I’m keeping it light - cause this shit is heavy
I ain’t a loser - but I’ve sure as hell lost
Maybe this river runs too fast to levee
Maybe I’ll bury myself in the moss

Can’t be disappointed if I don’t expect shit
Treasure can’t shatter high up on a shelf
But tear down my walls and it all comes tumbling 
Deadlock the doors and board up the halls 

Cover the threshold in gasoline 
Strike your last match
And flick in your flame
That river’s still rushing - her cool waters gushing 
I’ll slide out the back when the smoke gets too high 

Throw in my baggage
Watch it turn to ashes
Then I’ll float away
To that old by-and-by 

I’m keeping it light - cause this shit is heavy
I ain’t a loser - but I’ve sure as hell lost
Maybe this river runs too fast to levee
Maybe I’ll bury myself in the moss

The Moss

Hello old friend 
It’s nice to see you again 
Some things have changed 
Since the last time we met

I feel different 
In that *whole brand new bitch* type of way
Could you sense it? 

Can’t get outside of yourself 
When you have to stay inside
So I did a deep dive 
And I’m starting to feel alive

A Deep Dive

Up to my elbows
Flat on my back
I can take anything 
But I couldn’t take that 

Shattered my rose colored glasses
Burned that bridge into ashes 
But cyclically I’m finding my way back 

So don’t you dare get sad 
Or anywhere near sentimental 
Leave it in the past
If they wanted to they would’ve 
We’re not heading that way
Next to nothing is here to stay 
Mercury’s in retrograde for a few more days 

Temporary just ain’t my thing 
I mean what I say
And I say what I mean 

I couldn’t have loved you better 
You got all of my best 
So much in fact 
I don’t think there’s anything left 

But don’t you dare get sad 
Or anywhere near sentimental 
Leave it in the past
If they wanted to they would’ve 
We’re not heading that way
Next to nothing is here to stay 
Mercury’s in retrograde for a few more days

Up to my elbows
Flat on my back
Next time I’ll sit real still
Swear I won’t react

MERCURY!!!

Tying up my loose ends 
Setting my intentions 
Shattering the patterns of my past 
Saying “come and find me”
Finally out of hiding 
Sure of what I need and what I’ll give 

It’s not a long drive 
So I crossed state lines
Into something unknown 
It’ll be alright 
Turn off your headlights
Step out of the old 

Don’t act like you didn’t manifest it 
Deny that you’ve been calling to the stars 
After about the tenth coincidence 
I stopped making up excuses and leaned in 

All the time it took to stumble into this 
The twist and turns and waterfalls that plunged us to our deaths 
Heal me with your hands and tell me it’s what I deserve 
Resurrect me with your kiss and keep it close
In case you need more 

How does something ground me 
And make me feel so free?
Cut straight through the thick of it and actually see me
No amount of time seems right 
Another day fades into night
And I’m having a hard time looking anywhere but your eyes 

Tying up my loose ends 
Setting my intentions 
Shattering the patterns of my past 
Saying “come and find me”
Finally out of hiding
Sure of what I need and what I’ll give

State Lines

I never craved a savior 
I didn’t need one anyhow
The water’s low and I’ve gotta go now 

I’ll be traveling long
I’m already gone 

(X3)

Don’t make me say it again 

(X4)

At first I loved how 
Every word out of your mouth
Sounded like poetry
Then I found out 
That you couldn’t talk to me
Unless it felt like therapy 
“Everyone look at me- she’s figuring it out”

I couldn’t hold us together
You couldn’t hold it together 

Only a worthy place to be
When I let you inside of me
It’s a lot more than “intimacy” 
To feel safe, to feel wanted, mostly to feel seen
And what if that’s not what’s meant for me?
How many growing seasons do I need?
Breaking down links on chains put onto me

(X3)

Growing Seasons

You somehow like me
Before the sun is even shining
When I’m at my worst 
You see my worth - effortlessly 
And I never dreamed that someone like you 
Would love someone like me 

Your glass is half full 
And I don’t get thirsts you won’t quench 
If mine needs more - you don’t hesitate to pour 
Straight into it 
Both overflowing - simply from knowing
This is it

You meet me there
Where we can share our dreams 
And our nightmares 
Often it’s ideal 
Some times I need to wake and feel - you 

Meet me there
Where we can share our dreams 
And our nightmares 
Often it’s ideal 
Some times I need to wake and feel you meet me there

You meet me there 

Anything and everything 
I don’t want it 
If it’s not-
(X4)

There are a few things different between you and me 
I’m made of fire - you’re a spring 
But I need water 
And you need warmth 
And it might kill us
But what if it was glorious? 

I take chances 
You stay stagnant 
We both know that 
I can’t have that 

I only want you cause you don’t want me
And that’s pathetic - I know
I just can’t help it 
That’s what I’m used to
Might end up dying alone 

You wake up every day goddamn perfect 
But you’ve got blinders on 
Done all the teaching I can to show you
You’ll end up dying alone
Can’t see the new through the old 

I take chances 
You stay stagnant 
We both know that 
I can’t have that

We both know that
I can’t have that

Dying Alone

It’s been two whole days 
Since I held your face 
Honey, what did we fall into?
In the deepest and best ways 

I should’ve thought this through
But I’ve been loving you
Since before my time
I’m several other lives 

I said “next time I’m coming straight for you”
You said “I’ll meet you on the playground as a kid”
Learned all our lessons on this trip
We won’t waste time on the next

We’re allowed to hate the miles in between 
Every single one’s a bastard 
And I know you know what I mean 
Served us on a silver platter 
Knew with what we’d made
A bit more time just wouldn’t matter 
But it matters 
But it matters just the same 

Surrender to it 
There’s no fighting through it 
Surrender to it
There’s no fighting through it 

We’re allowed to hate the miles in between 
Every single one’s a bastard 
And I know you know what I mean 
Served us on a silver platter 
Knew with what we’d made
A bit more time just wouldn’t matter 
But it matters 
But it matters just the same

meet u on the playground

The usual
A hand to hold
Solid ground to stand on 
It’s been so near
What of this fear?
Why keep on searching if it’s already here? 

I don’t wanna mess this up
But it’s got me feeling fucked up
It’s lived in the back of my mind 
Then we brought it to life 

Who do I call when I need the truth?
Where do I reach when the ropes come loose?
What does it mean if everything else was just a test?
I think I like this 

Unusual 
But time has told 
Comfort lies in arms you really know 
What’s innocent 
With pure intent
But now we know the way your lips feel on my skin 

Don’t know where it’s going
But I sure know where it’s been 
I can tell you from those moments
We will be there once again 

Who do I call when I need the truth?
Where do I reach when the ropes come loose?
What does it mean if everything else was just a test?
I think I like this

Friend Sex

Go right ahead 
Say what you need 
I’ve only ever tried 
Truly listening 

Absolve your guilt 
And be set free 
Never mind what that does to me 

Find myself again
Meeting you where you stand 
Even if I am on my knees 

“It won’t happen again”
We shake hands
But I know that if I see you on the street 

I’m gonna think of rooftops 
Autumn in your eyes 
The varied ways you held me
How all of them were lies 
I’m gonna swallow my pride 
And hopefully not cry
And try to sound sincere when I say 
“I hope you’re doing fine.”

Cause I’m doing fine
 (xA LOT OKAY ARE YOU CONVINCED?)

Rooftops

I don’t know how to be sad anymore
Mostly I think I’m just mad
Maybe mad really isn’t the word
And it’s only disappointment 

I’m finding the words 
At every turn 
Still pushing further 
I’ve got lessons to learn 

Every day we wake up in this place 
And it’s getting harder to stay 
Worst case scenarios swirl in my head 
And “how am I gonna feel safe?” 

America Fatigue is plaguing me 
And everyone I see
Why can’t they see?

We’re finding the words 
At every turn 
Still pushing further 
We’ve got lessons to learn 

I don’t know to be sad anymore
Mostly I think I’m just mad 
Maybe mad really isn’t the word 
And it’s only disappointment

America Fatigue

I swore forever on a sidewalk 
Captured for the world to see
In wicked company 

But that’s still the place I went 
When I needed solace 
Never thought it’d reinvent heartbreak

“The cold times are coming”
We could feel it in our bones 
When I was there with you it felt like home

You buried yourself
Inside
A wound that I had barely healed 
Roughly half of what I need
But I wasn’t alone 

Remember when you told me
“Honey, you’re the fall personified”
I think about it every time
I go on drives to clear my mind 

Standing under mirrors 
Screaming “TIME AND AGAIN!”
In a crowd of folks like us
Who’d found their church 

Sacred worshippers 

It only took one season to change the rest of time 
(It’s a good winter)
I-I could never fully face it 
Maybe later down the line 
And at once I knew 
Like you did 
Love like that could never be mine
But I crave it all the time

Maybe later down the line

but they’re still my favorite band

There are no exceptions to the love that I am getting from you 
I don’t know why you chose me to be your baby
But I’m so glad baby

Cause every bit of darkness in me
You see all the light that’s peeking through 
You hold me tight and say you’d
Never dream of leaving my side 

And that’s so nice 
So nice 
This is right 

I think about you all the time 
Imagining your lips like wine
And how I wanna drink until I see
The morning light reflecting in your eyes 

If only I could have you near
But patience breed love sincere
And I don’t mind taking our time
I know you’ll never leave my side 

And that’s so nice
So nice 
This is right

Right

Some days are better 
Most of them are worse 
I got up and went 
Just as much as I can
But it honestly hurts

Befriending my body
Betrayed by her past
She carries me daily 
And that’s all I can ask

One foot in front of the other 
Keeping it close but undercover 
They’ll never know if only I can
Climb right out 

I don’t know how to act
When there’s no world to perform for 
Everyone held up inside 
Some for the very first time of their lives 
But we’ve been in quarantine 
For as long as I can remember 
Pressing pause on everything 
If she’s feeling too much then 
I’m gonna sit with her 

I’m gonna sit with her 
(X4)

Befriending My Body

I used to breathe life into things 
But being the light took it all out of me 
And that’s hard to see 
When you’re just surviving 
Throwing on a smile
And faking that you’re thriving 

I see find beauty in things that distract me between
A loss and a lesson I need

I know I said “it’s fine”
But I’m lying all the time
Tryna get myself to believe 

But this is more than heartbreak 
Pretty sure that we were soulmates
All I got is lots of empty space 
That felt nice filled
Try as I might nothing can replace
Feelings I felt when you held my face 
Then it perished 
Right when I got close to cherished 

I used to breathe life into things 
But being the light took it all out of me 
And that’s hard to see 
When you’re just surviving 
Throwing on a smile
And faking that you’re thriving

Hi, I'm faking it.

Man I wish I felt like living more of the time 
Instead of “oh well it wouldn’t be so bad to die”
I wish I felt like living more of the time
Instead of “oh well it wouldn’t be so bad to die”

I wish I felt like living more 
Instead of “oh well it wouldn’t be so bad”
I wish I felt like living more
Instead of “oh well it wouldn’t be so bad”

I wish I felt like living
Instead of “oh well - it wouldn’t-“
Man I wish I felt like living 
Instead of “oh well - it wouldn’t-“

I wish I felt
Instead of “oh well”
I wish I felt 
Instead of “oh well”

I wish
Instead
I wish 
Instead

I can’t taste betrayal again
I’m still sick from the last time 

Throw my heart out on a whim and I
Hope good catches my line 

Stillness is less still when you’re filled to the brim
With regret 

A choir of what will never be 
Progressions I won’t forget 

What’s the point in being good and honest?
When all I ever get is left? 

Aim to be the fool
But I’m jumping with no safety net 

Damaged by what’s been so I’m shedding all of me
Remember to be tender to the you that’s underneath 

Healing 
Healing 
Healing 

Healing 
Healing 
Healing

I’m
Healing
Healing 
Healing

Healing x3

My body remembers more than me 
She feels every single memory 

Hands gripping tightly 
And too many drinks 

I cradled her nightly 
When you wouldn’t touch me 

Inherently worthy 
But permanently scarred

Thank goodness I released
The vice on my heart

Sometimes I can’t leave my bed 
Because of crushing existential dread
I’m not wishing anyone anything 
On our wedding night 
You lost your wedding ring 

Still got a lifetime of it
But I wanna quit 

Will I survive a lifetime of it?
Or will I quit?

Father's Day

Never met a load I couldn’t carry
Only ever knew to stand up straight 

And none of it was ever ours to ferry
In
Out 
Or around
Their dire straits 

And if I could then
Honey I would hold it for you 
But I’m barely five feet tall
And I’m on the edge 

I won’t beg for love 
But I sure could use a little bit 

You can give it to me
I’ll carry it carefully 
An example of the love I need
But won’t get back 

No longer down on my knees 
What wants this will find me 

No more crystal wishing left 
Said my spells 
I’m out of breath 

My own comfort’s where I rest

Trauma Bonding

“There’s power in the blood”
The congregation sang
But they did not mention the power in mine 
That life springs forth from me 
Not some cursed Eden tree
Proof that we all make the dumb mistakes
And die 
I forget my craft is care
That there’s magic everywhere I look 
That my wisdom’s from within 
Not without
Or in some man-written book 
Centuries of women silenced
Such unnecessary violence 
All the lives turned into ashes were but seeds
And for decades we’ve been blooming
Our ancestors at the root and
Now you feel our power moving on the breeze 
I embrace it coursing through me
Say goodbye to those who knew me 
I’ve got me and that’s all I will ever need
I’ve got me and that’s all I will ever need

Witch’s Lament

Dear parts of me
That radiate with warmth
Could you maybe freeze?
Cause I can’t thaw another heart
They leave softened 
I’m left chilled
But I heat up often
Against my will 

Dear parts of me
I feel but can’t make seen 
Could you let me breathe? 
It’s hard to stand on my two feet
And I promise 
Numb comes with the cold 
And it’s coming
Start your race to get back home 

Dear parts of me
Desperate to feel felt
Could you learn to lean?
You’re surrounded and you’re held
Arms will find you 
But you must be found 
I know it’s not easy 
Finding roots in tousled ground

Dear parts of me
Each part of me
The heart of me
There’s art in me

art in me

I’m fine I swear 
A little too fine if I’m being honest 
But I can’t care 
Haven’t felt a thing in weeks
And I gotta use it 
If I got it 

And right now I got it 
And I think you get it 
You get it 

Is it mania if I’m doing what I love?
It’s forever but I’m using it to rise above

I’m fine I swear 
A little too fine if I’m being honest 
But I can’t care 
Haven’t felt a thing in weeks
And I gotta use it 
If I got it

I'm fine I swear

How can something overtake you and leave you so underwhelmed?
Grip it’s claws in tight around you
Come and go in mighty swells
Raise it’s hands high up above you
But make sure you stay real still 
I am mighty
So is it
All we can do is coexist
Oh yes I am hurting
But oh my how I’ll heal
Can no longer fathom the need to conceal
If making it feel better feels worse for a while
I can take it 
I will make it

The Big Sad

If stars are what we’re made of 
A blueprint for our lives 
That’s where I’ll look for answers
Open hearts meet open skies 
Wondering which ones shine the brightest
From reflections in your eyes
Making my decisions from Venus
With Mars off to the side 

It’s all about the balance 
Orbits shift and sway and steady 
We’re the last ones in control
Better learn to bend so you’ll be ready
Retrograde is coming 
And I’m all set for the ride
Making my decisions from Venus
With Mars off to the side 

Oh you can see her up there beaming 
I can feel me beaming too
Hush my mind and maybe focus
On me leaning into you
She says “soften, open, expand”
And I swear I’m trying to

Also now it doesn’t really hurt
I’ll readjust my view

PlanetStuff.wav

Where’d all my loving go?
Is it treasure hid away?
Or nonchalantly on display?
I’ll never know 

As soft as fallen snow
Came but couldn’t stay
Maybe could’ve now we’ll never know 

You never had to guess cause I supplied it
I hid it all around so you could find it
Does it ever cross your mind?
All my love you left behind?

But I planted this garden 
To be hearty 
I guess I’ll keep it growing just for me

This Garden

What’s keeping you from me?
Is it the hope or the fear of me?
Faced my fair share of shit 
But honey this is it 
Can’t you see? 
All the other spaces
Weren’t deep enough to really place it
I’ll help you clean it out
Find what it’s all about 
Then maybe we’ll have room

What’s Keeping You?

(No you can’t- no you can’t)

If I’m being honest
And trust me I am 
You really fucked me up
And I hope you understand 

You can’t love love love
And then abandon them 
Have them heal what you can’t
And then head to higher land 

Cause I’m heavy-handed 
And heavier-hearted 

Fed up with forever
Needing to start again 

You can’t love love love
And then abandon them 
Have them heal what you can’t
And then head to higher land

Abandonment Issues

This ain’t what I pictured honey 
Disillusionment 
And I don’t give a fuck about your money
You can keep it 
All of the loving that I gave to you
Honestly hoping that it carries you through 
No hard feelings
I just wanna be cool
So be cool 

You have to leave room for doom
If you ever wanna bloom 
Oh and I’m gonna 
Bloom

Room For Doom

It doesn’t hurt that much now
Only when I stop and think on it
Sometimes as the sun sets 
And every time I hear that chord 

Used to feel like lightning 
Lately it’s a breeze 
Often feel it moving all around me
But it doesn’t course through me anymore 

I love this game
But I’m not saying that again 
Okay- so well 
(X2)

okay so well

It feels so warm here 
I know sun comes and goes 
But we could stay here 
We’ll know when we’re too close 

Out in the cold
Under the moon 
I cannot stay here 
We’ll never know if we’re too close 

This shit ain’t easy 
Try to release it
I’m flying
I’m flying 
I won’t fly too close to the sun 

Feeling don’t leave me
I’ll start believing 
I’m holding on
I’m holding on
I’m holding on

icarus.mp3

only peace

2020 has elevated our global empathy to such a level that we can sit back and ask each other “what do you really want on the other side of this pandemic?” I want a life worth living.

Carnelia

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