instead of facing what i knew,
that i loved you
and you loved you,
i gave all until i was a shell
my face held nothing but a grey-milky disillusioned, disenchanted gaze that saw nothing but more of the same coming my way
and everyday was a struggle to stay
but i had made vows, made oaths, covenants
that i owed to me, to Him, if not to you
but, man, i was a hollow room
housing only the memories of who i once was
you'd tell me i'd given up
but that was never true
i gave everything away to you
and you gladly took
until my face held nothing but a grey-milky disillusioned, disenchanted front-facing stare
powering through the pain with self-denial and prayer
grasping at the hope that if i was faithful then i would be fulfilled,
grasping at the hope that it would get better
but it only faded into nothing
and that was His great mercy:
beginning again.


Great Mercy

the world is a different place than it was last year
 all the faces have changed 
i’m still here  and the buildings, they’re much shorter 
the air is cleaner  
it slips through my lungs 
pours through my pores 
reaches for more
 i sought mountains
 and when i reached their peak
 You were always there waiting for me
 now i’m seeking salty air
 twisting this wild hair  
kissing my skin 
with Your goodness 
and the truth is 
that i will never reach the end 
i will never want less 
and when all is left a mess 
 You have made me to see the beauty  
still 
and the truth is 
that i will never want less  
and when all is as it should be 
i will still seek mountains and oceans

Written In Portland

Healing requires a breakdown;
a heaving, weeping, messy acceptance,
a finality that must be mourned. 
So you sit in the darkness for days, months, years
until you are ready to creep
into the light
Your eyes are new. 
Your skin is fresh. 
You must learn to live again
and with every new step 
you marvel.
You stand in awe
of all that surrounds you now,
that you ever dreamt of denying such joy. 
Healing requires dying
and being reborn
with new eyes to see
everything a first time,
new skin to feel
touch like you’ve never known,
a new hope that remembers nothing of the former life.

Shelby George 1