As a continuation of my recent explorations into making place-based electroacoustic music, I created this dance/noise track by manipulating audio field recordings that I captured at the intersection of Burrard Street and West Georgia Street in so-called “Vancouver”. These recordings comprised the sole source material for this work.

Burrard and West Georgia

Inspired by the theme of “beginnings”, I had the idea to create electroacoustic works by manipulating an iPhone Voice Memo that I recorded three years ago while attempting to write a song for the first time. This recording represents the “beginning” of my experiments in music-making. Each of the tracks that comprise “heart poured out in vain” were created strictly by processing the audio from this recording using Ableton Live (no other audio source material was used).

The lyrics that I’m singing in the Voice Memo (which was automatically entitled “New Recording”) are:

All the things that I can’t change
All the ways you drive me crazy
Taking my words the wrong way
Heart poured out, it’s all in vain

With that said, there are no lyrics to be found within this collection of experimental sound works, which can perhaps be characterized as noise and/or ambient music.

interlude

intro

This work was created for The Haven's virtual art gallery, Queer Digital Intimacies: https://thehaven.lgbt/queerdigitalintimacies

“take one tablet once daily” is an electroacoustic music / sound art piece that I composed using audio that I recorded while taking my HRT (hormone replacement therapy) pills for the first time in November 2021.

As someone who is often recording sounds, it made sense that I would record this moment, which represents the beginning of a new chapter of my gender embodiment or “transition”. The idea of archiving my own experiences is central to my practice as a musician and sound artist, so it felt right to create a track using this recording as source material.

Creating this track prompted me to ask myself: which details about my life, and my transition, are truly “intimate”? In some ways, there is an inherent sense of intimacy whenever you are creating artwork that represents or outlines specific moments or details of your life. You are putting your heart on your sleeve, so to speak, and there is vulnerability in that. You open yourself up to potential criticism, projection, and disapproval from others. At the same time, however, you open yourself up to the possibility of warmth, celebration, joy, and acceptance. It becomes much easier to lean into intimacy and to express yourself freely when you have a sense that others will hold you up with love and care.

With all of this in mind, sharing this piece (“take one tablet once daily”) does require me to lean into intimacy. There is vulnerability in being open about your transition in a transphobic world…in a world where there are certainly folks who do not hold transgender people up with love and care. I guess I could simply share the music and not elaborate on the connection to HRT and my transition, and that would be less intimate (in some way). However, I do not want to let the risk of disapproval or rejection from others stop me from sharing my experiences honestly, and with confidence. Trans-ness often requires us to choose authenticity, vulnerability, and intimacy in the face of fear. Fortunately, we can be confident that our queer and trans siblings will be there to celebrate with us.

take one tablet once daily

i won't get any closer

i know that you think i’ll be alright, but the truth is
i know that you think i’ll be just fine, but the truth is
every time you birthday comes around
i start to freak out
every time i see you downtown,
i wanna hide out
everything had always been the same, and 
now it feels like we’re turning a page, but
i don’t think i can even explain what i’m feeling

i thought i’d love you ’til the end of time
i still think of the nights we drank red wine
picture my fingertips along your spine
just you and me hanging out on cloud nine

and maybe you still want to have me around,
but i think i’ve run out of patience now
cuz i don’t know what you think when i reach out
i wish you would let me see more of yourself

i thought i’d love you ’til the end of time
i still think of the nights we drank red wine
picture my fingertips along your spine
just you and me hanging out on cloud nine

Birthday (home recording)

breathe in like oxygen i let you in one minute and you'll see that i don't have much capacity for taking it easy but i'm on cloud nine with you i kill time without you think of sunrises spent with you she don't shine without you

Tough Sell

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