I honestly don't know what to say..

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day 42 of trying to forget about the break up...

im so angry abt it. i actually loved him so much. it was indescribable how much i loved that boy. he meant so much to me ever since i had a crush on him. when we first started dating on feb 20 it was the best day of my life. i was so happy to be dating someone that ive had a crush on for months. i told all my friends about him and they were really happy for me. but ever since we started dating, we started talking less, calling less, and pretty much became kinda distant throughout the 3 months.. im always the one messaging first, im always the one asking if he wants to call, i was the one who said happy bday to him but he never said it to me on mine in December. i tried so much to keep the relationship good but he broke up with me on may 31... the day before i leave school for summer break. now i have to see him in the same hs..

he has done alot of shitty things before. he has left me on read and delievered alot and ive seen him play video games and shit like that. he never calls me when he is free too and it hurts me alot not seeing that. i get that he can be busy but he never really reply to my messages when hes free. he has called me racial slurs. and once i added him to the group with my friends and he insulted me infront of ALL MY FRIENDS. like wtf??? but i couldnt get mad at him bc of how much i loved him. it was so much pain i felt after we broke up. but at the same time, i was kinda glad. my friends told me he didnt deserve me at all and all the shitty things he has done to me. i mean i have made some mistakes but i would never insult him infront of his friends. yes, when we were friends we were best friends and we used to call each other racial slurs. but now i stopped ever since we were dating cuz i didnt wanna hurt him.

i always remembered the memories together i remember the first day at school, my assigned seats were with him, my best friend, and this kid i disliked. idk how it happened, me and him started talking and we became best friends and during winter break my friend sent me his snap and i added him and when he added me back, i felt such joy. then we talked on a night at 11:19 PM and it was so much fun. i remember we sent videos to each other and goofing around. we messaged so much when i was at target and in the car. we called so much when i went home and it was so much fun. when we first started dating, i was really happy like i said. on march 28 i think, we had this freshmen party and he was in it cuz we are going to the same hs. he was staring at me so much and that made me happy before. in math class, he does the same. he made me so happy until he did those shitty things.

he really hurt me when he said those shitty things to me. my friends told me i should have dumped him earlier. i just couldnt. i loved him so much. but now, i hate him. and he had the audacity to ask if we can still be friends. i was so pissed! he even asked me if i was mad or sad abt the situation. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT??? i was so angry. but i had a plan too. id be friends with him but ima do the same exact thing he did. i want him to have a taste of his own medicine. i wont call him racial slurs or anything. but i will leave him on read, delievered, and all that crap. the last message he sent before i left him on read was not to tell his brother we dated. but i already told his brother yesterday. 
why would i listen to some scumbag? and he deserves to know too. but i am still healing from the breakup. but hopefully highschool has something for me.

please, highschool, give me good plans for the future. my only hope ❤️‍🩹

rodrick heffley