I couldn’t tell three months ago
Who I wanted you to be
Still feel like shit,
At least I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying,
But I’m tired
So tired

I feed my brain with chemicals 
Drown out my thoughts with toilet bleach
I got to drinking and 
I thought about what you said 
But it’s no good,
I’m no good. 

I’m stuck 
In my bed
Chemicals
In my head

And now I’ve nowhere to run
I’m off the edge 
And I keep telling myself 
It’s not the end

Chemical brain

take me away 
i know i could use a rest
i want to clear up this mess
i need a few days with my own sense

it’s getting hard
i know i should leave but i can’t 
and i wonder if you feel the same way i do, if you’re even listening, Benjamin?

take me away
to where nothing exists beyond this
to where nothing has changed 
and we’re not a thing, we’re just old friends 

Benjamin,
take me to where we’ve already been
where no one else is listening
where you tell me you can’t love me, and i tell you darling I don’t mind
I’ll be there all the time.

Benjamin x4

Benjamin

i thought it was all dark
then i looked up and all around to find that i was just walking in the shade
and i want to feel it all!
so now i walk where the sun shines

kyocera

cover of beabadoobee’s “you lie all the time”

you lie all the time

Kurt 


now that i’ve come undone
i’ve had to face it 

got nowhere left to run
so i think ur my favourite 

and i’m gonna aim
i’m gonna aim, but i always miss it

i’ll burn the rain
burn the rain
just like cobain did 

but i’m standing here
and the walls, they’re all closing in

and i know 
that you know that i’m broken

so i’ll aim the gun 
just like cobain did

but they won’t come
they won’t come
you’re not for saving 

but i’m standing here 
and the walls, they’re all closing in

and i know 
that you know
that i’m broken

and i’ll aim, i’ll aim 
just like cobain did

it’s my game;
it’s my game 
i wanna play it

i am not doing this shit again

do you remember when i said that i liked you? 
i don’t want to but i still do

but i don’t even wanna kiss 
i just wanna be near you 
close to you
close to your skin

no i don’t even wanna kiss
well okay
maybe a little bit


(ffuuUUUck)

my guitar is out of tune and i am in denial

she listens to Elliott
‘cause he knows just how bad it gets
crashing the same car again
do you recognise yourself in him?

oh my darling,
oh my darling clementine 

oh my darling,
oh the beauty of your mind

she listens to elliott 
‘cause he knows just how bad it gets
she’s crashing the same car again
do you recognise yourself in him
like i do when i look at you?

clementine (for evie)

i’ve got too much pride to admit or apologise but i think you were right back there. 

i love you, but now im starting to teethe; he showed a part of himself that i never reached with you. 

these songs are never to you but somehow they always end up being about you, and you don’t even listen to them! 

but i listen to you, no matter how much i pretend not to; i care what you think.

teething

this isn’t fun 
are you having fun with her?
cuz i like being round everyone 
but not like this
not like this

this isn’t fun
yeah your new girl’s cute but she likes everyone
she doesn’t like you like i do
she doesn’t love you like i used to

(i wrote a chorus but i fucked up while recording so this is just the verse)

your new girl

a solipsistic explanation of my creative process, in which my drum and bass composition becomes a sonic depiction of emotional volatility. the song journeys through the ache of detachment, the surge of catharsis, and the quiet void that remains. it tries to emulate the emotional chaos i experience when someone i love is slipping away: an amalgam of panic, anger and regret, spiralling in my head and making room for nothing more.

the track builds around a sense of desperation and fear of being disregarded, expressed through faye’s plea for spike not to leave her. this all-consuming fear inevitably breaks (“breaks”! get it? ;D) into full loss of control, of both yourself (me; faye) and ultimately the other person too, whom you can’t bear to lose but manage to care way too much about and end up losing anyway. (beloved; spike)

and then… breaks. everything’s just background noise, because i’m too in my head, and ALL the DIFFERENT THOUGHTS ruminating in my head ALL AT ONCE sound like the fuzzy din of a party; you can try to tune into one voice and hear what that person says, but it inevitably gets cut off by another, because there are just too many sounding at once to perceive each distinct one. that’s how my brain sounds during these moments. i’m not really thinking. just feeling.

the breaks are all original samples, got super into slicing em up and moving em around. looped the pads within kontakt so the midi would still play if i held down a key. sampled a bass note,, mapped it to the keyboard, wrote and recorded a bass line, layered a distorted bass line over it, sidechained the bass to the kick. f’d around with the knobs a bunch; really just fucking around and finding out. the think break i downloaded from a mAssive jungle sample pack i found online. i sliced it up and rearranged it. shoutout sewerslvt. i was going for atmospheric drum and bass, not jungle. the automation lanes look like an ECG. isn’t that ironic? unintentional metaphor for faye’s heartbeat during her psychological disorientation?

the break fades into static, which is a Voice Memos recording of some fuzzy AM radio junk i stumbled upon in my car while i was sifting through the radio stations. i sampled that and pitch shifted it up and down. it represents my extremely skewed, perpetually shifting view of reality. it’s also a nod to my mood; always up and down, yada yada yada (typing this from the ‘looney bin,’ as you may). 

that i actually recorded and made a sample out of the radio fuzz was because it sounded exactly like what the external world sounds like after your own internal world feels like it just exploded. i retract into myself, no longer part of it. (once i heard the sample within the context of the whole song, i was reminded of billie eilish & finneas’ production on “bitches broken hearts”), wherein the ‘walla’ of a party is chopped up in the background. this inspired me to chop up my pitch-shifted radio fuzz.

my splitting the track into fragments, as billie and finneas did on bitches, mirrors faye’s fragmented psychological state and fragmented sense of self identity. spike’s view of past and future is fragmented; he feels like he’s watching a dream he’ll never wake up from, hence, “fragmented dreams.”

in “fragmented dreams,” the radio fuzz is supposed to convey the emptiness that follows the catharsis, when your mind is blank and you’re just left in the aftermath of your own shitty reaction. i wanted to capture the shift from intensity to that god-awful emptiness, where all that’s really left is the quiet, echoey static in your head, ruminating on what you just destroyed.

it’s how i imagine faye valentine might have felt when spike left her. i think she loved spike, and a part of me wants to believe that maybe deep down he loved her too. i relate to faye a lot, so even if my interpretation of that scene is way off base, it still made sense to me to sample their dialogue from it. 

i hope u enjoy :p 
thx for listening!

fragmented dreams

compositional credits to myles mullarney, sonny foy and jake brennan (three wonderfully talented musicians and all around incredible people).

guitars 1&2 by myles and sonny
drums & bass by jake
piano by myles
lyrics by me
recorded & mixed by jake 

—————

skin


i thought i needed it
i felt like feeling it
but now i’m cut my blood is thin 

and i’m not waiting for this to feel right
no i’m not waiting for it this time 
 
i’ve lost control again 
i thought you’d notice it 
you only see what’s on my skin

i lost control again
i’m on my own again
i thought you’d notice it 
but you notice nothing 

but it’s okay i know you don’t really care,
it’s just good when you’re pretending
so i push you away again 
i’ll figure it out but for now i guess this is it 

i thought i needed it 
i felt like feeling it
my scars run deeper than my skin 

i lost control again
i’m on my own again
i thought you’d notice it 
but you notice nothing 

so i’m not waiting for you this time
no i’m not waiting 

you thought they’d notice it
you lost yourself again
they only see what’s on your skin

you lost control again
you’re on your own again
you thought they’d notice it
but they notice nothing

i’m not waiting for this to feel right
no im not waiting 

feel it all again
now its in my blood, and its running thin
crush it up, take a hit
i wanna feel it all, are you coming with?

i thought i needed it
i felt like feeling it
my scars run deeper than my skin

i’m not waiting for this to feel right
no im not waiting 


(yippie!!)

AND IF IT AIN’T RED LINING… 


XO

skin

break me off
break me up
don’t throw me round
i’m tired enough
i’m over it
the way it works
protect myself
but it still hurts

rejection, rejection
feel it burnin’ under my skin
infection, infection
got a sickness that i can’t fix
you look at me and you can see it
look at me, you can feel it
but i still don’t know what it is

find friends
in strangers’ eyes
i say i’m sorry
i don’t know why
take the train
don’t know where
‘cause it’s better
than lyin’ there

rejection, rejection
feel it burnin’ under my skin
infection, infection
got a sickness that i can’t fix…

rejection - olivia o.

self (?) i den ti Ty

in this heaven,
my carcereal haven,
safe at the cost
of isolation

sweet fangz

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