A song written from the perspective of a Dom receiving one of those weirdly specific and lengthy messages on Recon from a sub that knows what he wants.

LYRICS:
[ooh a new message on Recon? ...'weirdshit85'? Great. Can't fucking wait.]
Hi there Sir, I like the sound of your profile
And you’ve got horny pics
I’d love to get under your boots and serve you
And take your massive dick.

Aside from all the usual stuff
I’ve got some kinks that you may find quite weird
But I’m happy to do it all naked
Or spend the session geared
But please Sir

CHORUS:
Wrap me up in an Ikea rug
And smear my feet with quiche
Get my nan on speakerphone
And talk about toilet bleach

Gaffa tape a watermelon
And stick it to my left thigh
Mail my clothes to Mexico
And fuck me with a steak and kidney pie

I’ve got the nichest kinks
I think you must agree
I’ve got the nichest kinks
Fisting, scat and sounding is all vanilla to me

So what do you think Sir?
Can I be of any use?
I could spend a weekend there with you
Suspended in a vat of ice cold carrot juice.
I could be your penguin
With my beak glued to your shed
Use my back as a barbecue
And store the hot dog buns on my head
But please Sir

CHORUS:
I want to scream at your testicles
And take pics of an owl
Dress me up as Judi Dench
Stuff an egg whisk in my bowel

Buy a load of Steps CDs
And throw them at my chin
Store me under the kitchen sink
Let me live a life as your compost bin

I’ve got the nichest kinks
I think you must agree
I’ve got the nichest kinks
Fisting, scat and sounding is all vanilla to me

I’ve got the nichest kinks
I think you must agree
I’ve got the nichest kinks
Fisting, scat and sounding is all vanilla to me

It's all vanilla to me.

[what the hell did I just read?]

The Nichest Kinks

A song about how isolation isn't the horny thing it's cracked up to be.

Lyrics below:


Stay the fuck indoors
Stay the fuck indoors
This ain't time to be a whore

[repeating refrain]
Stay the fuck indoors
This ain’t no time to whore
It’s a bore, but it’s the law
So grab your toys and make your butt sore.

Isolation sounds so fucking hot
But the reality is it’s really not
There’s no horny cell with padded walls
Just Doritos, biscuits and video calls

I was hoping for a blindfold
Or a skintight rubber hood
Instead I’ve got no bog roll
And I can’t go down the pub

I was hoping for some shackles
Or to be locked inside a cage
But instead I’m binging Netflix
Avoiding a stupid plague

No sensory deprivation
Features in my isolation
Just my bored ejaculation
In this endless situation

And in my horny desperation
I will make the declaration
That I’m gonna lock up my cock
And then increase my own frustration

I’m missing penetration
While I’m sat at my workstation
Doing Skype call meditation
With my tedious corporation

And in my imagination
There’s a filthy combination
Of piss-soaked humiliation
And total degradation

[refrain repeats]
Stay the fuck indoors
This ain't no time to whore
Stay the fuck indoors

Stay the fuck indoors
Stay the fuck indoors

Stay the fuck indoors
This ain’t no time to whore
It’s a bore, but it’s the law
So grab your toys and make your butt sore.

Stay the fuck indoors
This ain’t no time to whore
It’s a bore, but it’s the law
So grab your toys and make your butt sore.

Stay the fuck indoors
Stay the fuck indoors

switchLDN

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