feel the hate

SECRETS- Ft.Purp.N

girl in harlem

“Man in the Mirror” is a track I made essentially to vent, in the healthiest way i know possible, to the ones who hear me the most. It’s a lotta shit I go through onna day to day basis that I choose not to speak on, but when I find the right words to express exactly how I feel, I run to a beat and create something that can help those who know me or don’t understand me better. The vulnerability is high, but the wall I built to protect it is higher. 
“My bitch was trippin, she told me she missin the old me, Im sorry but I’m not the same him…” is a simple line that without context can be misinterpreted completely , and i feel no real need to explain shit to anyone but this one line holds a lotta meaning to me as a partner to my significant other : We were happiest when it wasn’t clear who I was , and I apologize. I was the same thing i vowed to never be , did the same things i vowed to never do, and gradually became a monster. The old me isn’t someone that new me would even want around the people I care about. I’m not the same him. N Im doin my best to make sure old me and old me’s ways remain exactly that: old. 

after dat i started goin crazy yaa cant tell me i ain fuckin spazz like who the fuck am i and where the fuck i beeeeeeen 😭

Through back half of the song, certain heavier topics such as childhood trauma , drug abuse, depression and suicide are brought to light , to give light insight on the shit I felt/feel, the temptation of relapsing, and how all it really took was self control and discipline.

“I lost a piece of my mind, and all my peace of mind.” -2x

The song starts and ends with a voice memo I have no recollection of recording. That was the darkest, emptiest, hardest time period of my life and xanax made my days bearable. The more I try to think of what was going on around that time, the fuzzier it all gets. Ill never really know if I was taking them to survive dis overwhelming depression and hate I have for myself, or to grant myself a release into whatever is next for me after this life. I’m forever thankful to have been able to come back and keep making music after my overdose, but I’ll always wonder what could’ve been. 

- With pride, CeJay Peyton. 


***Youn gotta be alone if youn wanna be, if you’re feeling like this life is too much to handle at times, sit back and close your eyes and just let this one play 🫶🏽 but of course, if it’s more serious than music can help with , PLEASE do your loved ones a favor and speak up. The help you may need may not be free, but telling someone you need it is.***
1(800)273-8255 IS NO LONGER THE NUMBER FOR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE. Please dial or text 988 , or visit 988lifeline.org 
If you’re fighting an addiction, especially a pill addiction, please keep on fighting. Find your release without the drugs, the outcome we’re all aware of kills more than just you. 
For additional help with addiction, call 1(800)662-HELP (4357) or visit www.samhsa. gov. ***

Call on me Ft. Slump Kid Savo

J.Wavv

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