striving to improve,
left me more alone.
theres things that I know,
that I know I can't share.
with each passing year...
I feel far more aware.
more alive, but also more alone.
my strength is sensitivity,
thats why I'm so serious.
committed to the cause,
I wake up everyday with a frown.
try to reach out, I'm used to 
helping others when they're down.
but when its the other way around,
I feel too much like a burden.
I crave intimacy,
but when I seek I'm uncertain.
staring at horizons,
thinking is it really worth it?
but a part of me knows,
that I know I have to change.
it won't come overnight,
I know I can't stay the same.
delay to gratify,
its sacrifices that are made.

lonely road

Artwork By Omar Baidaq - instagram @omarbaidaq

when I close my eyes to sleep,
and fold away the petals peacefully.
I wonder who may find,
as they wade through the brambles.
these notes I littered behind,
to keep my mind a little bit lighter.
and as the night lures life longer
than the day ever could illuminate.
I pray that you take me gently by the hand,
as you lead me down lanes stained in shroud.
the sole of my feet drifting to darker clouds,
as you shed away my skin from pride.
and strip back my eyes to starry wide,
I hope to stay with you a little while.
even though I know you can't always be near,
its more than enough to have you hear.

when I close my eyes

I've been here before so I recognise,
the tinge of sorrow between your eyes.
should I open up so you feel safe?
communicate to you that it's okay.

now I've been jaded by other's pain,
accustomed to carrying their mistakes.
project my blame so I don't make,
amends with my behaviour's wake.

but righting wrongs need wringing out,
you'll feel the same but with less weight.
when insight cuts down through the mist,
and leaves a knowing that will persist.

now needs are met with spoken truth,
a place to stand outside the womb.
how precious life can be without,
breathing shadows and believing doubt.

the world outside is wide and deep,
when meaning sinks inside your feet.
you learn to give and love with ease,
there's no time to live with make believe.

to answer that question to be or not to be,
follow the instinct to seek your remedy.
allowing change and letting wounds heal,
finally found what it feels to be real.

remedy 

remedy 🍂

splinters and shards those uncertain fragments,
that shattered like an urn falling 
from the mantelpiece.
the ashes of antiquity leave the room outdated,
a childhood lounge with a tribal chest.
curling figments and shadows carved
deeply in mahogany, shapes and figures
scratched in lines and shouting,
in language unknown and untold.
yet before we read we speak,
and before we speak we see,
and before we see we know.
the whole being before the parts derived,
when others taught that
"you are this and I am that".
so return to remembering,
the whole part dancing the primitive way,
before the child hoodwinked away,
we know which part and piece to play.

peace of whole

Written on January 1st 2023. First ever vocal recording in FL Studio with the Blue Yeti Microphone. 

Butter Does Melt

Cumulonimbus cries tears upon my face,
Living in the garden of industrial waste.
Moving at my pace, the clock count steps,
Preoccupied concentrating on my own breath.
Inhale, exhale man I’m focused on my health,
These patterns of the past don’t help,
Need to help yourself.
Don’t worry about them, Butter does melt,
It matters when you say it if its heartfelt.
Compliments same as collecting shells,
If you love something then you pick up and tell.

Instrumental by nine.two - https://soundcloud.com/ninetwobeats/beattape1

butter does melt / january 1st

metropolis of weariness my body gave up.
functional lethargy working ain't enough,
between rundown towns, the former collieries
overgrown by polymers polluting what's buried.
and trust me I've tried to tame myself to ordinary,
but I'm a rhyming mercenary and civilian life can't suffice.
when I was growing up pondering about my future,
told there's boundless opportunities,
and education will set you free. 
but now we tied to debt paying off college degrees.
its true when they say life don't come cheap,
this tension I feel when I slip into sleep.
reflecting on relationships that came and gone,
punctuating my life like an ellipsis...
it's interesting the things we omit.
detached, wandering headless like the horseman,
hallowed by dreams of a different fate.
I've got care to give but this need is endless,
to find what's essential and leave this place.

former collieries

a spirit that yearns far from diminished,
for it still knows of incandescent source.
which omits however faintly formed,
paths of light following abandoned warmth.

at night the moon still moves a knowing wave,
in lullaby to keep the soul awake.
until dawn where doves croon out in praise,
a symphony composed by your embrace.

a spirit that yearns

the old man stares out at the rosé ocean,
in memory of a youth misspent. 
he's lonely now and has no one to share,
the fish he catches from his boat.
one large beast escaped his grasp,
long ago when life felt easy...
he wonders how the fish is doing? 
if escaping death made swimming free.
or if like him he yearns for more
than sinking into wistful seas.

the lonely fisherman

Carnation moon in the sky,
thought you never even knew.
How I met you before I ever 
smelt your baccarat rouge. 
Pheromones on your neck,
the smart way you dress.
Little twirl I'm obsessed,
my caucasian princess.
Lead me far away with my vision...
used to stress bout being hurt,
learned to trust my intuition
so I know what is best.
All these things I can't say,
eclipsing all that I have.
You always ask me "What you thinking?"
when you already knew.
These words ain't enough...
Poetry ain't enough...
Arguing ain't enough...
How do I find a way to convey,
that all I need is your touch?
Language barrier no need to speak,
grab your hand meander through
these streets like a cold winter stream.
Spark a flame in the church
this ain't the first time we meet,
and it ain't the last...
Temporarily forget 
how you already knew the steps
to our divine dance.
Entwined on the bridge,
in a foreign land. 
And it's all overcast - 
breathing in the air,
without a care.
How can I be afraid? 
When I know that you're there.

carnation moon / already knew

Under the moon

under the moon

the ocean stared back at me and told me how to feel.

post-raphaelite brotherhood. 🍂

Sir Rayne

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