drangerhost

Introduction in English:

In my late 30s, I still suffered from frequent anxiety and panic attacks. During this time, I had a recurring nightmare: I am lying in my bed at night. Some dark, strange figure comes into my room. It slowly comes closer to me. Before it reaches me, I wake up screaming and drenched in sweat.  
One day my female psychoanalyst encouraged me to relive this dream with her company. Like a fairy godmother, she now sat in my imagination at the edge of my bed and held my hand. Thus I succeeded in letting the dark figure come closer. And at some point the strange being stood in front of me and I could look him directly in the face. And suddenly it became clear to me that it is the death which stands beside me; which probably always stood beside me and also always will stand beside me: My eternal companion. 
Since these sessions, panic attacks and anxiety attacks occur very rarely. And when they do come, I now know that it is basically my residual fear of finitude, of having to die, and finally of death. And from this realization, I can feel all the more in all my depths the legendary sentence of Sigmund Freud: "If you want to live well, prepare yourself early for death". The song "Finitude" was written against the background of these experiences It is in French, because for me this language comes closest to such existential themes.

Lyrics in English (for those, who don`t speak French):

Finitude

I have no time 
Finitude
Stands in my door
And speaks to me:

Come on go 

Don't stand still
Let no more time pass

The clock is ticking away 
Your shadow wins
Decay haunts you
Pain and anguish

But you are not alone 
The duty to die
Is the bond 

That unites us 
Whether rich or poor 
Wise or foolish

Death doesn't care
He takes us to himself

Finitude
I am ready
Look at you
You move closer to me

Till you're all there with me 

Look around me 
Many backs already crooked
The rollator goes ahead
Straight to the cemetery gate

The lifting only lasts 
Until the next tower clock

Then it comes out

That we melt 
We blow in the wind
Nothing of us remains 
Death rubs its hands

But do not forget
The duty to die 
Is the bond

That unites us 
Whether rich or poor 
Wise or foolish

Death does not care
He takes us to himself

Finitude
I am ready
Look at you
You move closer to me

Till you're all with me 
Until you are
Until you are 
Untill you are
Completely with me

Texte en français:

Finitude

Je n'ai pas le temps 
La finitude
Est à ma porte
Et me parle:

Allez, vas-y 
Ne t'arrête pas
Ne laisse plus passer le temps

L'horloge s'écoule 
Ton ombre gagne
Le déclin te hante
Douleur et tourment

Mais tu n'es pas seul 
Le devoir de mourir
Est le lien 

Qui nous unit 
Riche ou pauvre 
Intelligents ou idiots

La mort c'est pareil
Elle nous fait venir

Finitude
Je suis prêt
Je te regarde
Tu te rapproches de moi

Jusqu'à ce que tu sois 
Tout à fait avec moi 

Je regarde autour de moi 
Beaucoup de dos déjà courbés
Le rollateur va devant
Directement à la porte du cimetière

Le lifting ne dure que 
Jusqu'à la prochaine horloge de la tour

Puis il se révèle

Que nous passons 
Emportés par le vent
Qu'il ne reste rien de nous 
Que la mort se frotte les mains

Mais n'oublie pas
Le devoir de mourir 
Est le lien

Qui nous unit 
Riche ou pauvre 
Intelligents ou idiots

La mort c'est pareil
Elle nous fait venir

Finitude
Je suis prêt
Je te regarde
Tu te rapproches de moi

Jusqu'à ce que tu sois 
Tout à fait avec moi
Jusqu'à ce que tu sois
Jusqu'à ce que tu sois 
Jusqu'à ce que tu sois
Tout à fait avec moi

Finitude

Acoustic guitar Music composed and performed by Mark Sartori 
Vocals,  melody and lyric and keys
 by conover

Hombre  by (Sartori and Conover)

Introduction in English:

Recently I met a friend who spent a month in Crete earlier this year. 
As he told me about his wanderings there, I again remembered a drastic experience I had during my stay in Crete thirty years ago. 
During my expeditions through the bare Cretan mountains at that time, I met a young man who had been living in a cave for some time, completely isolated from the world. 
We walked together for a while. He told me that he suffered from psychotic delusions with inner voices torturing him. 
The secluded life here in the mountains would help him to deal with these powerful and alienating voices. 
Nevertheless, he longed so much for a release from this "voice terror". 
When I wanted to visit him again the next day, he was nowhere to be found. 
In all these years I thought of him from time to time, especially since I also meet people here in Berlin again and again who suffer from similar psychotic confusions. 
With this song I try to put myself in the place of these people who suffer so terribly and are still largely misunderstood

Lyrics (for those, who don`t speak German)

Voices in the head

Voices in the head
Eat me up

Controlling me
Beat on me

Persecute me, torture me
Incapacitate me
Condemn, despise, devalue, laugh at me 
They make me down, drive into all my limbs

Are always there, invade me
Come when they want, never leave me alone

Come through the walls, no wall can stop them

Hate, shun, move masses of vengeance 
They cause me pain with relish, they light stigma-candles inside me

I've made up my mind 
I'll be calm, because I know I can free myself from you
Yes, I can free myself from you!

The last thing I have left is to lay a hand on myself.
With my dying, I'll give you my last escort.

Then I'll cast you off like a garment of shadows

Your blasphemies, your bullying, your poison, your envy

Flow with the water and the blood from me
Disappears in the drain, far away from here

Emasculated sadists, coreless egoists, seedless fascists, 
You all can't nestle in me anymore

Float away
You stay behind

Your power is now completely null and void
A hollow space remains unnamed

I now lie in my hand

Deutscher Originaltext:

Stimmen im Kopf

Stimmen im Kopf
Fressen mich auf

Bestimmen über mich
Schlagen auf mich drauf

Verfolgen, Foltern mich
Entmündigen mich
Verurteilen, verachten, entwerten, verlachen, 
Machen mich nieder, fahr`n in all meine Glieder

Sind immer da, dringen in mich ein
Kommen wann sie wollen, lassen mich nie allein

Kommen durch die Wände, Keine Mauer halt sie auf

hassen, schassen, bewegen Rachemassen, 
Bereiten lustvoll Schmerzen, Entzünden in mir Wundmal-Kerzen

Ich hab’ mich entschieden, 
Ich werde ruhig, weil ich weiß, ich kann mich von Euch befreien
Ja ich kann mich von Euch befreien!

Das letzte was mir bleibt, ist, Hand an mich zu legen
Mit meinem Freitod gebe ich Euch letztes Geleit

Dann leg’ ich Euch ab wie ein Schatten-Kleid

Euer Lästern, Euer Stänkern, Euer Gift, Euren Neid

Fließt mit dem Wasser und dem Blut aus mir
Entschwindet im Abfluß, weit weg von hier

Entmannte Sadisten, Entkernte Egoisten, Samenlose Faschisten, 
Ihr könnt’ Euch alle nicht mehr in mir einnisten

Schwebe hinüber
Ihr bleibt zurück

Eure Macht ist nun ganz und gar null und nichtig
Zurück bleibt ein Hohlraum unbenannt

Ich lieg jetzt in meiner Hand

Stimmen im Kopf (Voices in the Head)

Stimmen Im Kopf (Voices In The Head)

Guitar solo at 2:10 played by Jussi Welin...

Change it right now   (Conover Lyons)

Introduction in English:

On a Saturday, 9 June 1989, I receive a phone call from my mother at around 6 am. She seems to be laughing. But as it soon turns out, tears are bursting out of her. At first she can only say one sentence: "Your father is dead". Then her voice fails. I, who has just been roused from my sleep by the ringing, at first think it's a bad joke. My father, not even 55 years old, dead, who had been so full of energy in the last few months? With whom I had spoken lively on the phone just a week ago?
Then my eldest sister comes to the phone. She speaks like a robot, as if she has frozen all her feelings inside herself.
She confirms the sudden death of my father from a heart attack and urges me to come immediately from Berlin to southern Germany (800 kilometres away).
Much of what happened after that - from the last encounter with my father in the morgue, to the years of vacillating between feelings of liberation and sometimes massively frightening "I'll bring you to me in the realm of the dead" nightmares after his funeral, to finding a deeper inner peace with him in the last few years - I wrote down and sang about in the following song "My Father in Heaven".      
However, the song lyrics are not chronological, but set in 2011, in which I am all alone on a beautiful summer day in the cemetery where my father's grave is located. From this day I start a retrospective and an outlook.     

Lyrics:

My Father in Heaven

What a beautiful day
All alone in the graveyard 
Come to visit you
Without a grudge

It's unbelievably quiet
Hear the dead deep asleep 
In an beyond harbour
Be with you soon

I hated you sometimes 
Had you so gladly touched,
You're gone too soon 
Left me alone with the dirt 
Of this life.

Wanted to tell you so much more 
You can't sneak away like that
A moment ago you were still there  
I felt quite close to you,

Now only 
A cold hand in the morgue
Nothing more moves

My father in heaven, 
I miss you very much, 
With wistfulness my heart sometimes
Becomes so heavy

When you were suddenly dead
Many things seemed easier, 
I moved forward in life, 
I looked free

but when I slept at night,
you'd come into my dreams, 
trying to pull me over, 
to the land beyond.

You didn’t let me go for so long 
Lying like a black mourning box
On my chest and belly, 
Felt like I was in a tube 
Trapped by you.

Often couldn’t defend myself
Felt completely without power 
When in the deep of the night
you came to my room, 

without a body, 
pure soul contact,
worlds still unknown to me.

Father in heaven,
do you hear me now,
I speak to you in peace, 
I am no longer hurt.

Your grave is newly decorated,
I've picked a bouquet for you, 
I sit down with you, 
I surrender tot he silence
peaceful silence. 

I am here now, you there
even if the wall separates us,
we see each other invisibly, 
You always stay close to me, 

I'll go on now, 
Stay here, 
I'll be back soon

Father in heaven
I think of you often 
You are indispensable, 
Come with me....

My Father in Heaven

My Father In Heaven

Second part of my father trilogy.
This song is based on a dream I had a good 20 years ago with my father, who had been dead for some time. 
I am in a dimly lit room. It's just me and somehow my father's energy body. At some point, this invisible energy body comes towards me. Then we embrace. It is a merging embrace. Something deep inside me releases and makes me cry. It's not so much a sad cry, but a liberating, soothing cry that pacifies me completely. 
Since this dream, the grudge I harboured against him for a long time has largely disappeared.     
Somehow he has been there inside me since then and I can sometimes visit him (even in dreams) when I want to talk to him.

The arrangement of the song is deliberately minimalist (just vocals, guitar and violin, hardly any effects) in order to emphasise the tremendous intimacy of the encounter between my father and me in the dream described above (there is no longer a "leaf" between us).

My Father  (Lyrics in English)

Would so like to talk to you
Break through the walls to the hereafter
Meet you in a moon cafe
On chairs that stand here and there

You died before the Berlin Wall came down
My son was born on the day you died
Never saw my beautiful wife
Although you had aimed 
For a hundred years of life

You only reached half of it
Life was rarely really easy for you

You were often too close to the stars
Underestimated the danger to your life
Had so many visions
Wanted to live in castles in the air

Then you were all there again
So clairvoyant, wise and clear

Would love to have you with me now
My father, I would love to have you here now 

The dividing wall to you is now open
I haven't met you for so long
You're waiting for me in the moon cafe
I see you in the soft twilight

I want to tell you so many things
What happened after you left
You still wanted to experience it all
Your early death did not grant you that

You were so torn, the demons, they tore at you
You loved the rush, had little sense of yourself

And yet you were in deep distress
My ever-protecting boat
My steadying hand
The lighthouse in my land of chaos

You gave up the shirt off your back
That ultimately cost you your life

Would love to have you with me now
My father, I wish you were here now


Mein Vater (Deutscher Originaltext)

Möchte so gern mit Dir sprechen
Die Mauern zum Jenseits durchbrechen
Dich in einem Mond-Cafe` treffen
Auf Stühlen, die hier und dort stehen

Vor dem (Berliner) Mauerfall bist Du gestorben
An Deinem Todestag wurde mein Sohn geboren
Hast meine schöne Frau niemals erlebt
Dabei hattest Du 
Hundert Jahre Leben angestrebt

Hast grad‘ mal gut die Hälfte davon erreicht
Das Leben war für Dich selten wirklich leicht

Warst oft den Sternen zu nah
Unterschätztest die Lebensgefahr
Hattest so viele Visionen
Wolltest in Luftschlössern wohnen

Dann warst Du wieder ganz da
So hellsichtig, weise und klar

Hätt‘ Dich so gern jetzt bei mir
Mein Vater, hätt‘ Dich jetzt gern hier 

Die Trennwand zu Dir steht jetzt offen
So lange hab‘ ich Dich nicht getroffen
Du wartest im Mond-Cafe‘ auf mich
Ich seh‘ Dich im zarten Dämmerlicht

Ich will Dir so vieles erzählen
Was so geschah nach Deinem Fortgehen
Du wolltest das alles noch erleben
Dein früher Tod hat Dir das nicht vergönnt

Warst so zerrissen, die Dämonen, sie zerrten an Dir
Liebtest den Rausch, hattest für Dich wenig Feingespür

Und dennoch warst Du in tiefer Not
Mein stets mich schützendes Boot
Meine mir haltgebende Hand
Der Leuchtturm in meinem Chaos-Land

Hast Dein letztes Hemd hergegeben
Das kostete Dich letztlich Dein Leben

Hätt‘ Dich so gern jetzt bei mir
Mein Vater, hätt‘ Dich jetzt gern hier

Mein Vater (My Father)

L'Arbre des Âmes pourrait être l'endroit le plus sacré pour certaines peuplades, et leur permettrait de communiquer avec leurs ancêtres, ou faire l'objet de certains rituels .... 
Son accès est souvent interdit au étrangers ....
À quoi ressemble-t-il? 
Je vous laisse l'imaginer en écoutant ce nouveau concept.

***************************************************************************************************

The Tree of Souls may be the most sacred place for certain peoples, allowing them to communicate with their ancestors, or be the object of certain rituals .... 
Access is often forbidden to outsiders ....
What does it look like? 
I'll let you imagine as you listen to this new concept.

The Tree Of Souls ....

Pick Me Up On Your Way Down--Gene Jumper- ( cover song )

Introduction in English:
For many, November is the worst month. I particularly like it because it is the month that best expresses the Buddhist mantra of "And the end is the beginning". In November, almost all the trees are bare and most plants have faded. But in this "destruction" lies the seed of new life. 
November is the month that most clearly demonstrates that we sometimes have to radically let go of beliefs and attitudes that no longer help us move forward so that we can reposition ourselves and continue to develop.
And this month also makes it clear that we must fully accept dying and death as facts in order to keep the flywheel of life, which goes far beyond us, running. 
At the age of 60, I am still in the "October of life". However, October is already knocking strongly on the door of the unstoppable transformation processes that reach their climax in November. 
The song "Autumn is here" summarises these thoughts in the form of a French chanson. I chose this form because, in my view, the French language and the genre of the chanson come closest to the basic existential themes of life.

Lyrics in English (For those, who don’t speak French)

Autumn is here

Everything falls, nothing holds
Nothing stands, it's already late
The green turns gray, the weather wet and rough
The flock of birds moves away into the warm blue

This morning I was full of energy
Tonight I'm tired
My garden of life will soon be withered
One little spark still glows
That still drives me and pulls me forward 

Autumn is here
The gray hair
Lies damp in the drain sieve

Autumn is here
The cataract
looks at me in the mirror

The fields are bare
The faces pale
The tree trunk breaks
In the middle of the poem

The clock runs down
The meadow lies fallow

The car groans
The eye runs and tears

The children look pityingly
The morning sun grins
Nothing you can gain 
Gain
The raven peeks
Around the corner, nods at you

Französischer Originaltext:

L'automne est là

Oui, tout tombe
Rien qui tienne
Il n'y a plus rien
C'est déjà tard

Le vert devient gris
Le temps humide et rude
La nuée d'oiseaux 
S'en va vers le bleu chaud

Ce matin, j'étais à fond
Ce soir, je suis fatigué
Le jardin de ma vie 
va bientôt se faner

Une dernière étincelle brille
qui me pousse et m'entraîne en avant

L'automne est là
Les cheveux gris
Se trouve dans le siphon

L'automne est là
La cataracte se rapproche
Me regarde dans le miroir
L'automne est là

Les champs sont nus
Les visages sont pâles
Le billot se brise
Au cœur du récit

L'horloge retarde
Le fond du pré est en friche
La voiture gémit
Les yeux sont pleins de pus

Les enfants regardent avec pitié
Le soleil matinal se moque de toi
Il n'y a rien d'autre que tu puisses gagner
Le corbeau regarde 
Au coin et il te fait un signe de tête

L'automne est la (Autumn is here)

by Duke Ellington, with lyrics by Eddie DeLange and Irving Mills

Jörg - saxophone, mixing and mastering - https://soundcloud.com/joerxworx
Irina - voice

Piano trio by Alan McPike - https://www.standardstrax.com
Artwork by Tatyana Markovtsev - https://feeltheline.com

Solitude - Irina and Jörg

Lyrics and song by William Paterson .
Acoustic guitar , bass , lead vocals by William Paterson .
Mix and Mastering by Bruce Conover .
Drums , B3 organ , harmonica and backing vocals by Bruce Conover .

It's Just Life

A Dream Named Wolf
Written by TJG November-December 2020
Dark songs for dark nights ;-)

From the shadows of the subconscious comes a sonic tale that prowls and pulses. A Dream Named Wolf is more than a track—it’s a moodscape: burnt orange skies, midnight tremble, and longing caught in howl-form.

Mix 1: Dec 14, 2020 
Mix 2: Jan 13, 2021 output transformer engaged on tape machine.
Thanks so much to Andrew, Rene, and Kevin for comments on an early draft!

Technical Details
Recorded at Princeton Studio

Guitars
Rhythm 1: Guild DV52
Rhythm2: Les Paul Standard
Lead1: Les Paul Standard
Bass: Fender Squire
Effects: an overabundance of a phaser (sorry)

Mics: Neumann TLM 67 and AGK C414 XLS
Drums: arranged by TG
Software: Pro Tools
Vocals: TG

Mixer: API 24 channel summing mixer (8200/7800)
Stereo Bus processing (API EQ and API compressor)
Final mix down to a MARA MCI JH110 1/4inch 2-track at 15 ips using  ATR Master Tape. 

Lyrics 

Verse 1
There’s another fork in the road
Wish I could decide....
Feels like a wolf is tearing at my side

Interlude 1: 

Verse 2
Sometimes you hit the wall
You can’t bridge the divide
Feels like the heat will never subside

Interlude 2: 

Refrain 1
Feels like I’m walking alone at night
Feels like a wolf tearing at my side
 
Verse 3
A full moon is begging to rise
Wish I could fly....
Feels like a wolf is tearing at my side

Interlude 3


Refrain
Feels like I’m walking alone at night
Feels like a wolf tearing at my side
Feels like a wolf tearing at my side

A dream named wolf

Written by Bryan Wilkin & Paul Fairweather.
All instruments and music played by Bryan Wilkin
Vocals - Brayn Wilkin
Engineered and produced by Bryan Wilkin

She's Got It

Music by Val Akey and Daniel Gómez.
All guitars (leads, rhythms, bass) played by Daniel Gómez. https://soundcloud.com/danielgoram
Drums and keyboards programming - mixing and mastering by Val Akey. https://soundcloud.com/valakey
Release date: 14 December 2020

Away From The Oasis

Our stories are rewritten every day, and change moment to moment.

Drawing after Ingres by me as well. :)

My Story

Happy Winter Solstice! xx
Video link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Zx3clsPfc

Breathe.
Don’t you know when the river’s out
It’s not a place you want to be around, oh no
Close your eyes so you cannot see
It’s not a place where you want to be right now
Things have been rough on you
Things have been rough on you
I know
Things been bad for me too
Things been bad for me too
Oh I know

Liars and thieves and treacheries
Counter-intuitive conspiracies
Oh I know
Sinking ships with this broken glass
‘Cos baby don’t you know nothing evers gonna last
Oh I know
Things have been rough on you
Things have been rough on you
Oh I know
Things been bad for me too
Things been bad for me too
Oh I know

Breathe darling
Don’t let go
Breathe darling 
Don’t let go

Breathe ©steph sweet 2020 All Rights Reserved

It's Just Life

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