Tracy Crossley Freedom from Attachment

Do you know what impostor syndrome is? Perhaps you’re familiar with it in your professional life, it means the fear of being found out for being fake or phony. The you which you present isn’t really who you are or you feel others will not think it is who you are. For me, I always waited for people to find out I was a bad person, even though nothing about me is…it’s what I dreaded, personally and professionally. So, for those of you who have that feeling, guess what? It’s related to insecure attachment. Whether it’s in your career or your relationships, you never feel deserving of the love or praise you’re given and you worry about FIFO (Fear I’m Found Out). Despite working harder than anyone else to prove you’re worthy, it’s never enough. You’re a perfectionist, but nothing you do or say ever feels “perfect.” These feelings, like insecure attachment, stem back to the conditioning you received as a child.

The good news is that impostor syndrome is a story you keep telling, a facade you can take down. In this episode, you’ll learn how to put down the mask, tackle your feelings, and finally be okay with being you in or out of a relationship.

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#618 Impostor Syndrome in Relationships (REBROADCAST)

You find out your partner is cheating the same day your bathroom floods. Then you call your friend on the way to the hardware store and get rear ended. We’ve all had days like that (ok, maybe not exactly like that!), but those days or series of days where the world feels like it’s conspiring against you. And of course, the first question you ask is WHY? What did you do to deserve this? It feels like your life is falling apart before your eyes. We like to believe that if we’re good girls and boys, life will go our way. Unfortunately, that’s not how things work. Sometimes the s**t hits the fan. Not because you’re bad, but because life does life.

I have been challenged with this lately with my husband in the hospital. I can control my thoughts, my actions, my feelings and my words, but I can’t control life. I can’t pick and choose the outcomes I want. In this week’s episode we’ll talk about that desire for control and letting go of it. How to look at what you’re holding onto and why. How to be emotionally present and process your feelings instead of avoiding them. Because you still have choices, even when it feels like life has turned its back on you. Maybe the way forward is different than you thought, but you can absolutely keep on truckin’.

#639 When Your Whole World Goes to S**T, What Do You Do?

Your relationship with yourself is reflected in your relationships with others. If you didn’t receive much unconditional love as a kid, you do not know what it’s like to give yourself love and attention. And if you don’t give those to yourself, others won’t be able to give them to you because you teach people how to treat you. Disregard your own feelings and other people will follow your lead. You also can’t receive what doesn’t already exist inside you, so if you’re looking for someone to fill an internal void, it won’t work. You will continue to struggle with your relationships if you do not become emotionally available to yourself first.

So how do you become more emotionally available to yourself? Start owning and valuing your own feelings. This will be uncomfortable because you’ve probably spent your life avoiding and/or discounting them. But if you don’t value your feelings, no one else will. You will continue looking for people who give you breadcrumbs of love and attention because it’s what’s familiar. Your feelings matter—even the ones that seem silly, stupid or wrong. Accept and embrace ALL of them. Do that and you’ll build your value, which in turn will make you more open, loving and emotionally available.

#648 Emotional Unavailability--What’s the Cure? (REBROADCAST)

You just poured your heart out to a friend or mate via text and got some annoying response like “sorry to hear that,” or no reply at all. What gives? Now on top of feeling vulnerable from what you just shared, you’re hurt, confused and angry. How dare they make you feel this way! Wait, how can someone MAKE you feel something? They can’t. No one reaches inside you and presses a button that causes your reaction. You feel this way because you’re attached to an outcome; perhaps you were expecting sympathy, validation, concern or something else from them.

This is how insecure attachment works, folks. Wanting something from someone and not getting it can stir up anxiety and neediness, or it can cause you to shut down and run. Maybe both! The antidote? First, understand your intention. Second, speak your truth because truth isn’t attached to an outcome. It is a pure expression from your heart that expects nothing in return. That’s what we’re talking about in this episode because expectations like these are painful, and they can damage relationships.

#650 Feeling Out of Control From No Text Response (or Wanting a Better One!)

A lot of people have one foot in and one foot out… in all areas of life. In this podcast, however, I’m going to focus on commitment (or lack thereof) when it comes to long-term relationships, whether you are in one or want to be in one. We are often quick to point out someone else’s commitment issues while failing to see our own. Remember, other people are a mirror for you. Whatever you identify as a problem in someone else is likely a problem for you.

As an example: When you think, “If my partner really loved me, he/she would marry me,” you’re focused on what you can get from them; you’re giving your power away. That statement comes from fear, not love. Marriage may provide temporary validation, but it can’t fill the emptiness inside of you. In dysfunctional relationships, we wait for the other person to change, because we think WE are the healthy one. Nope, not true. It takes two to tango so if you believe it’s all on your partner, you’re wrong.

The question isn’t, “How do I get a commitment from my partner?” You need to ask yourself why you want the commitment, and why it’s more important than anything else. Dig deep, why must you have this commitment? What does it give you inside of yourself? Where do you feel insecure, and why do you think that will go away if this person commits to you? These are hard questions, but you need to be clear with yourself before you can have clarity with your partner… which is the next step. Have a conversation that isn’t an ultimatum. Say what’s true for you. Get vulnerable and express your fears. Commitment isn’t about the other person; it’s about honoring yourself and what you want on a DEEPER level.

#658 Journey of Attachment: Why Won’t He/She Commit? (REBROADCAST)

Oh denial, what a comfy, cozy place it can be. Especially when you’re in denial about being attached. It’s easier to dress it up to family and friends so it doesn’t sound as bad as it feels. It’s easier to lie to yourself so you don’t have to deal with disappointment. And maybe, if you deny what’s going on, you won’t have to face all those painful negative feelings, right? Wrong. Hoping and wishing for something to be different doesn’t make those feelings disappear or lessen over time. It just strengthens them, keeping you miserable.

Denying your situation is the opposite of trusting yourself because it says you can’t handle it (which is not true). In this episode we’ll look at what you’re sacrificing to live in denial about your attachment, and what it’s ultimately costing you. Healthy relationships exist in reality. When you admit you’re attached, you’ll be one brave step closer to having the loving, happy relationship you deserve.

#663 Attachment Denial: Can I Make It Healthy?

“Toxic” gets thrown around a lot lately as though it’s a disease we want to stay away from. “Get that toxic person away from me!” or “I only want positive people in my life.” When parents say something triggering, they’re toxic. When a partner or roommate has a meltdown over dirty dishes in the sink, they’re toxic. This is how we create distance. You are absolutely in charge of who you spend time with, but instead of writing them off, get curious about what they’re triggering in you.

In this episode we’ll look at the difference between someone who triggers painful emotions and actual toxicity. What are your expectations of them and why? Labeling someone as toxic is disempowering because your emotional state is in someone else’s hands; they’re “making” you feel angry, annoyed, etc. There’s a better way. Use the trigger as an opportunity for growth, and trust you’ll be ok no matter what other people do.

#664 How Keeping Toxic People Away From You Doesn’t Matter

You attract people exactly where you are. If you’re unavailable, you will attract someone who is unavailable. To attract open, you must BE open. People who are attracted to emotionally unavailable people are attached to UNREALISTIC outcomes, and their idea of a good partner is narrow—as in they need to fit the perfect picture. Maybe you want to meet someone so you don’t spend the holidays alone, providing a very limited opening for what you will accept. Even people who have done work on themselves can be drawn to emotionally unavailable people because it’s familiar. It stems from our negative beliefs, particularly “I am alone” and “there is not really enough.” We often look for evidence our beliefs are true, so we attract painful partners.

As with everything, the first step is awareness. To move toward available, notice what you’re normally drawn to. What checklists do you have? Forget your “type” and pay attention to how certain attractive qualities feel to you. Where do you feel connected when you are with someone? Look for what you usually dismiss (i.e. values). Get to know yourself while being with people (without expectations) and see how you feel about them. Have a conversation without it needing to lead somewhere. Trying to make something happen doesn’t work, so relax and catch yourself if you start picking people apart. You never know when someone will show up, so stay open to possibility. It’s not about control; it’s about surrender.

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#667 The Journey of Attachment: Attraction to Unavailable People (REBROADCAST)

Avoidants avoid—that’s what they do! And when they try to avoid pain, they remain stuck in a state of struggle (although they don’t know they’re in struggle). If you are an avoidant, your emotions are often left unbothered and undisturbed. You may go through life believing you’re happy because you have numbed the pain. But if a crisis hits and your emotions are out of control, you compartmentalize them, hoping someday you’ll feel better. You probably isolate yourself or shut down and avoid vulnerability in an attempt to protect yourself from pain. On the surface you look like you have everything together, but inside you’re filled with anxiety from trying to avoid your pain.

If you’re the kind of person who bends over backward for a family member, yet gets frustrated because that person always complains, you may be avoiding a deeper pain. Maybe you don’t like to be criticized or do things wrong… but you don’t know that about yourself because you don’t allow yourself to “go there.” Instead, you bury those feelings and end up lashing out at your relative for being unappreciative. Trying to avoid pain won’t make it go away; it stays inside and creates a different kind of pain.

Your emotions are running the show whether you pay attention to them or not. And when you try to ignore their existence, they can come out in uncontrolled ways. Instead of pretending pain doesn’t exist, or compartmentalizing it for dealing with “another time,” focus on it. The next time you feel yourself reacting, notice where you feel physical pain or tightness in your body. Just feel it. Practicing this will get you used to allowing the pain and you’ll come to realize it won’t kill you. In fact, it just may be the key to your happiness because you can’t feel joy without feeling pain.

#673 How Avoidants Try To Avoid Pain (REBROADCAST)

Are you still stuck on a relationship that ended months, maybe even years ago? You’re still carrying this longing inside of you, always wondering what life would have been like if they had stayed. A part of you is still waiting for them to come back, to give you some kind of closure for the sacrifices you made. Looking back on your memories, you think you still love them.

It may feel like love, but what you’re really feeling is attachment.

To move past the emotional triggers that are still keeping you attached to your previous partner, you have to start by taking responsibility for your own emotions. Once you find your agency, you can empower yourself to make a change. In today’s podcast episode, learn 4 tips to let go of the pain of your past relationship and finally put it behind you.

#675 Moving On When There Are Still Emotional Triggers! (REBROADCAST)

When something doesn’t go your way in a relationship, or you don’t get what you want, insecurities can get triggered: I’m unlovable, I’m never a priority, this always happens to me, etc. And that can turn into desperation for what you’re not getting. You NEED it so you try to strategize how to get it... yet a feeling of powerlessness remains.

In this week’s podcast we’ll look at what fuels this desperation. What stories do you have on repeat, and what beliefs are you perpetuating? What deeper feelings are you avoiding? I’ll also help you distinguish your true feelings from reactions because focusing on reactions can send you down a path of blame and victimhood. Once you start breaking down your stories and beliefs, you’ll find it much easier to get what you want.

#676 Feeling Desperate When it Comes to Attachment

You don’t trust your partner. He/she is lying and cheating… or you’re afraid they are. Maybe you have an ex who cheated on you so you are hyper-aware of certain behavior. Like if you see your partner acting flirty with someone, which sends you into that crazy, anxious paranoid mode. This reaction, however, is more a reflection of your negative beliefs and how you don’t trust YOURSELF. You don’t trust that you would be able to handle the disappointment of the relationship ending. What if you never recover? What if you just attract another cheater?

Staying in a relationship like this allows you to play the victim while assigning your partner to the role of perpetrator (can you say drama triangle?). You get to blame him/her while taking no responsibility for why you stay… and you may be doing this without realizing it. Being a victim feels strangely secure, but it’s a prison that you choose to be in. If you remain, pain and anxiety will be constant companions. To break the chains of disrespect, distrust, and lack of love for yourself, you have to connect with the buried feelings you are trying to avoid. Because staying in a relationship where there is a lack of trust is less about your partner and more about you. But that means you can do something about it.

#678 Liars, Cheaters and Lack of Trust (REBROADCAST)

Labeling someone as a narcissist (or dysfunctional or whatever) often comes from a place of pain and lack. They hurt you, so you want to feel superior, but blaming them for the way they are and the way they treat you doesn’t boost your self-worth. It may temporarily feel good, but that puts you in the position of victim, and victimhood is powerless.

In this week’s podcast we’ll look at how to let go of the idea that they’re a monster and you’re their victim. “Diagnosing” them gives you a sense of control, but you do yourself a disservice when you look for fault in others instead of taking responsibility for the decisions you make. It can feel crappy to admit you CHOSE this person, but it’s also empowering because that means you can make a different choice. You can make small, loving choices toward you.

#686 That Narcissist Ruined My Life!

You’re in a heated argument with someone. Maybe you have unresolved anger from an earlier situation so it escalates quickly. Harsh words are exchanged, the jabs get personal, then bam—your feelings are hurt. You feel wronged, victimized, and unfairly attacked. You might assume they set out to hurt you and it’s all their fault. But how do you know their intention?

That’s what we’re talking about this week. When someone says or does something that hurts your feelings, and you expect them to “fix” it because it’s their fault, you are at their mercy. It sounds harsh, but no one owes you anything…and it takes two to tango. Instead of putting all the blame on them, look at how you contribute to the situation and what you expect from them. YOU are responsible for your emotions, your actions and your reactions. And that’s good news because it means your emotional wellbeing is in your hands, not someone else’s.

#689 You Hurt My Feelings (And Other Inconsiderate Acts)

You wish you could be calm, cool and collected. Other people seem to do it—they can pull off being mysterious while your facial expressions always give you away. You feel like the weird emotional one, trying to tame whatever is brewing inside while everyone else stays calmly in control. You’re afraid if anyone knew how you really felt, they would judge you. But following the rules of what other people deem as “acceptable” will leave you disconnected from yourself and your life.

If you want to be comfortable in your skin, you need to value your own truth and stop seeking outside approval. In this week’s episode I’ll show you how to pay attention to your insecurities, and identify which situations provoke them. From there you can practice showing up in those situations however you feel, and not expecting yourself to be different. Gauging how you’re supposed to act by watching the body language, words and actions of others is the opposite of authentic. Instead, take action from an internal desire for happiness and wellbeing. Over time your insecurities will fade and your confidence will grow!

WISDOM NUGGET (#wisdomnugget)
Valuing your truth makes it easier to find true connection. Letting go of that fear changes your life.

#699 Hiding How You Feel Among Judgmental People (REBROADCAST)

Avoidants have feelings, but they may not be what you expect. This episode shines a light on the complex world of avoidants, revealing how fear and control can mask genuine emotions. You ever notice how avoidants act nice but push others away? You ever notice that you could be one? Do you build walls when triggered? Yeah, it's not coldness (and if you’ve been accused then you know how that feels), it's fear. Tracy dives into the psyche of avoidants, sharing insights into why they behave the way they do and how they can break free.

Whether it's understanding your own avoidant tendencies, learning how to interact with an avoidant in your life, or seeking a path to real love and connection, in this episode, Tracy provides practical steps towards self-awareness to navigate these challenging dynamics.

No more confusion or frustration—embrace a sincere journey towards empathy, understanding, and growth. Tune in to find the path to recognizing and addressing avoidant behavior, unlocking the potential for healthy, happy relationships.

Tracy Crossley Freedom from Attachment

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