Barbara Mason - Another Man

Funk Soul Music

In 1977, Billy Noknees was given what should have been a straightforward job—writing a track for a British public information film about the dangers of running with scissors. The task seemed simple enough: create a catchy, educational song that would keep children safe. Instead, Billy delivered Don't, a high-energy disco track so absurd that he was fired on the spot before he could even finish his first verse.

The session, recorded with producer Simon “Legsaloft” Armstrong, started off with cautious optimism. The film board had requested something upbeat yet responsible, hoping Billy could bring his signature groove to a track that would make safety lessons fun. What they didn’t expect was a full-blown disco anthem filled with increasingly ridiculous warnings that had nothing to do with scissors at all.

Billy strutted into the studio and, without warning, launched into the opening lines:

"Don’t run with scissors,
don’t poke a bear, 
Don’t light a match
near your own hair! 
Don’t shake a ladder,
don’t swim in the fog, 
Don’t ever, EVER
pet a rabid dog! ”

Simon, horrified, tried to stop the session, but Billy was in full performance mode, strutting around the recording booth, throwing in exaggerated “Oooohs” and “Yeahs” between each safety tip. The lyrics spiralled further out of control, with later lines allegedly including “Don’t keep a lion behind flimsy doors” and “Don’t fight a wizard alone after dark!!”

By the time Billy reached the second chorus, Simon had had enough. He stormed into the booth, ripped off his headphones, and declared the session a disaster. The film board was notified immediately, and Billy was officially dismissed from the project before he could record a second take.

The track was presumed lost, with Simon allegedly vowing to “never let the world hear that idiocy.” However, during a recent loft clearance, a rough mix of Don't was discovered on an old reel-to-reel tape, still labelled "Billy’s Safety Funk – DO NOT USE."

Now, remastered with the magic of AI, the track is presented in its original form—a dazzling mix of disco beats, nonsense lyrics, and Billy’s overenthusiastic vocal delivery. The original sleeve, found alongside the tape, features a stern looking Billy pointing out of the image with just the word Don't above him as warning.

So here it is: Don't, the lost public information disco anthem that never made it to British TV but is now ready to educate (or at least entertain) a whole new generation. Remember—safety first, disco second!

Funk Soul Music

Rudolf Dome

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