While sick, I read over a journal that I had written just the other night ago, the day of when I had an interview. I talk about jobs, work, my interview and mental illnesses.

Work vs Mental illnesses

Another journal reading, this one somewhat about loneliness as I realized my diary app is pretty much shit now.

March 13th, 2016 
With all the emotions I ever go through daily, feeling unwanted is probably the most strongest one. I go far too many days alone, not having one single conversation with anyone. No one is ever around when you need them but, was anyone ever really there to begin with? When I look around, it's unfortunate that the truth is right there out in the open. I don't have anyone and no one needs me. No one cares and I don't see how I became this so unwanted piece of a human. It's seriously been about five days without having anyone around or message me. let alone just talk.That's so awful and sad. Sometimes I just wait, for a sound as in my phone going off, the site of seeing a notification, knowing someone is there. Sleeping away the loneliness is something that happens but waking up to still no one there is what's the worst. I don't know where everyone is, I don't know who really is with me. I think of how could someone like me who gets this lonely, ever just eventually have friends or gain them? It seems impossible, like we've hit the lowest of the lowest and there isn't any chance of getting higher. I can't even really see myself with friends in the near future, no ones ever stuck with me and there isn't anyone with me now. I think if I ever did get the chance of having them, I wouldn't know how to react.

There's nothing in the world right now that is keeping me away from being depressed and just plain grey.Sometimes I just wait, for a sound as in my phone going off, the site of seeing a notification, knowing someone is there. Sleeping away the loneliness is something that happens but waking up to still no one there is what's the worst. I don't know where everyone is, I don't know who really is with me. I think of how could someone like me who gets this lonely, ever just eventually have friends or gain them? It seems impossible, like we've hit the lowest of the lowest and there isn't any chance of getting higher. I can't even really see myself with friends in the near future, no ones ever stuck with me 

and there isn't anyone with me now. I think if I ever did get the chance of having them, I wouldn't know how to react. I don't know what it'll take for anyone to really like me, let alone stay and show that I mean something to them. I don't feel like I really have the strength to do so. I feel like I just need to keep trying to find ways to distract myself to the point where I can't think about or remember what's making me depressed or just bothered completely. I wish I could handle being alone, most people and even myself have tried before to just get to happiness, but some times like now, it's flip flopped. If I'm going to be alone then I need to know how to deal with it.


Journal Time (Loneliness)

Another journal reading, about a few different things this time.

I think there should be a cure for people who have broken hearts. But I think if we think about it, there really isn't one. If we're lucky, someone turns into our cure, but at the same time we're not so lucky. There's someone in my life right now who makes me very happy, but then also sad. Funny how life does that, right? I think we all could find someone who makes us happy, but happy isn't the only emotion in the world. Someone can make you happy but they won't always and can't. I enjoy the company I do have with this person when it is given but when I find myself alone, for a few hours, a few days, I start to question myself. I question my existence, I ask myself do I really matter or mean something. Most the time, even daily I feel as if I'm nothing. Like I'm just some soul in a miserable body, living a miserable life. Nothing makes sense and life is difficult for such a troubled mind. When you lose your mind or more so yourself, you really are, just a mess. Often times it just feels like life is spiraling around me, and with the little to no energy I have, I choose to just curl up and hide away under my covers. I know the darkness that covers me while I hide isn't a safe house, but I don't let myself think I have anywhere else to go because I don't. 

Sometimes I wonder if the thoughts I have are really mine or not. Anyone who's fallen as deep as I have in depression has thought of themselves being better of dead I think. I've felt like nothing more than a problem for a very long time now. It's hard to not think badly about yourself when you're alone, no friends, not even a best friend or lover. You're just to yourself. With being born and brought into this world and a family who has nothing but sickness all the way down the line, I feel like my life will end in a bad, sickly manner or even shortened, I find it horrible that I've written that down but there's nothing but the truth here. When it comes to life and death, I have two goals or wishes. 1). I just want someone to actually love me. Love me back and I actually feel like it's real. I just want to enjoy life with someone, find out what happiness is really like. I've wondered for a long time now what it could be like to wake up one morning and not actually feel so depressed or just empty. 2). I wish and hope to not die still feeling the same way I have been feeling for nine years now. I don't want to leave this world feeling as if no one ever cared about me or loved me. I don't want to feel that anymore. I'm not sure what I'll get.

Wolfie Monsterr