Intellectual property, mascots, Law & Order, and an Op-Ed shot at elitist kids. Folks, we're coloring all over the lines in our inaugural episode.

Trinity Letter

I mean really? Doesn't the title just say all you need to know? ... Fine. This week, the Dull Boys dig deep into the bag and reveal their love affair with BD Wong, defective food stuffs, and Brandeis. Also, there's a buncha Die Hard dissection. Something for everyone. 

And don't miss the very special reading at the end of the show.

Episode 7: Snack Hard with a Vengeance: A Christmas Tale

Dinosaurs, Goomba's and Bamba, oh my! Also, Julian confuses famous American painter Ed Hopper with famous American spousal abuser Dennis Hopper for a good five minutes (Official Dull Crayons' position: Easy Rider Sucks!), reveals his plain pizza eating habits, and Gabriel's great shame comes out: he memorized the number to Domino's as a kid. Plus, extensive, in-depth coverage of school lunch. Stay tuned, stay dull. 

"God creates dinosaurs, God destroys dinosaurs, God creates Man, Man kills God, Man brings back dinosaurs." (Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm in Jurassic Park)

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Episode 11: Teach Your Children Well (**but keep dinosaurs a secret**)

BONUS: Welcome to the Gun Show

BX Tony drops by to talk lockdown drills, safety protocols, and creative solutions to school shootings. Gabriel manages to make it through the ep without cursing and screaming the whole time, so that's a win; and if you make it through the first half there is lightness on the other side. 

"But what of the courage to stand in a room of little kids knowing all that is keeping you safe is a bookshelf and a reading table? In your heart a hope that our leaders will enact laws that will protect our kids, our schools and our teachers from guns that were made to execute vast numbers of people in an instant." ~Brett Bigham

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BONUS: Welcome to the Gun Show!

The moon is made of cheese, teachers hate cell phones, and "Billy-Madisoning" is now a verb. Also, the FINAL PREVIEW OF THE SNACK BRACKET. Plus, the guys patent Kool-est Ranch tortilla chips. 

"Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul." ~James Downey as Principal in Billy Madison

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Episode 12: Live from Sing-Sing

In our continuing coverage of the highly anticipated March Snackness, the Dull Boys dissect the world of chips. From potato to tortilla to taki, chip has long been a favored snack among Americans. We’ll find out who is doing the most in this contentious quadrant. 

Also, Julian and Gabriel take a hard look at the banned book list and find out what's really at the heart of American censorship (HINT: it's not what you expect).

Episode 14: THE SNACK BRACKET - Chip Challenge Accepted

Whoever wins, we all win. 



***Send your votes for the final winner into dullcrayons@gmail.com

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Episode 17: Corn Quad and THE SNACKENING

This week, BX Tony and Gabriel discuss what it takes to get your kid into the top preschools in New York (HINT: a letter of reference from Jesus would be just a good start). 

Then they take a trip into the world of conferences and translate some commonly used language by the professionals. Parents will not want to miss out on these insider tips of the trade.

And of course remember to vote for your snack of the year at dullcrayons@gmail.com . Winner to be announced on a future episode. Loser to be purged from supermarkets everywhere and burned from our memories forever.

Episode 18: The Lama, the Justice and the Housewife Walk into a Preschool...

Joined by Willy on the Car Phone, we discuss his extensive history in the field of education, and get updated on the wave of teacher strikes and walk-outs happening around the country--all of which are sincerely supported by the pod. Solidarity!

Then we go deep on 90's commercials that have taken up space in our brains that would otherwise have gone to cherished memories and first loves. But it's okay, cause what's more important is that we know every word to the Bagel Bites jingle.

Episode 20: Dull Boys Do TFA (Time For Ads)

Reigning Champ and Fruit Fly of the Pod, Dazzling Diana, in studio this week discussing how to be suspended from teaching for yawning, sneezing, and other non-protected bodily functions. 

Also, we have TOP SECRET information regarding the development of the long awaited Lady Snacks from PepsiCo, straight from out Deep Throat correspondent, Indra Nooyi. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/06/business/lady-doritos-indra-nooyi.html

Smash that like button, subscribe on your grandparents devices, write in to us at dullcrayons@gmail.com, and follow archzuger on instagram

Episode 21: Lady Snacks ft. Indra Nooyi

Sincerest apologies, loyal listeners. Turns out changing studios is a much more arduous process than initially anticipated. But rest easy, for we bring you another banger this week. BX Tony joins again to discuss teachers and staffers getting in trouble in the news and to play our newest game: Two Truths and a Rye™

As always, write in at dullcrayons@gmail.com
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@archzuger on IG

Episode 25: P is for Pardon

***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons***

The boys are in seriously dull form this week as we discuss current heroes and villains of education today, such as LeBron James, Betsy DeVos, and the guy who stole all the McDonald's Monopoly money (spoiler alert, he's the G.O.A.T) 

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IG: archzuger

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Episode 27: Heroes and Villains

***Visit our brand new Patreon page at patreon.com/dullcrayons***
It’s back to school time! And what better way to get into the right mindset than to take a trip back to Gabriel’s own kindergarten experiences with mother of the pod, Ellen. 

But before that, the two must address the decadence of Drake’s celebrity whiskey, the many plights of Colorado public schools, “best friends,” and the vaunted Wonderlic. All that and more on this jam-packed ep!!! 

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Episode 30: Live from the Bunker ft. M.O.P. (mother of the pod)

Episode 32: Resumes and Risk-Takers 

Polish up your resumes folks: we’ve got some jobs you’ll want to apply for (+ $900,000 and benfits). Plus we’ve got back to school shopping lists, M.O.P tries on sarcasm for the first time, and Gabriel and Ellen get really impassioned about mental health education—during which Gabriel spontaneously/bashfully opens up about his own history with mental illness—to be discussed further in future episodes

All that, and a friend of the show, Tom Kelly, pay report, and the 501(3) C scam across America. 

Mental health first aid links
https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/
https://www1.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/mental-health-first-aid.page

Episode 32: Resume-Makers and Risk-Takers ft. M.O.P.

Gabriel goes on a rant about Montessori being education Nazis as Molin gets booted from preschool; Molin takes us through the verses of the Doritos Bible while Gabriel drinks benadryl.  
Plus a gosh and fetch update from Molin, a look inside Germany’s education system and the notion of openly tracking students, and shouts out to Kate Wagner and Mcmansion Hell. You’re doing it big, Kate!

http://mcmansionhell.com/ 
https://www.vox.com/first-person/2018/8/6/17654434/betsy-devos-yacht-mcmansion-hell

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Episode 34: Education Nazis ft. Molin

Episode 35A: Rockstar Teachers Rat on their Kids

Stuff you shouldn’t say to your kid's teacher, Steeped-in-glue Miller eats his boogers, and Gabriel and Diana geek out really hard post snack report.

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Episode 35A: Rockstar Teachers Rat on their Kids

Gabriel goes solo for the first time to bring you the dullest episode yet, just in time for everyone’s favorite federal holiday: Fight Your Family Day! In this episode: Bill Gates talks shit, the scouts go to war, Heathers takes a Plan-B, and homeschool moms bitch about missing book club. It’s a shit-ton o’ fun. 

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Episode 36: And the pulitzer goes to... ft. No One

Happy Holiday’s from the Dullest. We bring you warm tidings and discussions of farts, maths, and the immorality of our newest co-host, Eric Danger--brought to you by Subaru. 

Also, fake news and fake approaches to combat it, the truth is not true, and when is zero actually fifty. 

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Episode 37: Maths, the Universe and Ethics ft. Eric Danger

In the first ever Dull Holiday Spectacular, Dazzling Diana and the Kindergarten Khan sail the Strait of Messina between over-celebrating and under-celebrating in schools, deftly navigate the often ridiculous school traditions that accompany the holidays, and declare clear and decided victory in the War on Christmas. 

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Episode 38: A Very Dull Xmas

Gabriel and Tony from the Bronx lay a bouquet at the grave of 2018 in this In Memorium episode. Featured on Pt. 1, the actual deaths of 2018, including: Koko, Toys’r’Us, Audrey Geisel, Steven Hillenburger, and more. 

Join us in Pt. 2 for the ghosts of 2018 that are still haunting our 2019. 

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Episode 39: The First Annual RIPPY'S, 2018 Pt. 1

Wild Buffalo Bill puts Sweet Mary Jane's whiskey tasting skills to the test in yet another game of his own making.

Feeling Kinda Whiskey: Prove It!

Like the movie It Follows, we have all been followed into the new year by demons: some dressed as people, others taking the incorporeal form of ideas. On this episode, Gabriel and Tony work to exorcise the demons of 2018 to purify the new year. These include Fortnite dancing, Betty Bitchface Devo, and the hideousness of the five-day work week. 

Once again, the views held on this show do not reflect those of the presenters. This show is and always has been a scripted play, written and produced by QAnon. We await silent Q’s empire. 

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Episode 40: The RIPPY'S, 2018 Pt. 2

In our most important episode yet, Willy and Gabriel discuss the staggering wage gap for teachers around the country. (Tears are shed, personal finances are shared, pregnant pauses abound, and at one point Gabe gets so frustrated he drops the dreaded R-word… it’s worth listening for that alone.) 

Also, our first ever LIVE call-in show!!! 

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Episode 41: Plummeting Wages and Bridges feat. Willy on the Car Phone

***Emergency Declaration is now in effect***

Yes, this is it; this is what we have been building and working towards for months; it’s al coming to fruition now. You will now experience, over the course of the next two hours, the abject horror that is the student loan debt crisis. From its humble beginnings in the 80’s and 90’s, to its growth spurt during the Great Recession, to its civilization ending proportions today, this is the full and unabridged story. 

In addition to explaining the problem in depth, Gabriel and David discuss the villains behind the problem, the criminal negligence on the part of the federal government, and the lying liars that propagate the myth that the crisis is itself a myth. We also address the final, and completely necessary, solution to the crisis: forgiveness.

Episode 42: The Definitive Story of the Student Loan Debt Crisis

Sorry Dullards, I lost my audio track for the first half of the ep, so it does give the impression I recorded my lines underwater. But at least mother of the pod, Ellen, and father of the pod, David, come across crystal clear in their first bracket. 

Doritos, Cheetos, and Play; it’s a goddamn ASMR masterpiece. 

And listen to Will’s Band of the Week
http://www.willsband.net/

46: BROKEN BRACKET: The PepsiQuadrant

**Email your vote for the winning snack at dullcrayons@gmail.com**

Tony from the Bronx joins Gabriel for the vaunted cracker quadrant, where first ever snack bracket winner, Fig and Honey Triscuit, emerged from just a year ago today. 

Also in the ep: the broad graveyard of podcasts, porn in the classroom, and bye bye to Last Chance U. 

GROWTH VERSUS PROFICIENCY

45: Last Chance CWACKER QWADRANT

An impassioned plea for you to vote Diablo Doritos at dullcrayons@gmail.com

Vote for Diablo

**Email your vote for the winning snack at dullcrayons@gmail.com**

Another solo night of snacks, drinks, and cursing the name of Misguided-Michelle Rhee, Scott hit-him-with-a-Walker, Busted Betsy and DATA. Fuck ‘em all. And a big  double bird to Pearson, Heinemann and the Gates’. (The rant gets strongest past the 25 minute mark)

Plus, Gabriel’s patented 3-Step model to fixing all education. 

GROWTH VERSUS PROFICIENCY

47: Oh FUDGE, BRACKET BUSTED

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Bernie Begs You to VOTE NOW

On this episode of Homeschool is Where the Heart Is, we invite a fellow holler homeschooler in to discuss the importance of safety, purity, and faith in our practices.

Homeschool is Where the Heart Is

49: The Lost Tapes: I Wipe My Own A$&

A new studio and new recording device combined to nearly destroy my fragile mind when half this episode was lost and the other half made almost unusable because of ambient noise. All that said, if you make it through the first 15 minutes, this becomes one of our most poignant discussions and the funniest D Report.

Gabriel Dreams of Duffy

Pre-Virus recording from October 2019. 
Gabriel and Diana run through +10 ed stories in an hour and half. Also, Diana reports on VIPKids. 

And as always, snacks.

51: Lost Tapes Pt. 2, Lightning Round

Lost most of the audio, so enjoy this clip

Maternity Leave Rant

Going Live Rant

Coloring over the line since 1987

One part Majority Report, two parts Uhh Yeah Dude, a couple ounces of bourbon, two dashes of Bodega Boys, and a splash of Chapo Traphouse. Stir it all up and drink it after-hours in a classroom while watching a dark comedy on your smart board and you’ve got Dull Crayons, the podcast for teachers, parents, and students* who want the real skinny on education and the crap-tastic nature of the world around them.

*Contains explicit material not suitable for young listeners.

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