A (nearly finished) demo from the upcoming record tentatively titled "Begin Again."

Lyrics
step on sands
of another people's coast
feel estranged
lonely like you feel no one else could know
squint through eyes
tortured, clamped open wide
listen, you may learn 
if you can learn to shut the fuck up

together, start working all night long
imagine singing different songs
as if by attempt, forgotten all the words
and thereby forgotten all the hurt		
 if we forget how to feel pain
we can't learn to love again
we'll just keep on spinning wheels
as if it were thoughts that made us real

all this time...
am i scared that I...
should i run or stay...
is it already too late...
all this time...
have we made up our minds...
is it fear or fight...
do we breathe or die...
all this time...
too scared to fight
do we turn away...
become our mistakes...
all this time...
have we made up our minds...
is it fear or fight...
do we breathe or die...

i've been known to rush in where angels fear to tread
my heart on my sleeve, engendering trust
for those who've never had a real friend

and if it isn't clear, i made up my mind,
I breathe, I hurt, 
when there's a battle that can be won
i stay and I fight
I remember all the words, 
i sing the new and the old songs
i remember all the hurt
for friends that died in unwinnable fights
let our pain remind us of who we are

its not just about the refugees i've known, 
but how we broke bread in each others homes
lets not fight just to see who can boast the most pain
but live to be students of each others mistakes
it is not my thoughts that make me real
its what i choose to do and feel
this is not gas for lighting fires or tires sqeal
but for miles to drive and kisses to steal

Learn Again

you and i could only stoke these coals
for so long and the campfire eventually went cold
so you packed your things
hiked out your trash and went home
and i woke up alone

and i'm trying to believe in things
i cannot see, i cannot say
who this is, the man i am today
i'm still in here, you still know me
but everything has changed
-- i still feel the same
and i don't know my way

i just can't get down on my knees
you see what i want you to see
i'm not the man i thought i would be
if i just could get down on my knees

and i'm trying to believe in things
i cannot see, i cannot say
who this is, the man i am today
i'm still in here, you still know me
but everything has changed

The Ashes Are Cold

My friend Paul died.  It breaks my heart that people feel alone and lost and succumb to their demons instead of reaching out.  I don't know what happened... how Paul died, but I know he had struggles.  I recorded an old song of his -- one he wrote many years ago that has helped me through many things in my life.  I hope it can mean something to someone else too.

Read more here: https://trustdarkness.com/blog/2019/07/05/better-way/

2019

A Better Way

Trying new things... over analyzing... being excessively dramatic... feeling like a teenager... making mistakes... feeling deep grief -- about this, before, other times and other people...  wishing things had been different... trying to forgive myself... we are all broken, but still need touch and kindness and compassion.

on a moonlit night
in a trance-like state
with a gut punched love
and a guilty gait
behind a douglas fir he waits
while my body hesitates

fear is just what I need 
to break these chains
to fill this need
and I don't think that this will mean that much
but a wrecked heart still needs to touch

he touches my face
his hands feel so strong
and it feels foreign 
but it doesn't feel wrong
my bones have yearned for this
as I lean into his kiss

the song in the dream said
that you share my name when you share my bed
but i don't think my name is worth much
and a wrecked heart still needs to touch
(but I miss you so much)

you couldn't have been here with me
to feel this change
and i couldn't have come home to you
smelling of his aftershave
i've struggled with these feelings for most of my life
and this is just one night
but i'm seeing through new eyes
it's like they're not mine
but the moon is so bright

fear is just what i need
to shed this skin
to feel relief 
and i don't think that this will change that much
but a wrecked heart still needs to touch.

Wrecked Hearts

I was wrong for not telling you
how much pain I'd been in 
and I was wrong for not stopping you 
from leaving the way you did...
even if it wouldn't have changed
any goddamned thing
you deserve better than either of us could give

last night, i looked up at the stars
wondered where and how you are
i'm wishing you well from here

Stepping Forward

A song written many years ago but never recorded, about living in stagnation and the need to move and act instead of getting lost in the inner loops of the brain.

is confidence
something lost over time?
for the young and the blind? 
and why am i still trying?

is helplessness
coming with each grey hair?
do we invite it unaware?
to lay bricks of despair?

and is giving up just something we construct
to measure trust?

so long to watching trains leave town,
as the cop escorts me down

railroads
not knowing where you'd go
projecting on the night
what's happening inside
highways 
that once went state to state
now making ocean sounds
that just don't calm me down
railroads 
hear the whistle call
feeling 2 foot small
highways 
thumb extended east
trying to make peace

so long to watching trains leave town
as my heart begins to pound
so long to seeking peace inside
it's time to take a drive
so long to looking for the truth
let's see what we can do
so long to trying to have faith
let's see what we can change.

2020

So Long

A vaguely pandemic related song... this is a re-imagining of a couple of parts I wrote many years ago with some new parts.  Finding hope in darkness.

Clasped hands on a quiet evening
behind boarded windows and doors
The glow of the streetlights bathes the sky
For those still outside

We once had a dream long ago
We let it sleep never to bleed never to grow
Now the days replace days without hope 
The days replace days and we know
We have no strength
so  we stay 
With our fears 
Still we pray

three moons rise above the mountains
colors vividly remind
imagination can breed hope
where there was no hope to find
in these strange landscapes
we'll lock eyes, 
you'll see that i have faith 
in what we'll grow to be

Three Moons

something i started working on over the weekend... will probably eventually become part of a larger composition (if i keep it)... 

i wake up
oppressed by restless dreams
try to contain my nightmares
by waking various screens

outside everything's still changing
there's comfort in the chaos
assured that i don't have to be
alone with my own thoughts

outside nothing seems to be moving
except occasional passersby
masked but vaguely friendly
a furtive locking of eyes

my hands aren't tied
but they can't move
can't go outside
there's nothing to do

the clouds cover the city like blankets
the quiet of night invades day
as if nature could slowly retake this
menagerie we made

i wake up
it was just a restless dream

Containment

This is a really old song, originally released under the band name "Sleep Deprivation" -- posting because something a friend said reminded me of it.

street lights
shine down
belief in his present frown
let down for dreaming out loud

but holding on...

looking up
to bloody hands
holding true for one last stand
and dreaming of a distand land

still holding on...

The Drama of Dreams

Holding On

Written in November from a place of some loneliness and despair.  Something many of us have been feeling in these isolating times.

Blade runner sky
excuses decide
wind blown ash 
from the forests on fire
old enemy held so close to my chest
fire in my throat if to quiet my head
but I still can't forget
what the new comer said
keep coming back

I know
we've been sick
for so long
you can taste it
lying tastes so good
hiding tastes so good
hurting tastes so good
after so long living in faith

we know
we're all sick
it grows so strong
can you taste it?
fighting tastes so good
crying tastes so good
dying tastes so good
after so long living in faith

woke from the dream just as sober as you went to sleep
tinge of regret, sheets soaking wet
freight train running through the middle of my head

One Morning In November

Birthed in Minnesota... Raised all over... Still Slowly Maturing...

Trust Darkness

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