Can't wait to hear all about it at Pukka.

Day 9

For the last year or so I’ve been trying to write some songs, and learn to produce as a bit of a hobby. I’ve been properly obsessed with it and have spent lots of my free time listening to things I love and trying to figure out HOW DID THEY MAKE THIS?

I’ve made a handful of songs in that time, each slightly better than the last. It’s been a lovely thing to see the improvement each time.

The songs I’d been writing up until recently were very much designed to improve my production skills with a variety of styles, but the song I’m sharing with you today is a bit different.

I feel an unsettling level of vulnerability posting something like this. From a producing and songwriting perspective, I’m still very new at it, and I know I have loads to improve upon, but the hardest part of it all is the song itself.

The song I’m sharing is about my Dad, and I don’t really talk about my Dad, not even with some of my closest friends.

I didn’t expect to write a song about him to be honest, but it just sort of fell out of me and I found the experience so unbelievably cathartic I thought it might be worth sharing, so that other people who had been through something similar might take something from it.

When I was 22, my Dad took his own life. It was exactly 12 years ago today. He suffered from manic depression and bipolar and he was an alcoholic. He’d been in a very depressed state for several years, however it still came as an enormous and awful shock. 

As a kid I wasn’t really aware of what it meant for someone to be an alcoholic, or that my Dad was one, but I was aware of his drinking and I often felt worried by it. I only really clicked that he was suffering from alcoholism in the immediate months before his death, when I was an adult and I took him to an AA meeting. He’d been hiding the full extent of it for years.

I also didn’t understand what it meant to have a parent whose moods could vary so differently. For a lot of my childhood my Dad was a hilarious, pun making, playful father, but he was also really difficult to live with.

In my teenage years, we had a huge falling out, instigated by his behaviour. We were able to go some way to patching things up in the years prior to his death, but I’ve spent a really long time wrestling with my feelings about him. I loved him, but often didn’t like him. I found it hard to grieve for him, as I was so angry with how he had died, and what it had done to our family that I couldn’t forgive him. 

I never took the time to address my feelings properly. It was much easier to run back to my normal life and try and forget it had happened, which I did. 

Writing this song forced me to look at some of those feelings, and connect with the kid who was scared and unsure about his Dad. Having spent every day since his death avoiding sitting in a room and thinking about it, during lockdown I sat in a room and thought about it. 

I’ve been working through all of this stuff with a counsellor, and it’s helping hugely. If you have had a similar experience, I really do think it might help you too. You can speak with your GP about it, and they should be able to recommend a mental health service to you.

So I wanted to share the song. I asked the incredibly talented @aymeeweir to sing on it. She has one of my favourite voices ever and you should definitely check out her stuff. She’s amazing, and I’m beyond grateful that she put her voice to this for me.

I also asked my Mum and sister if this was okay to share, and they’ve been very understanding. 

I hope you like it. I’ve put the song up on Soundcloud so you can easily listen to it should you wish. 

If you are suffering with your own mental health, or feeling suicidal please call The Samaritans on 116123 or CALM on 0800585858 or find help at their websites.

If you would like help with alcohol addiction please talk to your GP or seek out a local AA meeting. Also, talk to your family about it. They love you.

Day 9

betweensnowandsky

Recent comments

Viv Rolfe

Related tracks