Growing up.

Hardship. 

No image can explain.

mukilteo carnivale

Administrator's Album

M.E.

 if i was a different man
not internalize the feud
i’d not grow tired, i’d wake up smiling
with your bare feet on my bedspread

ice sleet snow on a midwest morning
i mirage his face right inbetween the sunspite
a past controls the present tension
and I can feel the dreams of him upend my confidence

But,
if you can show me somehow to survive with pain inside
I will look right past my cynical way of sight
 if you can find a present in the past, 
 tell me how and i will take you home with me

internalized her empty smile
foot fore foot before i fall
within myself, there’s no way out of this
relentless hope
i produced myself

if you can teach me how i can survive without persistent questioning of motivations
connecting the dots without making an angle
take me somewhere i cannot touch
i’ll take you home. 


midwest morning - 8:26:16, 5.46 PM

first song i wrote after leaving my band 7 years ago. 

remembered it tonight. 

recorded it.

houses - 8:27:16, 2.25 AM

lyrics:

Imagine you have all you ever wanted, but you're still wanting, Somehow still upset and yearning, thinking petty, the jones's have this and that and everything
I'm only 30

And I suppose happiness is like the greatest mystery, or maybe I'm just one felony - arrest report away from realizing the happiness I seek is right in front of me... hint hint it's not material

Do some blow, smoke it up man, get trashed say things you wish you hadn't said then make a deal that you'll regret the next sunrise time reflection, lie and say you won't do it again - man you're making progress

Hide out somewhere tropical, let the hundred dollar bottles and the million dollar panos help you forget about your past, right at the apex of your buzz and before the hangover hits it's a tight window my man

Feel depression, know the loneliest of clouds above your bedspread, filled your head, a paradox to the clear sky and the sun rays... ask yourself how can I ever feel happy again if i can't force a smile on the prettiest of days while i rest in the shade - that's a good question a better one would be why is my girlfriend crying?

Compare yourself to the incomparable, chase a ghost and end up surpassing him then wonder was it worth it?
 do I deserve it?
 I'm no genius more of a hermit trapped in a circus; addict of addiction and perpetual courage 

Only if it's liquid...

In between the rusty surfaces of slums and tiny villages like Sparta where my dad was from and the silver spoons I'm eating with - have a casual Tuesday dinner at Ruth's Chris. I think what you're referring to is the middle class.

Where did the meaning in all of this go? What does my measure of success say for myself or the world? Or my family or my generation, and if looks could kill I'm sure I'd snooze on a deathbed resurrected 

Cuz I made a million and spent a million and yeah I Drive a Lexus or an Audi with my Rolex and my Louis V and I'm so pretty with my paper money fiat currency.

And technology has such a grip on me my written words are texted in the newest iteration of the iPhone I 5 I 6 I 7 whatever happened and I a pen man?

Say this is all hypothetical - not literal but a vision or a dream that turned into a nightmare watched on a movie screen and it's not my soul or my heart or my damaged synapses. My seratonin uptake inhibitors are baffled at the sight of my incessant pessimism but it's ancient fear of progress and unrelenting thoughts of common sense colliding to tell me why I can't win  on this reel to that keeps on spinning - and maybe it's created, maybe I created it

H:ours

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