Top of the Pops, 1979.
The girls from Legs & Co. canter on to the studio floor, and are spot-lit as they form a loose circle at its centre. The whole troupe wears blue satin vest tops and gold hot pants, which glimmer with the rhythmic swaying of each dancer's hips.
Moving gently from side to side, the group raises its arms into the air and, eyes closed, begins to mouth a sinister incantation. This continues for a minute or so, after which their eyelids sharply draw back to reveal a hellish red light glowing beneath.
Next, one girl moves forward into the middle of the circle and holds a ceremonial blade aloft. She runs its silver edge across the palm of her hand, causing a dash of blood to seep from the incision and onto to the floor of the Tops of the Pops studio, where it sizzles and spits like acid.
A monstrous fissure then opens beneath Broadcasting House. From it, all of the devils, daemons, and ghastly minions of the netherworld spring forth into the mortal realm, and lay waste to humanity for its terrible crimes.
Only Tony Blackburn is spared. He is spared because he is the man who must turn to the camera and tell the viewers at home that 'The Worst Thing in the World' by Tabloid Vivant is in at number one.

The Worst Thing in the World

Ever played Kiss and Tell? How about William Tell? Saint Sebastian played both at the same time.
Tune in to hear all about the maligned martyr and how he came upon his sticky end.
Last one to the flogging post's a wet ponce!

St Sebastian

Ah! That Sunshine Disco, and the kung-fu nites we spent there. Loon pants, Golden Wonders, and wombling cheek-to-cheek. Take me back or take a bloody hike, Jack. You dig?

Summer Smash

A corpse! On the copse! Someone call the cops!
It's one- two- three- four- five- six-
Seven trees upon the hill. Sometimes nine. And a Martin B-26 hangs motionless above the beach, the bank holiday, and all of us.
Have you met my wives? Sometimes.
Do you believe in past lives? Perhaps.
Did you ever go to Sevenoaks? Well. Let me start at the beginning.