Welcome aboard and thank you for choosing to fly with us. Please, unfasten your seat belts. If you haven’t already done so, please stow your standards underneath the seat in front of you or in an overhead bin. At this time, your portable electronic devices must be at full volume until an announcement is made upon arrival. If you are seated next to someone, please laugh as loud as possible. If you are unable to perform the functions described, try harder. We remind you that this is a probably-should-have-gotten-fucked-up-first flight. Smoking and drinking is encouraged on the entire aircraft, including the lavatories. If you have any questions about our flight today, just fuck off. Otherwise, sit tight and enjoy the flight.

Copilots