cover of waterstrider/little dragon

twice i turned my back on you
i fell flat on my face but didn't lose
tell me where would i go?
tell me what lead you on i'd love to know

was it the blue night gone fragile
was it both men in wonder steady going under
was it the light ways so frightening
was it two wills one nearer holding us dearer, now?

thought i had an answer once
but your random ways swept me along
colossal signs so i got lost
with so many lovers singing soft

was it the blue night gone fragile?
was it both men in wonder steady going under?
was it the light ways so frightening?
was it two wills one nearer holding us dearer now?

twice i turned my back on you
i fell flat on my face but i didn't lose
tell me where would i go?
tell me what lead you on i'd love to know

was it the blue night gone fragile?
was it both men in wonder steady going under?
was it the light ways so frightening?
was it two wills one nearer holding us dearer now?

twice

today i am good enough
i don't feel the pressure to excel
they've always told me be true to myself
but i fear everyone else is gone

i am disconnected from their passions
and their loves and all their dreams
and everyone

but with you i'm not, no i'm not
with you i am a beam of light 
flashing forward and backward through time

i am flashing through time
i am flashing through my world 
and your world and their worlds
are full of health and full of help 

and i can provide that 

in small measures
in small measures 
in small measures
in small measures

the smallest measures are
one of the greatest 
kindnesses we can bestow

when we are connected 
when we are connected
when we are connected

i am only connected through you
i am only connected through you

they say that i shouldn't fight

so i won't fight
so i won't fight

i won't fight

i won't fight, i won't fight
i won't fight, i won't fight
i won't fight, i won't fight
i won't fight, i won't fight
i won't fight, i won't fight

i won't fight

measures

i have a poem but it's not mine
someday soon it will be ashes and saltwater brine
i try to prepare for the struggles ahead
everyday i say it's gonna be different
but it's not it's not 

it's not about what you take when you go
it's about what you leave behind 
but what i've left is a sad mother
and a lot of regrets

maybe if i hadn't dropped out of school
maybe if i had've taken that sponsorship
maybe if i hadn't got so caught up in this tangled web of
misery misery 

maybe if someone hadn't held up a gun to my head
and said get down get down
i wouldn't have had a breakdown breakdown

maybe i'd be finishing o-chem
maybe i'd be finishing biology
cartesian coordinates 
radiographic representation 
so that i can understand it
and explain it to my peers 
who couldn't understand it

here i am in my red sweater and my dyed pink hair 
and my piercings and the voicemails 
on my message machine sayin' hey!
we heard from you and 
we are interested but they keep
calling my by the wrong name so why should i

listen 

i'm supposed to get clean
i'm supposed to go to school
i'm supposed to be something

because nobody 
in my family was nothing
and i wanna be something

my mom said 
she's gonna be a lab tech
and i wish her the best
but i'm gonna be stuck here
in this mess

all because of stress and
electrons so if i ever
get run over by a bus
i hope maybe you can hear this song 
and say maybe you could be inspired to participate

don't let it pass you by
just work on your potential
and i know they say
try harder try harder
try try harder try  
they told me try harder
try harder try harder

but maybe it'll be different in 70 years
maybe people like me 
with brain damage could go to college 

and become doctors
'cuz you know you got a shortage of doctors 
and the ones we got are kinda fucked up
if you look at their licensing 
and practice and policy and their records

if this is the one song that i leave behind
i wish that my mom could become a lab tech 
and fulfil her dreams of being important 

i saved a man's life at the 
bus terminal 
he was overdosing

and i gave him breaths 
and i gave him compressions 
and i gave him stern rubs
and i got him against the wall
and i kept giving him breaths

and i kept helping him up 
and telling him 
it's gonna be OK
it's gonna be OK 

and i had an argument
with the security officer
he thought it was a heart attack
but i knew better and
i told him to call 911 and bring narcan

and they did
and eve was nice
she wanted my contact information
but i wouldn't give it to her 
cause it wouldn't matter anyway

because i'm just a speck on this earth 
and all the things that i dreamed of being 

i don't think i'm ever gonna be them

be them

cover of sufjan stevens

o come o come emmanuel
and ransom captive israel
that mourns in lonely exile here
until the son of god appears

rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!
rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!

o come thou day-spring come and cheer
our spirits by thine advent here
disperse the gloomy clouds of night
and death's dark shadows put to flight

rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!
rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!

o come o come thou lord of might
who to thy tribes on sinai's height
in ancient times did'st give the law
in cloud, and majesty and awe

rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!
rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!
rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!
rejoice, rejoice, rejoice!

o come o come emmanuel

ok alright let's try this
i keep saying let's try this 
on like every recording i ever do
in my whole life so 
let's just try this one i guess
based on science
skience!
ok

the world is new again 
the universe is new again
and it's new every time you wake up
every time you open your eyes
but we don't realize the significance 
of molecular disguise

and we know that we are too small 
to make a real difference
and the massive motion 
of the forward momentum of the universe
and it's so massive and incomprehensible 
and we are just atoms
floating in the distance 
and we try to make a difference

but it's just physics 
it's just molecules
it's just particles
it's just neurochemicals
it's just neurochemicals

it's dopamine it's serotonin
and acetylcholine
and GABAergic
adrenergic receptors 
and NMDA-1 transmisstors

and the endocrine system is a delight
hormones raging through the night
we are atoms floating on the night
and we try to make a difference

we focus on building walls
building homes building shelters
gathering food 
and clothing ourselves 
and skinning animals
and foraging for berries and
having many children who are the products of 
these great big generations 
of love and love
 
and it's the universe perpetuating itself forward
and every single person who lands on this earth 
is a part of the cosmic whole 
that's always shifting 
energy shifting states are shifting 

economic statuses and global dynamics and
corporations rising up and the flow of the market moves 
just like the universe moves and just like the people move

and people get jobs 
so they can live in their houses 
that are built with their walls 
that they never stay in
because they're always working
9-5 ends to meet
go to the grocery store and get some meat

and maybe send those kids to school 
and get some education 
and the things that we are learning 
are the same as the universe 
because we're always moving forward 
and never backwards

and maybe that's entropy
maybe that's just the product of chaos expanding
everything's expanding

we are just floating in it's rings 
a product of neurochemistry
little tiny balls of human atoms 
floating through the cosmic inter-dimensional shift 
strings pulled

you know moore's law says that the rate 
that we can store information on a device
will increase two-fold every two-years
and someday that'll stop and 
who knows what'll happen when that stops
and we don't know what'll happen when we stop 

expanding

will we freeze
will we freeze

i feel frozen
i feel frozen

and maybe that's the end of all beings 
cataclysmic changes occur
and we're all stuck frozen we're all stuck frozen
we're all stuck frozen we're all stuck frozen

and if the universe eventually will freeze 
and the people on the earth feel frozen
and chilly and stagnant in their lives 
does that mean that we're really just 
copying the universe at large
a physical representation of discord/harmony

all that meant to say:

i feel stuck i feel stuck 
i feel stuck i feel stuck 
i feel stuck stuck 

opportunities arise and i feel stuck
maybe it would feel better if i thought about it 
like i'm a part of the universe
that'll eventually be stuck

thaw

we are a tiny little ball
we are pale with the pall
and i wonder if molecules 
aren't the problem at all

but it's time time time time

it is my biggest enemy
i used to think it was stagnation
but today i will be unafraid 
to sit in isolation

and pick up the phone and go to the bus station
library and take the classes and pass that polygraph
even if i have to bite my tongue
for those goddamn control questions

and it is time time 
i'm always writing about running away from time
i am running out of time

so i am gonna let time come to me and 
i am gonna let time come to me
and i am gonna let time come to me
i am gonna let time come to me

come to me
come to me
come to me 

stand and face me
stand and face me 
stand and face me

because i am tired of being afraid
tired of running away

so come and face me
wake up and face me

arena

hands lifted to temples
there are many rooms 

closer there are desert plains
some are hot some are harsh
some are sacred sacred spaces
i protect with my life blood

and in many rooms there are many halls
in them all they will fall for the architect
the architect is a body made out of mine
sitting across from me in-tact
and they all bend to him 

some rooms have earth in their rearview mirror
geometrical shapes that you spin
farmers almanacs that you keep to box you in
there's a steady presence holding your shoulder
behind you firm grip keeping you from falling off the cliff

and you can think of nothing more
than to fiercely guard it with your life
embracing you worn clothing 
with the smell of fresh mountain dew
you have made mountains here

of brilliant lights 
it's fearlessness it's fearlessness
it's above the grass and above 
it's the musical laughter pounding music
and holding the reins in place

the next room is a ship
turning and twisting
the next room is a house
and a basement with no stairs

no exit no exit 
no exit no exit 
no exit no exit
no exit no exit 

the only me is me 
are you sure the only you is you?

signs

[happy Mother's Day!]

every hurt opportunity 
is a hope for potential
every missed chance you take 
is a hope for redemption

and i don't know how loud i can make this
because my mom is sleeping in the other room
she sleeps often and i don't know what to do
so i sing about hope and potential
and hope one day she can find these words

and hang on, just hang on
this song is about my mom
i can't really afford to buy her a gift
so instead i'm making promises
and i don't know if i can keep them
when i'm moving forward on my own

i want to go to college
i want to do a bachelor of arts in philosophy
and english, to prove that i can be this 
person of impact, person of impact

my mom wants to be a lab tech
and my promise does not reflect that
even though i could come up with the money
but maybe i'll take the money out of my student loan
and maybe i'll keep captioning for rev
just to pay my shitty apartment bill
on the campus

while she reaches, reaches
forward instead of backwards
forward instead of backwards
forward instead of standing on the tip
of that bridge and wondering 
could i fall off, could i fall off, could i fall off

i've wondered the same thing of myself
but i could never go through with it
'cause they say that makes you a coward
but i think it's a move into health
i think it's a move into health

to recognize that you don't have the
ability to override the survival mechanism
in your mind that tells you to just wake up one more time
and fight, just fight 

just don't

just don't, just don't,
and they say try harder
and they say try harder
they say try harder

why don't you try harder
why don't you just get up and face the day
there's no real difficulty in doing that
but these people don't understand
neuroscience, and the way the brain moves
soaked potential, soaked potential

in every neuron, but they don't fire
but they don't fire so you just keep fighting
and keep hanging on, on
keep hanging on

someday that promise will be kept
and i hope you hang on until then
'cause i really think you're gonna have a blast

and i can't wait to see your face
when i gather up all the money and show you
what you've been missing

it's gonna happen

all you gotta do is just work for it
and i'm gonna work for it
because i can, wake up and
sometimes that means that's your duty 
to wake up and take care of what you can

so don't worry, fam
i got you, i got you
i got you, i got you

carry

i can take my weapon
i can take my weapon
but i am a conscientious objector
i am a conscientious objector
but i don't really know what that means
so i keep fighting

i can use my words as a weapon
i can use my breath as a tool
they say breathe in breathe out 
count out to four, hold it for four
breathe out for four, then inhale for four

what are you fighting for
for the corporations
we say we're going to war
so we drop the mother of all bombs
on these civilians, and these hard workers
and these terrorists

i can get a bomb too, i can get a bomb too
these words are weapons
nuclear transmissions, hyperbolic barriers
and extra dimensions
i can get a weapon

i can get a weapon, i can load it up
i can a weapon and i can load it up
i can get a weapon, i can sit on the bus
i can get a weapon, i can aim it at your head

but i won't accomplish anything
because when you're dead 
you have no potential
when you are dead 
you have no hope, no hope

no hope to resolve this conflict
no hope to resolve this conflict
no hope to resolve this conflict
no hope to resolve this conflict

no hope to

[May 20th | Honors Project | @sharkradio | 7 Cups of Tea]

dissociation occurs as a natural product
of human evolution, designed to induct us
into a state of being that's constructive

it happens even when you are bored,
sitting alone on a park bench
waiting for a friend, you might get zoned

or when you walk out of the front door 
and put on that mask
of professionalism and behavioural tact
that people do every day

but sometimes when you experience trauma
dissociation occurs to endure it
memories of specific occurrences may fracture
into a non-linear state of recollection
that's why the DSM definition of PTSD
involves a criterion mentioning a loss 
of crucial information during the event

dissociation is really difficult to define
as it manifests in many different forms,
some of which are lack of retention
or loss of identity-awareness
or zoning out on the bus
or creating little pieces of yourself
little boxes with these constructs
that you slip into when necessary

or maybe it's seeing colors and light
or maybe it's regression into childlike
or maybe it's a flattening of emotional affect
so that you don't have to handle the impact

but when you have a dissociative disorder
these things begin to happen in real-time
when no trauma is present
and the stimulus is benign
not a simple zoning-out of boredom 
but defect, as defined by the DSM

defect is a medical term that we should reject
and in the latest versions it's been replaced by disorder
and dysfunction, and dysregulation of ordinary life order

and it becomes habit, it becomes a part of us
to dissociate when things become a little rough
or when we're talking about things that are a little tough
maybe we become little-stuff
or our eyes move farther and farther away
from reality that's developed a distaste
to our neurochemistry
instead of having fight-or-flight,
we have freeze

sometimes instead of freeze
we have fawn,
and that happens when you've been in it so long
that the only way to survive is to appease your masters
please your abusers and manage
to prevent them from causing more damage

and that's a sign of dissociation too,
when you enter a state of 
constant-pleasing your family, 
pleasing your bosses,
pleasing your loved-ones, 
get on that cross and
prostrate yourself for the Greater Good
so you can endure the fall-out, that you've got it
and exit that situation in knowledge 
that you've withstood 
that you've mitigated force and oppression
by kneeling down and offering yourself
submission

abuse is a tricky thing
perpetrators have tools of reckoning
they use conditioning
and grooming
and brainwashing
and manipulation 
to prevent you from realization
that you're being harmed

cognitive dissonance plays a significant role
in how dissociation works
because it allows you to hold
two separate thoughts at once
and when you focus on the damaging ones
so your mind just lets you 
so you can live this once
so you can live this once
so you can live this once
live this once

dissociation is one of the primary symptoms
of post-traumatic stress disorder
because we usually develop 
dissociative responses
as a result of event-oriented 
or complex trauma

the treatment of dissociation and PTSD
usually involves logical and rational deconstruction
of the events in question
and the road is long, and the road is hard,
and it's winding and it's ripped up and savage
but when you do this, you begin to learn
how your brain's coped for so many years

and you can identify
when your eyes distance themselves from your life
and you can identify
when your emotions distance themselves from your life
and you can identify
when you slip into a box of facets to survive

and when you can begin to identify these things
that's when the prospect of healing springs
even though it may not seem like much
you gotta get on that road 
and march through the dust
through the dust
march through the dust

lightsun