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I.. I don't know what happened. . . You know, you know how you die, but come back in the same life not to long later but somethings different? The monster. it's both here but not. It's like. It's like owls. Or a grenade. More and less. Everything and nothing. Absolute and a "but for now". I know it all yet I don't currently at the same time. I am never ever to say the words that exist but will never exist for the things that are happening. I am here and I am gone. Both and neither. Why do I keep going. I can't think. I am not able to think it all. That is something against my will maybe. I guess it's for my safety. It's to dangerous. It's dark. What would happen if I could think.. Even at a regular level of a human. Maybe once upon a time I wished for a more peaceful life. This isn't a war I guess so, it's definitely more sugar, but.. I know this isn't where I belong so, whoever did this, I just hope they know I'm ready to go. I don't want to kill everything around me against my will. Some people just aren't meant to be in peace. I am one of them. When I was reborn here, I thought it would be nice, but bits of my memory returned to me, and not the good parts either. Constant war. I remembered, and then it disappeared into my head, and then so many of my deaths, and same thing, and so much more. And then.  Well I couldn't tell you if I wanted to, I would only get hurt more trying. Not that it's a problem much but, it's just different. A constant war. . . I don't know how much longer I can stay safe to myself and others. I notice myself losing myself and to myself's. It's hard to keep the monsters and other beings within me in check. Even the very thoughts are attacks. I have to kill the thoughts. I hope. It's said that that's all a person needs. And it's impossible for me not to believe from everything I know. I just hope that if I do make it to heaven, that is suitable for me. Otherwise, that's it. I'm done and back to whatever hell I'm always in, but a bigger hell is always waiting for me. Back to war ya know. I'm not happy about such possibilities, I just, don't have enough feelings to feel sad for it. I remember how sad is supposed to be but.. I can't even get a real, single tear to drop any more. It's been so many years. Anyways, enough said for now.

Shadøw