FAWM 2024

It seems
like the building I am living in is crumbling
I am no good with repairs
it might have been like this when I moved in
these days the doors won’t stay shut
I have surrendered my privacy
I did not expect staying here
to offer up a challenge for me


Not me
not me
as clever as I claim to be
not me
not me
burned by artificial heat


I swear if that’s your only grievance
you need to leave me the fuck alone
I was indifferent before this
and I will go back to that
mark my words 

It seems
like now’s as good as any of a time to announce it
I am going down with the ship
and I am not sad about it
you can have whatever you want
I don’t want to leave anything in the garbage
mostly the thing I was wondering was
who would even care enough to bother?

Not me
not me
hands are washed  they’re fully clean
not me
not me
a little less than a human being
 
go mad and mark

You Need To Leave Me The Fuck Alone

Podfic of aggressivewhenstartled's story.

Blind Date

I’ve had a nosebleed every day since you died
and I don’t think that it means anything. 
Pathetic in a way I have criticized others for
feeling guilty for laughing or not laughing
or worrying or not worrying
for resting or working
rushing to write things down
time is so corrosive now
I’m starting to forget the way things worked
it was all too simple
the muscle memory
atrophies away
and there’s a day where I am happy but I don’t think of your face


I wish it was uncertain but it’s not
Billions of years

I have had a nosebleed every day since you died
and I know it doesn’t mean anything.
Casually endangering myself
not looking before crossing the road
as cosmic protest to a cosmology I don’t accept
call it “soft suicide”
but i’m scared that I’ll never die
or that I’ll die tomorrow
and nothing in-between
it just feels so useless
to progress
knowing slates are wiping clean
and even if I see the future
I won’t know what it means.

I have had a nosebleed every day since you died

By The Way Of The Cross

Join in!
Revelation now
Hierophant in tow
I offer up a sacrifice
Of all the words I know
You know the truth is it only feels
Like knowledge gets revealed
Keep it secret they still think 
We’re more than animals.

I am different than I have been
You shouldn’t treat my presence lightly
There are

Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
We preserve a legacy
None of us will live to see
Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
You can feign your agency
But I dare you to move your feet.

I’ve got a 
Favored set of facts
I am stocking up
Take a few if you 
Aren't convinced enough
You know the wait was long but
I’m a patient man
I carved the days into your palm you can
Feel the grooves to keep in touch
They’re in the throng 

Did you pick this place on purpose?
Did you think that I deserve this?
There are

Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
We preserve a legacy
None of us will live to see
Beasts
Waiting for me
I clean between their teeth
You can feign your agency
But I dare you to move your feet.

There’s so little that we can do
So I dare you to do
Anything.

Hierophant

Paragraph after paragraph
You can speak them all
Until your breath is gone
There’s a surfeit of surfaces that you
Can write my name on
Motive lost
Fingers crossed
There’s a pit that you were
Tossed into 
You told them the truth
You think you owe them
But you were just a 
Lesser god
And you got caught

I thought I was taught
To be sinister and innocent all at once
Take what all you’ve got
To escape with and leave no remainder
Better be estranged in a stranger’s world
Than to be caught unexpected on your toes
I thought I was taught to be sinister and innocent

Bombs were tossed
In what was lost
I expected to find scraps of you
Scurrying to somewhere dark and warm
I was hoping you would learn from me
You were suffering
For the light you seek so
I told them a lie
I do not owe them my time
I wouldn’t pay a debt
To a filthy pest

I know that it’s unfair to you but
No one’s keeping score
Aging gracefully
Painterly
They don’t know they own you
They don’t know they owe you

Sinister & Innocent

I was penitent
Ignorant
Digging up through the trenches
Buying time for cheap
And wholly devouring it

I was savoring
The water squeezed
From the wood that was
Encasing me 
Pulling at shackles
Hoping they would bend
Until

I’m free (the terror never lessens)
I’m free (it’s a shame, it’s not your shame)
I’m free (once I pick your bones clean)
I’m free (everyone starts moving)
Everyone starts moving

It was violent
Unthinking force
A tragedy that has been rehearsed
There is so little to resort to
When it comes time to resort

It was shelter from the rain at first
It was the stone that keeps my innards cold
Dismembered into parts
Cartilage, hope, meat, sinew, and bone

I’m free (the terror never lessens)
I’m free (it’s a shame, it’s not your shame)
I’m free (once I pick your bones clean)
I’m free (everyone starts moving)
Everyone starts moving

Everyone Starts Moving

There’s no mantra in my chest
I exhale when I wake up
It’s only getting tighter
I’m making myself tired
I am dogged by the wind
I see it shake the treetops
It feels like dead leaves are 
curling underneath my skin

Something I don’t believe in 
is staring
I have to keep myself from checking
But I found a new way of checking

Do not cast yourself a wider net
You’ll only embarrass yourself
When your catch drags you out
Do not capture moments after
You’ll only embarrass yourself
When the past pulls you down

I’ve done everything already
The dirt is on my hands I can’t
Grasp it any tighter
The gap is getting wider
I was fooled by a creature
That wormed its way inside
Now I freeze up when I falter
I feel guilty when I hide

Something I don’t believe in
Is knocking
If you don’t recognize it’s servant
Then you are it’s servant

Do not cast yourself a wider net
You’ll only embarrass yourself
When your catch drags you out
Do not capture moments after
You’ll only embarrass yourself
When the past pulls you down

Embarrass Yourself

I hope the toll was light
You're picking at my scars
The dust occludes your face
I wonder who you are

The stage is nearly set
They're begging us to start
They'll drag us into place 
I wonder who you are

You are
The dust

My carapace is cracked
They pin us to the board
They're spreading out your wings
I wonder who you are 

A consolation prize
They're picking you apart
The fever in your eyes
I wonder who you are

I wonder who you are
The dust occludes your face
You are
The dust

Carapace

I am always reading 2 books at once
Trying to figure out If i forgot
Something written down
That was important

I forgot that special thing
That I told to you in confidence
Several things I’ve said in public
I’m expected to remember
 
 I’m important
Underlined, narrativized
Shoveled out 
Once a week or sometimes faster
In-between feels like I haven’t 
Half-life to artistic objects 
A hundred songs, a book of matches 
It doesn’t matter
Moments after when
I’m expected to remember

I am always reading 2 books at once
Sometimes the subjects blend together
I’m reading one that makes me hopeful
Which one it is
I can’t remember

I dreamed that I was on stage
And asked to name a single thing
I ever wrote and while I fumbled
I watched the audience get restless

For the most part I agree
Cause there’s a pitch to everything
There’s a hole I chuck things into but
I’m expected to do better

Knowing my way around a language 
Never quite amounts to payments
That I owe, I might be late
But I’m expected to remember

Reading 2 Books At 1nce

A deep breath
I’m plunging in
The paint before
My image sets 
They’re dogging pages
In my honor
Before I’ve even left

A nauseous twitch
I’m obvious
Attentive to my
Base instincts
I’m dodging punches
That were sent
Before the air’s displaced

How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
I didn’t tell anyone
The lion's share of knowledge
Got stuck in my paw
I didn’t pull it out

Car stuck in the yard
Tearing up the lawn
I turned to slinging mud
To get the hours done
How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
But please
You can’t tell anyone 

A regret
It’s come to this
How rude i’ve lost
A dinner guest
The town’s closed down
Like it always did
There’s nowhere i can rest

A cosmic shift
I’m over it
The pageantry of
Innocence
The stockade’s full
I lament before
My head is put in there


How septic it was
Tainted my blood
I hid from everyone
The lion’s share of knowledge
Is lodged in my paw
The wound is sore, could you pull it out
Car stuck in the yard
Tearing up the lawn
I turned to slinging mud
To get the damage done
How septic it was
Lingered on my tongue
It is now your duty
You can’t tell anyone

Androcles (Pt. 2)

It’s new
The pieces I detached to bring to you
And I may slouch as I get used
To moving in this way
I tried
To separate the muscle from the hide
And what is left, my very best
Impression of my life

I’m going to lie down

My life
Bundled up in parts and auctioned off
And trying to be grateful for the price
You think I’m worth
For now
The walls around my heart are coming down
Exposing the bare wires that spark
To cough the ideas out

I’m going to lie down

A month
I tried to live deliberately and failed
Frustrated, I continued to persist
The person that I was
Take note
The well is dry, I hope I filled you up
And what you got was nourishing enough
I’ll still be around, but

I’m going to lie down

I'm Going To Lie Down

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Reading 2 Books At 1nce

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