We’ve taken our new equipment on the road! This episode was recording outside during a family camping trip, and we took advantage of our situation and smoked a joint, so don’t get your hopes up on content. Kelley tells the tale getting trapped in a parking garage with Herman.  Mary proposes a top-ten drinking episode compilation.  Bill watched the Towering Inferno, so he has a timely review! Second run movies. We take a break and don’t really re-group. Kelley tries to re-light a joint about 100 times, with a terrible lighter. Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Reviews of Tablecloths? Nextdoor Update – a fascinating suspicious person description. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 202:  His Hair Was Hat

Surprise intro! Mary’s coming in hot, but in denial about it. We discuss Aaron Roger’s dipshit interview.  Bill brags about reaching stuff off the top shelf for strangers, and Mary reminds us of her short-legged life hack for that very situation.  Mary has adopted a street, but gets mad at us and barely finishes telling us about it. Bill confesses he has a gas leaf blower.  Bill has some old guy musings regarding Snoop Dogg and Cheers. Halloween wrap-up.  Mary brought the Seattle Joke book, and boy have we got a song for you! Kelley is blown away to learn the seed baron Ed Hume is from the Seattle area.  Mary has some cooking recipe reviews. Bill has some great workout advice.  Kelley’s Hint List! Make sure your house doesn’t have a 3-foot bathtub before you purchase it.  Umpire Pants Out

Episode 219:  I’m Gonna Make this Mask into Bunny Mask

Sorry for the late release, folks! We’re kicking off the holiday week with another short and sloppy boy! Non-listener Meaghan joins Kelley and fits right in with an Ernst reference before we even hit record.  We chat about the Kraken theme song by Aaron Jones that gets played before games, and then discover the Mariners have an odd official theme, but it has nothing on the Orlando Magic’s song that is making a comeback. What did the Fly Girls wear, anyway? And why did Kelley assume everyone would know who the Fly Girls were?  Your punishment for living in such a beautiful part of the country is having to hear Christmas in the Northwest at least once a year.  Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve is the Seahawks walk-out music, and has always been oddly fitting. We do Recipes from First Graders and our guest knows the author of the first one - everyone check out local guitarist Kyle Summers! Kelley’s Hint List! Ashes don’t burn, clean your stove.  Iron shirt collars front to back – Meaghan is peeved about this one!  Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 221: Buying Shitty Polyester Fabrics and Looking Good Doing It

Bill calls in from the Podcast Shed on this Black Friday record! We recap Thanksgiving and Bill has a forest creature pop in. How did our chocolate pie tradition start?  What movies are we watching this weekend? CSI Miami talk.  Sir Mix-a-Lot was at the Westlake tree lighting, but it was still pretty boring. We come back from the break without Bill and Kelley makes Mary defend her sweet potatoes from Thanksgiving.  Mary tells a tale of trying to track down a guy on the street she feels like she owes money to.  We read a Review of a Cooking Recipe for damp fish, and then finish the day off with Kelley’s Hint List. Umpire Pants Out.

Episode 222: I’ve Never Met a Mayo I Didn’t Like

YOU GUYS, WE ARE STILL DOING THE PODCAST, WE'RE JUST STRUGGLING THROUGH FEBRUARY. WE'LL SEE YOU SOON BECAUSE WE LOVE OUR NUTBALLS!!!  XOXO KELLEY AND THE GANG
The rock tumbler update you’ve all been waiting for! Cutting our own hair during the pandemic. Bill had the ultimate bad start to the day.  We brag about our state’s legal weed, again, and try to get a sponsorship going.  Making an everyday activity your hobby. We get an impressive stair update!  Guess what celebrities has Mary been compared to?  Motivational speakers and cults.  Kelley remembers a poor solution to a 6th grade problem. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Rock Auto and their helpful website & The Bob Newhart Show.  We return to the topic of Mary cutting sandwiches, and then talk ban mi (Pho 25 on 3rd Ave in Seattle is the place with good Vietnamese tofu sandwiches).  Recipes from First Graders! Umpire Pants Out!

229.1: RERUN ALERT - Episode 179:  I Got to Go for A Ride, Like a Dog

We recorded this before the Superbowl, but Bill’s prediction that Kelley didn’t understand was dead on.  Update on Douglas, the Squirrel. What do the movies Never Cry Wolf and Doc Hollywood have in common? Who remembers Dudley Moore?  Mary has a controversial Rant and Rave printed in the paper.  Mary’s Red Robin penny scheme.  Finding lost objects.  Should our family invent a birthday song? Kelley’s Hint List! Smush your old gross soap together! We discuss why we were all so impacted by the Irish Spring commercial.  Mad Magazine.  Kettle hints.  Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 230: Nobody Likes Magic or Everybody Likes Magic

It’s mid-May movie talk! Mary brings a list of movies she likes and the variety is astounding. Rant and Rave: Spicy food strikes again. Kelley has some walking around stories. Mary was impressed by a guy’s purchase at Goodwill. Greenhouse prank or earthquake? We steal another Colbert Question: What happens when you die. Mary would hate Coffin Flop, even though it’s so good (everyone watch I Think You Should Leave on Netflix!) Is not having a toaster like not having a purse? Kelley’s Hint List! Redo your awnings with awning paint. Use a seltzer bottle for a fire extinguisher. Steaming a velvet coat. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 242: I Have an Oven Mitt, I Have a Spatula

Bill is calling in with a serious toe injury. !!!SKIP AHEAD to MINUTE FIVE (5:00) IF YOU’RE SQUIMISH!!!  Mary hurt her back putting on pants and Kelley buzzed her head. What are we watching? Stranger Things; Only Murders in the Building; Obi Wan Kenobi (SPOILER ALRT – Obi Wan – I have no idea if Bill was joking about this being a spoiler – KJ). The stinger animals have beef with Mary – why? Herman got scared of a spider, and Bill remembers an old baby spider story. Costa Rican creatures. Mary’s Reviews of Cooking Recipes! Non-listener Meaghan submitted this week’s bowling meat recipe. Mary’s rude to service workers still. Wing doors seem like a bad idea when you’re lifting kids out of backseats. Kelley’s Hint List: Wrap your mop in a bag to shake it if you can’t go outside. Remove grease with soap and French chalk (AKA Tailor’s Chalk). Don’t wash away your linoleum. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 248: Always Eat Bowling Meat

Bill is on the phone and we talk about The Twits right off the bat. The Stupid’s books were great. The Godfather and Deer Hunter movies are mixed up in Kelley’s head. Kelley recommends Claws one final time as a “good bad show.” Bill recommends Banshee as another over the top show. Kelley has a New Wives Tale: You can freeze fresh guacamole!!! Mary ate some rotten beans and might die. We used to have a potato drawer. Mary was very briefly cut off from baked beans. If Bill dies, it’s from a cat scratch. Toe update from Bill. Bill’s Timely Movie Review: Dirty Dancing edition. Kelley’s Hint List! Slipcover fabric hints. Cover holes with patches. Use ammonia on your chandeliers. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 249: I Ate Some Old Beans Today

Bill wasn't willing to drive over an hour to record with us in person, but we're back! THIS IS STILL OFFICIALLY A PODCAST! We're doing two-times a month eps now, folks. Bill's Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Detroiters. Shout out to our Canadian listeners! Have you  heard the fake English Italian song? Mary is afraid of carwashes, but nothing else. Bill loved the Elvis movie, even though he just said biopics are hokey. Rod Stewart talk. Bat report: Got a bat. Our Botan Rice candy tattoos. Kelley's Hint List! How to clean after broiling meat. Drapery Rules. Rules for new down pillows. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 251: Blazing Some 420 Bones

It's a re-run of our Halloween Episode! We have some new ones coming, so don't fret, folks! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Episode 251.2: Halloween 2021

An old lady and two cool young people is back, baby! Which famous trio do we line up with? Bill has a Toe Update (not the pee toe, the other toe). Mary is fresh off her 70th birthday party. We're off Twitter. Beloved Robin Williams, Popeye, and joke stealing. Bill saw Three Days of the Condor. Jon Candy is the best. New Segment: Bustin' Mom's Balls! Mary is afraid to use her toaster oven knobs. We won't become a video podcast. Bill thinks William Shatner is a good actor. Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Reboot (the show) and people being happy to see stranger's dogs. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 252: It's Fine, it's not Great

Surprise! A new episode!

Bill here. I'm in charge of editing and publishing so from now on the podcast will be late and full of Mary's lip smacking.

Rant and rave/skeletons/driver's ed/bully sticks/bean bag chairs/Lethbridge fashion/house dressing/PSA: cars are dangerous/everything is getting worse update/Redmond is a small town/I don't know what the buttons do/Empire Pants Out

Episode 253: House Dressing

Surprise again! We reorded this about a month ago and I have neglected to upload it the whole time. Whoops! But I did learn something--I don't do anything if I don't have a deadline. Just kidding I already knew that.

The deadline in this case is we started recording again so now I have 3 episodes piling up. I have no idea what we talked about because I didn't listen to it so hopefully nothing bad!

We'll get back on an every other week schedule soon.

Episode 255: Trip Reports	
I remembered to name the episode!
Our trips to Costa Rica and Las Vegas; Mary gets very mad at us for interrupting her story (Bill mostly); we "ended" the episode early; <<commercial break>>; old folks homes and casinos; more Las Vegas; mom was a little mad we went to Vegas without her; best parts of Vegas; Shawn Kemp update; Bill needs a deadline; Bill lied about releasing this on the same day; Bill is not a fan of Al Franken; watch Sherlock Jr.; Umpire Pants Out

255: Trip reports

Sloppy start; Oh Word?; dive bars; gelato; Puerto Viejo update; street music; concerts; disastrous Readers Digest quiz; AI writing sucks; quilts are underrated; hot dog pizza; Umpire Pants Out

Episode 256: I got two oh words

Guess who didn't set a calendar reminder to release their podcast?

I think this one is pretty good. I got about halfway through and didn't hear anything weird so fingers crossed!

We recorded this one in person in the condo

257: Better late than never

We recorded this a long time ago and I haven't listened to it yet. I hope we didn't say anything bad!

Episode 258: Who knows what this is about

This is from so long ago all I remember is that we watched the pumps and a bump video

259: Pumps and a Bump

We talked about some stuff, did some hyntz, the usual

Episode 260: The Knickerbocker Buckaroo

We recorded this a super long time ago so I have no idea what is in here, except the cat walked on the board and played a sound effect so loud I had to edit the file to make it quieter, and I don't edit ANYTHING. I'm doing a Dogme 95 type thing here.

Episode 261: A Cat-tastrophe

I didn't get around to listening to this one but the sound is better. Mary and Kelley are in Costa Rica and we talk about various topics.

63: Like a Hall and Oates Album Cover

Star Wars year.  Reigning in Mary.  Id/Ego/Superego.  Snow.  We're sitting in the wrong order.  Mary needs to watch Raising Arizona still.  We haven't seen each other since the Super Bowl.  Kelley Hates the Red Green show more than she should.  Muffins with shortening, upcoming challenge?  Mary talks celebrities and Kelley and Bill don't.  Simon update.  Andrew Gold Break.  Kelley wins the darned sock challenge.  Hints.  Porcupines vs. hedgehogs.  Best Bird.  Stockings/Garters.  9-to-5.  Rubber tape to fix coffee makers.  Clean wax flowers repeat.  Making tea.  Mary is mad about tea.  Open clams without hammers.

Episode 77:  Dried out Bull Donger

Testing microphones.  Tiny animals.  Yardbirds and Ernst talk.  Pearson's Nut Roll Log.  Banana bread challenge, with monk fruit sugar vs. regular white sugar.   The internet is getting worse.  Betting on crow incubation.  Mom's peepin' story. Bill is wearing real pants.  No false hope this February.  Best Ofs.  Real meat of or fake meat.  Onions or no onions.  Favorite fruit.  Mom hates cookies.  Hints.  Use flower for crispy fries.  Cake decorating hint gets heated.  Use light colored paint for a bright room.  Scratch-n-sniff stickers.  Clean broken glass with cotton. Umpire Pants Out.

Episode 79:  Honk a Car

I didn’t listen to this one, guys. I had a whole two weeks, and I didn’t do it. -Kelley

Episode 85:  I think we talked about Back to the Future

We recorded this on on Friday and I don't really remember what we talked about except old movies and our mayo test. I do remember that Kelley asked me if I could upload it and I said "of course!" and now here it is Monday night, 24 hours later and I didn't even listen to it. But I'm sure its great and the mayo was good.

Episode 89: Double Wangy

No more movie talk.  The 2000s are confusing to talk about when it comes to decades.  Shit List of the Week: The Disney Corporation.  Kelley gets her only “fact” about 2005 wrong (she was not married in 2006).  Bill’s movie review of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.  Ice Cream Truck of the Week:  The movie Young Einstein.  Mary emails in from Costa Rica. Shit List of the Week: The terms “hubby” and “hubs” and car dealerships.  Online comment sections.  Kelley’s second favorite teacher. How long can we hold our breath? Kelley’s Hint List! Make a coconut and orange ambrosia.  Keep lemons fresh longer.  How to wash leather gloves.  Keeping your ash pit clean.  Bill’s new business plan selling ashtrays. Don’t wait to re-sole your shoes. Arranging flowers and keeping them fresh.  Don’t peel your carrots. Custard baking tip.  How to iron skirts.

Episode 105:  The Potato Principle at Work

Weed talk and natural medicines.  Ice Cream Truck of the Week:  CBD & THC for pain management & Weighted blankets.  Shit List of the Week: Personalized license plates.  We discuss Ham radio, even though we don’t know what we’re talking about.  Distracted driving.  Bill starts podcast beef.  Secret toothpick email.  Everyone watch Cobra tonight, it's nice and short.  Kelley's Hint List! More hosiery hints.  How to repair a linoleum floor.  Filling muffin tins.  Turning light molasses dark.  Cleaning leather chairs.  Drying your leather gloves.  Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 108:  Bark Water

This track didn't change, I just fixed the title! It's a Kelley & Mary show! And the show notes did not make it with onto my thumb drive for uploading the show. We talked about couches, balls, the royal family, and some other stuff, then ended the show with Kelley's Hint List. Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 124:  These are Not Normal Size, Give Me Some Peas

My computer installed updates and restarted last night, and I lost all my work, so enjoy this minimally edited edition of Umpire Pants!  Is Mary ending the show today? Mary takes issue with her recording nickname but can’t explain why. Bill’s watching old shows.  Ice Cream Truck of the Week: Corny Local TV Stuff.  Local radio and fake bits.  Mary was happy with the DNC.  Bill’s washing machine has an error code, and the internet is not helping him figure it out. Email us if you want a picture of Bill’s injury!  Listener Vera picks the break song. Questions for Mary is on hiatus.  We talk about recurring dreams, but try to keep it brief.  Coast to Coast AM.  Recipe blogs.  Should we do the show live on the street? Kelley’s Hint List!  How to remove tea stains.  I gave up on notes after losing my files…Umpire Pants Out!

Episode 156:  I’m Looking for Some Husband Chili

Are umpire pants the best pants ever? Mary says yes, her son Bill says no. They also argue about almost everything else.

Umpire Pants

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