Whose body is this
Cause I don't think that it's my own
Whose voice is this
It doesn't sound like the one I know
Everything is so different I want my old life back
I wanna be sad but everyone around says I gotta keep my head up
What if I don't want to
How I feel isn't up to you
And I feel

I feel angry
I don't have control over anything
It all happened so fucking fast I didn't have a choice
So whatever happens happens
I'm a shell of my old self
An alien screaming out for help

Listen I'm gonna be honest with you
About what chemo's really like
It's not like what you see in the movies
It will keep you up at night
It eats away at your memory
You think you're going insane
Everyday when you wake up you think
Is today even gonna be a good day
Because I can't even walk by myself
There's my port it sticks out
Lost my hair I don't care
My body's trying to kill me
And the shot you know the shot and the bone pain it caused
And no I can't walk it off

And you know what
I just want to scream so loud just to distract me
From the pain in my stomach
Getting eaten by my Vinblastine
Oh god can you even hear me
And I don't see the light in the end of this
Cause I know there will never be one
I'm always gonna be afraid of it coming back
Even worse than the time before

I wanna be mad
But I don't know where to start
It's hard to put into words
How your life has fallen apart
Just cause I have "the good kind"
It doesn't mean I'm not scared out of my mind
I miss feeling normal
Going to work
And seeing all my friends
Instead nurses in hazmat suits
Are giving me that poison juice

Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I wished these feelings go away go away go away go away go away
Day after day after day after day after day
I prayed these feelings go away go away go away go away go away

Chemo.

Flying Away - Sheppard (Cover)

Picking Up The Pieces - Blue October (cover)

Friend Please - Twenty One Pilots (cover)

Fall Away - Twenty One Pilots (cover)

Everything is so cliche everythings the same in every fucking way
All the words I speak are like a script. Always repeating… repeating... And I’m sick of it.

My dreams are too big and they’re getting in the way
Just for once I’d like to be okay.

I know you. I see you. I know that's all you've ever wanted to hear.
Will this happen? Will I succeed? I am terrified of letting you down.

Everything seems to just get worse but you know he’s there to make it all okay.
It’s all adding up before your eyes. Guess I’m used to all the bullshit and lies.

Panicking in my sleep. Praying to be strong even though I’m weak.

I know you. I see you. I know that's all you've ever wanted to hear.
I live in a facade you keep dreaming of. You’ve gotta open up your eyes to rise above.

I know you. I see you. I know that’s all you’ve ever wanted to hear.
Will this happen? Will you succeed? I know this dream is what you need.

Do you know me? Do you see me? You know that's all I've ever wanted to hear.
This dream.. God damn. It scares me. Because it is all I am.

I know you - Tylar Bonell

Guillotine- Jon Bellion (cover)

Monsters Of The North - The National Parks (cover)

I'm with you - Vance Joy (cover)

June 8, 2019 
my sweet Grammy passed away. Naturally I turned to music to find comfort. Little did I know I found her. It sounds cheesy and maybe even made up, but when I hear this song I feel like she's in the room listening with me. She has and always will be the definition of strength and hope for me so there really isn't a better song to immortalize her with.
I love you so much Grammy. I'm sorry my voice is so shaky. I miss you more than you could ever know. I hope you like this song.

Backs Against The Wall - Judah and The Lion (Cover)

Lay It On Me - Vance Joy (cover)

I just like to play music that feels good :)

Tylar Bonell

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