I was brought up on books with colourful pictures
You learned all your lines from television
It was your personality, looks and oh your figure
Normally I meet perfection with suspicion
I was listening to Big Love, betting that my love was bigger
I hope the phone lines get me through your auditions 
Because I promised at the start to be bidding for your heart
Were you listening?

Other girls would just pull my heart like a muscle
All my pain was barely in remission
You were like the missing piece of a puzzle
Arguing that love’s the human condition
And they measured me at birth
I was the second tallest man on earth
I hope he’s listening
 
But if either of us still seems sad
And they’ve got questions to ask
Like “Would we take each other in stride?”
I’m smiling on the inside

You’re my baby with blue eyes
You’re my baby with blue eyes
You’re my baby with the blue eyes
You’re my baby little blue eyes
Shoo wop, shoo pa doo wah
Shoo wop, shoo pa doo wah
Shoo wop, shoo pa doo wah
Shoo wop, shoo pa doo wah
I’ve been waiting for girl like you with gritted teeth
My heart’s on my sleeve near the mantelpiece
You go south of the border, but Eden’s east
We should start a travelling band

You were carrying black cats, old scars and burdens
Can’t you please put down your superstitions?
Because it only made you madder
When I went walking under ladders
On a mission

Smiling On The Inside

You’ve always worn an apprehensive smile in photographs
But it’s nothing like
The one that you might make whenever you laugh
Love the way you told me you set reminders to watch repeats
Of Supermarket Sweep
Is it so strange to say that I probably prefer Bullseye?
I missed the target altogether when you told me the truth
And you introduced yourself as small, strawberry blonde and 
seeing somebody new

You pulled on my heart by twisting my arm
I can’t fathom your pear-shaped charm
If I want that feeling between us to stick
Then I better act quick

Your back-chatter could kick-off an all-out affair
And the snakes in your hair  
Have a way of holding their own by hissing on a gale force air
I don’t know if I could spend another day on the stairs
I want to be up there
Wherever you are and even if you’re conditioning your hair

I came out my shell a lot less withdrawn
When you informed me you watch sitcoms
To find out more I’ll get behind enemy lines
Before I run out of time

You called in the jury perched on your inflatable chair
Will you be with me? I’d say it’s still up in the air
I’ve pleaded in love so if I’m innocent then throw me in jail
I’d still send you letters- the first baker’s dozen in Braille

I can’t comment if you call the whole thing to a halt
I know it’s not your fault
Let it be known you dumped him in your Paisley-printed top

I’m relieved you’ve revised
Your stance on American guys
That same boyfriend you fired
Keeps on claiming that he just retired
Give me the green light, babe, when you’re ready to recruit
I think that you’re cute, cute

We’ve been meeting up at weekends
Even though I had a part-time job
We’ve been meeting up as best friends
Catching up and kissing in all of the coffee shops
We’ve been meeting up at weekends
You taught me how to prune a Bonsai tree
We’ve been creeping round the retail trends
Boycotting tartan in case it makes you Q to the T
When you’re in the house all on your own
Wearing a jumper that’s baggy and worn
You’re Q to the T and you’re looking at me

Q To The T

Honey Mustard

Funny if you think for a minute
Where we were this time last year
Sitting here in the same place
Drinking different kinds of coffee
I offered all the love that I had
To sadly see you shrug it away
Is even a part-time post open?
I’ve got my fingers crossed
Hoping that it’s different today

Funny if you think of all the friends you’ve made since me
None of them come close up to my shoulders
I told you I’m as good as you’ll get
But regretfully you didn’t agree
Is even a part-time post open?
I’ve got my fingers crossed
Hoping that you’ll think differently

I’ve got my fingers crossed, I’ve got my fingers crossed
I’ve got my fingers crossed, I’ve got my fingers crossed
I’ve got my fingers crossed, I’ve got my fingers crossed
I’ve got my fingers crossed, I’ve got my fingers crossed

Alan Kerr

Fingers Crossed

How could I forget you liked guys forward?
Well couldn’t we hook up one day?
Or would that fly in the face and fuck up your SLAA?
How could you forget I’m flat-out awkward?
But darling I adore the way
You reach in slo-mo for your purse to pay

Why does it matter, what do you care? 
Who is the father and how is it fair?
And why on earth are all your friends so square?

We could chew the fat through all of your addictions 
I’ll attend Al-Anon with you
What do you say? Just for a day

Is it doubly difficult for a smoker?
Walking up the Kirkfieldbank Brae
And are you in awe of the views along the way?
When was the last weekend you spent sober?
And don’t you have a place to stay?
Mine’s is a mere fiver’s bribe awa

Give me a struggle, give me a break
A twenty-piece puzzle is all I can take
Give me a high five magnitude earthquake

We could chew the fat through all of our predictions 
I’ll attend Al-Anon with you
What do you say? Just for a day

Love is a staircase, but it could be great
Love is a spider, a vanity plate
Love for us would be a paperweight

We could chew the fat through all of your addictions 
I’ll attend Al-Anon with you
What do you say? Just for today
What do you say? Just for a day

A Day

Let Yourself In

The Hardish Pass

The Elevator Pitch (Love Island Ode)

He's Worth Watching

I thought you could but you struck out crudely
'Cause apparently you can't
Folk like you aren't fit to keep an artificial plant

I still haven't seen your redeeming features
They must be few and far between

The funny thing with you as a self-confessed sun worshipper
Is how you throw shade
Before you get on my last nerve I'll make melonade  

I still haven't seen your redeeming features
Has Schrodinger's cat got the cream?

If you won big on a scratch card would you let me share in the spoils?
Spending my free time with you I'd rather suture my own boils

I still haven't seen your redeeming features
They must be few and far between

Alan Kerr

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