for the sake of melodrama.

Without nightmares is how I live every night, and since I've either faced my fears and don't have a guilty conscious about me I don't really fear much at night, and just drift through sleep lazily, like ripples over placid water.

Sleep While

I was going through some depression after the holidays since it's around this time my parents passed, and I lost my job from just lack of motivation to even leave bed and this is the song that I spent time working on and just falling asleep making not even wanting to make games or look at a videos or do anything.

It's a year later and I am starting to feel like a normal person again even tho this was the sound of my state of mind for a while.  

It's droning, and descending, and harsh, evolving without really changing. It doesn't even really end, it just gives up at some point that's not even really detriminate.

How does depression feel? Terrible really.

Terrible Really

If you can check out @halphprice @cliffordwolfenstein @worthlesspos and @fireneverlies for some different music of mine.  Most of the music on here was made for a video game I designed up so I just wanted something oddly hypnotic in a sort of retro way.  I am petty proud either way.

Rocket Monster King

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