a friend of mine started on his way to become a social media influencer a couple years back and I found the process intriguing. this song trails the emotions of an influencer who has faltered and is now in a turbulent relationship with their followers, and the feelings of obligation in their followers to stick it through.

satiate (demo)

have you ever been in a relationship (of any kind) with someone in a mental health rut? maybe you’ve felt like you wanted to stay, or maybe you’ve felt like you should’ve left them so that your own mental health didn’t suffer to the degree that it did… you’re not alone, and you’re not a monster if you had to leave them.

———

shiner

you were tying little nooses on the canapé rope
and we held you to it loosely cause you said you could cope
you were high most nights, it was a lot to bear
so i was barely there

I would follow when you sleepwalked to see where you’d go
you would go out the back door and down the road
around the bend, in the river wading deep
if i tie you to the bed maybe I could sleep

you were tying little nooses while I stood and stared
felt like you would only say if it felt it to share
you were high most nights it was a lot to bear 
so I was barely there
I used to love when you called me out of the blue
now it’s a shock to the system to hear from you
you were alive most nights but I was really scared
it was a lot to bear

why would you ever lie to me
there’s nothing i could do to set you free 
anyway,
so I can’t stay
(‘cause your pain is my pain!)

how’d you not think this would affect me
when I counted on you to protect me
sometimes
I hope you change your mind

you were tying little nooses on the canapé rope
and we held you to it loosely cause you said you could cope
you were high most nights, it was a lot to bear
so i was barely there
I always loved when you called me out of the blue
now it’s a shock to the system to hear from you
you were alive those nights but I should not have cared
I should’ve left you there

I should’ve 
(left you there!)

oh I should’ve 
(left you there!)

oh I should’ve 
(left you there!)

I should’ve 
(left you there.)

I shoulda

shiner (demo)

an updated version of satiate

————-

satiate

be it somewhat different
being mistaken,
all the while fakin’
however grim

guns and white roses
the people and their Moses
breaking the day
no option but to stay,

just satiated
unreasonably elated,
so far removed
they satiate you

they lack your ambition
guarding worn out intuitions
your disdain to prohibition
drives them away

do you see how they perceive you?
how gently they deceive you
it’s quiet when they leave you
wasting away

but instead you’re satiated
you’re unreasonably elated
you get so far removed
from those who can’t satiate you

(instrumental break)

being somewhat different
and being mistaken,
all the while faking’
how well you belong

they won’t fill you up for long
(won’t fill up for long)
they won’t fill you up for long
(won’t fill up for long)
they won’t fill you up for long
(won’t fill up for long)
they won’t fill you up for
(won’t fill up for…)

satiate (demo updated)

i’m wasted, i’m wasting time, and we should waste time together. 

a lil track I made the other day with sam and liam :)

wasted (live recording - demo)

a “made in my bedroom” demo of a song I wrote on valentine’s day after counting how many people had a bouquet of flowers in their hands

valentine (demo)

amidst the suicide of someone I knew, ‘swan dive’ was created out of the revelation that a smile can hide everything. don’t mistake the end of the song for being happy, it’s moreso a reconciling with death and the choices of others, and wishing them happiness for every life thereafter.

———

swan dive

I had a dream last night
I was trying to lock my door 
and I was trying 
and trying 
and trying
but I stopped when my wrist got sore 

I had a dream last night
that I saw your face once more
and I was searching 
and searching 
and deep in your eyes
I couldn’t find what I was looking for

I had grace and I was kind
a clue I thought i’d find 
and I was crying
and crying
But deep in my heart 
I knew nothing woulda changed your mind

just an awful day to get through
only a lifetime left without you

well you’re lookin to break out of your prison
left yourself with a soul decision
and if happiness pays with your life
not something you’d seek in advice

you’re thinking about what they’ll find
not one soul could change your mind
saw happiness out in that night
took yourself a little swan dive

Swan Dive

lately i’ve been rooms with a lot of cool and amazing and talented people and sometimes I can’t help feeling like I shouldn’t be there. 

———————

the coolest in the room

I started reading classics
cause everything you say is history
picked up leonard cohen
but i’m not sure what he means

oh wow! you went to tokyo 
and you caught it all on video
and you backpacked in hong kong
yea I bet the flight was really long

and I don’t wanna assume
i’m not the coolest in the room
not good enough to get it for free
so i’ll stand in line and pay the fee

I ask, you never offer
you’ve got some fancy degree
probably have a chauffeur 
and endless means

and i’m not trying to be rude
your daddy’s money could get me sued
for lack of gracious mockery
i’ll be a quiet nobody

and I don’t wanna assume
(no, I don’t wanna assume)
i’m not the coolest in the room
(i’m not the coolest in the room)
not good enough for a guarantee
(not good enough, not good enough)
you are my lock, i’m not your key
(not good enough, not good enough)

(not good enough, not good enough)

(not good enough, not good enough)

the coolest in the room

everything you were promised you got, the job in the city, the 9 to 5, the monotony, the boredom. those teenagers were golden, so why isn’t this? ￼

—————-

golden

maybe in a dream
maybe you and me
ripped my diary
and ate the pages

Maybe in a dream
more than what you seem
Ignore your “in-between”s
and fill new spaces

golden, baby, nothing you could need more than your honey
funny, talking pretty greedy but you’re open
to needing, something to keep you standing in repose
shiny like gold

leave home at eighteen
(go to school in the city)
see now what I mean
(no motivation feeling shitty)
grow into a machine
(wake work sleep)
a machine with braces
(braces)

and when the 
moon feels close to me
(a nihilist, it seems)
I’ll climb the nearest tree
(nothing here for me)
start counting down from three
(end is bittersweet)
and heal up new breakage
(breakage)

golden, baby, nothing I could fear more than my money
honey, talking pretty ugly but I’m honest
wanting, something to keep me standing on my toes
shiny like gold

golden, baby, nothing I could fear more than my money
honey, talking pretty ugly but I’m honest
Wanting, something to keep me standing on my toes
Something to hold, shiny like gold

golden

is the house party of your dreams? You meet a girl and you’re nervous but you decide to go for it anyway.

————-

do you mind?

Ellen's in the front room
She and grace have hashed it out
I know it's never something serious
I'm sure they'll laugh about it soon enough
Is enough
Now I'm fresh outta luck
Spilled the drink in my cup
Now they're calling my bluff

(Ah, shit)

I think I'm growing onto you
You wouldn't mind that, would you?
You need a smoke and I need a few
You wouldn't mind that, would you?
Meet me out back, out of their view
You wouldn't mind that, would you?

You wouldn't mind?
Oh, you're too kind!

I'm covered in dew
Watching you chew on smoke
I try to say something interesting
But you miss the joke
I'm wondering if you're alone or just here on your own
But I don't ever ask I just watch you get stoned!
But enough is enough
Feeling fresh outta luck
Spilled the drink in my cup
Now they're calling my bluff
But I-

I think I'm growing onto you
You wouldn't mind that, would you?
You need a smoke and I need a few
You wouldn't mind that, would you?
Meet me out back, out of their view
You wouldn't mind that, would you?

You wouldn't mind?
Oh, shit you're too kind!

What April lays down
May will take in
What August breathes out
I will breathe in,

I will breathe in,
I will breathe in,
I'll breathe, I'll
I'll breathe, I'll

Hey!

do you mind?

you’re too this, you’re too that. you’re too much, you’re not enough. you’re everything good but in a bad way. fine it’s whatever you want and whatever you need then. ￼

—————

me, myself & i

I thought about it,
(thought about it) more than maybe I should’ve 
I’m lost for all but wasted feelings notched in my bed post at night
I’m too farsighted I need blackened glasses to keep my hopes in sight
I’m too warm-blooded always asking for these things you can’t provide
no room for me, myself & i

i’m so emphatic, I just can’t contain emotions like some might 
I’m so magnetic all my darkest thoughts are drawn to me at night
i’m never easy on myself, if there’s a game then there’s a prize
Always the hand that feeds I bite, no room for me, myself & I

Whatever you do, whatever you need, don’t always have to be right by me
Wherever you go, whoever you see, don’t always have to be right by me
Whatever you do, whatever you need, don’t always have to be right by me
Wherever you go, whoever you see, don’t always have to be right by me
Whatever you do, whatever you need, don’t always have to be right by me
Wherever you go, whoever you see

It’s whatever you do, whatever you need!

me, myself & i

every day is “war, terrible war” you watch the news and the news watches you back. ￼

—————

it’s all in the news

your anger turned biblical
you break what you’re building
and put out the fire you’ve been kindling

you flick off the stereo
and yell about the war
as if i wasn’t on your side before

why do you hate what you borrow
say sweetly there’s always tomorrow
Why do you talk when you chew 
like choking doesn’t scare you
I see it all the time 
one minute you’re fine 
the next year through 
it’s all in the news

it’s all in the news

when you’re sucked so deep into a shitty kind of love, anything looks pretty like a firework. you become blinded by everything, in love and distracted by their pyrotechnic light show of disaster. just like the light show your love for them was a primal instinct. just like fire, your love for them was primitive. 

—————

primitive

Made of steel, nicknamed ‘the fuse’
Millions died, said the news
Grave mistakes, running from your flames 
Don’t call me again, call it a shame

Thought I was right and you were wrong
But look who’s dead and who’s singing this song 
Fade my shadow into the lonely abyss
I’d give my life for another kiss

When I was blinded by your pyrotechnics 
You said you want me but it sounded slapstick
Etch our initials in your failing light
I’d die tonight 
To get you back one more time
I’d die tonight, to get you back

Laser pointer, foot to gas
What you burn never lasts
Your manifesto on my brain
Don’t call me the one, if you’re to blame

I’m not strong but I’ll take the load
You’ve got your dial up to implode, and I wanna
Shape my hands around the curves of your hips
Oh how I’d die, for another kiss

While I was blinded by your pyrotechnics 
You said you need me and I was so foolish
Perform my ritual on your grave despite
That i’d die tonight
To get you back one more time
I’d die tonight to get you

Now don’t you feel bad
Burning everything we had
You didn’t love you like I did
The way I loved you was primitive

I was so blinded by your pyrotechnics 
you said you loved me but it sounded selfish
destroy my visual, let my soul ignite
i’d die tonight
to get you back
I was so blinded by your pyrotechnics 
You said you loved me but it sounded selfish
Destroy my visual, let my soul ignite
I’d die tonight
To get you back one more time
I’d die to get you back

primitive

it’s not perfect but it’s finally me :) alternative folk/rock/pop artist in toronto, canada

katya coulton

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