THE ACT OF MY ADORING

I recently found myself sitting alone inside a chapel,
and it almost felt like it had been against my will. 
You see, the “God” thing is an issue with which I’ve always grappled,
from a very young age, and even now still.

The truth is, that if “He” is really some being up in the clouds,
there are a lot of things that I’d never have the guts to say.
Because I’m the type of man that needs to speak his words out loud,
with my thoughts so scattered, there’s no other way to pray.

As a result, I’d always felt that I needed to be alone when I approached Him,
if I were to ever express myself to my creator the right way.
Else, it’d be another session of the groveling and the praise,
and my true feelings would go unanswered another day.

So I sat there, alone, in the dark, one early Saturday morning,
on some uncomfortable chair, way there in the back,
and there, in that moment, I dropped the act of my adoring,
allowing the deepest rooted feelings to unpack.

I said, “You son of a bitch. How could you? Everything’s a mess.
You bore me into a life of violence, death, and rage.
I find it hard to sit here and act like I considered myself blessed,
when you decided to give my sister cancer at such a young age.

That child suffered for the sins of her family, scared and confused,
and for a year we watched her whither, tubes in her chest.
She never got to live a life, free of sickness or abuse,
but even in her final moments, she smiled and did her best.

And how you expected the rest of us to somehow grow up normal,
is a prospect I’ve worked my whole life to understand.
And how you expect me to speak to you in some sort of language of the formal,
or believe that I’d ever be willing to somehow want to take your hand.

It was You who set the tone, so early on for me,
for everything that followed for decades after that.
They all told me it was Your will, that I’d just have to wait and see,
what kind of purpose it was for me that you were getting at.

But I called bullshit on that lie, when I was practically still a boy,
believing you to be right up there with Santa Claus,
because you stole from me a life that any human could enjoy
and somehow expected me to thank you and applause.

So here’s the deal, from here on out, these little “talks” may be more frequent,
because a part of me wants to believe you’re really there.
But if you expect my faith in you to be any kind of decent,
then you need to show yourself somehow, that’s only fair.

And I’ll continue to try to be good, to help those who are in need,
because my one goal in this life was always to be a good man.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s all about which wolf you choose to feed,
so I’ll try my best to feed the good one whenever I can.
Amen.”

So I sat there, alone, in the dark, one early Saturday morning,
staring out into that chapel that was pitch black.
And having made the effort to drop the act of my adoring,
I sighed relief at the weight I’d just gotten off my back.

For as I stood up in total silence, and made my way toward the door,
I quietly wiped the tears from off my face,
and I crossed back into the hallway, my body weak from the war,
I realized that even sitting there just now was a leap of faith.

The SCI Sessions

The Act of My Adoring

"The Act of My Adoring"

The Bedroom Covers: Volume II

Fast Car

"Sometimes I Rhyme Fast (Car)" (ft. Drew Torres) originally by Tracy Chapman and Nice N' Smoov

What Came Before

The Miles In Between

"The Miles In Between"

My Own Reflection

"My Own Reflection"

Whisper

"Whisper"

Reason For The Sound

"Reason For The Sound"

The Wedding Gift

"The Wedding Gift"

There was a time that I believed
that the very thing that I need
is a healthy sense of self respect and dignity.
This self empowered sort of drive
helped me keep a dying dream alive
and develop strength and confidence in my abilities.

And now I think I'm ready...

I've learned to be the person that I'm supposed to be,
and I've learned that this world isn't just about me,
and I've learned to be the person I'm supposed to be,
and I've learned. I've learned.

They make knock me for my ideals,
for the things I do, for the way I feel,
but their words are paper bullets
and my skin is made of steel.
The urgency of this crusade
is just what I've tried to disobey,
as to not get trapped 
in the loveless bed I'd made.

And my desire to be that person has decayed.

I've learned to be the person that I'm supposed to be,
and I've learned that this world isn't just about me,
and I've learned to be the person I'm supposed to be,
and I've learned. I've learned.

Rebirth

Paper Bullets (Rebirth Version)

There will be times that you'll feel tired, 
oh there will be times you'll feel alone.
There will be times that this world
will make you feel so small,
but in this moment I hope that you will
remember to call.
I hope that you will remember to call.

There's never shame in feeling hopeless.
Everyone's entitled to feel down.
We can all stumble
and find ourselves far from alright.
But in those moments I hope that you will
remember to call.
I hope that you will remember to call.

I know it can be so much easier
for people like us to suffer in silence,
to close the shades and windows,
and welcome all the horrors of 
self loathing and violence.
But, if you can pull yourself away
from all the wreckage of your pain,
I promise you could see yourself the way I see you
but until that day, I hope that you will
remember to call. 

Oh, I hope that you will just remember to call.
Please, God, remember to call. 

I know it can be so much easier for people like us
to just remember to call.
Oh, remember to... and I'll remember you.

Remember To Call (Rebirth Version)

I spend all of my days
thinking there's gotta be a way
for me to shake your memory from my brain.
You've haunted me for years
causing blood, sweat, and tears,
and at the end, all that I feel is shame.

And what do I have to show?
Where did all that time go?

But what you don't know,
is how much I
just how much I'll miss you, darling.
And before I go,
I'll walk for now
in your shadow. 

I've wasted so much soul
letting heartbreak take control
of every single waking thought.
Like an addict on the jones
I could feel it in my bones.
In my own head was the war I fought.

And what do I have to show?
Where did all those years go?

But what you don't know,
is how much I
just how much I'll miss you, darling.
And before I go,
I'll walk for now
in your shadow. 

I have found that the process 
of discovering who I really am
begins with knowing who I really don't want to be.

But what you don't know,
is how much I
just how much I'll miss you, darling.
And before I go,
I'll walk for now
in your shadow.

In Your Shadow (Rebirth Version)

I wish that I could find a way
to have you channel into my brain waves
so you could understand just how it is
how I always seem to end up like this

For a minute or two
yeah, that's all I need.
For a minute or two,
so I could explain it to you.

You see, on paper I've got everything I need,
the brains, the talent, the loving family.
But I reach this point where my mind starts to lie.
It tells me that none of it's worth it,
that I might as well die. 

That's when I wish that I could find a way
to have you hear all of the things that I don't say
so you could understand just how it is,
how I always seem to end up like this. 

For a minute or two
yeah, that's all I need.
For a minute or two,
so I could explain it to you.

Now, as I wander down this rough terrain,
in a constant search for those who share my pain,
I wonder if this is the wisest choice, 
this selfish way for you to hear my voice.

That's when I wish that I could find a way
to have you know, without causing you pain,
so you could understand just how it is,
and you don't ever have to feel like this. 

For a minute or two
yeah, that's all I need.
For a minute or two,
so I could explain it to you.

For A Minute Or Two (Rebirth Version)

If I could talk to myself at the age of five,
that terrified little boy, who just watched his baby sister die,
I would hold his hand as he grew past six and seven
and tell him never to lose his faith
as he searched for her up in the heavens.

If I could talk to myself at the age of twelve,
that isolated adolescent, who felt ashamed and overwhelmed,
I would hug him tightly as he described
all the taunts from the other boys,
and I'd buy him his first guitar
so he had a way to drown out all the noise.

Because with anything 
that I could say to them
at any point in time,
I would pass along the message
that it's okay to not be fine.
That it's okay to fall down
face first in the dirt,
but it's important to feel
even when things hurt.

If I could talk to myself at the age of eighteen,
that kid who never quite felt the love
that a growing boy so badly needs,
I'd tell him not to care about the money
that everybody else seemed to have,
and I would hand him my cell phone
so he could finally call his dad.

If I could talk to myself at the age of twenty three,
that struggling singer feeling his first brush with humility,
I would warn him not to numb himself
by finding solace in a bottle.
Because, before long, his addiction would take hold
aggressive and full throttle.

Because with anything 
that I could say to them
at any point in time,
I would pass along the message
that it's okay to not be fine.
That it's okay to fall down
face first in the dirt,
but it's important to feel
even when things hurt.

If I could talk to myself at the age of twenty nine,
that hollowed out man
who'd long since lost control of his life,
I would grab him by his shoulders,
shake as hard as I could,
pleading with him desperately
to get the help that he should.

Because with anything 
that I could say to them
at any point in time,
I would pass along the message
that it's okay to not be fine.
That it's okay to fall down
face first in the dirt,
but it's important to feel
even when things hurt.

I Talk To Me (Rebirth Version)

Last night, I had a beautiful dream
that I bought our old building on 41st Street.
And I took over the upkeep of the place where we used to sleep.
I knew I needed some assistance, so I placed the call.
Then some friends that I could count on helped me tear down the walls.
And brick by brick, we watched that building fall.
Then I toiled and I slaved for months at a time,
structured life from its foundation, crafted many a rhyme,
and I built you a home of beauty from the grime.

Not a day goes by I don’t wish that this whole thing was just a dream,
that I’d wake up in the morning and you’d be lying next to me.

From the floors, to the ceiling, down to every beam,
I designed all to follow a particular theme,
and filled every open space with all your favorite things.
I made a room for you to dance when you felt the need,
put a hammock in the yard, out beneath the trees.
Every level of the house held another story to me.

Not a day goes by I don’t wish that this whole thing was just a dream,
that I’d wake up in the morning and you’d be lying next to me.
But as the months pass by, I vanquish in the soul of your memory.
Now I’m three years down, and six lovers deep.

Last night, I had a beautiful dream
that I bought our old building on 41st Street.
And I took over the upkeep of the place where we used to sleep.
I knew I needed some assistance, so I placed the call.
Then some friends that I could count on helped me tear down the walls.
And brick by brick, we watched that building fall.

Not a day goes by I don’t wish that this whole thing was just a dream,
that I’d wake up in the morning and you’d be lying next to me.
But as the months pass by, I vanquish in the soul of your memory.
Now I’m three years down, and six lovers deep.

Six Lovers Deep (Rebirth Version)

Once upon a time, I watched you flourish
with a slew of hopes and dreams you chased
that we'd all nourish
but somewhere along the path you took
you lost your way.

And now every single day,
well I get up and I pray
for all the dreams you've held to finally come true.
For your demons to go away,
that you'd keep them all at bay,
and you'd finally live a life like you never knew.

I've been watching patiently from a distance
your never ending struggle to find the path
of least resistance
where you always seem to inevitably come up short. 

And now every single day,
well I get up and I pray
for all the dreams you've held to finally come true.
For your demons to go away,
that you'd keep them all at bay,
and you'd finally live a life like you never knew.

We find this world and its people
aren't always up to what we expect,
and we stew, and seethe, and resent,
but you'll find a few short prayers
every now and again
might help you to get by,
no matter how silly it seems.

And now every single day,
well I get up and I pray
for all the dreams you've held to finally come true.
For your demons to go away,
that you'd keep them all at bay,
and you'd finally live a life like you never knew.

I Love That For You (Rebirth Version)

Running away never did anything for a man like me.
I always tried to escape,
to leave my actions in the dust and debris.

Well, here we are.
Where do I begin?
It's been about a decade since I last checked in.
And I could write a short novel 
about the places that I've been.
I look back on old photos 
of those twenty-something faces,
all of the memories,
all of the different place
that we never even thought
to stop and be grateful to be in.

And I remember now
that I can never do that again. 

Running away never did anything for a man like me.
I always tried to escape,
to leave my actions in the dust and debris.
Never did anything for a man like me. 

I think I'll start by keeping promises to myself,
take that advice that I'm always giving somebody else.
I swear to God, I'll finally leave this place.

It's hard to remember now
where I locked away the dreams I once held dear.
It's hard not to be bitter now,
but I'm trying to get better. 

I'm trying to get better. 

Running away never did anything for a man like me.
I always tried to escape,
to leave my actions in the dust and debris.
Never did anything for a man like me.

Where To Begin ft. Alex Bondarev (Rebirth Version)

Lately I have noticed 
it seems hard for you to focus,
and it feels like you are shrinking away.
I know that it seems dark,
in the lonely place you are,
and it seems more comfortable just to stay.
But whatever it is in your way
That keeps you from embracing today,
I hope it doesn’t hold you back for too much longer.

I hope it doesn’t hurt too much more.

The gift of desperation 
led to my own transformation, 
and was what I needed to bring me back to life.
I can tell you, having been there, 
when it felt like no one did care, 
those who wrapped their arms around me kept me alive.
And whatever it is in your way,
I always hope for you and pray
that you will get through this whole time so much stronger,
that it doesn't hurt too much more.

I hope it doesn’t hurt too much more. 

Picture, for just a minute, 
that the thing that plagues your spirit, 
is entirely of your own design.
That the conflicts in your life
by which you have been defined, 
are creations of an overactive mind.

So it’s time to silence that little voice that overwhelms,
and arrest the restless thoughts you find. 
Place your faith in something higher than yourself, 
and ask it for help to set these things aside. 

I hope it doesn’t hurt too much more.

Roots Reverie

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