Near the end of the year 2014, an ordinary young man who went by the name of Sofaboy was on his way for the big weekly stamp collection club meeting. 

As he casually strolled along Brighton beach, he noticed something out of the ordinary, a dark flicker in the corner of his eye. His curiosity led him astray and the glint brightened as he was drawn closer and closer toward it's soulless gaze.

Until there it was, right below his feet. A tiny stone, no heavier than a marble, unlike any other stone he had ever seen. He immediately swooped it up into the palm of his hand and clenched it tightly to his chest.

Sofaboy ran to the nearest Cash4Gold shop, demanding this stone's worth. The cashier, with his back turned, wasn't interested in paying any more than five pounds until Sofaboy opened his hands, displaying the stone's almighty splendour. As the cashier glimpsed over his shoulder, the stone flickered once more and his pupils entwined with the mysterious stone's dark and powerful glare.

Out of nowhere, he clasped his hands over the stone and quietly claimed that this priceless object was out of his league. He informed Sofaboy of a secret Blacksmith who would forge this jewel with whatever object his heart desires which would grant him the power of dark magic. 

Sofaboy left the shop perplexed but with great excitement. He then proceeded to the secret Blacksmith's address.

Until there it was, an ancient looking English cottage far out of town, wrapped in a plethora of foliage. Upon entering, the Smithy reacted in the same way and explained the stone in the exact same detail as the cashier. He asked what Sofaboy wished the stone to be forged with, to which he unconfidently replied:

"A microphone?"

"Very well." Replied the Blacksmith. 

So then he enlaced the dark matter with a microphone windscreen, screwed it to the top of a cheap USB microphone bought from the internet, handed it over to Sofaboy and explained than he must handle this device with the greatest of care.

After returning home, Sofaboy laid the microphone out on his desk and just glared at it's immense beauty for hours. Once settled, he immediately opened a new project on Logic Express 8 and his heart was pounding as he plugged the USB Mic into the laptop.

After two minutes and fifty five seconds of Sofaboy farting hard down the dark matter microphone, this song was the result:   

Ditty Bit

Venom

Wake Me

Hyped Up

Rumours have speculated that Sofaboy could possibly be a New World Order sub-project crafted by the Illuminati. With over 150 albums released, 37 of which made it to number one in the charts, the evidence is clear that their plans of global domination are succeeding. Here are some dead accurate quotes:

"It disgusts me that I am working on X Factor as opposed to working with Sofaboy. They are clearly the best thing that has ever happened! I sometimes even cry myself to sleep at night to the thought of it and I'm not afraid to admit that." - Simon Cowell

"Just the very mention of Sofaboy makes me tingle on the inside. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing." - Megan Fox

"Fuckin' A!" - Queen Elizabeth II

"I take back everything I ever said about the Falkland Islands belonging to Argentina, THEY ARE BRITISH! Because Sofaboy says so." - Morrissey

"Sofaboy creates a force that makes me weak at the knees and stimulates my… Well… That would be too much information!" - Katy Perry

"The Boy of the Sofa will ignite the heart and soul into life and those who reject this force shall experience the Earth-shattering wall of sound capable of melting their minds." - Nostradamus prediction

"I could even get down with Sofaboy on a Monday!" - Rebecca Black


Their upcoming E.P. will be co-produced by Quincy Jones and reincarnated Michael Jackson and is predicted to cost approximately £10.4 trillion to create.


P.S. None of this is over-exaggerated.

Sofaboy UK