Even now I can’t look at a shrubbery without unconsciously assessing whether it would class as ‘hard’ or ‘soft’ cover.

We Are Not Amused

Games Workshop Stole My Childhood

The Elixir Of Youth

Those first, furtive trips to the offy
The rites of passage of puberty
Swept along by peer group pressures
Hanging around all night outside Threshers

Hoping they don't notice your ID's a fake
And that your voice is about to break
Trying to get served, but always in vain
Wait ten minutes round the corner and then try again

Have you heard of this thing called alcohol?
It's something you've got to try
So thank God for older siblings and random passers-by
Because if you're lucky they might buy ya
A big bottle of cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
Drinking it is not advised
Cheap Cider!
If it's less than 8%
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's time to externalise your stomach content

Off down the beach or in the park
Six to one bottle in the dark
Passing round a single damp cigg
Sucking on a mint after every swig

Retching, like you've never retched before
You end up writhing on the floor
But you're convinced as you pass out
That this is what maturity is all about

Somehow managing to stagger home
When the night is finally over
Casually chatting to your mum, trying to persuade her that you're sober
But she knows you're a liar
She smells the scent of cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
Drinking it is not advised
Cheap Cider!
If it's less than 8%
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's time to externalise your stomach content

There's always one, pivotal evening of excess
When you almost drink yourself to death
And find your legs do not respond
Waking up naked in your neighbours pond

Hangovers, when you can't remember a thing
Except violent vomiting
Put you off cider for life, no doubt
Whereas I see it as sign of a good night out!

If you ask me what I'm drinking, on cider I will insist
I don't mind the mockery, I just wanna get pissed
Although I'm older and wiser
I still get wankered on cheap cider

Cheap Cider!
It's the stuff of anecdotes
Cheap Cider!
In no way is it uncouth
Cheap Cider! Cheap Cider!
It's the elixir of youth

White Lightning, Diamond White
Olde English, Country Oak
Ice Dragon, Omega
And Barnstormer

The Lovely Brothers - The Elixir Of Youth

Vladimir

Jeremy came from Canterbury
He went off to university
Became a revolutionary
And changed his name to Vladimir

He started an argument every night
“Pacifism is morally right!”
It usually ended in a fight
Especially when he’d had a beer

He wrote the same essay for every course he took
He studied Marx and Engels – he even read a book!
On the way home from the pub he fought the class war
He stole traffic cones and gave them to the poor

Vladimir! He was born to lead
Vladimir! He sowed the seed - of violent insurrection
He came fourth in the student union election

He yearned to meet a real life Nazi
But everyone he knew was slightly arty
He said, “I’m going to start a radical party!”
The students came and he let ‘em in

He stood on a chair to spread the word
With a speech about Rosa Luxemburg
But the techno was banging so nobody heard
And soon they were fucked on ketamine

He shouted in people’s faces, to open up their eyes
He tried to wake the masses, to make the workers rise
But by the time that he’d got out of bed
The workers had all gone off to work instead

Vladimir! He was always pissed
Vladimir! For a socialist - he was remarkably anti-social
In the end he was destroyed by his own internal contradictions
He was last seen drunk outside the tube station in Brixton
He had a megaphone in one hand and in the other
He waved a huge hammer, and shouted:

"SMASH the system! SMASH the state!
SMASH the BNP, World Bank and G8!

SMASH the fat-cats! SMASH the rat-race!
SMASH free-market economics in the face!

SMASH the war! SMASH male oppression!
SMASH every trace of macho aggression!
And while you’re at it SMASH a copper with a brick!

SMASH anyone who tries to SMASH you!
SMASH everything you can possibly SMASH!
SMASH it again! And then to make sure, SMASH it once more!"

The Lovely Brothers - Vladimir

Cyber Love

Cyber love, it turns me on
Machine and man will cum together in the future
Cyber love, it’s a bit like Tron
But only a part of you will be stuck in a computer

Press her button, a keystroke
Like a lady you must caress her
She’ll only peak when you poke
Gotta stoke her central processor

Making love to the digital age
Making love to the digital age

A hard drive, a floppy disk
We’ve got an intimate internet connection
I don’t care, I’ll take the risk
Although I’ve got no virus protection

Nothing else can satisfy me
My sexual preferences are saved and stored
If Sigmund Freud were here he’d say
Every man wants to fuck his motherboard

Making love to the digital age
Bowing down to the digital age
Undoing the flies of the digital age
Sucking the chrome-plated cock of the digital age

Cyber love, with a robot
Like Robocop or the Terminator
Cyber love, I’ll tell you what
They could last longer than any vibrator

Dr Who had no time
For Billie Piper, but he was in bliss
Doing it doggy-style with K9
By the end he had an arsehole like a Tardis

I always knew there was a reason why
R2D2 was only waist-high

Making love to the digital age

The Lovely Brothers - Cyberlove

Kebab

The Pigeons pick at the puddles of sick
Strewn across the floor
The multicoloured stains of takeaway remains
From the night before

I see a lump of sodden pitta, congealed in a putrid slab
I see the half-digested, maggot-infested, remnants of a kebab

Kebab! I can't control these cravings!
Kebab! Just give me some shavings!
I don't care if it's made from dead rat
Do you want some chilli-sauce with that?

From the dodgy pubs and nightclubs
Out pour legions of lads
All looking to fill their stomach swill
With a juicy kebab

But if the ratio isn't right, between the beer and bile
You'll get ill from it and probably vomit on the bus all down the isle

Kebab! I can't control these cravings!
Kebab! Just give me some shavings!
I don't care if it's made from diseased cat
Do you want some chilli-sauce with that?

As I stand in the queue, licking my lips
Hearing the sweet hiss of frying chips
I watch the revolving pillar of meat
Awestruck by this culinary feat
And I wonder if the salad was ever once fresh
And whether they breed animals with cylindrical flesh

It must be one of nature's strangest creatures
With no limbs, organs, or facial features
In fact, I was reading Plato just the other week
And found a reference to it in ancient Greek
Apparently the kebab was a mythological beast
Renowned by the poets as "humanity's finest feast"

Kebab! I can't control these cravings!
Kebab! Just give me some shavings!
I don't care if it's made from cancerous bat
Do you want some chilli-sauce with that?

Oh, how I wish for a shish
Oh, how I wanna... doner!

The Lovely Brothers - Kebab

"If Balaclava-wearing, impish, satire-wielding punk rock is your thing, then have a seat, stuff your face, then be scared, shocked, entertained and flummoxed with The Lovely Brothers. Part cabaret, part music hall, all punk rock."
- Brighton Zinefest

"Comedic and satirical lyricism combine with new wave baroque in a kind of punk cabaret revue, replete with bizarre costuming. It's all entertaining, tongue-in-cheek stuff."
- Source Magazine

"I enjoyed this offering from Shoreham’s great disgruntled. Musically it was strong - a collection of satirical numbers delivered in a cabaret style with tongue and cheek enjoying their usual intimacy."
- BBC

"I found one of the things that had been lost while I was glued to the tube engine exhaust from the bus of the planets: fun. The Lovely Brothers is formed of a doll, a maiden, a crooner rundown, a Lord of plastic which feeds sucking its own navel and two terrorists transsexual. Musically there is an English word that they define: mayhem. Nothing I've seen or heard before, but all at once."
- Una Buena Barba magazine

"I'm begging you to stop singing, it sounds terrible."
- Gail Porter

The Lovely Brothers

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