another shitty beat thing 
undone- kevin sherwood

Unwinding Film

Aurora

Zen Garden - Laura Shigihara
pvz
was good before I touched it too

this was almost a scrap 

Zed Garden

end of small sanctuary

a tribute to certain bygones, though they hadn't left at the time
The sample is really fitting
a calm before the storm

Capybara

silent hill shattered memories

I like that word..




Grandiose

liked the sound of this song i heard, so i fucked w/ it a little cuz I could 
Quantic - time is the enemy

Encounter

will we b ok?


Red was only the imagined best of self.
In reality, I was going through some of my worst.
Bad things happened, and there was nothing I could do about any of it, despite how hard I tried.
All the mixed colors, thoughts, and emotions created a big purple mess 
I like purple, but in this context it's quite possibly the worst 

no matter how blue, I'll make u warm

[Hermit]
The original version of this is fairly different, though the original beat can be heard within this at a certain point
I quite liked it myself


groceryshopbraindeath

Sapphire Tea

poppin'

i went up in flames































































bum a light off a mad cunt

stumbling in a silly sleepy stupor

I am happy with this, so I'll post it before I become unhappy 
It sounds weird but also good, I likely mixed it in a strange way (hardly an ounce at all)

I'm trying to be positive of my creations, but doubt is a strong force
I am no master, of course of course, though I wish I were not limited in the way I feel I am
 
 
https://on.soundcloud.com/S7cBz

my sanctuary

My track for "a xmas with the partygirls" 
art by 0m01d3J3wl3ry
PARTYGIRLS 2 TH DETH 
gonna get thrashed off eggnog and chrimmas cookies

SAYONARA SILENT LOVE

atelier meruru

sometimes a shell becomes a cage, tortoise with a barking head, the shell which once protected turns to bars staving back the free biting spirit, wings tied down, muzzle on the mouth 


MY UNUSUAL SELF

all bark no bite always speaking words and acting as if acting without action might actually suffice, really she is acting and spitting lies through her teeth

KYŌKEN

somethings wrong
I must have some sort of discrepancy up within this head of mine
I'm not doing the right things
im not doing things for the right reasons
not thinking the right things
not thinking things for the right reasons
I keep making mistakes
am I a failure?
I must get away from here
I must find purity within this life lest i wish to rot amongst the rats and the fallen
I cannot let this happen
am I really even a tranny? or just a normal faggot man
What even am i
ugly disgusting fuck
and its not about the looks
it's about my flesh its about my existence
people will say im a good person but oh oh
if only you knew
this rot built up inside of me is enough to turn away even the most gentle eyes
and youxhave no idea
it's hard to feel anything strongly anymore, I think
its always just anger, im always upset or frustrated
sometimes I cry
Sometimes I wish I cried more
sometimes I wish I threw up until I died, until I couldnt anymore
but it doesnt make any difference
wishes dont di any5hing, & im sure nkt gking 2 dk anhthing
im usel3ss

TEARS OF ANGELS

ive got mine, and im gonna make it
well at least thats what i tell myself, i know i gots to hold me to it

what i really wanna say i cant define

this was meant for FACETS OF FACE
im srry
im a mega grl failure
i shld stb myslf in th throat, shldnt i
othr than u, it's all I thnk abt
smtimes its hand in hand, i wnna b w/ u, but ths dstnce mkes me wnna kms
I want to end my self
i wnt 2 kll myslf
it'd b bst if I were gone
idk if I believe that but..
I often thnk it thru
mayb its tru
thngs go rite 4 evn a 2nd & thn smth cmes alng & kcks me 2 th ground & in the mud
& spits on my face
it'd b hot if it wr u, bt it's lfe dng it so i cn nly h8 it
i probsdeserve it... im nt any gud

I lv u, i wsh i cld sy it all dy vrydy
i wsh I ws nxt 2 u
ths wrld, ths lfe, its s crl..
i dnt thnk i'll mke it nywhre
im a wste of spce wh0re obsssd w/ lvng grls i meet nlne
ur so spcial, I wnt u so bd...
pls cn I b urs
evn if it nds up bng bad, 3vn if we dnt lst 4evr
can I cll u min3
i fl ths way 4 u, & I dnt evn fl rite sayng it
im sorry 2 u
im sorry 2 me
tht i lve u
tht i cnnt b wht i wnt 2 b
I'd lve u 2 th ends of th earth
but mayb im hopeless..
mayb im obsessed...
idk anymre
I wsh I ws hppy
I wsh we were hppy, in echothrs arms
I wnt to die I wn 2 die I want to die
all this anxiety all this wrry
pls wnt any1 save me?
for I doubt I cn sav my slf
im wrnn out & useless
I cnt hlp u, or ny1 els
wrthless idiot
im dsgstng
blck me & nevr spk 2 me... please..
for ur sake, 4 mine
i cnt bear ths
I dnt evn fl lk tlking 2 any1 nymre
I'll jst bcome a neet w/ no friends, no job, no fytyre, no lfe
a lot of thse thngs r bsiclly alr cmng tru

i h8 my body I hate my hairline I hate my nose I hate my face I hate my chin I hate my jaw I hate my shoulders I hate my upper body I hate my stomach I hate my eyebrows I hate my chest I hate my sides I hate my arms I hate hair I hate my lips I hate my front I hate my back I hate it when im referenced as a male I hate it I hate it I hate it
i would rather be dead
i shld just stay a man and get over it filthy fucking faggot I should gut myself and let what's within spillllllllllll mmmmmmmmmm
I should just tear my body apart and burn
I hate my legs i hate my thighs i hate this
I shld b grateful yk, ppl have it worse!!!
I shld jst get ovr it
whtevr
I shld jst gt it ovr with
its clear I was a mistake
i am a mistake
I dont belong in this wrld
it dsnt wnt me
i dnt wnt it
i shld jst do it alrdy
i cn imagine it now..
blood so warm
death is probs cold but at the same time
so so releasing
so so warm
its like coming in from the cold that is life
and bathing in the warm life that is death

hw lng do I hve 2 wait
he lng until it mght hppn 2 gt bettr?
when?
im tryng so hard....
is it evn enuff
am I jst lying 2 myslf
am I jst a lazy fat piece of ugly rotten garbage ?
so many questions & not nearly enuff answers
so many worries & not nearly as many reassurances
so much wrong
& it all lay within me
my own self is the problem
those around me r the problem
always bugging me so constant frequently
so pathetic
spout a lot of sh^t 4 some1 so fuckint stpid

without Spirit

ws mnt 4 strtchd thnnr.I kp mkng jnk, & tbh im mkng it nly s i cn hv a plc t pt thse wrds n tndm wth smth art, msc
i kp trng 2 ascnd wht ive dne, I keep trng to ascend myslf, bt im so rstrctd 2 rhs hmn & wrldy frm
i cn hrdly tll whts bd flngs n whtd gd bc thy all blnd 2gthr its all mntl slp its ll wrd grbg
i kp trng, bt evrhtn flls thru, i shld jst gv up it flls lke
ds ny1 actlly cre abt ny1, s ths wrld nt s cruel in sm prt f it? whre cn i fnd ths prt? wre cn i fnd m snctry, my hme, my peace
my heart
ds ny1 fl tht wy, d u fl ths wy?
id sy ur nt aln bt i sre fl i am smtms, vn w/ ppl who sy tht...
trthflly u r alne & ll u cn do is fite fite fght evrydy to b hppy ntl u cn fnd tht solution
ths msc is so ld, nt loud enf
its fckng jnk, its gd msc, its bd msc
it's lke my head, there's evrrhtng & nthng within it all at th same time
im sm knd of nutcase, basketcase, headcase
its case by case on a basis, ive no case for my constant irregular mental status, my musical, my artistic, my emotional stasis
every which way everyway everyday i think thats called a mental issue maybe i should take it to th doc and maybe i would if it wasnt time and money maybe i would if i could if it were easy if i wanted to take forever what a fucking waste im such glory i cant let myself fall and i must prove im so i must prove im so im im
obviously an unreliable narrator can't listen to a word my thoughts flutter back and forth like the wings of a bird up and down left right all the ways you can im bouncing around barking barking incessant like s9me kind of hound cab someone please just stomp my skull into the ground I know I wont
it must be obvious im only whining crying pining signing words to blind people speaking unheard words to the herd in my head the eyes gleaming with hungry festering lighr looking st me through the lookingglasses and covering my sight and might with gasses and smoke and fog putting me on ball and chain like they were pigs, hogs like im some kind of ugly bitch dog melodramatic, neruotic, some sort of pathic following no straight paths and if there's any they're very narrow very small keep running into things pushing my wheelbarrow of baggage luggage so empty so full its all there but nobody could see it If they tried unless they tried
even now im so afraid, to ask for help, to ask for aid, though ive asked before and I continue to ask, to beg to beg to hope im heard, yet still I fear, still I stay sitting still I stay near all the things that steer me to no longer want to be here and I couldn't leave them if I tried for it feels like the only real solution is to hide, to wake up to be told that in my sleep I'd died
it's like life is the issue and there is no tether, no tissue to gather my every rolling tear everytime I dissappear they'll tell me "I missed you" and sometimes I say I missed me too
I'm afraid to write and be seen as lesser seen as unwell though maybe im both, at the very least unwell, not the best
I'm afraid to tell people, even those i dnt know and it's such a pain, these societal chains, these walls these rules, these things we've been told, the things we don't realize
to me this world is covered in some kind of mold
it feels oh so cold, I don't want to live, nor grow to be a shriveled old soul, but still I continue to hold, not even because I'm searching for some kind of life of gold
I guess it's just that ive not let go
qhn cn I sy gdbye
whn do I gt 2 die
I nevr asked to live I nevr wnted to be born
why must I endure
and why do I believe in staying in some way
its a waste why cant I be buried in a grave why cant i just lay my heavy head down my heavy heart so filled with hate my mind so filled with these nasty thoughts of mine why cant I rip.them from their roots and let one bullet shoot cant I just get the boot kick the bucket say fuck it , my life why cant I chuck it
tell the world im living in to suck it
even though I know it wouldn't budge
im a waste of mud
but maybe that's stupid, im stupid
but maybe I'm wrong

within Mind

breakcorebreakcorbreakbreakbreak
I need me a break man cuz I think everyway I'm gonna turn and am turnin I think im runnin straight right into the ground into a big ole brick wall and rhats unhappiness and that's depression and limitations and man I hate beun human always wishing I was somethin I aint wish I was born somethin other than what i am wish I was never born at all in fact
limits of distance, cash, expense
Cost of living cost a lot and I dunno if it'll cost anything less than the loss of life man
I think im gonna cut my throat and my losses because im afraid I'll never cut it in this life
it would be a favor to forever act in fervor by finally finishing off my flaming fiery slf
Evn angels cry, jesus hmsef was nailed 2 a cross
thats all youll get out of livng
Im nt religious, if I was I'd b rtrdd
I hate seein those fuckin crosses and dumb ass shit
Jesus loves you j3sus
I dont need his damn love
I love me and mine and everyone is mine
in fact I might just be christ himself
I wouldnt be a damn bit happier if I had some sky father FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
Haha
everytime I get talkin bout this I dont wanna die half as much
Theyre wrong theyre wrong and im gonna prove it by sticking it out till I explode in some train terminal
crown of thorns nails in the arm
Preach what's good preach what's holy but the rot is so rotten that it infests religion
pretend it doesnt pretend it's fine
sure thing
under the spell, walking on earth is feelin like hell
Capitalism so strong that even anticapitalism and liberalism and such is sometimes even just a method to promote your capitalism, to promote your position to get more wealth to get more followers
World full of rot and worms
And you could be the greatest person and still get burnt to a crisp
What a bleak fuckin life, is the way I see it but man really I aint seen a thing I cant see enough and really the truth is I wont stop till I see all I can till I drop dead or im stuck in a can man I cant get enough of not getting enough of not
aint nothin perfect, that's the truth
but man couldnt it be better?
why settle for less why settle for the least cant we wish for most yo cant we clean our hands of what's gross yo
Everyone wants to be on top
everyone on top wants no one but them to be on top
some peeps fight to equalize but what you dont realize is that they just wanna be on top too
power struggle, heart smother
Child is as blind as the mother
hate knows no bounds, it's like no other
but man love is a strong contender I try to be the best friend of many but maybe it's just to stall the thoughts of hate the thoughts of harm maybe ots just to hide what's within my mind
or maybe it makes me happy to make people happy or it.makes me happy to talk I hope I can change their hearts change their minds leave an impact do something good
maybe then I can blow my fuckin brains out
but who knows
as a natural state its like im takin tokes off a blunt
blowin smoke from my ears nose and mouth
high as a kite but never did inhale
breath shaky breathing in the fumes sickly as flaky paint breathe in the plumes particles small and rough like every bit of sand dunes and damn dude this shit is glassing me the way its so hot this shit is gas it would be gassing me if I were in the shower right now
guess I say too much say,throw,go too far speak further than my spit speak further than my fists but I do love walking im sure my fists could meet my words if I kept at it im sure if I was heard all that matters would be my words words are better than spit I reckon, by quite a bit
sickness in my throat everything plugged up like the holes of a boat, barnacles growing on the outside turning to a buncha batcha coral i think im turning infernal rotting to my core my crew too rotting falling to pieces
im nothing of note but I think im rather odd but to you im sure thats nothing interesting to you im sure you'd not like to know me
most people wanna bottle me up and throw me, or thats jst what I hope they wan

FACETS OF FACE

one day I might be everything I wish I were

SEIRYU

PROJECT42 (with downturn.)


so much for suzaku, so much for four, can hardly manage one
no legend, no falling of the dice in the favor I'd prefer
unlucky may i be
maybe im the misfortune
accept no help but wish always for it 
want more but look for naught but less
no method
i expect yet i do not do, or do i ever wish at all?
something i want, i do wish i already was so that perhaps i could do what i do better
im stagnant for the steps i take are in circular motion
vulture, and i am the carcass
i spill my guts across the sky as if rain falls at all in this barren desert brain
i am my ally and my enemy 
i am those who hate me and i am those who love me
these days those who love me are not stuck in the mind 
at least not the me that loves me
i do not use every tool i can
i actively avoid certain tools at times
all in favor of doing it my way
but will my way work out?
i say i do this to excuse my mind, to clear the fear ive left within
but fear grows and gets left behind
theres rot in my heart and smog upwards of the spine 
i have time
i have time
but i feel as if i have none
as if i dont have enough
is this purgatory?
a prison
a race track
everything is everything and nothing 
perhaps i only feel everything amounts to nothing
i fear my perception is distorted
does everyone see it? does it truly exist? 
i used to think i knew how to persist
but since ive seen my ability perish
off and on, to ash and dust sometimes it seems i dont know what i must 
i ask advice and give my own, yet i seem to forget or listen to none
helpless i hate feeling, yet too i feel solely responsible, like only i know how or only i can do
and its rancid
i hate the thoughts which fly my way
that is not me which resides inside
i will excise.it
these parts that rot
i cant fail now
after all this
i cant fail even in general
lifes a bitch
and i wont let myself be bitched
IM the one who should be bitching life
but no, im the collared dog
so to speak
in a way i am the bitch
i shouldnt be suprised
in fact perhaps i should get used to it
i should know
i feel i do know
this is how its gonna be
nothing can be done 
but in my current state i find it rather dim and so too are my eyes
grim is it
will i get used to it?
will i become what i wish to?
i almost wish i could see inside dates from another time
I want closure for that which has yet to happen
but i guess I'll just have to see it all myself 

stubborn, 

in pursuit of light

ugly fucking faggot ugly fucking faggot ugly fucking faggot 
you're a piece of shit 
get what you deserve get what you deserve
it'll be going in that direction again i reckon
good job
good job
and maybe she is right
spin your web, you really believe it dont you
maybe you're exactly what she thinks maybe maybe maybe
and here you represent yourself
as you cannot trust yourself, others believe they cannot trust you either
others know what you do not 
you're an appendage which must be severed 
i try i try i try
little things pry my skin, and i rip the chunks out
i slice and cut, plant the seeds to let run rampant
you're a piece of trash
you can't make music
you can't make a sentence
you cant make a connection
you let these things tear you down, and you're waiting at the bottom to bury yourself alive
or dead
I walk dead and I lay alive
i cannot make it
i cant i cant i cant 
here i am speaking to myself in the description of a soundcloud piece of shit song
song
song song song 
i just want to do right
i want to feel alive
i want to be happy and I'd like you to be happy
I'd like to be happy with my friends 
I'd like my friends to like me, I'd like to be a friend
I'm rotten
i know i am
if i were not
would they see me so
would they speak to me so
would i be so
liar
liar
liar
I
don't 
know
and we repeat
and we repeat
and we go on
and we give up
and we're alone
I'm not happy today
tomorrow maybe I'll be better
but I'll still be me
and that's not much better
I'll still look like this
I'll still talk like this
I'll still walk like this
I'll still scowl like this
I'll still cry like this
I'll still write like this
I'll still be a million facets of me 
I'll still be a million pieces people pick to see in me
I'm ugly
I'm a faggot
I'm a piece of junk
goodnight. 1:23 am apr 4 2034

till it happens

dont look
dont listen
dont acknowledge 
dont hear
dont touch
dont think
dont love

lydian

do you hate me
do i listen enough
do i do things right
am i making it about me
is there anything i can do to help
can i give my every waking moment can i give every effort into every word ive ever uttered to bring you up can i do a single thing
is it my fault 
do you love me do you love me
do you want to love me
is there something in your way?
yuck
yuck yuck yuck
you said what to her
you nasty fuck
I'll slash your neck ya fuckin perv freak
I hate the look of ya
I hate the look of ya
i need somethin to hate so i take a look at ya
I hope ya hate yourself
Get therapy, freak
get 
i aint any good
take my own advice


loony bin

dungeon abduction

Member of PARTYGIRLS Collective 
discord: .rubytea
I make all the coverart 
&& IM A GIRL!!°°!!

RythmSquid

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