 Sitting here looking back at all the things we had done, hockey games, long car rides in the caddy to go watch the setting sun. It breaks my heart to think that your time here on earth is done, and now I am left with only a photograph to remind me of your face. That beautiful smile that seemed to disarm any bad thing that I was trying to deal with and send it away without a trace, Shelli there is no way you could ever be replaced…  You were like a ray of sunshine, poking its way through the clouds to shine down upon me in my dark times, times of sadness, and times of doubt. It feels like its been so long since the last time I saw you, but at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday, I can honestly say that since then I have missed you, and now that you are gone I can wholeheartedly say that I will truly miss you, but one things for sure I or anyone else that ever knew you will never ever forget you, oh sweet, sweet Shelli bean, I will never forget you…


You were selfless, always placing everyone else first. Genuine tears would flow when you heard all the dirt. But that didn’t stop you from saying lets go for a ride before you do something stupid, first. Before you go on that stupid course of action that you are about to take, come try a piece of my grandpa’s chocolate cake, it’ll make you forget about it, and we’ll just laugh about it, and move on and never think about it. Lets go have fun, take a ride up middle canyon and hit that one bump at high speed as we come out of it, and just laugh because that’s all we will ever need. Shelli bean it’s a sad day today knowing that you are gone now, but my memory of you will never fade. And till the day I die knowing that you are gone will cause a tear to spin down the cheek of my face.

My heart aches for the loss of you, but at the same time I know that you are in a better place. You no longer have to deal with life and all its aches and pains. You are now free to roam about the heavens; because there is no way that you would be in any other place. It s kind of funny to think that I always said that you had an angelic type face and now you are sitting up there in heaven as one, looking down upon us all with that same sweet smile upon your face. I will hold onto our memories for the rest of my life, because they couldn’t be bought for the highest of prices! And suffice it to say you were priceless, and the sweetest, nicest, and by far the most kindest person I ever knew, dear sweet, sweet Shelli Bean this is the truth, all of us that you left behind here on earth will miss you, so very much. We will miss you!



Shelli Bean

Untitled, (Instrumental for my new song)

This is a song written about all the daily dose of crap I get from other people to follow their beliefs or denounce my own. And how I am striving everyday to continue on the path that I choose... 

Swallow your pills

Words become unheard, 
Sidelong glances from a past life seem undisturbed.
I am a mere reflection of a ghost in a lifelong battle of sorts
And now I am the captain of this ship steering it direct, 
And always set on the right course.
I the host now set the stage for a translation of quotes 
to accompany these keys as they hit all the right notes
standing there at the ballot line waiting to cast in the right votes
but as a castaway I throw in the life preserver to save me from drowning in my own moat 
yet here I am as I float down the river of doubt
trying to contemplate my own way out
fighting against the current 
I kick, I scream, I shout
Some used to say I was a lost cause and that a friendship to me would only cost you pain and agony but now here I am responsible and when you need something you can rely on me. Thanks and praise will never be enough to those of you that stuck by me, had faith in me, and saw something inside of me that even I could not see. I was blind to it ya see. I owe you my life, I owe you my sobriety, but above all I thank God you believed in me so that I could be the man that He intended me to be. The man you all knew that I could be! And now when I look in the mirror, this man that you all once saw figuratively is the man that is now my reflection staring back at me! 


My Reflection

Spiritual warfare tries to invade, like some sort of a charade, lay waste with a serenade, to the untimely death of an intoxicated raid upon my thoughts that are of the abstract and I react in a positive way. Focus on the intent until the negative fully vents and there is a sense of relief and I let out a breath of fresh air, yeah I breathe in deep and finally let out a breath of fresh air. The skies are blue today and all I can think about is the way the light shines directly down upon my face. No longer hiding in the shadows fighting for the days to become night so that I can remain out of sight. I strive for the sun to rise each and every day. In a way I forget about the pain, that I had yesterday and I focus on the beauty that God laid right in front of my face… Like the birds taking flight up to the clouds that are an amazing sight, it’s so true and pure!

The Sun Will Rise

From the very moment that I opened up my eyes I know that you were looking down upon me filled with nothing but pride. And as the years went on I know that you could see that even though I was in a human body that an Angel is all I would ever be. In school I was very intelligent and good at everything, I could have applied myself and really become something. But as the years went on I started drifting away, from the path that you had set out right in front of me. 
Instead of leading the sheep I started following the wolves, I found instant gratification in drugs and alcohol. It became my habit, it became my everything, it became your replacement, it replaced my family, it became my lover, it became my friend, it became my life, and you know what it did to me in the end, it left me without a family, it left me without a home, it left me without anyone that I could call upon. 
So placing that needle inside of my veins was all that was left to do,
To try to fill the hole inside of my heart because I was missing you,
 I felt like there was nothing that I could do to ever fix me or my soul, so you know what I did God I decided to end it all,
 I overdosed myself with hopes of going to hell, because nothing could be as bad as living inside of this sad and lonely shell. The last thing I really can remember was staring at my face in the mirror and watching the tears spin down my cheek and at that moment it seemed so clear, and in that moment of weakness I took one last breath and plunged the black liquid inside and then this world started to fade away from eyes. I let out one last breath and then the world faded away and I said goodbye
 Next thing I knew I was awake but lying on the floor of my hotel room, and I said God Dammit! God I hate you! Why won’t you just let me die, why won’t you just let me leave? Why won’t you just relieve me from all this pain and misery?
That’s when You told me that You loved me, You told me that You cared, You told me to get up and to leave all my heartache and pain right there, You guided my every step out of that hotel room, and I stepped out into a sunny blue skied afternoon.  
And ever since then, I have had a profound look at life, it is such a beautiful thing, it is such an amazing sight and I cannot believe that you alone breathed this all into life. Your word breathed it all into life. Since that day I got my family back, since that day I now have a place to call home, now I have a great job, I feel like I really have it all. I am creating art again, I am creating music made from my soul, and you know what I cannot thank you enough, to you God I owe it all! I owe it all to you, and this is my letter to You…


My Letter of Truth

Such a unique world we live in. Such a dynamic color scheme of skin tones seeking out refuge in such a place is a task to some appears to be no easy feat. To others its as easy as goin to get some fast food to eat. And you know what everyone has a story to tell, and each and every one is unique to say the least. To envision this world to be one without stories is obsolete. In my opinionated view, which is just me saying to you, how I feel and just exactly what it is that I would do if the end games decision, were all up to me.

I will just be me, if you just be you. Cause that is all we will ever have to do.

Different varieties in direction. Did you see that girl? Most would say she was on the list for perfection. But to me she is just a fake plastic coated media labeled beauty. Whose ego is bloated and really needing to just be herself for once in her life instead of just trying to please everyone else. And spending most of her time in front of the mirror. Could I be much more clearer in the way I feel, because the way I feel is that beauty could not be bought, injected, or applied. To me it comes from inside. Like a fire burning that warms you to the soul, to the core, and always leaving you wanting more...

I will just be me, if you just be you, after all that is all we will ever have to do!!!

Just Be

Looking to the sky waiting patiently for a sign, but these trees, birds, clouds, and stars seem to be in the way of my eyes field of view. The view where the only thing I am ever supposed to see is you. I don’t have time to keep waiting. I prayed for myself to have patience time and time again and it’s frustrating. I hear nothing, I see nothing, and I feel nothing. All I am feeling is feelings that are aggravating. Contemplating to your existence seems to be a waste of persistence, so I am just going to go listen to this song sung, by this beautiful girl with this beautiful voice that appears to have bottomless lungs. For instance she hits this note that gives me the chills, kind of like when my grandmother would hold me when I was young and ill. But after a few minutes that song is done and then I am back to pretending that there is a God up above. A god that is supposed to have created things of amazing proportion but why then do we have things in this life violence, hate, rape, and abortion? Its as if a loving kind and caring God doesn’t exist. Maybe he moved on and left us to fight our own battles in hopes that one day when he returned we would all say please save us you have been missed, and all would beg, plead, and grovel upon their knees for his heavenly kiss. 
I’m sure that there would be lines upon lines of people claiming that if just given one more chance they would become his/ But they all just seem to want to see a sign, one that in nature is clearly divine, come on God just show us a sign. Just one more sign.
Haven’t I shown you enough? I have fed 5000 with only 5 loaves of bread. And I even woke up Lazarus from sleeping upon his eternal bed, from his eternal bed! I have calmed the seas when the waves were roaring and you would not believe in me. I even commanded that fig tree to not produce any more fruit or leaves, and you know what it did? It obeyed me! Yet you still doubt me like Thomas did… Like Thomas did wanting to see the holes where I had bled!
Well how am I to perceive you, the faithless claiming to be faithful? And the righteous un-righteously claiming to be full of the good word. Yet turning around and molesting the collection plate and then squandering everything in your name. Well to me it feels as if they use you as a ploy and that the religious sects of this world use you to puppeteer us all as toys. But then again when I prayed throughout all those hard times, you calmed all the noise that I had going on inside of my mind. And after being an insomniac for so long I prayed that prayer at the end of Psalm 4 and I laid my head down after casting all my fears, cares and concerns upon you. I got some much needed rest…?
So maybe I was wrong all along and there really is a God up above, and all those things that were blocking my view was just a slight glimpse of the beautiful version of You.   


Undeniable

You are out there somewhere, waiting for me. I am out here standing still trying to wait patiently. 
You are out there somewhere waiting for me I am out here standing patiently. Beauty they say lies in the eyes of the beholder, and now that I am seeing clearly through these new eyes, I cannot wait to see what beauty truly means. I have so longed for the moment to say that I have found a love that lasts endlessly. 
Truth lies underneath the torn seams and all the places that you are the least likely to peek into. That way when you have fought hard enough to solidify the resolve, you yourself will see that underneath this seam lies only truth and beauty. A beauty that lasts for eternity.


Waiting

My clarity comes in spurts of flesh denying moments and substance unloving devotion. 
I am just a character amidst the wolves that lay slain by the sheep and their slaughter. 
Defying for the thousandth time whether or not I am cloaked by Your mercy. 
I know the paths don’t meet up where I had previously hoped, but hey at least I am not hanging at the end of a rope. 
Two hands grasp firmly the wheel of direction. 
And I am ready to lose control. 
If only for a moment I live this day with hopes and aspirations. 
After all you have seen the worst in me and you still shown me love, You still shown me love! 
So with that in mind should I quit punishing myself?
No, I know I can’t go backwards. 
Forward momentum is the only sense of belonging and progression that I yearn for. 
I just can’t bring myself to let go of it completely.
I am who I am because of it. 
I do not hate myself, so no regrets, no remorse. 
Maybe my life will be the next course of study in this life of carelessness and absurdity. 
Who will I be after the world gives up on you? 
Maybe nothing more than another catch 22!


Clarity

So I am a starving artist that cannot seem to stick with just one style. I come from a hardcore/metal background and was a screaming vocalist for years. I started playing guitar in my mid teens, and then slowly started adding any and all other instruments I could get my hands onto. I play drums, guitar, piano, bass, and a few other random ones. I do however feel that the spoken word can dwarf all of them. I have been in multiple bands and they all seem to end the same way, with someones ego getting too big, or everyone being more concerned with becoming a "Rockstar" well before we were really even ready to play shows without messing up. A few years back a friend of mine introduced me to a 4 track tape recorder and taught me how to use it. I spent many hours creating songs, and ended up with over 4 hours worth of songs. I have now joined the digital music world and started creating tracks such as these, but am only 2 months into it. I do put my heart and soul into everything I do, my words are a gateway into who I am and how I feel. Placing myself out there for all to see. The definition of the word 'Transpicuous' is to be transparent. I feel that it fits me perfectly, as I am someone that does not hide anything, when it comes to my music I am like an open book, waiting for the world to read. So please, sit down put on some headphones and join me in my journey... Thanks for listening... Grace and peace!

transpicuous