5 songs for the holiday season.

All songs written and performed by Joel Dear. 

Cover design by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
I know it's only just December but my fires are burning low
I'm gonna need a little kindling to reignite the glow
I need some Christmas cheer, I need that little Yuletide lift
Or else I don't think I will live until the 25th
So let me listen to The Pogues, let me decorate the tree
Light a scented candle and eat gingerbread with me
And we can watch A Christmas Carol, or maybe Home Alone
You've gotta give me something 'cause I'm sinking like a stone

I'm gonna buy a bunch of presents just to feel that festive thrill
I hope this season is forgiving 'cause I'm gonna give my fill
I'll buy a box of chocolates, get you something nice to wear
'Cause that's the only way I've got to show you that I care
So let me listen to Bing Crosby while I am in the queue
Waiting to spend all the money that I have on you
'Cause I could never find the words (and wouldn't say them if I could)
But if I buy you something meaningful, perhaps it's just as good

I know it's only just December but my fires are burning low
I'm gonna need a little kindling to reignite the glow
I hope this Christmas is a good one, for calm as I appear
Christmas is the only thing that gets me through the year

So let me listen to The Pogues and let me deck the dirty halls
Christmas is the only time I feel alive at all
Let the new year never come! Let December never end!
It's my only chance to be a halfway-decent friend

Season's Grievings

Let Me Listen to The Pogues

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Artwork by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
If they say I was happy and carefree
If they claim that I seized every day
If they call me a friend to all women and men
I shall climb from my coffin and say...

Didn't you know me at all?
Who is this person you're talking about?
I never went out of my way to make friends
I never romped with my schoolchums in the spinneys and fens
I'd complain: "Nobody wants to talk to me!"
And when somebody tried to talk, I'd flee

What an adventurous soul!
What a dynamic individual you're describing!
But I made excuses and I bowed to my fears
I played Tetris till my brain was dribbling out of my ears
I appreciate these little white lies
But who are you really mourning?

When you say: "He was grateful for all that he had"
When you say: "He showed grace even when things were bad"
When you say: "He would not want us all to be sad"

If you call me a kind and considerate friend
If you claim I had no major flaws to defend
If you say I amounted to much in the end
You are wrong, you are wrong, you are wrong!

Didn't you know me at all?
Have you confused me with somebody else?
I sank like a stone, like a stone in a lake
I squandered my headstarts and I dwelt on my mistakes
Am I at the wrong funeral?

Is This Supposed to Be Me?

So why bother to make things better?

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Cover art by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
If the people you rule are complaining
'Cause they've noticed the system is rigged
If they're asking for all sorts of changes
But the changes they want are quite big

There's one thing you can do
And it don't cost a sou
So why open your overstuffed purse?

You don't have to make things better
You don't have to make things better
You don't have to make things better
Just tell 'em that things could be worse

Those four little words are quite potent
It's the perfect all-purpose defence
'Cause no matter how bad things have gotten
There's always a rottener stench

There's no quand'ry too dire
There's no bin too on fire
There's no maximum human adversity

And there's no need to make things better
Why bother to make things better?
You don't have to make things better
Just tell 'em that things could be worse

And, yes, there is room for improvement
And, yes, there is room for some blame
And, yes, when some folk seek employment
The employers don't look past their name

Roadblocks could be removed
Black lives could be improved
We could hear from a far more diverse range of voices

And, yes, you could make things better
Of course you could make things better
But why would you make things better?
When you could just say things could be worse

Things Could Be Worse

Hear it without the spoken introduction: https://soundcloud.com/shiny-tiger/when-its-autumn-no-introduction

Lots of songs use the arrival of autumn to represent the end of a relationship (e.g. Summer Skin by Death Cab for Cutie, I Dreamed a Dream from Les Misérables). I thought this was a bit unfair to autumn, so I wrote this song.

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Cover art by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
Summer is upon us
And it's heavy and it's hot
Birds and bees are bonking brazenly
But here, indoors, we're not

Instead we lie as far apart as our mattress will allow
Making every effort not to touch at all
Because it's sunny and we're sweltering and sticky with the sweat
That summer summoned with its stupid siren call

But when it's autumn, when leaves flutter to the ground
When it's autumn, love shall yet be all around
I'll get closer to you then
Than this repellent heat permits
When this cloying, clammy weather
Isn't weighing on my wits
We shall take off all our clothes
And we shall touch each other's bits
When summer ends
When autumn hits

I'd like to strike a match
And light a candle, set the mood
And cook a nice romantic dinner
But, for now, you'll not be wooed
Because it's nearly nine p.m. and the sun has still to set
Why light candles when it isn't even dark?
And I'm loath to turn the oven on - the flat is hot enough
Without me adding five or six gas marks

But when it's autumn
When the air is crisp and cold
When it's autumn
My advances shall be bold
Every night I'll lay the table
Light a candle, cook a meal
Whisper in between each forkful
Words of great romantic zeal
And once I've done the washing up
Perhaps I'll let you cop a feel
When autumn's arrow
Finds summer's heel

And if I could get to sleep
My dreams would take your breath away
I'd wake up full of good ideas
For games that you and I could play
But this bedroom is an AGA
And the bed's a baking tray
So come on autumn - don't delay!

When It's Autumn (With Introduction)

Lots of songs use the arrival of autumn to represent the end of a relationship (e.g. Summer Skin by Death Cab for Cutie, I Dreamed a Dream from Les Misérables). I thought this was a bit unfair to autumn, so I wrote this song.

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Cover art by Tora Lucy.

Original version with spoken introduction: https://soundcloud.com/shiny-tiger/when-its-autumn

LYRICS:
Summer is upon us
And it's heavy and it's hot
Birds and bees are bonking brazenly
But here, indoors, we're not

Instead we lie as far apart as our mattress will allow
Making every effort not to touch at all
Because it's sunny and we're sweltering and sticky with the sweat
That summer summoned with its stupid siren call

But when it's autumn, when leaves flutter to the ground
When it's autumn, love shall yet be all around
I'll get closer to you then
Than this repellent heat permits
When this cloying, clammy weather
Isn't weighing on my wits
We shall take off all our clothes
And we shall touch each other's bits
When summer ends
When autumn hits

I'd like to strike a match
And light a candle, set the mood
And cook a nice romantic dinner
But, for now, you'll not be wooed
Because it's nearly nine p.m. and the sun has still to set
Why light candles when it isn't even dark?
And I'm loath to turn the oven on - the flat is hot enough
Without me adding five or six gas marks

But when it's autumn
When the air is crisp and cold
When it's autumn
My advances shall be bold
Every night I'll lay the table
Light a candle, cook a meal
Whisper in between each forkful
Words of great romantic zeal
And once I've done the washing up
Perhaps I'll let you cop a feel
When autumn's arrow
Finds summer's heel

And if I could get to sleep
My dreams would take your breath away
I'd wake up full of good ideas
For games that you and I could play
But this bedroom is an AGA
And the bed's a baking tray
So come on autumn - don't delay!

When It's Autumn (No Introduction)

When It's Autumn

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Artwork by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
A wise old man once told me to observe this simple rule:
Have no fear of failing or of looking like a fool
What you'll most regret - the times you'll cringe to think about
Are not the times you fouled things up, but the times you chickened out

Now, there've been opportunities I've missed and later mourned
But these were not the times I wished that I had not been born
I seldom dwell on chances that I didn't take; Instead
I lament the times I didn't keep my thoughts inside my head

All those jokes that didn't land
Things that didn't go to plan
The failures and the faux pas and the flops
I open my mouth wide and my foot slips right inside
If I do nothing, I'll be better off

I sometimes wish life had a big red button marked 'RESET'
I'd take it from the top and change the parts that I regret
Shut my cakehole, be the strong and silent type instead
And overwrite the cringey bits that loop inside my head

But then again, I fear that such a plan would not bear fruit
If I could undo my missteps, I'd make more missteps en route
My life would branch off in some new direction, I am sure
And I would fall flat on my face as often as before

All those jokes that didn't land
Things that didn't go to plan
The failures and the faux pas and the flops
I'd fix all my mistakes, but I'd find plenty more to make
If I do nothing, I'll be better off

I don't know if you've noticed, but the world has gone to hell
I'd try to make it better, but I doubt it would go well
Improving people's lives requires intelligence and tact
I'm not the hero mankind needs, I'm just some clueless prat

So please don't look at me - I'd love to help, I really would
But odds are my attempts to help would do harm than good
When I reflect on all my past embarrassments, it's true
I'll muck it up and make things worse no matter what I do

All those jokes that didn't land
Things that didn't go to plan
The failures and the faux pas and the flops
If I try to save the day, I'm sure I'll just get in the way
So I'll do nothing and we'll all be better off

Better Do Nothing

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Artwork by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:

Don't let anybody, don't let anybody tell you
You can't wear that T-shirt
Don't let anybody, don't let anybody tell you
You're not a real fan
You don't have to know the whole story
To like where it's going
You don't have to name every album
Or pass an exam
You don't have to burn down a forest
With every single match that you strike
And you don't have to be an expert
To like what you like
Just like what you like

Don't let any of those gatekeepers tell you
You're late the party
If they tell you you're not allowed in
Don't believe what they say
You haven't missed much, believe me - I've been here since it started
The best people of all never show up on time anyway
Just 'cause you skipped the starter
You don't have to miss the main course
And you don't have to know everything
To know what you adore
And to know you want more

You're allowed to like a rock band
Without making that band your whole life
And you don't have to be an expert
To like what you like
Just like what you like

You Don't Have to Be an Expert

A spooky song for Halloween. 

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Artwork and handclaps by Tora Lucy.

Samples used under the Creative Commons 0 licence:
https://freesound.org/people/DWSD/sounds/171104/
https://freesound.org/people/Sajmund/sounds/132415/

LYRICS:
Keep close your guns and crosses
'Cause all my friends are monsters

Vivian, she's a vampire
When the sun's out, she stays in bed
She can't take its glare
And at a party I might
Take photos all night
I look through them in the morning
And she's not there

I send out invitations
But get zero responses
 I guess that's just the way it goes
When all your friends are monsters

William, he's a white-collar werewolf
He sits at his desk all day
And then he goes berserk
In the office, he's polite
But when he comes home at night
He lets out all the rage that he couldn't let out at work

We don't go out to nightclubs
We don't go out to concerts
I spend most of my nights at home
'Cause all my friends are monsters

And have you heard about Lily? She's the living dead
She used to have a personality
But now there's nothing left
She used to be a tomboy
Now she's just a zomboy
Spends all of her time at work
Or eating flesh

They once had hope as you do
As time went by they lost it
Where once they had humanity
Now all my friends are monsters

All My Friends Are Monsters

Ugh, not this guy again.

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Artwork by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
I think I've got a live one here
I think this time it's right
I've been working all weekend
And much to my delight
This one's looking just the way it looked inside my head
This time I'll be proud to share it once it's put to bed

But when the better bird flies in
The whole thing falls apart
He perches on my windowsill
And doubt fills up my heart
He cocks his head and tells me "I expected more from you
Be honest with me now: is that the best that you can do?"
And I say "No - I'll have another go."

I tried to write a second verse
Despite creative drought
The song was not quite long enough
It needed padding out
Words were hard to come by, but I wrote them, one by one
I guess I liked the tune enough to somehow struggle on

But then the betterbird came
And my confidence went slack
He spread his perfect wings so wide
They turned the daylight black
"I see you're writing me an ode," he whistled with a frown
"Have you included lines about my plumage and my crown?"
And I said "Damn! I guess I'll start again."

The Betterbird

Ho ho ho.

Written and performed by Joel Dear. Cover art by Tora Lucy.

LYRICS:
Compliments of the season, son
I have journeyed far - may I sit?
I can see that you recognise me
But I'm not quite as you imagined me to be
I get that quite a bit
I get that quite a bit

I'm sure you've seen me on television
In my suit of red and white
Well, I don't really dress that way
Outside of the ad campaigns
But at least they got my beard right
At least they got my beard right

Some people call me father
But a man of God I ain't
Some people call me Kris
Some people call me Nicholas
And some call me a saint
And some call me a saint

And yes, I've tried to do good in this world
Thought I could put a smile on every face
But if there's one thing I've learned, my boy
It's that even a saint can't spread much joy
Without leaving a little misery in its place
A little misery in its place

But I know what you're thinking, son
I know just what you're gonna say
This is my busy time of year
What am I doing sitting here
So close to Christmas Day?
So close to Christmas Day?

Well, actually, I'm here on business
Much as I'm enjoying your company
And as much as I love this inn
With its extensive range of gins
I'd stay all night if it were up to me
I'd stay all night if it were up to me

You see, it's not an easy job
Making every Christmas wish come true
I'd hate to tell you the places I've been
I'd hate to tell you some of the things I've seen
And the things I've had to do
The things I've had to do

Well, this year I got a letter from the USA
Penned by a girl whom you once knew
She doesn't care about presents or toys
All she asked me for is a boy
Yes, all she wants for Christmas is you
All she wants for Christmas is you

Ah - now the pieces fall into place!
I see your eyes go wide with fright
I know how love can be
But if you ask me, you're getting off easy
Ask me you're getting off light

Be grateful she wants you breathing
Be grateful she wants you in one piece
She could have asked me for your head
But I don't get the impression she wants you dead
So be grateful for that, at least
Be grateful for that, at least

No, I don't know what came between you
And I've no desire to learn
Could be you were right to leave her
I'm told she's a total diva
But that's none of my concern
That's none of my concern

I can see you eyeing the exits
But here's something to give you pause
Every bird in this gin-soaked nest
Is here at the personal request
Of jolly ol' Santa Claus
Of jolly ol' Santa Claus

Yeah, all these barflies are friends of mine
I've bought gifts for all of 'em in the past
Whatever I tell 'em, that's what they'll do
And I've told them to beat you black and blue
If you so much as stand up too fast
If you so much as stand up too fast

So let's do this the easy way
Time to wave the ol' white flag
No need for ropes and a gag
No need for a chloroform-soaked rag
Just get in the bag!
Get in the bag!
Get in the bag!
Get in the bag!

In the Bag

In The Bag

I actually wrote this song several years ago, long before anyone had heard of COVID-19 or social distancing. I hoped that it would cease to be apt by the end of 2020, but alas.

Written and performed by Joel Dear.

LYRICS:
My friends are far away
In places I will never go
Hiking up Honduran hills, or
Shuffling through the cold Canadian snow

But I dream of a destination
Somewhere I don't have to fly
A holiday, a long vacation 
Sitting staring into your green eyes

Let's stay inside
Let's bolt the door
Let's stay here where it's nice and warm
Let's go to bed
Let's never leave
Let's stay indoors

Who needs to see the Eiffel Tower?
Or some great big Chinese wall?
Who needs a round-the-world adventure?
I don't care about those things at all

I'm hot for a hotspot that's not got a lot of people nearby
I would die to lie right here and take another look into those eyes 

Let's stay inside
Let's bolt the door
Let's stay here where it's nice and warm
Let's go to bed
Let's never leave
Let's stay indoors

And even if we find ourselves
In Sicily or the Seychelles
I think I'll tick the box to vote for
Staying put inside of our hotel

May it serve us well
Let's bolt the door
Let's stay here where it's nice and warm
Let's go to bed
Let's never leave
Let's stay indoors

Let’s Stay Indoors

OH MY GOD, IT JUST DISAPPEARED!

Written and performed by Joel Dear.

LYRICS:
It's a Saturday night and it's sprawled out ahead
And it's vast and it's wide like a hot desert highway
There's nobody else on the road
And the road stretches endlessly over a hundred horizons

But then
There's something ahead
It shimmers and glows
Getting further away
The faster you go
And just as you see
What you're looking upon
It's suddenly suddenly suddenly gone

Oh my god...
Oh my god, it just disappeared...

So you slam on the brakes
And you skid to a halt
And you lean on the wheel
And you're wondering what you just saw
Will you ever see it again, or is it gone forever?
Was it ever even there?
Or was it a trick? A trick of the light?
A trick of the mind, or a trick of the night?
A trick of the dust on your dirty windshield?
No - it was right there, man, it must have been real!

But oh my god!
Oh my god, it just disappeared!
It's a ghost car!
There are ghost cars all over these highways, y'know

So let go
Nothing lasts forever
Not the week, and not the the weekend
Clench your fists and long to linger
It'll slip right through your fingers

And then it's the week
And then it's the weekend
And it's Saturday, Sunday, then Monday again
And it doesn't relent
As you zip through your twenties
And thirties and forties
And could we please slow this thing down?
I want to get off
I need to regroup
My head is a big bowl of vegetable soup
And how can I plan for a future that's hurtling towards me so quickly?
It's here
And it's gone

Oh my god!
Oh my god, it just disappeared!
Oh my god!
Oh my god, it just disappeared!
It's a ghost car!
There are ghost cars all over these highways, y'know

So let go
Nothing lasts forever
Not the week, and not the the weekend
Close your eyes and long to linger
It'll slip right through your fingers

Hold me
Only if you hold me too

Save me
Maybe
If you save me
Too

It's the end of the day and you wished it away
Sitting under the sword as it dangles and sways
(And it's no butterknife!)
And pretending your life
Stretches endlessly over a hundred horizons

But then
There's something ahead
It shimmers and glows
Getting further away
The faster you go
And just as you see
What you're looking upon
It's suddenly suddenly suddenly gone

Oh my god!
Oh my god, it just disappeared!

NA NA NA NA

Oh my god!
Oh my god, it just disappeared!
It's a ghost car!
There are ghost cars all over these highways y'know

So let go
Nothing lasts forever
Not the week, and not the the weekend
Live your life and long to linger
It'll slip right through your fingers

It'll slip right through your fingers.

Ghost Car

songs with too many words and nowhere to breathe

Shiny Tiger

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