I'm a sexual Santa Claus
I've got tinsel round my balls

Happy holidays bitches
It's your friend Saint Nic
In my tricked out sleigh
With my rosy red dick
Yo, seduction's the game
Y'all already know my name
It's too easy when I'm slinging xmas fame

I'm ice cold
From the North Pole
I work one day a year motherfuckers
Suck my bone
Do you believe in me?
When the ground is white
I'll be coming down your pipe tonight
Oh!
What what!

I'm a sexual Santa Claus
I've got tinsel round my balls 
Yo I'm cruising on the eve
I fuck you then I leave
But I leave behind a little present
Up your shaft
If you believe in me

Knock knock
It's the delivery man
In a red uniform
With his package in his hand
You see this eve motherfuckers
Santa's going door to door
So you mamas and you papas
Better answer the call  
 
I pour cream on your mince pie
I rub brandy butter over your thighs
You oughta lay  out a treat for when Santa comes
At the stroke of midnight we rump pa pa pum
Rump pa pa pum
Rump pa pa pum
Rump pa pa pum  
   
Aw shit
Aw shit
Merry christmas motherfuckers

Haters say I'm make believe and pretend
Well I leave Rudolph red at both ends
Those fools want to fade me they try to be sly
But you're on my list bitch you can't hide!

I'm a sexual Santa Claus
I've got tinsel round my balls
Now we're flying through the sky
Now you're giving head up high
My red glove is on your head
Now we on my pimp size bed
All my hos are dripped in ice
Whether they be naughty or nice
Nice nice
I'm a sexual Santa Claus
Claus Claus Claus Claus Claus Claus
I've got tinsel round my balls
Balls balls balls balls balls balls
I'm a sexual Santa Claus
Claus Claus Claus Claus Claus Claus
I've got tinsel round my balls
Balls balls balls balls balls balls

Sexual Santa

Softly glide we along, Softly chant we our song,
For someone who to claim is come;
Oh, beloved and best, Thou art failing the West,
And the dear isle Britannia, thy home.
Calmly there shalt thou sit, With thy career gone by,
Their regret mixed deep with thine own;
Ne'er again to awake, Till the last straw shall break,
And the trump of the sanction is blown.

Hymns and Viturpation

Jobcentre Boat Song

In ancient Babylon and Assyria
The monster symbolised chaos
The king defeated monsters
And brought order to the world
Bringing water to the desert
And making plenty when there was none
In the modern world
The monster primarily chases teenagers across a TV screen
Often methodically
Often with a calculated menance
We now embody chaos
And the monster represents a cruel order imposed upon us
The holocaust was another modern invention
That was formal and bureaucratic in nature
Its victims documented, numbered, stamped, and finally destroyed
There is a monster in our culture
And its face is a seething mass
Of change requests, sign-offs, milestones, and budgetary requirements
A corporate ant-hill that functions like a particularly slow and inaccurate computer
Like the analogue calculators once used
To find the appropriate trajectory
And tabulate those numerical identifiers
Of importance to the national campaign

Hymns and Vituperation

The Chaos Monster

Impressing Jonathan Meades

There's no such thing as posers
They're people trying to survive
Slaves to the in- and out-group
Social dividing lines
Don't hate on some poor fool
Dressing to fit in
Save your hate for Nazis
Toast your friends with gin

I have no time for edgelords
Arguing so much online
I'll save my bile for real life
For the masters and the swine
Living with courage is choosing
To shed your chicken skin
But even if we keep losing
I'll toast my friends with gin

What are you missing
When you're alone at night?
I heard the propagandist say
"Loneliness is delight"                    
Well don't buy it for a second             
No, don't let the bastards win
If you find yourself alone
Toast your friends with gin

I've been a drunkard, a loser, a media pirate, a poet, a gimp, and a spook,
Many times I thought of praying, but I can't believe the news
How can there be a God judging what you do?
Well if you're watching, baby, here's something obscenely taboo!

What are you missing
When you're strung out in a crowd?
I heard the supermodel say that
Everyone should bow
Well don't buy it for a second
No, don't let the bastards win
If you find yourself with wankers 
And the night is wearing thin
Be proud of your misfit condition
Toast your friends with gin

Pilgrimage and Rampages

Core, Heart, Atom

Dreaming of future productivity
You built a concrete village with sunlit pavement
Won't the people be so glad to live in harmony
Won't we finally be rid of those old malcontents?
Between Lenningrad and Christania
Between Milton Keynes and Stolichnaya
Your terrace is a home for me

Sewage rising up
Heating is always shut off
Neighbours like to fuck
Paper walls don't keep out much

The landlord bought the flat through Right to Buy
I was sacrificed so he could have a good life
He installed some mould and a watchful eye
What a dump, I was happy to say goodbye
Between Lenningrad and Christania
Between Milton Keynes and Stolichnaya
Your terrace is a home for me

I lived in your brutalist concrete block
Inspired by the ticking of atomic clocks
You dreamed of the future and those dreams died with me

Your mould hurt my lungs and I felt like I'd drown
I scrubbed and I scrubbed but the walls were stained black
The neighbours beat my friends when they visit from town
On the positive it had good access to smack
Between Lenningrad and Christania
Between Milton Keynes and Stolichnaya
Your terrace is a home for me

Sewage rising up
Heating is always shut off
Neighbours like to fuck
Paper walls don't keep out much

I lived in your brutalist concrete block
Inspired by the ticking of atomic clocks
You dreamed of the future and those dreams died with me

Brutalist Concrete Block

Sweat drips from the ceiling
And falls into my glass
The club smells like a mortuary
After a bomb blast

The DJ cracks on Spotify
Playlist: Noughties hits
Between S Club Seven and Slipknot
I would like to cut my wrists

How did I fail so badly at life?
A road of mistakes led me here tonight
It must have been those awful things I did to survive
How else did I end up at this dive?

Some kid starts to talk to me
Convinced that I have drugs
No mate, I'm not cool anymore
I give her the shrug

Gonnae just give us a pill
Ecstacy should not be a crime
I say, I'm old enough to be your dad
And I'm only 29

How did I fail so badly at life?
A road of mistakes led me here tonight
It must have been those awful things I did to survive
How else did I end up at this dive?

The filth here is infectious
The place needs an airlock
The only way to clean it up
Would be with Novichok

Where does that foul smell come from?
Check under the floors
That's where they hide the punters
Who don't make it out the door

How did I fail so badly at life?
A road of mistakes led me here tonight
It must have been those awful things I did to survive
How else did I end up at this dive?

The Dive

Children are shit
Please refrain
Try to make a choice using your brain

Children are shit
You procreate
You think it's love but you're breeding hate

Vasectomy
Marry me

Children are shit
There's no shortage
Of human beings on the rampage

Children are shit
You spawned a brat
Congratulations, you're a twat

Vasectomy
Marry me

Condoms
Pill
Diaphragm
Use them now
Have a plan

Implant
Cap
IUD
It's what you need to stay child-free

Children are shit
What comes next?
Eighteen years of feeling  vexed

Children are shit
It's chemical
There is no soul and no miracle

Vasectomy
Marry me

Children Are Shit

When the man died
We went down to hear his eulogy
He loved to drive his beamer
And to watch the grand prix
He worked for the corporate
30 long years
From labour to mid management
We're holding back our tears

We give our thoughts for the man
Who his family survived
Suzie and Savannah
Have lost their peace of mind
A husband and a father
Always there to advise
After having such a man
We can all empathise

Chorus:
Oh don’t you know that all of us
Who were baptized into Christ
Were also baptized in his death
A two-fer yer life!
And where were you when you heard
That the man had died?
I was drinking a pink cocktail
And enjoying the seaside

A colleague stood to read a speech
'bout the good times that they had
In Bangkok and in Amsterdam
The lads had such a laugh
Now he's praying for the daughter
On this dreadful day
Who her dad was always thinking of
When he was away

As we commit his body
To its resting place
We give our thanks to the powers
Who maintain us in their grace
For without a guiding hand
To lead us through the day
When night comes for each of us
We would lose our way

Chorus:
Oh don’t you know that all of us
Who were baptized into Christ
Were also baptized in his death
A two-fer yer life!
And where were you when you heard
That the man had died?
I was drinking a pink cocktail
And enjoying the seaside

Bridge:
I was reminded at the wake
Not to look so sad
To have a pint of lager
Like Savannah's dad
A big man told a story
About his exploits and his pride
It was a proper sending off
For a man who had died

Chorus:
Oh don’t you know that all of us
Who were baptized into Christ
Were also baptized in his death
A two-fer yer life!
And where were you when you heard
That the man had died?
I was drinking a pink cocktail
And enjoying the seaside

When The Man Died

There's a seedy place
In the town
Where I feel at home
It's a simple love
Of simple things
That I enjoy alone

I sit down
On the pue
And I take in the sight
Oh that sweet aroma
The pitch black smell of night

My reverie unravels
Hear the bottled thunderclap
The unreal becomes ever closer
As I bridge the unseen gap
I feel your presence haunting
It seeps in me drop by drop
Till I'm all charged
Full of ligthning
Heaven opens at the top

There's a growing urge
In my breast
To migrate back home
Those woodclad walls
Cloister me
In a holy dome
A stranger
Is no stranger
When you are both tickled pink
Your laughter is a prayer
In that cathedral of drink

My reverie unravels
Hear the bottled thunderclap
The unreal becomes ever closer
As I bridge the unseen gap
I feel your presence haunting
It seeps in me drop by drop
Till I'm all charged
Full of ligthning
Heaven opens at the top

Heaven opens wide
Heaven opens with the tide

A Toast To Unreality

I write folk punk and folk music on the baritone guitar.

Open to collaboration with like-minded musicians in Scotland.  Message me!

*Sample copyright holders*: I am in the process of recording new material and hope to follow up soon with everyone on freesounds.org who I've borrowed samples from.

Swamp Spice

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