(dream of a mountaintop)

i’m only 17 now, 
but forever seems like a long time from up here
i wanna spend a long with you though, so it’s fine by me
i just
don’t know if you’re happy to spend forever with me

its been a whole year since i’ve seen you now and the days only get longer
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now would you ever do that for me
the walls came down as the storm progressed and now i’m alone as i’ve ever been
the water we drank is all tainted now and so toxic that we can never drink
every time i walk past the fountain though my mind’s corrupted with these memories of you

its been a whole year since i’ve seen you now and the days only get longer
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now would you ever do that for me
the walls came down as the storm progressed and now i’m alone as i’ve ever been
the water we drank is all tainted now and so toxic that we can never drink
we can never drink
we can never drink
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now

i was by myself when i made this song. i had to put the capo on the third fret of my guitar. 

the only capo i have is made of a pencil and a hairband you gave me whilst we were together.

now i can’t play this song without being reminded of you.

i was in the car when i got that phone call. 

the one that changed my life. 

my father was shouting down the phone and sun was so hot i could hardly breathe. 

now i can’t drive my car without being reminded of you.

i was with your friend when i realised that you looked at me differently to how i looked at you. 

(i think i’m starting to hate me now…)

i asked her about you and she danced around the topic. 

we were in the park near my house and now i can’t go past that fucking park without being reminded of you.

its been a whole year since i’ve seen you now and the days only get longer
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now would you ever do that for me
the walls came down as the storm progressed and now i’m alone as i’ve ever been
the water we drank is all tainted now and so toxic that we can never drink
we can never drink
we can never drink
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now
i’d travel cross the world to just see you now

if i travelled to see you
would you travel to see me?
if i try hard to be you
would you try hard to be me?
if i try hard to be you
would you try hard to be me?
‘cause i really need you
do you really need me?
we’re not kids anymore

1. nice knowing you/we’re not kids anymore

the past is such a distant lie
i don’t know wether to laugh or cry
at myself
and you still haunt my memories
my trauma’s got the best of me
again

i’ll cross my heart and hope to die
until i’ve made you satisfied 
my love
i sit alone i’m on standby
waiting to catch you in my wandering eye

are we living or dreaming?
are we dreaming or living?
it’s all the same now
don’t worry about it
we will never be complete
don’t worry about it

take me to your seaside home

3. standing in the corner of my room with my head down (song for clementine)

you wanted me to see you
i didnt go because i was afraid of letting you down
i’m not trying to be rude
i’ve just always struggled with conversation
and yes i hate my voice too
you haven’t even said it yet i thought i’d let you know
i know you know i can’t sing 
and that’s why i’ll tell you that i sing bad on purpose

i think you fucking hate me
so that’s why i’ll try to not make myself a nuisance
if i was you i’d hate me
so don’t worry about it, though the feelings aren’t mutual

yes,
yes i could be happy
but, if i was dropped from a crane i could go naught to sixty in three seconds
so it doesn’t really mean anything does it?
anyone could be anything but it doesn’t mean that they should be or that they will be
it’s true that i could be happy
and it’s true that i could lose my anxiety and feel better about everything 
but that doesn’t mean it will happen,
in fact it probably won’t.
so let’s just enjoy whilst we can eh?

i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(if i travelled to see you)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(would you travel to see me?)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(if i tried hard to be you)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(would you try hard to be me?)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(‘cause i think i really really need you)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(do you think you really really need me?)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(we’re not kids anymore)
i think i’m starting to hate me now
(i haven’t anything in mind)
i think i’m starting to hate me now

i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now

if i travelled to see you
would you travel to see me?
if i try hard to be you
would you try hard to be me?
‘cause i really need you
do you really need me?
we’re not kids anymore
i haven’t anything in mind

i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i think i’m starting to hate me now

4. yes! (i hate my voice too)

on your way home from a bitter night
you walk past the park where i’d sat before
the street lamps give you savoured light
as you reach your fire red doomed front door
and your mother looks so terrified 
that her kid should ever break the law
her banshee shrieks turn to projectiles
and above her cries you call

‘i wish that i was smoking, mum, 
my eyes are red from crying
i wish that i was smoking, mum,
my eyes are red from dying’

‘i wish that i was smoking, mum, 
my eyes are red from crying
i wish that i was smoking, mum,
if my eyes are red i’m dying’

the smoking is the best part
our conversation the worst
you said you were starting to hate me now
i couldn’t tell if it was a joke
i think i’m starting to hate me now
i joked along and i cursed
as you set your bottle of water down
and laid back in our hearse

i’m sorry i’m so silent
but the dialogue i’d rehearsed
hadn’t panned out how i’d hoped it would
you talk so different in mirrors
i start to think ‘i should change my life
i’m a painful introvert’
‘i think i’m starting to hate me now’
bounced around my head with reverb
and the looks you give me start to rot
in the same cemetery where we’d met
and i start to hate just every noise
that comes out of my head

when i walk through the town of my shattered hopes
and i see that my life hangs just from ropes
i put my pride aside and i look inside
i cry a little
when my friends only meet up just to smoke
and the chat come second to the drugs we take
i cringe a tiny bit at every joke
i die a little

on an emotional world tour
you come crashing through the door
and you came home to suprise me
i’m happy with nothing to say
and you feel disappointed 
that you took the time to see me
i call my mum we say no words
but she can tell that i’m hurt
by my breathing down the line
i don’t see you anymore
you don’t see me anymore
and the worst part is i know why

mother i’m not crying
mother i’m not dying
i just need air
mother i’m not with her
mother i don’t miss her
will you leave it?

my guitar hurts
my car hurts
the park hurts
won’t you leave it?

my guitar hurts 
my car hurts
the park hurts
wish i could leave it

if she travelled to see me
i wouldn’t be there to see her
she could try hard to be me
i wouldn’t manage to be her
i don’t think she needs me
but i really think i need her
we’re not kids anymore
i need to grow the fuck up

i hate it here

6. i’d rather be smoking… until i cry

a dead eyed poet turned to me
he said to me in song
‘whatever you want in your life babe
just know it won’t be long,
the portals that you travel through
will one day be forgot
and the mountains that you clamber up
will one day be mere rocks’

a faceless crowd 
that wanders depraved
t’ward their demise
in a cold shallow grave

2. dead eyed poet blues

(original: just like honey - the jesus and mary chain)

lyrics:

listen to the girl 
as she takes on half the world
moving up and so am i
to her honey dripping
beehive
its good 
so good

walking back to you
is the hardest thing that i 
could do for you
i’ll be your plastic toy
for you

eating up the scum 
is the hardest thing that i
could do for you

just like honey

just like honey (demo) - the jesus and mary chain cover

picturesofyou2.wav

nicotine portraits

disembodied, still i search for you

memories in 35mm

uk he/him 19

https://share.amuse.io/album/nice-knowing-you-hate-it-here-2022

https://www.instagram.com/niceknowingyouu

nice knowing you

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