Barely Juice (Concept Demo)

Goodbye/Under his Eye - Jazmin Bean

PORTALS

Labyrinth V1

DEARLY DEPARTED

The Principal trilogy tour live

rough first take of one of my favorite songs, and mixed by one of my favorite people cult friends @user-601958777 <3

on bloody mother fucking assholes and church men’s events

growing up gay in the church is a difficult experience to navigate. being preached to about god’s love, and then watching your queer friends silently being ostracized by the same people who spoke these words of love. feeling a disconnect between yourself and the other boys around you. never feeling like the sort of man who would attend the “men’s rallies” that my church would host. having no interest in going to these events. being afraid other people would wonder why.

im not exactly sure when i first heard the song bloody mother fucking asshole by martha wainwright. i know it was last year or so, my boyfriend sent it to me because it was in a show he was watching. while the song is given different context by martha being a woman, this song took hold in me. there’s a section of the song:

“oh i wish, i wish, i wish i was born a man/so i could learn to stand up for myself/like those guys with guitars/i’ve been watchin’ in bars/who’ve been stampin’ their feet to a different beat/to a different beat/i will not pretend, i will not put on a smile, i will not say i’m alright for you/when all i wanted was to be good/to do everything in truth.”

while of course i was not watching men play guitars in bars, i was watching the men at church. how they acted, how they talked. while i wasn’t exactly sure how or why, i knew i was different. and i was afraid that they knew too. looking back i’m not sure if they did and i’m happy to say i don’t care anymore, but of course back then i did. i wish i was more like martha back then. not caring or pretending that i wasn’t scared i would be outed somehow. not caring that i would possibly be shunned by people who spoke of God’s love but who seemed to have an odd and specific way of showing it.

being gay wasn’t really something that my church talked about. in fact, as i touched on earlier, when some close friends on staff at the church came out to some of the church leaders, they were, more or less, forced to leave. in a heartbeat, two of my closest friends i came to depend on, who had put years into the church and were part of the worship team, were gone, and not spoken of again. it was as if they were never there at all. i knew i couldn’t stay. my fears were confirmed. like them, i had given years volunteering, and being a part of the worship team, but now i knew that my heart did not matter. what mattered was something i could not control. like martha says in the song, all i wanted was to be good. i didn’t ask to be born gay, and i didn’t understand why i couldn’t be gay and still lead other people in worship of the god who made me.

i really wish it hadn’t taken me so long to accept myself and be confident enough to be me. now, i’m writing this in the apartment i have with my boyfriend. we just passed our two year anniversary. while i will not exaggerate and say that i am now always happy, i am better. although i still have those moments where i wish i was born a man, a “real” man, although i’m honestly not exactly sure what that means. but i can say i will no longer lie about who i am. i will not pretend.

Goodbye/Under his Eye - Jazmin Bean

J

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