Boys Charli XCX Cover

CW: psychosis, unreality, gore, blood, violence, self harm

Poem: Illness

True Love Cafe by Nicole Dollanganger Cover

CW: Money, mental illness, suicide

It’s odd,
There are people who think that I choose
To fritter my money on drugs and booze,
When really, I can’t afford new shoes.
I have one pair left that don’t have a hole
Through to the sole.  
Being on the dole,
Takes its toll.  
I admit,
I feel like I’m not even worth shit,
When I’m working 36 hours,
Yet can’t afford housing and power.
I’m scared I’ll end up homeless on the 31st
Cause I’m still waiting to be reimbursed
One thousand five hundred quid.
In all honesty amid
Mental breakdowns I did
Contemplate a way out
Of this financial drought.  
Fuck the DWP for leaving me to suffer,
In particular, Universal credit for making life tougher.
Is it too much to ask to survive?
I didn’t expect to thrive
But I’m so exhausted,
With thoughts so morbid
My dread filled head
Shuts down that often
I’m wondering if this damage can be undone.  
Guess I’ll just have to deal
Ignore how I feel
And pray I can afford my next meal.

Suck It DWP

CW: Money, poverty, inequality


I don’t think any of my friends
Aren’t scrambling to meet ends,
And how is it acceptable that he spends
2/3 of his earnings on rent,
Still giving spare pence
To those stuck living in tents
Or worse 
Spending frequent nights on the concrete.
Those with nothing
Giving to those with less.
I whole heartedly bless
Those dying of stress
Trying to access
Basic necessities
Ignored to new extremities
Or fighting to get recognised identities.
I wish there was something I could do,
Inequalities beyond what I can construe
And I don’t know how to get through
To where life is living not surviving
Caring, sharing and thriving. 
Bring on the days where wealth is equally divided,
Where media’s views aren’t one sided.
Imagine non-corrupt governments,
Where human rights are not arguments.  
What if we could walk down the streets, without being scared,
That we’d be declared
Unnecessary, unworthy,
A drain on our society.
Where everyone gets what they need,
Health care is guaranteed,
No one gets jailed for weed
And we get the chance to succeed.  
I just want happiness to be possible
I wish some didn’t find it unthinkable. 
Is it me who is being unreasonable,
Thinking life should be accessible?
Guess I’ll just do what I can, with all that I’ve got
And every day I’ll still worry a lot
But maybe one day we’ll get there.

Poem: Thinking and Hoping

CW: Self harm, Blood, medication, OD, Mental health system, swearing.  

this is the poem as written though it is performed slightly differently

I came downstairs
there where pills all over the floor
a smashed bowl in the kitchen
and blood on the walls and floor of the bathroom or was that one of the other times
you where in A&E again and I wasn't even shocked

You asked if I was OK at the party
I shrugged
I took 20 of my antidepressants yesterday
Didn't bother going to A&E because they won't do anything they never do
you sighed and nodded

I woke up to a message from you saying you did your best to clean up the blood
a few days later you say how you where glad you didn't bother getting stitches
8 hours waiting around and being forgotten about isn't worth it

I sent you a message after you left the house to go to a friends
I've overdosed
should I ring 111? the crisis team? Or just walk to A&E?
I rang 111 packed my bag with 2 cuddly toys and a book on how to not kill my self
I was physically fine and I got home at 2 in the morning more agitated than when I went

I did what my friends, partners and GP said and rang the CMHT
Apparently it isn't normal for people to see what a consultant wrote about you to get you discharged
apparently 1 visit in 2/3 months where I was to confused to make a cup of tea means I'm stable
Apparently if my friends are concerned about me they can ring the CMHT
Apparently cutting is the only form of self harm they care about.

Mental Health Bullshit (poem)

First actual production I've done.  Poem is about being dropped by the community mental health team while I was actually in a really bad place.

Here I Am

New track made on audacity.  

Poem is about my frustration with the mental health system in England.

The Mental Health System Is Fucked

I wrote a song? in high school i convinced myself I wasn't talented enough to write music so I guess I am undoing that.  

sad 2 chord based song.

Demo

Gone

Drum part of Dorian Electra's Tool for You sped up  with some ambient and beep samples I made added.  Vocals done by text to speech and a recording of by my self.

made using audacity, Thank you Dorian Electra for putting the stems up for people like me to play and experiment with.

joeydoodles

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