softer kinder gentler slower

Dedicated.

Lyrics:

i’m a fat girl
i do fat girl sh*t
so i can’t fit
into my outfit
this beat is gas
to mean it’s phat
just like the size
i believe i is

now i lay it down chill
don’t you feed me lies
i got body dysmorphia
pullin in double-wide
tho my pants say zero
i believe that's my worth
till the scale says the same here
on planet earth

//

i presently believe
that i weigh a ton and that
i don't deserve norishment
should go for a run
at least around the world
but should aim for the moon
check out what Laika says
as i’m passing thru
cos all y’all suckas is fake
and science is real
askin after a cup of coffee, ‘is this a meal?’
feelin super jacked
and suddenly unstable
tummy buzzin neon-style
vision all Betty—
Gray-ble

cos i have my own ideals
and you simply dismiss it
two digits on the LED
like a heckin Christmas present
now i gotta lay down
maybe for the last time
cos if beauty is pain?
put down ‘murder’ on mine

//

Of course I acknowledge that all these thoughts I have are likely not a true representation of reality but instead my interpretation of myself.
I struggle with my self image daily and encourage everyone that hurts like I do to seek professional help and recovery.

Peace. Hope. Love.

2023.

Weightless [For Jami]

Tumblina Lu wrote the beautiful words.

I was moved to play something underneath.

There we are.

Summer. Over?

minimist maximalism

A story of the narrator’s loss.

Lyrics (c) visitor 2020

V1
And it’s these quiet lonely mornings that have nothing to do with you when it all comes back/
And the things that we had begin to appear like shadows in a fogged mirror and I see what I lack/
And this face has become undone by a gaze like a sun burning black/
And the evidence of time’s perfect crime rests in stolen moments, lost days and that I

Chorus 1
I can’t wake up from this reverie (this dream, this nightmare)
Am I just an echo (some fragment, some forgotten memory)
Is this real life or a stage production (please pull the curtain)
Pretty sure I missed my cue, and I lost my script, don’t know what to do

V2
And it’s those crowded downtown afternoons where I swear I saw you waiting for the train/
And the J Line pulls into the station, you board it, and disappear again/
And I’m never certain, so I never stray close and my heart strings tighten and braid into rope/
And I’m bound to these ties as if it was by some vaudevillian villain took me by surprise and I

Chorus 2
I can’t stop this catastrophe (this disasterpiece)
Are you just some ghost (some spirit, some spectre only I can see)
Is that your voice, your self (please leave a message after the beep)
Not so sure that it’s you but from far away it’s a beautiful view

V3
And it’s that night when you said goodbye that often comes to mind/
And the thing about it is I’m still trying to change it (Oh God, do I try)/
And your expression is as blue as the full moon/
And it’s your eyes and not your words that tell me you’ll be gone soon

Chorus 3
I can’t just make up this sort of eulogy (why couldn’t I be)
Was this some mistake (some factor, some gracious reprieve)
Are you still here? I wish you were near (this is what I never got to say;)
I’m sure I’ll miss you.

Eulogy (rough second take)

Sad ballad.

Sallad.

For J.

Lyrics (c) visitor 2020:

She loved like the moon, distant and far away/ and nothing I told her could make her stay/ through my begging and pleading, she turned her face/ silently saying I’m just a phase


Why it was her, I could never explain/ but indeed it was she that made the old things gleam/ when she shined her light upon it, and shared her belief/ I’d never betray her, not for anything 


Sometimes she was the only thing I could see/ only tree in the field, only flower in the spring/ only ember fire yield, only truth left unrevealed—but—/ it seemed as though sometimes she couldn’t see me


Now everything is different, moon and her love gone/ both fade into nothing with the light of dawn/ and I’m left here to puzzle what it is I’ve did wrong/ but when evening comes, I’ll sing the moon this song:


Once i shot for you, but never likely again/ my insane venture’s through, gone to rest in bed/ and who I once believed true, banished now from my view/ but she may turn her light onto someone new

Luna

Not a cover.

Lyrics (c) visitor 2020:

V1a: You wouldn’t ask for this, or anything ever/ except for some of my fries (sometimes)/ and I remember the weight of your heart, on our wordless mountain drives/ when you didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know what to say/ but when that song came on you were slow in trying to skip it, and I wish you’da let it play

V1b: You didn’t ask for this, and never would ever/ not even when you cried/ and I remember the weight of those days, and those desperate streets at night/ when we didn’t know where to go, but knew that we couldn’t stay/ but when that song came on you paused for a second, like I did today

C1: Cos every time I hear it now I think of you/ when the chorus comes in and the horns do too/ I think of how it would make you scream cos now it’s my ringtone and everything/ so turn it up and let your ears ring cos a simple song can mean

V2: something hidden and secret and I never got the chance/ to ask what it was that tune ushered back/ unbidden like some noxious plant or person or illness that spreads without diversion/ so I remain and I wrack my brain and listen to that song again/ to figure out which note or line it was that drove you out of your mind

C2: Cos every time I hear it now I think of these things/ after the bridge ends and third verse begins/ I think of how it would make you scream/ cos it’s been on every mix I’ve made since then/ so turn it up, let your ears ring cos a simple song can mean

[interlude]

V3: They can mean happiness if you’re feeling sad, they can calm you down if you’re feeling mad/ when someone you love has gone far away, a simple song brings them closer in some way/ and maybe that’s what you’d feel; a proximity that wasn’t real/ n’ though you’d try to break the cd, I’d still put it on if you were here with me

C3: Cos every time I hear it now yeah I think of you/ before the guitar jumps into the next song, ooh/ I think of how it would make you scream just cos you didn’t care for the melody/ so turn it up, let your ears ring, cos a simple song can mean

a simple song can mean..

Simple Song

Farewell to a lover

Lyrics (c) visitor 2020:

He asked her and knew she was lying/ why’d you ask the question if you already knew the answer?/ hoping he could tell, what she couldn’t say/ a soul-deep secret she meant to take to her grave/ can’t avoid it now, look me in the eye/ and tell me if you fear the last goodbye that we, that we—

Not so long ago, in a very distant place/ two very different people first met face to face/ at first they couldn’t tell but then began to see/ the things that seemed so disparate decreasing/ but then something changed and half-disappeared through a separation of miles and years—years—

Didn’t mean for it to happen, it just sorta did/ like the very first friend you ever made as a kid/ and now it means so much and all the little smiles in between make the tears worthwhile/ and it might be a bit before I see that same blue but I’m not gonna say ‘later’ and only say soon—soon—

Be seeing you

Be Seeing You

Junk.

Lyrics (c) visitor 2020:

V1:
There’s black bags and dishrags and moldy old clothes/
Take ‘em to the curb, away they go/
To some other dimension, where no one can see/
I’m just taking out the garbage, don’t worry ‘bout me/
(Guitar break)
Couple bucks change in the sofa/
Salvage law says that they’re mine/
Arrange em in stacks on the counter/
Next to the note that they’ll find

Chorus 1:
And then you’ll see my face on a screen/
Followed by an ‘RIP’/
And only two comments:
‘I knew her well’
(Beat)
‘Or did we?’

V2:
Got some old photos taken with some old friends/
I’d prob’ly do anything to, see them again/
We’d hang out for the weekend and all play ‘Catch-Up’/
With twice-heated coffee cooling off in our cups
(Guitar break)
Take em all out of their frames now/
Toss em to the crackling heat/
Got a few lamps and, other odds and ends/
To take back down to the street

Chorus 2:
And the next time you happen to see/
A handwritten sign that reads ‘free’/
Don’t you dare try to being me to mind
(Beat)
‘N ask, ‘is she?’

(Long break/guitar solo)

V3:
There’s no prescription for happiness, trust me/
I’ve been, looking for a while/
No magic mixture or location I’ve found to, retain my smile/
Thus this conclusion I’ve brought myself/
Wouldn’t wish this pain on, anybody else/
Now I’m clear to flee the scene/
My place is so pristine and clean/
Devoid of any garbage, except for me

Chorus 3:
Why can’t you see how my life’s killing me, fighting the long defeat/
Worn from all these lies and oceans that I’ve cried, trying to become complete/
I pray and I hope, before I gag and I choke, that everyone forgets about me/
Now, as I lay myself, to sleep//

Garbage

Singer-songwriter found in the heart of Colorado.