Puppet History

It’s a good gig, bein' a snowman
They roll me up every year
Look at that little funny carrot nose
It brings folks so much cheer!

But the thing that makes me special
A little secret all of my own
I’m the only man of snow I know who’s full of other people’s bones

Y’know I’m not too sure how it got its name
But Donner Lake’s a beautiful scene
In fact I’m not too sure of plenty other things
Like where I got these fancy spleens

I guess some snow’s just gory
Which is why I’m so unique
I’m the only man of snow I know who’s got a couple sets of teeth

CHATTER WITH ME.

A snowman is a wish you make with winter’s heart
Speaking of hearts I’m packin' five a those, eleven toes, eight clavicles, how magical!

And when the spring brings the warming sun
Be sure to watch your step on your mornin run
Cause I’m the only man of snow I know who’s got somebody else’s tongue

Bring it home

I’m the only man of snow I know who’s full of other people’s bOWNEZ!

Snow Bones About It

So this Christmas
You wanna get em
Somethin sweet and sentimental

Aren’t you precious
And so thoughtful
So very nice

But lemme pitch you this
Instead of worthless shit
Maybe take the hit
And dip
Into those savings for a little
somethin priceeeeyyyyyyy

Gucci, Rolex, Tiffany
A rare illegal foreign cheese
I’ll buy you shit that’ll make you scream
Make your real life feel like a holiday dream

You want a yacht okay why not
A taxidermied ocelot
Armani, Prada, and Dior
Anything you want, I’ll wrap it up, it’s yours

This Christmas! Gonna spend every DIME
Because the finest gifts are
ONE YOU FIND ON A SHELF

This Christmas! Ain’t wasting my TIME
Tryin to read your mind and make you something myself

(Wailing)
This Christmaaaaaas!

This Christmaaaaaas!

Love on a Shelf

Well the winter snow’s-a-fallin and you know your friends are all expecting
gifts oh so unique
And you really better nail it, cause you know that you’ll have failed em if
They’re not knocked off their feet 

You can get em comfy slippers, seasons tickets to the Clippers
A kazoo for playin jolly little tunes
Some nova lox or wooly socks, fancy chocolates in a box
A funny shirt they’ll prolly throw away by June

But if you wanna get em something cool and hip and new
PSST
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified goose!

Can you imagine how they’ll clap
After they tear away the wrapping
And lay eyes upon an ancient dusty bird

Some hollow bones, their very own
to grace a mantle in their home
If I might say, pretty impressively preserved

So listen, hey, this holiday,
I’m not sure what else I can say
But if you really wanna throw em for a loop

You find a goose that went kaputt
Ya wrap it up from beak to foot
And you give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
Give their ass a mummified
GOOSE
(honk)

Mummified Goose

I used to spend my holidays alone
An anthropomorphic oar, pretty bored
Sittin inside of his home, oh no

But then you met me, and I suggested we
Go on a little holiday trip, really quick
And we went down to the Bahamas for a dip
And we just kept going

Christmas can be every day
When you’re travelin' the world and you’re an oar and you’re gay
We ate tangerines in Tokyo
Then caught a flight to Borneo
And spent a day in Rekjavik
The hot dogs there were pretty sick

Every trip ya take is a gift
When you love the livin' hell out of the one that you’re with
We’ve been to Bangalore
and BogoTA
Had onion rings in Omaha

Got high as hell in Amsterdam
And ate up all our Christmas ham

God damn that was a damn good ham

And now the future that we make is our own
Close your eyes and throw a dart at the map, and that’s that,
Off to destinations unknown
I hope wherever we go has more ham

Travelin’s such a wonderful ride
But it’d be a drag without you here at my side
Why don’t we stop for brunch in Saskatoon
Namibia to see some dunes
Chicago just to peep the bean
And also bone beneath the bean

Antarctica if we’ve got time
I hear that France has decent wine
To London when the tea is served
And maybe skip St. Petersburg

Hey what’s the deal with Idaho?
Like should we bother? I dunno.
Singapore or Bora Bora?
Either, oar, cause I adore ya

Either Oar

This Christmas
My wishlist
Isn’t so much about the gettin
But the hope that I can give

Saint Nicholas
A gift that
Let’s him know how much we love him
If in fact he ever really even lived

Santa Claus, you are magic, but you also maybe weren’t real
And you slapped that guy
Who maybe shit himself to death, look it up
We didn’t cover it
But he allegedly shit himself to death
Here’s a drawing 

Santa Claus!
You saved the pickle boys
And did a bunch of other stuff
And now you’re bones
But even bones deserve some love
So here’s a song
From me to you
Santa Claus

You… you look like you want to sing?
Do you want to sing?

Thanks Professor for that sweet, sweet song
I was a real sourpuss but now I see that I’m wrong

The holiday season’s not the time for holding grudges
It’s a time for giving gifts and eatin cheese and tasty fudges

I’m ol’ Saint Nick and I’m here to say
I used to be a bishop but I’m bones today

Every year I bring joys and toys to kids
But frankly there’s lots of other things I did


Saint Nicholas saved the pickle boys
Ain’t ya heard? I saved the pickle boys
Sounds absurd n far fetched but you sure as shit can bet
That Saint Nicholas saved the pickle boys

Now what’d I do?
You save the pickle boys
The pickle who?
The pickle boys?
Who killed the butcher too?
Wait did you kill that butcher?

Ladies and gentlemen- recently barreled by a psychotic butcher
But resurrected by the clown prince of Christmas aka ME
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR
THE PICKLE BOYYYYYS

Song For Santa

Livin in France
Out in le country
A little more limited menu than you see in Paris

Got no filet mignon
Got no boeuf bourguignon
No bouillabaisse or creme brûlée or charcuterie

Ahh but when the pangs of hunger
howling in the gut grow stronger
Fangs come out and then I long to
MUNCH ON THE TERRIFIED FRENCH

French HEADS, I’m eatin’ em nightly
Bon apetite mon frère, no need to heat I’ll eat ‘em rare

French HEADS, season ‘em lightly
A bordelaise for Claire, a pinch of pepper on Pierre

HOWLS

Call me beast
Call me a monster
Just don’t call me late when a tasty young shepherd’s in the meadow alone

Go on and shame me
Ah but ya made me
It’s whatcha get when you’re hangin with a wolf in the quiet low valleys of the ecotone

Ahhh I realize it’s reckless
But this wolfy’s feeling peckish
If you don’t protect your neck it’s
CHOMP CHOMP AU REVOIR! Ha ha ha ha

French heads, they’re oh so yummy
Paprika dusted on Denis, a side of skewered Genevieve

French heads, in my tummy
As for below the neck, no thanks
I’m good
I’ll take the check PLEASE

French Heads

A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold

A stool of gold
A stool of gold

A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold
A stool of gold

A Stool Of Gold

Well I spent a Sunday shopping with my friend the lion tamer
Even though she snogged me nan
Then we popped into a shop 'n' met a baby named Magellan
Who was very, very tan

Magellan sold us boots and then he turned into a spider
Said that life is but a dream
Then he asked us for our emails
And he sent along an e-vite to his uncle’s (35th) sweet sixteen

Ding dang dong
This is the greatest song your pretty ears have surely ever heard
I drank some wine and fell asleep and when I woke I realized my brilliant brain had dreamt up all the words

Magellan’s uncle was a senator from Gary Indiana
Named Elroy Squirt III
He was confused about his nephew being turnt into a spider
So he asked what had occurred

Tried to reply but got distracted when the lion tamer
Put her tongue in Elroy’s left-most ear
Thank the lord me dear old nan weren’t at the party for this man
Because she’d surely shed a tear

Ding dang dong
This is the greatest love song your pretty ears have surely ever heard
Have you ever been regaled with as romantic of a tale as that of Elroy Squirt III
And the lion tamer and Magellan what a story so compellin'
Even if that spiderboy was far too tan

Elroy Squirt III

LIFE it rules but it also kinda SUCKS
But you wanna stick around because it’s fun to do STUFF
If only you could rid yourself of all your enemies
Well have I got news for your my friend it’s simpler than it seems

Now you could talk it out and be real polite
Or you could slap em with a glove get in a fancy fight
But if ya wanna keep proceedings clean n fast
I got a pitch, ready for this?
POISON THEIR ASS

Take any recipe, add a drop of me
Round out your four course meal with a fatality
Bottom’s up but oh oh! your time is too!
When they take a little sip of my Bye Bye Juice

A toxic cocktail, an insidious blend
Gently stirred, quickly served for a premature end
Drop drop in the goblet then a couple drops more
They give it a swig, tick tock, bodies hittin the floor

Knock knock, it’s the landlord lookin for rent
And now that arsenic you bought seems like money well spent
Drop drop, "Come on in, grab a beer, help yourself!"
GOOD LUCK EVICTING ME WHEN YOU’RE BURNIN IN HELL

When your dentist tells you ya eat too many sweets
Or somebody at the movie’s like “I’m saving these seats”
Anybody on the road who doesn’t know to use their blinker
Keep it up and get a taste of what I been keepin in my tincture

Now let’s say ya got a list of people making ya pissed
Have ‘em over for some drinks, say Sierra Mist,
Clink clink, raise a glass, here’s to you everyone!
Just be sure to dig some graves, ya gonna need em, son!

A toxic cocktail an insidious blend
Gently stirred, quickly served for a premature end
So play nice, be a pal, refrain from showin your ass
Or you might just be the next one sippin your last

We’re the Bye Bye Brothers and we came to say
If anybody asks you didn't see us here today
When it comes to petty murder we are simply the best
But there are several warrants out for our arrest

Bye Bye Juice

Tell ya what I think it sure is fun
To make people die
You should see how friggin funny ya look
When the lights go outta your eyes

And man I miss that ol Bubonic Plague
What a treat, what a hoot, what a gas!
Seein pigs eat bodies in the street
TBH, it kinda kicked ass

And sure I worked my fingers to the bone
Bodies here, bodies there, bodies everywhere
Lumpy people dropping left and right
The putrid smell of rotting flesh in the air

All good things come to an end
And to be honest, I needed a rest
But I’ll never forget how great it felt
To cash that overtime check

Plague Days (Y.O.D.O.)

Yeah it’s me
That big pile of diamonds
I’m that pricy ice
Oh but I’d look so nice around that neck

Marie Antoinette she didn’t want me
She told me to my face that I was ugly
But I guess in the end I got the upper hand
Because they didn’t cut my head off 

And sure, they hacked me into tiny pieces
A devastating thing for all my nieces
And yes necklaces can have nieces
When they’re anthropomorphic

I was just a pile of jewels
Made Rohan look like a fool
But a fella should know better
Than to trust a simple letter

So I guess if there’s a lesson
To this whole backstabbing mess than
It’s that if you think you know the queen
To make sure that you know the queen

Like, has she ever talked to you?
Or looked at you or smiled at you?
Or even seemed to think of you?
Or met you in the daytime?

Maybe ask her for a license
Or to pose with today’s paper
And if she doesn’t want to
Then my dude I think it ain’t her

Pricy Ice

Human flotsam
Ain’t two words, that ya likely like to see

Oh but a sneaky German U-boat
Left a nasty little present
For the ol’ Britannic and me

Well I’m a propeller
Ain’t a violent feller
Choppin people up
ain’t my scene

Oh but Iceberg Charlie
Put the pedal to the metal
And what happened
Still haunts my dreams

Oh-well-a chop chop chop!
And-a scream scream scream!
Bodies floating in the sea
A-chop chop chop!
And-a scream scream scream!
HOW’D THIS BLOOD GET ALL OVER ME!!!!!

I’m a propeller
An awfully sorry feller
And all I ever wanted was a life of luxury
But World War One it ruined my fun
My life is misery

Propeller's Lament

I’m god
Okay?
I’ve got something to say
Those dummies dancing half to death
That wasn’t me, no way

I made the stars and moon and sun
And also I made everyone
Like Genghis Khan, Celine Dion,
All dogs and cats, fruit bats, your mom

And sure some people worship me
But then I did make everything
Like Jupiter and Tupperware
And Diet Coke and teddy bears

But I didn’t make those people dance 
Oh way back when in olden France
I’m not that guy, that’s not my scene
You think that I would be so mean?

And sure I killed their crops for years
And preyed upon their deepest fears
Of squalor, plague, no food to eat
But dancing? Man, that’s not my beat

Know what, I lied, it’s all on me
I got those dingbats to their feet
Boy they could really jitterbug
But when they died I pulled the plug

So what, big whoop, who cares, come on
It’s not the worst thing that I’ve done!
Like bed bugs, pinkeye, Tampa Florida
And also the rest of Florida

So yeah I made those people dance 
Oh way back when in olden France
I’m sorry I know it was rude
I guess I’m just a zany dude

Didn't Make 'em Dance

Choo choo
I'm a train!
Choo choo
This is the song I sing!
Choo choo
All abooooooard!

Y’know it sucks to be a train
Luggin' normie losers through the cold and the rain
Same path, same track, same route
The monotony’s enough to make a choo choo POUT!

But then one day you catch a break
Gonna take a VIP to the Old Line State
Uh, who me? Yes you. But who?
Well I’ll tell you who-
The soon-to-be president of the
UUUUUUnited states.
They call him honest Abe.
He’s got a funny little beard
And he’s lanky and weird
But he sure knows just the words to say

But then some racist dipshits	
Took out a hit and chose to sit and wait-
For the man they call Abe
And robbed this lonely locomotive of a real exciting day

And then all of my choo choos
Turned into nothin but boohoos!

Boo hoo
Choo
Choo choo
Boo choo hoo hoo
Boo Hoo!
Choo boo hoo
Boo hoo hoo
Choo choo hoo
Boo hoo
Choo choo

Chugga Chugga Boo Hoo

Pompeii, a beautiful day!
Check me chillin in a geological way
I’m Vesuvius,
Some say the grooviest
Volcano they know in the west coast bay

And excuse-a-me-ah, a but ya see-ah
I got a little case of planetary diarrhea
So uh oh-oh-oh! I’m gonna blow
Ashes up the asses of the masses below

I’m Mount Vesuvius!
And, look, I hate to do this
Just gonna bury yr town rq :(
But spewin’ goo’s my truth, sis :)

Apologies to the bay of Napoli
But I gotta lotta lava gotta get outta me
Well I’m hot and I’m quakin! And shakin geothermally
But it’s not to be taken! Please don’t take it personally!

Pompeii! If you’re feeling it! Shout it back!
Oh, okay, well, they’ve covered in ash. —   

I’m Mount Vesuvius
And, look, I hate to do this
Just gonna bury ur town rq :(
Cause spewin’ goo’s my truth, sis :)

And I’m sorry but I can’t control these grim volcanic urges
And I hate to cake your town beneath my pyroclastic surges
And you have to know that even Mother Nature gets the runs
This could all have been prevented with a million tons of Tums!

I Spew Goo

Hatshepsut
She was competent as hell
They tried to wipe her from the books
As far as we can tell

A pharaoh
You should know
She really held it down
Oh just because she kept the peace
She don’t deserve renown?

Hatshepsut
Oh you haven’t heard?
She stepped up and ruled Egypt
And raised Thutmose the Third

A queen
A king
Depends which glyphs you’ve seen
But by and large
She sure took charge
And really nailed the thing

Hatshepsut
A funny claim to fame?
Her husband, dad, and kinda son
They all had the same name!

A pharaoh
Who narrowly
Missed her chance to rule
But luckily the king-to-be
Was tied up with pre-school

Hatshepsut
If you’re still asking whom?
Just show’s a pharaoh’s greatness
Can’t be measured by their tomb

A queen supreme!
Yet surreptitiously interred
I should know, me and my bro
Were mummified with her

Hatshepsut!
Commit the name to memory
Because you see, regrettably
She happens to be dead and we
Can help her out enormously
Particularly spiritually
If every now and the-ish we
Could toss a kindly thought to she
Who nearly became history
Not via Egyptology
But lost for all eternity
Erased though it’s a mystery
Why anyone would possibly
Resort to such vile treachery
And so it’s with respect that we
Remember on occasion
She kicked ass.

Hatshepsut

Choke For The Gold!

Go on 'n' take me
In your pocket, I will ride
Buy a little gumball, do some laundry
I’ll provide

But I’ll tell you man lately,
I ain’t feelin' right
Feelin' rough around the edges
Feelin' a little light

Well, these nasty scammers
Clip me down 'n'
Do me wrong

They got me wonderin'
Where the pieces of me
Have gone

Every day
Bit by bit, whittle me down
Little pieces of me
all over this town

I’m hopin' just maybe
If they clip me enough
Won’t be nothin left except
a pile of me that’s just dust

And who knows
Gust a wind could blow on by
Lift that pile on upward
Lemme see that pale blue sky

Up past the clouds,
glimmer in sun,
then float back down
And scatter me
All over this town

Pieces Of Me

We were in love once
Oar, weren’t we?
Dipped into the sea
Just you and me
Wading in harmony

We were were in love once
Oar weren’t we
But now I’m a sword you see
Me and Musashi
Boy we make ‘em bleed

I long for the days our heads dunked under waves
How we splashed and we smooched , oh remember?

Well now I’m a blade and the one thing I crave
Is to slash and to swoosh and dismember

We’re meant to be, Oar
Or are we?

Now this samurai’s cuttin me/you down to size
We must be denser than wood to not realize

We just can’t be, Oar
Or can we?

It’s pretty clear to me, you’d rather be weaponry
You’re spillin’ gore on the shore and I’m lost at sea

Puppet History

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