Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

This is the trailer for&nbsp;Not By Accident, an audio documentary series about choosing to become a single mother and coping with being one, made by me, Sophie Harper. Music by Baby Blue. Episode 1 will be available on the 31st of March 2016. Subscribe, rate, review wherever you listen to podcasts. Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share! (Search terms: single mother by choice, choice mom, donor baby, rainbow baby.)

Ep 0 - Not By Accident Trailer

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

Episode 1: Insemination Story.

I was living and working in Denmark when I reached the age of 38, the cut-off I'd settled on to try to have a baby alone before it was too late. I was incredibly fortunate as Denmark has a thriving fertility tourism industry and maternity benefits that made it possible for me to even consider doing what I was about to try and do. I had decided on a donor and the sample was on stand-by.
&nbsp;
This is the story of one morning&nbsp;in May when my ovulation test showed as&nbsp;positive, and it was time to stop thinking about it and actually do it!
&nbsp;
Life just happens and we can&rsquo;t always control the circumstances or events, we just have to deal with what comes our way. Now and then we can make a big choice, and take action and set life on a new course.&nbsp;We&nbsp;don't have to just accept&nbsp;things as they are.&nbsp;We can make life more what we want it to be.
&nbsp;
Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support.
&nbsp;
Music by Dexter Britain, LJ Kruzer and Chris Zabriskie from the Free Music Archive.
&nbsp;
I&rsquo;ll be releasing new episodes every two weeks wherever you listen to podcasts. In episode 2 we&rsquo;ll go back in time to see how I got to here. Out on April 14.
&nbsp;
Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners.
&nbsp;
Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share!
&nbsp;
(Key search words: Single mother by choice, choice mom, donor baby, parent, fertility, insemination, sperm, pregnant, podcast, audio documentary.)

Ep 1: Insemination Story - Not By Accident

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

This is Not By Accident, a documentary podcast series about choosing to become a single mother and coping with being one. If you missed episode 1, I recommend going back and listening to that first. Here&rsquo;s Episode 2: Your Grandparents.
In 2012 I went home to Australia for Christmas. I had three weeks off from my job teaching documentary filmmaking in Denmark, just enough time to make the trip worthwhile. I wanted to ground myself after a recent break-up and as I came to terms with the fact that really was I was going to try to have a baby on my own, and soon, before it was too late.
A couple of weeks after I returned to Denmark to work, I turned 38. This was the cut-off point I&rsquo;d set for myself. The day after my birthday I called a clinic and made an appointment to come and talk to them about choosing a donor and getting pregnant.
This courage didn&rsquo;t come from nowhere. I want to take you back to start unravelling some of the events that led to this point.
As I approached 30, my mother underwent devastating treatment for advanced lymphatic cancer. She had two years of chemo and nobody thought she would survive.
I had a mole on my arm that I&rsquo;d been worried about for a long time, but a few doctors had told me it was nothing. It wasn&rsquo;t. It was cancer. Stage two melanoma.
My mother had her stem cell transplant days after I had my surgery. I don&rsquo;t think there&rsquo;s been a worse week in my family, ever.
Then things turned around. My surgery biopsy results came back clear! Her transplant worked! It took some time to build her strength, but she went into remission! Now she has 4 grandchildren who adore her, who we&rsquo;d had to accept she&rsquo;d never get to meet. My perspective changed and things crystalized.
My father and step-mother came to Europe for a holiday just two weeks after my insemination. I hadn&rsquo;t told them I&rsquo;d had the first insemination yet so wasn&rsquo;t totally sure how they&rsquo;d react to this news. I didn&rsquo;t feel that they were completely comfortable with my plan, but they weren&rsquo;t against it either. They were the first people I spoke the words to with certainty: &lsquo;I did the test again. I&rsquo;m definitely pregnant!&rsquo; They were happy.
On our last day together, my step-mother handed me a gift. &lsquo;For your baby&rsquo; she said. Tears welled in my eyes. My baby&rsquo;s first belonging. Just three weeks since your conception Astrid&hellip; welcome to our family.
&nbsp;This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper.
Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support.
Music by Adrianna Krikl, LJ Kruzer and Dexter Britain.&nbsp;Clips from ABC TV profile of Diana Lampe on Stateline Canberra by journalist Catherine Garrett.
I&rsquo;ll be releasing new episodes every two weeks wherever you listen to podcasts. Episode 3 will be out on April 28.
Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners.
Go to notbyaccident.net to sign up to my occasional email newsletter, tweet at me @byaccidentnot and if you know anyone who might like to listen, please share!
&nbsp;
(Key search words: Single mother by choice, choice mom, solo mum, donor baby, parent, fertility, insemination, sperm, pregnant, cancer, melanoma, lymphoma, survival, remission, cure, travel, podcast, podcasting, audio documentary.)

Ep 2: Your Grandparents - Not By Accident

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

Episode 3: Donor Deliberations
One day, soon after I left school, my mother told me that she
wanted me to have a baby one day and she didn’t care how I did it,
even if I did it alone, as long as I did it. I was a bit taken
aback. Of course I’d have a baby one day. I’d always known I would.
&nbsp;I imagined I’d do it the way school girls imagine they’ll do
it: I’d fall in love with a man, he’d fall in love with me, and the
family would naturally follow.
It took me another decade to come out.
I got cancer and faced my own mortality. My mum almost died too.
Things came sharply into focus and I realized as we both went into
remission, this was no way to live the rest of my precious life.
Very soon after, I made a weekend trip to come out to my
parents.
A huge weight lifted. It seems crazy that it took so much for me
to be comfortable being who I am, but for some reason it did.
The thing I felt saddest about letting go of was the idea of
creating a baby, biologically, with a person I was in love with and
for us to be a family. I found it overwhelmingly sad that my baby
would biologically be half me and half some guy, and that if I had
a partner, she would be the other mother but not biologically
related.
I decided the ideal situation for me would be to find a gay man
to be my donor. I would find a man who wanted to have a child and
otherwise couldn’t. He would not be a father exactly. They could
have the fun bits without responsibilities. This could work.
But none seemed to fit. In the end the best option was a sperm
bank. After thinking about it for 8 years, it was an easy decision
to make. I had years to adjust to the fact I could not biologically
make a baby with someone I love. Most single mothers by choice have
much less time to come to terms with that sadness. I’ve often
thought I’m fortunate for that.
The clinic gave me a list. Checking out their profiles was a lot
like internet dating, but of course they didn’t have to choose me
back.
I narrowed the list down to ten and sent them all to my family.
I wanted some input. My mother obliged. It would be my decision,
but I was happy not to make it all on my own.
They’re such complicated feelings but at the same time it’s just
practical. You can’t do it alone. This is what it takes.
My sister called just after my insemination with amazing news.
She was pregnant! It made the timing feel perfect when I found out
I was too.
If all went well these new little cousins would be so close in
age! What a change in fortune for my family.
This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper.
Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me
to record, and for the practical and moral support.
Music by Broke For Free, Cyan341 and Dexter Britain.&nbsp; I’ll
be releasing new episodes every two weeks wherever you listen to
podcasts.
Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more
listeners.
(Key search words: Single mother by choice, choice mom, solo
mum, Solo mom, donor baby, sperm donor, parent, fertility,
insemination, pregnant, cancer, coming out, lesbian, gay, podcast,
podcasting, audio documentary.)
&nbsp;

Ep 3: Donor Deliberations - Not By Accident

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

Episode 4: My Love Life This is Not By Accident, a documentary podcast series about choosing to become a single mother and coping with being one. If you missed the earlier episodes, I recommend going back and listening to them first. I had morning sickness and was trying hard to look after myself, now about 5 weeks pregnant, but it was a struggle with the lack of structure in my life over the summer, and all this travel. Today though, back to work, just for a week. I was feeling guilty and conflicted about work. This was really the first time in my life that I wasn’t putting work ahead of everything else and it made me very uneasy. I was lonely and felt very isolated. It wasn’t a choice I’d made, to go through life alone. After I came out at 30, I ventured out into the Sydney lesbian scene. I felt like a 30 year old teenager. It was exciting and terrifying. I started internet dating. I had some fun. I got my heart broken a couple of times. I fell in love with a woman called Lucy and we had a relationship that was intense, exciting and before long, tumultuous. The fact that I wanted a baby at some point added extra strain. She moved with me to Denmark and things unravelled. I found myself living alone in a beautiful big, empty three bedroom apartment, broken hearted again, in rural Denmark with no friends nearby and almost no lesbians in sight. I had my dream job but my personal life was empty and I kept wondering why I was doing this to myself in the last years of my youth. I gave everything I had to my work, which I loved. But now, I was exhausted, overwhelmed and feeling very foreign very alone. So much was unknown, and unknowable. It was the first time I really wondered if I could do this. But now I had a long vacation in Europe which I was determined to enjoy. Six years have passed since Lucy and I broke up, but we’ll always care about each other from a distance, and now it’s clear that the love carries through to the next generation. &nbsp; This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper. Thanks to my family, my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for the practical and moral support. Music by Broke For Free, Chris Zabriski, Total Reboot&nbsp;and Dexter Britain. I’ll be releasing new episodes every two weeks wherever you listen to podcasts. Please subscribe, rate and review to help the series find more listeners. (Key search words: Single mother by choice, choice mom, solo mum, Solo mom, donor baby, sperm donor, parent, fertility, insemination, pregnant, coming out, lesbian, gay, internet dating, First Trimester, working mother, maternity leave, podcast, podcasting, audio documentary, LGBTI.) 

Ep 4: My Love Life - Not By Accident

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

This is ‘Not By Accident’, a documentary podcast series about choosing to become a single mother and coping with being one. If this is the first time you’re listening, I recommend you go back and start at episode 1.&nbsp; Episode 5: Travels through the 1st Trimester My body has seriously never looked better naked. Everything is soft, plump and trim in all the right places. My breasts are growing. I curse the fact that nobody but me will see, but feel fortunate I don’t have to negotiate a physical relationship. They hurt so much they wake me up at night! I also have to get up to pee every few hours. I am so tired. I dread brushing my teeth because of the morning sickness. Foods taste different. I can’t get enough of pink grapefruit and nectarines. I am put off by the smell of beer. I never thought that could happen. I am vague and forgetful, pregnancy brain I suppose, and happy that holidays have begun so work won’t suffer. I expect my usual backpain to worsen, but it disappears! The hormone relaxin has miraculously done the reverse to what I’d been told to expect. No sign of the stretch marks or varicose veins I’ve been dreading either, but pimples start to appear on my back. agh. My body won’t let me push through exhaustion. I plan to swim and go to the gym, but instead I nap. Often. I stare for hours at the embryo images on my pregnancy tracker app, but make a deal with myself never to jump ahead. I want to know exactly what you’re up to and not wish it away. Knowing you’re growing in there is the most surreal and profound experience I’ve ever had. Summer holidays have begun and nobody is left here but me. I shouldn’t be alone. I need to travel to avoid that.&nbsp; I pack my wheely suitcase and load my kindle with essential holiday reading:&nbsp; What to Expect when you’re Expecting;&nbsp; Choosing Single Motherhood;&nbsp; Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice;&nbsp; The Complete Single Mother; Knock Yourself Up;&nbsp; Sperm Donor = Dad;&nbsp; and of course: My Miserable Lonely Lesbian Pregnancy. I have great friends scattered around Europe, I piece together a plan of who to visit and when, culminating in a week in Iceland with my brother. I take off. It is utterly surreal to be an insignificant figure in these astounding places, and at the same time to be so focused inwards. To be so aware of you there inside me. The captivating wonder of each feels somehow symetrical and profound. I can see now I need to pave two paths while I figure out which one to take. So many things to try to understand, to arrange. Two possible new lives, one in Denmark and one in Australia. Two cultures, two systems, two midwives, two hospital bookings, two childcare places, one baby. So many choices still to make.&nbsp; In the next episode: summertime is over baby. 13 weeks, the second trimester. I return to Denmark, to my first scan, to work and to break the news of my pregnancy. It’s going to be a very big week. Thanks to my family my friends and my daughter for allowing me to record, and for all your support.&nbsp; This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper.&nbsp; Music by Silence is Sexy, Khonnor, Chris Zabriskie, Broke For Free, Dexter Britain and Baby Blue. Story input from Michelle Webster, Cathy Gray and Diana Lampe. I am taking a week to manage some business, so the next episode will be out in 3 weeks.&nbsp; You can support the series by telling people you know about it, by subscribing and leaving a review in iTunes, and by voting (daily even!) at podcastawards.com. &nbsp; Key words: podcast, pregnant, single mother by choice, smc, travel, Europe, Iceland, Audio Storytelling

Ep 5: Travels Through the 1st Trimester

Go to notbyaccident.net to listen to all the episodes! New episodes are no longer being added to Soundcloud (due to financial constraints).

It’s the end of August in 2012. You have reached a milestone. 13 weeks. The second trimester. For me, it’s a turning point. On Thursday, the day before my first scan, the first time I’ll see you, I put on a baggy shirt and go to meet with my boss, my friend. She is energized after the summer break and excited about the year ahead. Her plans involve me. Of course they do. We’re a team. I realise I have to tell her immediately, not after the scan as I’d intended. I have to destroy her plans, her enthusiasm. I am shaking. I feel like my heart will stop. I think this is my worst ever betrayal. On Friday I go for the scan. I see you for the first time. Now I don’t have to imagine, I can see! You have all your arms and legs. I am relieved for you, I want you to have as few obstacles in life as possible. I spend the weekend on the phone. 17 calls, 9 hours. I know because I recorded myself and am re-living it making this episode. I’ve categorized my conversations into themes and can see where my preoccupations lie. One third work, one third our unknown future, and the final third divided again: love, lost and longed for, my changing body, and you, my baby, inside me. I feel sad to see how much anxiety over work and the future dominate. We went to Sydney this weekend, to see friends and meet new babies. On the train up, with these conversations fresh in my head, the trip became poignant. I am truly grateful to you, my friends, my family, and my daughter, who accept me when I obsess, when I wallow, when I dominate, and when I’m withdrawn. Who allow me to record, and support me completely. Who share in my sorrows and in my great joys. Who let me share in yours. Welcome to the world little Audrey and Maple. This is an independent production made by me, Sophie Harper. Music by Chris Zabriskie, Dexter Britain and LJ Kruzer. Story input from Rebecca Mostyn. I’ll be releasing new episodes every two weeks on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts. Thank you for your reviews and messages, I find them incredibly moving and inspiring. iTunes reviews also help the series find more listeners so if you like the series, I’d love you to leave a review. I have launched a fundraising campaign to help keep the series going strong. You can donate through the Australia Cultural Fund until the end of August. (it’s even tax deductible for Australian taxpayers). Go to notbyaccident.net to find out more.

Episode 6: Seventeen Calls - Not By Accident

Creator of 'Not By Accident', a podcast documentary series about choosing to become a single mother and coping with being one.