There's a bar in Barcelona called the Harlem Jazz Club. 

The first time I went there was with 2 Finnish girls and we improvised on stage for the open mic and we played the hell out of the place. 

So the next time I returned there by myself I expected it to be just the same, the few old shitty guys playing on stage for a handful of people, but no. 

It was packed, almost sixty heads sitting around the tables or hanging at the edges of the stage which was loaded with prestige instruments. 

The entrance cost 6 euros unless you wanted to play there so I signed up to get in for free. 

The band was shit-hot, playing sexy rhythm and blues mixed with jazz and I was scared shitless but I held my ground when it was my turn. 

The next time I came back with a friend who beatboxed, and we got totally stoned and went on stage to tear out my most blood-drenched madhouse blues songs. 

There was a homeless Chinese old woman on the piano and I screamed Chinese to her red-eyed, making her sting her sharp notes on the ears of the audience. 

The drummer was slacking and I screamed at him to punch harder and faster, Bonham-style, and we built up an arsenal of devastating psychedelia, through which I shouted threats to kill anyone who tried to leave the room. 

The previous performer had been a slick black pimp and the audience had thrown roses at him. 

With us it would have been rocks had they dared, but we stood our ground so immense, so hostile and uncompromising they could do nothing but listen. 

All the lovely couples had stopped talking. 

The sweat and spit from my mouth flew in their eyes. 

Everyone was frozen, looking nervously at what this Nordic madman would do next. 

I jumped on a table and swore eternal war against complacency. 

I tore out the hearts of my old loves, chewed them up and took a shit in the eyes of the audience. 

After we were through they didn't know what to do, but the applause came slowly. 

A guy grabbed my arm after the show. 

"I've never heard anything like it", he said. "What stuff was that?" 

"I don't know", I said.

But it was fun.

Getting Fucked Up In An Open Mic Night

Thomas noBody