ϻሃ 𝖋ᥑடடᕪṉ ⋀ṉǥᕪட

From nightmares, to blurry days, to dreams of daffodils before an understanding of their meaning, just a year later, still haunted by the remaining shards of my once broken version of heart, this creation is finally out. 
It's a tribute to my sister and her past illness. She's a survivor, I'm the one who survived witnessing the fight of a survivor. 
In a coma we both were in, I mentally, she physically, we still held hands. Having awoken from those traumatising months I still feel as if I'm stuck inside the same loop from time to time. I still hear, feel, see, taste and smell the same things as before and it reminds me. Today it's exactly a year ago, which is why I chose today as a tribute and as a way to try and let go. I feel so unbelievably lucky for not having to put daffodils around the grave of my joyful sister, who's thriving more than we could've ever expected. It's a wonder she's still here, it's a wonder she felt my hand in her coma, it's a wonder I could feel her gentle grasp around me at all times, like an angel spreading out her wings to protect me.


Here are some cutouts of the poem I wrote back then:
...
So please, come back, daffodils 
surrounding your grave, I chose, 
So please, come back, daffodils
Surrounding your grave, I chose 
...
And I do not deserve to think about myself
...
Messy I am in this, 
Situation running through 
Crying on your blankets, again, 
I ruined my mood


My fallen Angel

This song and My fallen Angel are the beginning of something much bigger to me, the space in my mind I like to ornate with pretty colours, abstract concepts and dreamish soundscapes and scenery put onto paper, to be exact. 
X u should be viewed as an introduction into a world where dreams blur with reality and reality on its own is a concept of dreaming and perception. 

Most of the time, I live like a blur, always partially dissociated, never fully there, yet also never fully gone. I like to focus on my sensations, questioning whether they're real. A lot of my life currently revolves around what it means to feel, how much I actually perceive and how I can put my sensations into an abstract language. This style of art and living is something I wish to incorporate in my future projects, hopefully improved tho.



𝙵𝚒𝚜𝚑 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝙿𝚘𝚘𝚕 – Piano Cover

A personal piano cover of the beautiful piece “Fish in the Pool” (original by Shunji Iwai)

I first found this composition through yeule's cover, which inspired me to do my own take on it. 
As it's actually the first piece I ever learned that made me feel like I'm actually playing music instead of random notes it has a special place in my heart. The calming melody has guided me through many tears I've shed, brought me to a place of peace and hope each time I listened and made me feel as if the world was always sunny and the sky was always blue. 
And that is why I want to share my version with you: to bring you closer to what I feel and hear when I play this piece

This is a non-commercial upload made out of love and respect for the original music.
All rights belong to the original copyright holder.

Fish in the Pool (Shunji Iwai Cover)

T̸̗̥̺̘͔̫͓̙̱̓̓͗̓̈́͂̚̕͝r̴̡̖̳͇̻̼̈́̓͝a̴̛̺͎̼͍̹̠̩͓̝̓̀͋͑̐̏͒̋n̴̦̹̜̜̝̖̬̈́͐͒͆̄̿̆̓̏̅͜s̷̢͓̮̝̪͇̟̩̓̎̔́̋́͌̚͝͝i̷̖̱͚̩͎̳̒̿̀͛͗͛͆̾̋͜t̶̪̖̳͍̬̩͖̤̪̰̓̄̽̈́̐̿͌í̴̢̢̬̥̼̞̳̲̰͊̇̿̿̔̆́͒o̴̱͕͔̲̼̓̎̎̆̇̍͘͝͝ͅn̵͈̩̝̰̳̋͋̇̆͂͠ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴀ ʟɪꜰᴇ ʙᴇʏᴏɴᴅ...

---

Cͦ͜o̿͟nͤ́n̓͘ė̸c̋͞tͣ͡i̷ͪnͮ͟g̬̍ ɴᴀᴛᴜʀᴇ ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴍᴀᴄʜɪɴᴀ ᴀʟɪᴇɴ sᴏᴜʟ ʙᴏᴅʏ ...

---

T̷̡̤̙̟̳̜̪̝̓̍̽̅̿̅̎̓͌͘e̶̛̜̤͍̠̼̜̳̓͆̄͂̒̈́͐̚͠͝͠á̷̢̱͉̞̳̼̼̹̘̇̿̇̀̽̋̈́ŕ̴̡̛̛̟̥̟̥̟̖͍̝̺͗̄̿̓͋̽̐͘͜͝i̴͍̝͖͉͈̮̳͎͗̓̿͌̈́͑͐̄̇̍̍̕̕n̶̢̥͓̼͚͍͎͍̅͐̔͆̒͆͑̕̚͜͝g̴̺̖̜̖̘̪̠̹̮̐̽͒̎͌̿̇̈́̾̅̓͘̕ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ ꜰʟᴇꜱʜ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ

. . .

---

integrating ᴍʏ ᴍᴇᴄʜᴀɴɪᴄꜱ, ᴜɴᴛᴏᴜᴄʜᴀʙʟᴇ core, ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅɪʀᴛ ʙᴇʟᴏᴡ ᴀs ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘʀᴇᴛᴛɪᴇꜱᴛ ᴛʜɪɴɢ ɪ ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴇᴠᴇʀ sᴇᴇɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴍʏ still ᴏʀɢᴀɴɪᴄ ᴇʏᴇs

 L̶̢̨̩̻̩̟̺̠̥̖͖̲̮̖͓̠̳͈͈̱̤̲̮͇̞͆͑̈́́̽̍̾̐̿́̄̏̓̒̕̕͜͠͠͠͝͝Ơ̸̡̢̡̩̜̩͉̙͈̥̲̺͎̬̺̯̮͍̺̈́̈́͒͆̈́̊͌̀̔̾̈́͋͊͂̈́̽̿̈́̏͒͗͆̑͂̑͛͆̓͘͘͠͝ͅA̴̢̛̪͍̙̝͕̹̹̻̩͇̯̙̲̜͔͖͎̞͓̤̻͚̟̥̬̳̰͖̔̓̅͒̎̾̑̈́̀̈́͒̐͛͒̈́͌͛̐͌̈́̐̓̌̀̀͛̓̒̈́͘̕̚͘͝͝ͅͅD̵̛̛̟̝̘͈̪͙̬̟͚̙̖̩̰̼̺̖̝̦̙̙͖͍̼̘̗̖̘̹̜̼̝̖̓͗̓̒̿͗̾́̍͛̅͗̈́̓͛͗͆̐́̄͐̽͂͒͌͐͒̓̓̓͊͗̏̕͘͘̕͘̚̚̕͠͝͝͝͠͝ͅÏ̴̢̢̛͓̫̳̳̫̘͈̼͈̲̼͚̳̜̠̙̥̱̗̤̞͓͇̝̼͈̘͓͍̖̼̦̺̉́̍̇̒̽̎̅̽́̈́̍̄̑̎̐̍͒̿͒͌̏̈́̏̇̓̐̀̿̈́̐̓̿͘͘̕͘͘͘̚͘̚͜͜͝͝͝͝͝͠͝͠ͅͅṄ̵̢̡̢̡̛̛̛̛̝̰͓̲͙̘̹̙̖̹̳̝̲͍̥̫̠̺̩̮͓̞̟̼͎̳̝̋̏̈́̈́̅̆͛͊̋͋͆̓̓̽̋͗̄̎̄͐̉͌̐̄͂̃͐̆̿̍͋̆̋̀̎͌̽̾͗̾̿̋̿͗̿̈́̏̄̄͆͗̈́̾̏̓̈́̇͛̅̑̋͂̿̓̐͛̍͘̕͘̚̚̚͜͠͝͝͠͝ͅĠ̴̡̢̛͕̳͍̤̯̼̰̞̥̩̞̫͖̩̩̲̙̱̯̙̳̰̻̝̫̥̗̞͙̟̳̦̀͐͐̿̉̍̓̐̈́̒̏̿̒͂̆͛͒̏̆͌͗̇̒͒̏̈́̍̐̆̓͋͌̈́̓̄̐͐̈́̀̓͌̑͒́͆̿̾̽͗́̌̽̒̓̐̓̿́͘̕̚͘̚̕̕͜͠͝͝͝͝】

**⇌ _n͓͓̗̫͔̰̘̼͔̲̲̝̝̞̼̞͎͖̜͍̠̱͔̼̯̲̟̜̖̳̦̬̘̹̤͈͎̞̖e̼̟͎̖̮͚̰͎̳̟̝̤͇̠̜̱̬̟̤̰͎̟̲̟͚̬͉̬̰̙̱̰̖̮͉̺̼͇̙̬͓͈ͅͅw͕̳̱̟̬͕̘̯ ̥̯̟͙̯͇̱̩̠̞͙͙͖̰͎͎̫̼̖̹̖͎̟͍̫̝̮͚̯̝̯̼̻͇̞̩̳̠̝̼̠͈̹̦̤̬̼̝̯̺ͅͅ identity . . .

lσst_∷_entity[x].zip

4̴͈̙̀  a̶̟̬̰̟͋̃̾͘l̵̺̥̮͐̎̔̏l̶̨̥̣̹̽͑̓ mሃ̴́ ̴͓̀  டó̷̡̓˅̷͉̆ᕪ...d ones (incl. reader)
I want you to be safe ♡ 
I want the anxiety inside your flesh to go away and never come back 
I want you to feel okay in your own body, not like it's too weak to hold your tired frame or too strong to let you speak -- or too small and full or too big and empty.
I want you to realise that even if you seem to be a square amongst circles, you're not cutting anyone just because of your edges, and I assure you, there is no 'perfect' circle in this world. We all have edges. 
And squares might feel like a lot, but they can also be soft and sensitive. It's okay to be sensitive, it's okay to be just you. 

Everday I pray for clear blue skies and warm sunrays,
I hope the blue star will leave us all alone eventually -- 
but until then, I hope this can bring you peace in especially hard times. ♡♡♡ 

- ˢo̶̐̽𝖋ቲˢcã̴̘̻̪̗̟̏̋̓𝚛ˢ_x




4̴͈̙̀  a̶̟̬̰̟͋̃̾͘l̵̺̥̮͐̎̔̏l̶̨̥̣̹̽͑̓ mሃ̴́ ̴͓̀  டó̷̡̓˅̷͉̆ᕪ

Unsettling.

Longing, dragging, twisting, turning, returning 

Fracture my chaotic mind 
Repeating, on a loop, it all loops, 
difference, indifference, 
Opening, closing
Shut down my spinal cord ✃𓄧
Watch me exploding into a million bazillion pieces 
Questioning 
I'm worth 
I live 
I deserve

I don't. I really don't. Don't. Not at all. Don't. No. Not. Don't you dare. No. ᛝ
 
Longing, cutter, knife, shoot, smashing, core breaking, returning of 

Insanity 

Never improves.
Dragging. 
Drag me through 
My corpse 
A bloody veil on the floor – where I move 

Boneless shrinking structure 

Blame is an ᕪǥó 𝓬𝚛𝓾ˢ𐌷ᕪ𝚛 ༒︎

I wonder why –

Its me. 


 I wóṉԺᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ�̶ it's me

I ŵ̷̹̬̰̼̱͎̆̍͊ó̴̡̜͉̰̻̏̄ṉ̶͈͕̔̎̎̄̊Ժ̸̣̮̩̬͐̑͊̕͜ᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ

Thank you to whoever listened to me pour out my heart for the very first time ♡ 
It seriously means the world to me --  even if it might not seem like much!

 - ˢo̶̐̽𝖋ቲˢcã̴̘̻̪̗̟̏̋̓𝚛ˢ_x

00:00 X u 
00:40 Class Core
00:56 My fallen Angel 
02:07 Intermission 1 
05:05 Fish in the Pool (Shunji Iwai Cover)*
08:54 lσst_∷_entity[x].zip
11:52 Cake (Intermission 2)
13:06 Prelude "Unsettling" (Intermission 3)
15:18 I wonder why
21:26 Prelude "Moon" (Intermission 4)
23:41 4 all my love 
26:10 Ascend (Postlude)

*Because of my Shunji Iwai cover, I want to reiterate (as I have done in any other posting of this cover) that this project is non commercial. If this should ever change in the future, I will obviously reach out to the copyright holder, because this piece means the world to me and I would never want to disrespect the artist.

2̵̳͚͙̂̉̓̐͜5ቲ𐌷 (full EP)

First fragments of something I can't quite explain  

"It's too soon to let you go
I can't come close
'cause the scent of your breath
leaves a lingering taste that burns my throat

E̵̞͇͕͊͗̅x̶̢͖̳͗̿c̷̲͉͉̈͂l̸̢͍̜̥̈́u̴͇̬͇̰̅d̷͙̦͐͌͌͝e̵̬̯͓͊͗͝ͅ, Ò̴̪̹̰͍̋͂̔u̷̞̯̖̖͛̓̎t̷͉̠̂(), Ī̶͙̹̫͙͋ṉ̷̃͌̓̊()
Break through my skin,
S̴͙͘l̸͉͎̀͑ĭ̶͙̘͖̹̐͐͝g̷͎̋h̷̰̬̻̋t̵̨͉͚̱̑̚l̴̢̡͖̽͝y̶̳͎̞͂ͅ 𝔀h𝓲şp̴̠͝e͏r̷i̶͊n̷g̸̔

I whisper my words into your deaf ears
I've never seen you here, before,
b̷͎̫͓̘̈́̿l̴̢͙͋͝a̶̬̽c̷͔͉̬͂̎k̴̡̲̮̯̿e̴͚̰̞͂̚͘d̷̛̻ ̸̙͚̹͛͛ȯ̴͇̑̕ű̶̘͉̖͚t̶̨̯̯͓̍͠ ̵̨̛͍̠͎̄̈́ï̶̡̙̦͇͌n̶͎̭̼̖͑̾ ̴̬̈ͅt̴͔̏̑̀h̶͖͊a̴̢̢̾͆t̴̡̢̛͍͙ ̴̛͕̘͖̒c̶̯̯͌̈ỏ̴͉̬̞̿ͅr̶̖͔̤̄͊̕n̴̰̎̇̓͜e̵͕̽r̶̼̹̐̎

We used to adore,
together,
ṗ̸̨̘̫͘i̷̦̘͂̇e̷̞̼̞͒r̴̳͐c̴̯̰̬̅ē̶̫̮͈̚ 𝖙̸̕ḧ̶̗̦̈r̸̳̠͔̿o̷̦̮͎̽͂u̵̿̎ǧ̴̜̥͎͎h̵̪̠̫͒͘ ɱᥱ̷ οήcε мō̴͇̼͍re
cut my soul like leather,
A piece of clothing, you'll forget that
It always exists

My heart beats
hardcore
My Core breaking
C͙͎l̶̺̼̞̹͛̆̒ä̴͙̲͕̲́͘͝s̷̖̥͖͂͂̿s̸̼̙͑̎ C̸̹̲̄̽͌̎o̶͑̋̿r̶̜̳̀͊͆ͅe̷̓̕̕{
...
String = "Core" C̶̹̺͍͂ö̸́͒̾̒r̷̩̯͛e̶͉͇͐͠ͅ.B̴̠̠̞̼͑ȓ̶͘͠e̴̪͖̲̊̿a̸͐̽͐k̷̛̺̫͚͍̿i̶͇̜͌̄n̵̼̉g̴̹͙̀̓̿
...
...}

Ț̶͙̼͍̎̿r̶̲̻͙̄̅̎ỉ̸̡̱̠͋̕͜p̴̢̡͎͗̈́͒p̶͇͍̐į̷̬͍̘̄̃n̸̳͍̐̉g̶̺͕̔̒͠, T̴̨͍̮̙̑̎̆͋r̷̖̘̰̘̄i̵̯̻͙̐͊̍p̷̘̻͉̌̾p̶̬͈͛͝ĭ̶̹͎͒̒n̴̹͗ğ̸̺, Ț̶͙̼͍̎̿r̶̲̻͙̄̅̎ỉ̸̡̱̠͋̕͜p̴̢̡͎͗̈́͒p̶͇͍̐į̷̬͍̘̄̃n̸̳͍̐̉g̶̺͕̔̒͠
F̷o̶̘̲͌͂͋r̵̞͙̤̖͆̕ 𝓂𝖾
E̷̜̮͂̎̐̄x̸͙̪͔̲̍̆͘o̸̺̜͑͐_͍̪ṁ̵̤͇͋̓e̴͖̾9,10,11,12,13
Numbers define most parts of me
Alone and empty

I wish I could scream,
but if I open my mouth, it bleeds

Unanswered, 20 missed drunk calls,
none of them speak any words of
R̶̘̀̈́͊ẽ̸̩͔̠͕̈́͂s̴̤̘̠̏e̸̙̱̞̪̽̊m̷̤̞̪͛b̷͙̉͐̈́l̶̲̗͋̈́͘a̷̱͓͂n̷͍̪͙̍̀͆c̸̦̊͝ͅe̷̪͎͗͗ 𝔱𝔬̵̑ ᥕɧᥲ𝐭 ү̴𝗼̴𝚞͝ ųs𐍉̷d ᴛõ 𝓫є

f̴̛̗̗̻͐̈́ͅr̶̰͍̫̠͛̓e̸̖͐̅͝e̶͙͕͋͆͒, f̴̛̗̗̻͐̈́ͅr̶̰͍̫̠͛̓e̸̖͐̅͝e̶͙͕͋͆͒, f̴̛̗̗̻͐̈́ͅr̶̰͍̫̠͛̓e̸̖͐̅͝e̶͙͕͋͆͒
I sink my teeth
into my own body,
w̴a̵t̵c̵h̴i̵n̵g̵ 𝘆𝗼𝗎 𝖇l̴e̶e̵d̶
from your mouth
whenever you speak."


C͙͎l̶̺̼̞̹͛̆̒ä̴͙̲͕̲́͘͝s̷̖̥͖͂͂̿s̸̼̙͑̎ C̸̹̲̄̽͌̎o̶͑̋̿r̶̜̳̀͊͆ͅe̷̓̕̕{

Intermission 1 - between My fallen Angel and Fish in the Pool 



Intermission 1

ℂ𝖆Ꝃ𝘦 (Intermission 2) - between ╽σક𝕥_∷_𝘦դ𝕥ɨ𝕥Ỿ[𝕏].𝐳ɨᵱ  and I ŵóṉԺᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ

Dissociation faced when under extreme mental turmoil 

Feels like soft velvety cake, paralyzing


ℂ𝖆Ꝃ𝘦 (Intermission 2)

⨿̶̨̡̗̝͖̮̬̮̒̃͐̃̎͆̿̀̊͐̔̽͘͝ͅͅդ̴͓̮̺͚̗͆̑̀̈́̔̓͐͆̀͂͘̚ક𝘦𝕥𝕥╽ɨդց (Intermission 3) - between ╽σક𝕥_∷_𝘦դ𝕥ɨ𝕥Ỿ[𝕏].𝐳ɨᵱ and I ŵóṉԺᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ 

Prelude Poem "Unsettling" for I ŵóṉԺᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ 

Unsettling.

Longing, dragging, twisting, turning, returning 

Fracture my chaotic mind 
Repeating, on a loop, it all loops, 
difference, indifference, 
Opening, closing
Shut down my spinal cord 
Watch me exploding into a million bazillion pieces 
Questioning 
I'm worth 
I live 
I deserve

I don't. I really don't. Don't. Not at all. Don't. No. Not. Don't you dare. No. 
 
Longing, cutter, knife, shoot, smashing, core breaking, returning of 

Insanity 

Never improves.
Dragging. 
Drag me through 
My corpse 
A bloody veil on the floor – where I move 

Boneless shrinking structure 

Blame is an ego crusher 

I wonder why –

Its me. 


I wonder why it's me 
 

- ˢo̶̐̽𝖋ቲˢcã̴̘̻̪̗̟̏̋̓𝚛ˢ_x





⨿̶̨̡̗̝͖̮̬̮̒̃͐̃̎͆̿̀̊͐̔̽͘͝ͅͅդ̴͓̮̺͚̗͆̑̀̈́̔̓͐͆̀͂͘̚ક𝘦𝕥𝕥╽ɨդց (Intermission 3)

 𝓜𝕠oᥒ ☾ (Intermission 4) - between  I ŵóṉԺᕪ𝚛 𝑤𐌷ሃ and 4̴͈̙̀ all mሃ̴́ ̴͓̀ டó̷̡̓˅̷͉̆ᕪ 

Prelude to 4̴͈̙̀ all mሃ̴́ ̴͓̀ டó̷̡̓˅̷͉̆ᕪ 

Moon I sing to you, 
collect my heart 

In shambles as I fall apart
Sick of finding peace in the spiraling abyss

Come help me, 
get the purple star away
Im in chains and I can't break (away)


- ˢo̶̐̽𝖋ቲˢcã̴̘̻̪̗̟̏̋̓𝚛ˢ_x


𝓜𝕠oᥒ ☾ (Intermission 4)

2̵̳͚͙̂̉̓̐͜5̷̧̦͔͂̐̿͜ቲ𐌷   ̷͉̩̱͐̓̚m̵̩͉͔̆̑́̋a̸̝̽͐̍͜𝚛𝓬ḧ̶̢̺̞́͑̌ 
Instagram/Tiktok: softscars_x 
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